Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place—Sarah Dessen

"Mom!  Dad, look at me!"

Hadley grinned broadly towards the shore where her parents watched from the safety of the sand. She stood up on her surfboard for the very first time unassisted.  She wobbled, unsteady, as the gently lapping waves surged towards the shore but managed to stay up.  That was until Tanner came and splashed at her, causing her to lose her balance and tumble mercilessly into the water.

When she broke the surface of the water, coming up for air, she found him laughing.  His young face was wide with a smile that stretched his lips and his eyes were lit with mirth.  Still, she could see the jealousy.  He'd never gotten up on a wave before by himself and Hadley knew he was eager to prove that he could do it too.

"Hey!" she complained, her voice admonishing.  "That wasn't nice."

Tanner only laughed again and sent a stream of water jetting towards her.  Already soaking, it did little to her appearance, but it did succeed in fuelling the fire in her little six-year-old body.  She could feel the edge of competition searing through her veins and before she was fully aware of the decision to launch a counter-attack, her hands were already pushing back a splash of water.

Then, as the water dripped out of his hair and into his eyes, Hadley was the one who was laughing.

Hadley could hear her parents yelling at the two of them, more in joy than in anger.  They were all giggling and their sides were cramped from the laughter but Hadley had never felt more loved.  Even as Tanner shoved her underwater and she pulled him in after her, she felt only joy. 

And then it changed.

Her sides were no longer cramped from laughter but terror.  The smile on her face was replaced by a worried frown.  Her fingers and toes were not wrinkled from being in the water too long but rather cold with fear.  She was no longer six-year-old Hadley who'd been playing in the water without a care in the world.  She was now seventeen-year-old Hadley who was crippled with dread.

Hadley's eyes canvased the water but Tanner was nowhere to be found.  He'd just been there, she was sure of it.  But she couldn't see him.  Couldn't hear him.

"Tanner?!" she yelled.  "Tanner, where are you?"

There was no response.  The only thing she heard was the roar of the waves as they increased their tempo, beginning to crash instead of roll into shore. 

"Mom?  Dad?  Do you see Tanner?  Where's Tanner?"

Hadley looked towards the shore but there was no one there.  The beach lay empty, not so much as a footprint in sight.  The house seemed a million miles away where it sat far up away from the beach. It was a distant image that she had no hope of reaching.

Her hair dripped water droplets down her face.  She twisted and turned, eyes searching desperately in the water for any sign of her brother.  She could feel him in her soul, feel some emotional tether to him snap and shatter into a thousand shiny pieces and cried out his name again, confusion and uncertainty giving rise to desperation.

"Tanner!  I can't find you!  Where are you?"

Then, he was there and he'd grown up as she had.  No longer a six-year-old boy but a young man.  He was floating in the water, peaceful, with his eyes open towards the sky.  Hadley felt a rush of relief as she reached out to touch him.  He was skin was oddly pale considering the fact that he practically lived outdoors on the beach.  Her hand closed around his wrist and he was so cold and his eyes were staring up without blinking and Hadley realized too late and—

She woke up screaming.

Hadley sat up in her bed, tears streaming down her face as she shook violently.  It took only seconds for her bedroom door to slam open and for her parents to come racing in.  Frightened as she was, she barely registered her mother locking her in a firm hug—so tight she could hardly move—or her father's incessant questioning in her ear, asking her time and time again what was wrong.

She didn't know how long she sat there, rocking back and forth in her mom's arms.  What she did know was that the crying made her throat hurt.  That her head was pounding due to the lack of sleep and fear.  That every time she thought the last sob had left her body, a new one was already there to take its place. 

Eventually, unconsciousness claimed her and she fell into a dreamless slumber of pure exhaustion.  When she awoke, there was light streaming in from her bedroom window and while her door was closed, she could hear the low murmur of her parents' voices as they spoke in the kitchen.  Hadley wasn't sure how long she'd been sleeping.  She still felt tired and groggy but her throat was no longer sore and her eyes weren't puffy from crying.  The sun flooding into her room was bright enough that she knew that it must be at least midday. 

While still fatigued, Hadley knew that further sleep would evade her.  Plagued by the memory of the terrible dream, she stumbled out of bed and towards her closet where she pulled out the first things her hands touched—a black shirt, a red and black plaid button-up, ripped blue jean shorts—and dressed quickly. 

Hadley was certain that her parents were probably waiting to interrogate her the moment she stepped out of her bedroom so instead of dashing into the bathroom to brush her teeth and comb her hair, she swallowed a couple of breath-mints and raked her fingers through her hair.  The idea of not brushing her teeth and going through her normal morning routine made her feel gross and uneasy, but an even more unsettling idea was facing her parents after the night's episode.  She would deal with the consequences of her actions later but at that moment, all she wanted to do was clear her head and put some space between her and that dream.

She grabbed her shoes from the closet, picked up her purse, and grabbed the fourth letter from the stack on her bedside table.  Then, Hadley scribbled a quick note explaining to her parents that she'd gone and would be back later and that she had her phone if they needed to reach her.  

Ready, she walked over to her window, silently slid the window up, and climbed out.

It was something Hadley had done all the time growing up.  Whether she was going to visit Casey late at night or taking a shortcut to the beach, climbing through the window had become a skill of which Hadley was extremely adept.  It helped that the house was a bungalow which meant that the drop from Hadley's bedroom to the ground was barely over four feet. 

Hadley didn't go far.  She didn't feel like walking into town and felt guilty about leaving unannounced so she didn't dare stray farther than the beachfront.  There were a few pieces of driftwood a mile down the beach and so she turned in that direction.  As she walked, Hadley turned the fourth letter over in her hand.  She'd opened it four days earlier, as soon as she'd gotten home from donating her blood, but had yet to find the courage to complete the task that Tanner had given her.

The challenge was so daunting that Hadley had been forced to re-read the letter several times just to make sure that she wasn't making things up.  So many times that Hadley was able to recite the words he'd written her from memory.  Still, as she reached the pile of driftwood, she found herself sitting down facing the waves and pulling the letter free from the envelope casing and reading it once more just to see Tanner's familiar handwriting.

Hadley needed it, that familiarity, especially after the night she'd had.  She needed to feel Tanner, somehow.  Feel him in a way that felt alive and real, not dead and cold and...empty.

She shook off the unease beginning to settle in her gut as her eyes fell onto the page.

Hadley,

Okay, you're going to hate me for this one.  I already know it.  Though the fact that you're going to hate me just makes this all the more necessary. 

Had, you know I love you.  You're my kid sister (I know, I know, I'm only older than you by four minutes and twenty-seven seconds, but I fully intend to retain my big brother status over you for the rest of your life) and my job is to look out for you.  But if there's one thing you're lacking in life it's spontaneity.  You've always lived like there's some sort of guidebook on things you can and can't do.

Right now, I want you to take that stupid guidebook, throw it into the ocean, and never look back.  You're so incredible but you've always been too busy hiding behind the safety of planning that you never really ever let yourself live, Hadley.  That stops today.

Task number four is simple.  All you have to do is kiss a stranger.

Yup, you read that right.  Kiss a stranger.  Just walk right up to somebody and do it.  Strike up a conversation if you want, get to know them a little bit, but you have to do it.  It's not hard.  People do it all the time at parties.  You don't even have to get his name.  Just plant one on him and get out of there (unless, of course, you want to stick around but I'll leave that one up to you).

I know you're probably trying to figure out why I'm telling you to do this.  What does it have to do with anything?  Truth is, it doesn't.  It's not going to help you get over my death any faster.  So, why do it? 

Because it's important.  We only get one life, Hadley.  As I write you these letters, I'm starting to realize how little I've done with mine.  How many girls, okay and maybe even a few guys, I would have kissed if I'd just been brave enough to do so.  I don't want you to sit around making the same mistakes I did, Hadley.  I don't want you to be afraid to take the leap and just go for it, even if going for it sometimes means making a fool of yourself or getting turned down. 

It's up to you now, Had.  The ball is in your court.  What are you going to do with it?

Your-maybe-I-should-have-kissed-Edith-Thompson-when-I-had-the-chance-brother,

Tanner.

Hadley had been grappling with the task for days and was no sooner about to complete it than when she'd first opened the letter.  Hadley had never been the spontaneous one.  That had always been Tanner.  The idea of approaching a stranger and kissing them on the spot was daunting.  Hadley hadn't even kissed the only boy she'd ever dated, Brandon Young until their third date.  So how was she supposed to kiss a stranger?

She sat on the pile of driftwood for almost an hour, letting the breeze off the water wash over her.  It was relaxing to look out into the horizon and see nothing but water.  There was no land beyond the waves that she could see.  Sometimes, she felt as if she could just wade out into the shallows and drift off, allowing the waves to pick her course for her. 

That day; however, Hadley wasn't too keen on getting near the waterline.  The dream of Tanner floating face-up in the waves, staring endlessly into the sky haunted her eyelids every time she blinked.  It wasn't the first time she'd had that dream.  It came about once a week but it never failed to make her heart stall in her chest and cripple her with terror.  Most of the time, she didn't wake up screaming.  Usually, she sat there, too frightened to move or speak, and was forced to endure in painful silence alone until the shaking stopped and she was able to breathe again.

Today, it had taken her hours to feel fully returned to her body.  Hours until she could draw a full breath and it was only then that she got up and wandered back home.  Her parents were waiting for her on the back veranda as she walked up and guilt shot through her.

"Hadley," her mother started.  Her shoulders slumped with relief.  "Thank god.  We were worried."

"Sorry," she replied.  The words were more of a reflex than it was a heartfelt apology.

"Where did you go?" her father asked.  He folded his arms across his chest and stared at her sternly. 

"Just for a walk down the beach.  I...I had to get out of the house for a bit."  There was no need to explain why.  "I left a note."

"We got it.  Listen, you can't just go running off like that.  I know you're hurting but we need to find a better way for you to manage it.  If something happened to you and we didn't know where you were..." her mother trailed.

Hadley leaned against the railing.  "If something happened?  You mean like if I decided to kill myself?"

"Don't take that tone.  We're trying to help you," her father said.  "We've made an appointment for you with Dr. Ross on Monday."

"Robert's mom?  The shrink?" 

"Psychiatrist.  And yes, Robert's mother."

Everyone knew who Dr. Ross was.  She was a local counsellor who had volunteered her time at the school after Tanner had first killed himself and also happened to be the mother of one of Hadley's classmates.  She'd stayed on for a few weeks with an open door and the invitation for anyone who needed to talk about his death. 

Hadley had watched the people stream into her office, bawling their eyes out and had felt disgusted.  Half of the people who were crying over his death were people who'd barely known him.  She'd even seen a few freshman students walk into the grief counsellor's office, apparently unable to contain themselves because he'd been so 'nice' and 'amazing' and 'why on earth would he kill himself?'

She hated those people.  As in actually hated them. They'd known absolutely nothing about her brother, not his middle name or his favourite colour, and had acted as if they had every right to grieve his death.  And while they'd all been grieving, people had been watching Hadley like she'd been about to break. The whispers had started about how it was only a matter of time before she went off the deep end too.

"I'm not going," she insisted.

"Clearly group counselling isn't working, Hadley," her father pressed.  He ran a hand through his brown hair, starting to pepper slightly with grey.  "And you've been acting so strange this week..."

Hadley thought of her behaviour that week.  It had been out of the ordinary...for grief-stricken Hadley.  Not the Hadley who'd existed before Tanner had killed himself.  That Hadley would have hung out with Casey and been willing enough to start a scrapbook or donate blood. 

That Hadley was the normal Hadley.

She blinked at her parents.  "I haven't been strange," she said.  "I've been better.  I got out of my room this week.  I saw Casey this week.  I haven't talked to her in months but I did this week.  I'm not acting strange I'm acting normal.  I don't need to see Dr. Ross and I like the Good Mourning Group.  They're my...friends, I guess."

Okay, maybe that was a lie.  She liked Clara, Braden, Adam, Tommy, and Christine well enough but she'd never made an attempt to see any of them outside of the group.  And if she never had to see Phil again, well, it would still be too soon.

"Look," Hadley began, "if I get worse, I promise I'll go.   But I'm actually starting to do something again.  I feel fine.  I don't feel crazy.  I'm even seeing Casey again tonight.  At the fair."

They blinked at her.  "You're going to the fair?" her mother said after a pause. 

Truthfully, she hadn't planned on it.  Casey had invited her but Hadley had known she wasn't going to accept.  As it were, she probably wouldn't even meet up with Casey.  Not because she was avoiding Casey again, she wasn't, but she was still avoiding Ian and she already knew he would be there.  Still, she could pretend to meet up with Casey, wander around for a few hours, and then return home.

"Yeah.  Casey asked me to go a few days ago."

She could see the war waging in her parents' eyes.  They stared at each other, ignoring her completely until her mother sighed.

"Fine.  You can go.  But you have to be home by ten."

"Mom—" Hadley started at the same time her father said, "Karen..."

She glared at each of them in turn.  "No exceptions.  Home by ten.  And if you're not, I'm calling Officer Liddle to have him and the rest of the Wrightsville Beach Police Department bring you home, understood?"

Hadley understood the threat.  While Gary Liddle had practically been an uncle to her growing up—he was one of her mother's best friends—Hadley knew that he would search the fair high and low for her and bring her back home with a full escort if she did not comply to her mother's wishes. 

So, Hadley nodded.  "Okay.  Fine.  Home by ten, I got it."

"Good."

Her mother gave a final, sharp, nod and walked back into the house.  Hadley waited a moment for her dad to say something, anything, but he just smiled sadly, a small little upturn of his lips, and walked back into the house, leaving Hadley on the veranda alone. 

She sank down onto the top stair of the porch, fingers brushing against Tanner's letter in her pocket as she closed her eyes.  For just a moment, she imagined that he was sitting there next to her.  

And then she opened her eyes and the spell was broken and Tanner was as far away as the horizon.

*~*~*

"You can do this," Hadley muttered to herself.  "You can totally do this."

She was standing at the entrance to the Wrightsville Beach fairgrounds.  Through the gates, Hadley could see the bright twinkling lights advertising game booths and carnival rides.  The Ferris Wheel, the same one she'd ridden every year with Tanner from the time she was a child to the previous year's fair, was turning idly and paused every so often, giving those at the top a perfect view of the coastline. 

Somewhere in the crowds of people, Casey and Ian and the rest of Hadley's high school friends were walking and laughing, their lives undisturbed and joyous.  They were completely unaware of the internal debate she was going through.  The last time Hadley had been to the fair, Tanner had been with her. 

After a few breaths to compose herself, Hadley forced her feet into motion.  She bought her ticket and passed through the gates.  All around her were faces she recognized.  Classmates and neighbours shop owners and surfers.  People from all aspects of Hadley's life were at the fair.  She even thought she saw Braden and Adam from the Good Mourning Group walking together towards the line of food trucks.

Hadley had no interest in food.  Her stomach turned as if even the smallest bite to eat would cause her to be violently ill for days.  Everywhere she looked, she saw her brother.  

Saw him smiling and happy, waving her towards him from the other side of the grounds.  

Saw him standing by the food trucks that Braden and Adam had just walked towards where they sold deep-fried Mars bars and soft drinks.  

Saw him by the Ferris Wheel, waiting for her to join him in line.  

Even saw him standing by the carnival games where they'd wasted so much of their money on crappy prizes, all for the rush of the win.

He was as real to her as anyone else in the fairgrounds.  Blond hair blowing in the wind.  Blue eyes, the exact same shade as Hadley's, sparkled with life.  In her mind's eye, he was wearing some sort of graphic t-shirt, the sort with a cheesy slogan that he'd picked up from one of the cheap local shops for tourists.  Tanner could have been a person, as strong and solid and alive as anyone else in the fair. 

Except, he wasn't. 

The startling truth brought Hadley back to reality as he suddenly disappeared from view.  She turned in a slow circle, eyes scanning the throngs of people, looking for any trace of him but he was gone.  A ghost in the wind.

Hadley's chest tightened as she came to a stop facing the ring toss booth.  It was a game she knew well.  Just last year, she and Tanner had wasted over thirty dollars trying to win the top prize—a cheap-looking red guitar that Tanner had wanted to win so that he could hang it up in his room.  That he hadn't known how to play the guitar hadn't been a concern.

And where Tanner had been just a year earlier, there was now another guy.  Likely a few years older than she was, Hadley thought as she regarded him.  Tall and dark-haired, so dark that it was impossible to tell whether it was brown or black.  His skin was naturally tanned and she could see, even from twenty feet away, that his nose was crooked.  The man had a strong jaw and prominent cheekbones and, she noted as his gaze passed right over her, gray eyes. 

His hands were stuffed in the pocket of his jeans and his long-sleeved navy blue shirt was nothing noteworthy.  The only thing that stood out to Hadley wasn't in his appearance. It was the way he seemed completely and utterly lost.  He wasn't a local, Hadley knew that, because she didn't recognize him. 

It was while she was watching him, Tanner's voice whispered in her ear, "Do it, Had.  It's really not that big of a deal."

What's not? she wanted to ask but couldn't find her voice.  And then her fingers brushed across the envelope in her pocket and she knew what he was saying. 

"Just one kiss," Tanner's voice continued.  "If it's terrible, you never have to see him again.  Think about that.  One kiss and you can move on forever."

Just one kiss, Hadley thought.  What's so hard about a kiss?

Suddenly, it seemed stupid that she'd wasted four days on this task.  Before she could talk herself out of it, she was moving forward towards the man.  He didn't notice her coming — his eyes were shifting about the fair as if looking for someone — until the last possible second.  It was only in the final few steps before she reached him that he seemed to notice her.  Hadley watched as his strange gray eyes lit up in confusion as she stopped in front of him. 

"Hi," she said.

He raised a dark eyebrow. "Hi?"

"I know this is weird," Hadley said and her voice hitched. "But I was dared to kiss a stranger."

"Okay...?"

Hadley steeled herself, forcing back the panic and awkwardness. It would have been much easier to walk up to him and just kiss him but Hadley was pretty sure that could technically be an assault. So she asked, "Can I kiss you? For this dare?"

Gray-eyes cocked his head to the side and took half a second to read her face and her nervous twitching. What he saw there, she didn't know, but after a moment he shrugged. "Sure, I guess. For a dare."

That was all Hadley needed to hear before she reached up and pressed her lips against his.

The kiss wasn't long or passionate or really remarkable at all.  It was short and odd.  She didn't know what gray-eyes was feeling but she could tell that he was surprised that she'd gone through with it. He stood exceptionally still, like a statue.  For a very short moment, Hadley kissed him and then the moment passed and she tore her lips from his and left.

Hadley could feel his eyes on her retreating figure but he said nothing.  Not a word or a breath to call her back.  He just watched her go.  She ducked into a crowd of people and made her way behind the line of food trucks, far away from the man with the gray eyes.

"What did I just do?" she asked herself, beginning to laugh at the absurdity of it all.  It bubbled up and out of her in short little bursts and it felt so good to laugh that she just kept doing it. 

Hadley was certain that she must have looked crazy to passersby but she didn't quite care.  At that moment, she was absolutely and completely free.