it was three in the morning and hongjoong stood in front of san's door. his makeup smudged, body sore and tears threatening to fall from his eyes. he rang the doorbell once, twice, thrice yet no answer. he wondered if san was sleeping. he wanted to sleep too, he wanted to forget about the events of that night. he wanted to sleep in the comfort of his bed and forget about everything that happened. no, fuck that-- he wanted to stay over at san's. 

he waited there for half a minute before deciding to walk back to his apartment. and just as he was about to leave, the door opened to yet again, shirtless san with grey shorts and messy hair. 

"hey, sorry for opening the door late," san apologised softly as he gently pulled hongjoong inside his apartment, to which the male hissed at the stinging pain on his wrist. 

"it's okay," hongjoong mumbled as he leaned against the wall to remove his shoes. the taller male switched on the warm light in the foyer to help hongjoong see where he was keeping his things. 

they stood there silently, not exchanging any words, until san broke the silence.

"let's go inside, i'll get you something to eat," he suggested before walking inside the kitchen to make something. san sensed that something was wrong since the male was never this silent after coming back from work. he was also always fresh and showered with no makeup left on his face but this time he still had his makeup on-- the eyeliner he wore was smudged too. the tension in the room was thick and he tried to ease it down.  

the redhead silently followed him but instead walked towards the small dining table and took a seat there. he fidgeted with his fingers as he watched san make a quick bowl of ramen. the comforting scent of the food wafted through the home, making hongjoong feel a lot more better.

"how was work?" san asked as he placed the bowl of ramen in front of hongjoong and took seat in front of him on another chair. the redhead bit his lips as he looked out the window that was open. 

hongjoong was tempted to take a bite of the ramen but it was too late-- his head hung low, facing the table and fresh, hot tears spilled from his tender eyes. he couldn't hold it in ad he felt like an idiot for it. sobs wracked through his small body and he didn't know how to control it, his body shook uncontrollably. 

san immediately got up from where he was sitting to go and comfort his best friend.

"hey, hey, hey, joongie, what happened?" he asked as he gently pulled him into a hug, letting him cry into his shoulder. he didn't want to bombard him with questions right away since he understood that it would be overwhelming for hongjoong. san held him tighter as he felt his friend tremble in his arms, and all he did was let him know he was there for him. the male didn't know what happened at work that made hongjoong feel this distraught. 

"you're safe, let it all out. im here for you, joongie." 

the warmth of san's body kept hongjoong grounded despite the fact that every time he closed his eyes, the nightmares of that night flooded his mind and constantly played again and again like a record player. it made everything hard to breathe. yet at the same time he didn't wanna talk about it because he didn't want to relive the terrible memories but he thought that san deserved to know. he was always there for him. he didn't know how to say it, he didn't know how to admit that he was violated in ways he didn't want to be and was stripped away of his little remaining dignity as a prostitute. hongjoong wanted to be strong for yechan yet every single day it felt more and difficult to do and he his mind often seem draw back to the time when he used to harm himself. 

san sensed that the male didn't want to say anything, and he totally understood that. he didn't have to say a word to san regardless of how he was feeling, he just wanted to be there for him like a good best friend would. he pulled back and gently wiped the male's tears with his thumbs, his own starting to fill up with tears looking at how broken hongjoong was. no, it wasn't san's moment to start crying now, he had to focus on hongjoong, because he needed him. 

"you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. im always here for you though," he softly whispered as he wiped his tears again. 

hongjoong wanted to tell san everything but it was all stuck in his throat. he felt like a baby for crying, he felt like shit for crying. he didn't want to burden san with all his emotions but he couldn't control them like he usually could. he wondered if san was judging him for this-- he never would. san would never judge hongjoong for anything, because he knew there was a reason behind everything. he had known hongjoong for six years, long enough for him to pick up on specific behaviours. 

his heart broke at the sight, he had never seen hongjoong like this before. well-- he had but it was only during situations that san felt enraged in, that something as bad as that could happen to him. 

"do you want to eat now?" san tenderly asked and hongjoong nodded a no, not wanting to put anything in his mouth at the moment. 

"that's okay. you can eat later. let's relax on the couch for now, alright? go wait there, i'll keep the ramen in the fridge real quick," he said as he got up.

he didn't want to leave hongjoong alone for even a few moments now but he had to, san's heart hurt at the fact that something so bad happened at work that hongjoong didn't even want to eat. 

once he walked to the couch, he sat on it and pulled the blanket above his body. san felt hongjoong curl up next to him, laying his head on his chest comfortably. he wrapped his arm around him, again letting him know that he was safe where he was, providing him security that he desperately needed. the redhead had calmed down quite a bit, his breath now being a little uneven as he occasionally sniffled. he held hongjoong close to him. 

after a few minutes of silence, the male finally spoke, his voice cracking once again.

"where is yechan? is he sleeping?"

san expected that, hongjoong was always worried about his son. 

"he's sleeping soundly in my room, don't worry about it," he replied. 

another silence. 

"did it happen again at work?" san carefully asked as he gently rubbed the male's back, hoping he didn't cross any boundaries. 

"it did. it happened again," he slowly admitted, his voice only slightly louder than a whisper. hongjoong closed his eyes and every time he did, he could feel the large hands touching his bare body, the vulgar eyes that scanned his body and hurt him. he tried to push away the images but it never worked. he felt weak and helpless. he shuddered at the thought, which san noticed and rubbed his back, trying to calm him down.

"it's okay, im here for you. you're safe here," he whispered before he wiped a tear that rolled down his own cheek. 

"i-- i just wanted to forget tonight. i wanted to come here and pretend everything was okay, like how i always do." 

san wished he could spill everything that was on his mind, hoping that he could let hongjoong know that it would be okay. 

"i don't want to go into the details, it was much worse than last time. i want to forget everything, but i cant, because every time i close my eyes, it's just there," he said, trying to stop himself from breaking down again. 

san's heart ached for hongjoong since it wasn't the first time this was happening. it was the fifth time. he could hear the pain in the male's voice and it killed him to know that someone could possibly hurt him in that way, just for their own pleasure. 

"it's okay, you don't have to tell me anything more. i'm here for you, you aren't alone in this," he reassured him, making hongjoong nod. he was grateful that san understood and always respected his privacy. san was his closest and best friend-- he had always been there for him, he was always hongjoong's safe place and tonight was no different. 

they stayed like that for a while, hongjoong's head heavy with several thoughts running around. 

"san?" he whispered, to which san responded with a hum

"am i really such an easy target to violate? to violate my body? it's happened so many times, it must be my fault for not fighting back."

fuck, san wanted to punch himself at the words hongjoong said. 

"it's not your fault, it never was. don't blame yourself, joongie. nobody has the right to violate your body like that, regardless of if you're weak or not. and you're not weak, you're so strong. you have to stay strong, for yechan, he loves you so so much, more than anyone ever will," he said as he rubbed hongjoong's back in order to comfort him.

though he never got a response from the male, san knew he heard what he had told him. they stayed like that for a while and silence engulfed them. the warmth of san's body and the steady rhythm of his breathing slowly calmed the older male down. eventually, exhaustion took over his body and his eyes grew heavy. 

"do you want to sleep here tonight?" san asked softly, noticing how tired his friend looked.

"yeah, i don't wanna be alone," hongjoong mumbled, his voice barely audible. 

"you don't have to be, you're always welcome here," san reassured him. 

--|--

sigh i hope hongjoong feels better. such things will keep coming up in this because of his past and all, it's mentioned in the warnings so