tw: detailed description of panic attacks and vomiting

the room fell silent as hongjoong noticed the small box on th desk, sitting idle next to the stack of papers.

"good evening, mr kim," seonghwa wished, his soft voice echoing through his ears. not a hint of malice under it, god hongjoong wished he didn't hate to hear it so much.

yechan had been sick the past few days, a tummy ache with fever and he seemed to be getting better. even if he wasn't, he really wanted to meet his doctor uncle-- because he loved him. though it was the complete opposite for hongjoong.

"shall we start the session?" the doctor politely asked before hongjoong nodded.

he wished he wasn't so fucking dense, to the point where a graze of fingers against each other would make him feel like he was the biggest asshole in the world. maybe he was; he would never know.

the entire session felt off to hongjoong, and seonghwa-- yechan was not himself. he was quiet, unlike usual when he was his bubbly self and he complained of his tummy aching a lot. the best hongjoong could do at that moment was comfort him by gently rubbing his tummy for a bit, and despite that, nothing helped.

soon closer to the end, he complained of the pain getting stronger and stronger. the little boy ran a high fever, looking disoriented as he gurgled and gagged, he sounded like his stomach was wrenching in pain.

"do you feel like vomiting, baby?" hongjoong asked as he gently rubbed yechan's back and bounced him on his lap. the little one nodded a no, even though the male knew better not to believe it.

"i'm sorry for staying longer than expected, just give me a few more minutes," the redhead apologized to the doctor, the male simply flashing him a tender smile. hongjoong felt bad for always being a pain in the ass.

"no worries, mr kim, he's just unwell."

seonghwa was being nice to him after he was such an asshole to him, he felt like he didn't deserve it. he didn't deserve the kindness that the man had in him.

hongjoong shushed yechan a little more, hoping he would feel better, hoping his painful cries would stop, he couldn't stand hearing them knowing he couldn't do anything. and even if he was sick, he couldn't afford taking him to this hospital. if he did-- he would have to start picking up shifts at the club, and he really didn't want that. whenever he thought about the club, all he could think about were the nasty hands on him, using him as if he were a toy to play with.

before hongjoong could snap out of his thoughts and react, his son had jumped off his lap to try to run away to the bathroom but instead regurgitated everything he had eaten on the floor of the therapy room, hurling over and bringing everything out, his little arms wrapped around his stomach.

panic. everyone in the room panicked and it wreaked havoc.

yechan broke down, a sensory overload taking over his body as his body tried to get everything it could out of his system, his tummy hurting as if someone stabbed a thousand knives in it. hongjoong rushed to his son, his face contorted with pure concern and panic-- his son was not okay, now he had to pay for the mess made in the therapy room, nothing could be worse. of course, it wasn't yechan's fault, he was just a little boy.

hongjoong knelt down and started patting yechan's back, in hopes that it would make him feel better-- his mom always did that to him when he was younger.

"sorry, i'm so sorry," hongjoong apologized yet again to seonghwa as the male hurriedly looked like he was making a few calls to someone, his face painted with a panicked expression.

"the emergency ward nurses will be here soon to take yechan," he said, keeping the phone down to pick up some tissues and handing them to hongjoong to wipe the little one's mouth, before yet again, the process repeating.

the male's heart felt like it was beating out of his chest, anxiety bubbling in his stomach and he was sure it was gonna spill over any moment, his hands shivering at the words. he couldn't afford this, yet at the same time yechan was the most important person in his life.

"what? why? what? he's completely fine!" hongjoong yelled.

"he's not fine--"

seonghwa tried explaining gently, softly, for the younger to understand. though he was sure his blood ran cold at the next line he heard the other male say, he wished he could hammer some sense into the man.

"he's completely fine! don't teach me anything about my son's health!" the redhead screamed again, he felt like his head spinning from how loud he yelled, yechan's cries becoming louder by the second.

"he is not fucking okay hongjoong! how do i get this into your hard skull? there is blood in his vomit, and that is a serious fuckinh issue, you're just gonna ignore it like that? think, hongjoong, think!"

the emergency room nurses immediately barged into the scene, picking up yechan and taking him away quicker than he could blink. the male felt like his ears were ringing, as if his legs were stuck at where he was standing, the shouts in the hallway for everyone to move echoing through his ears, pulsing in his head. he wanted to run, wanted to get to his son yet he felt like he couldn't do anything-- he was stuck, trapped in a state of pure panic. his chest ached, his head felt light and his ears rang loudly.

he couldn't afford this, he couldn't afford any of this hospital stuff. he wished he could call san to tell him everything, yet he couldn't even move from his spot.

his hands tugged at his hair, pulling at his hair aggressively, a little harder and he would be able to pull the hair out of his scalp. he shrieked, screamed, his own screams of agony killing him. god he wished he wasn't so miserable.

tears rolled down his cheeks, his eyes shut closed because the lights felt too bright, everything felt too bright and cold. the male felt like he was suffocating, like he couldn't breathe at all, as if someone was choking him, he felt like a demon was taking over his body. his hands flailing everywhere, completely unaware of his surroundings.

amidst everything, he felt two warm arms wrap around his body, keeping him close to them. his breathing wasn't stable, he was crying like a baby, flailing around like a baby, screaming like a baby, who would want to comfort him? yet there was someone who was willing to.

"shh, hey, it's going to be okay," a soft, shaky and familiar voice whispered to him, as he felt a hand gently caressing his head. the warmth of the body comforted him, the subtle floral scent comforted him as he buried his face into their chest.

"you're going to be okay, joongie. it's going to be fine, yechan is going to be okay too, please don't worry. everyone's here for you, it's okay," the person whispered again.

after a few minutes, his breathing became stable and even though he was still crying, he felt better. he felt much better.

and he finally recognized that voice, that scent, those arms that wrapped around him.

seonghwa.

he comforted him? after all that hongjoong did to him? he didn't deserve it. maybe he didn't like hongjoong at all, so he was fine.

"i-i can't afford t-this," the male whispered, sobbing yet again into his chest. he had no energy left to look up at him.

"it's okay, it's going to be okay."

little did he know, seonghwa was hurting equally as much as he was, tears slipping from his tender eyes at the sight of the man he loves, crying in his arms for something he couldn't control.

--|--

was this too dramatic 😭😭 also do you guys see the similarities between hongjoong and yechan