Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love.  The only cure for grief is to grieve—Earl Grollman

"You're gonna do great out there," he said.  "Everyone else should be worried."

Hadley shifted her weight, unable to stand still even as Tanner attempted to give her one of his famous pep talks.  Normally she made a point to listen with rapt attention but today her eyes kept getting pulled away towards the water.  It was a good day for surfing, the conditions just right.  The wind was blowing in an off-shore pattern, creating large waves with big barrel potential.

Along the wide expanse of Wrightsville beach, people were stretched for what seemed like miles.  It was the day of the state meet and the competition was going to be tough.  Hadley recognized most of the surfers in her category preparing for their heats that would take place every twenty-to-thirty minutes.  She'd entered many surf competitions, and won many trophies, before but none were as important as this one. 

Today, there were sponsors in the crowd and if her dream to be a professional surfer was ever to be realized, then this was her first real step in achieving it.  A sponsor could change everything.  She would have to do well enough to make sure that at least one took note of her.  If they did, it would open up the door for her to enter more national competitions, travel across the country to compete and one day make it to the minor, and hopefully in time the major, circuits.

"Hadley?  Are you listening to me?"

She looked to her brother and away from the waves.  The first heat in her category was about to begin.  She was in the third.  "No, sorry."

Tanner smiled understandingly.  "Look, you've got no reason to be worried.  Okay?  You're one of the highest-ranked amateur surfers in the state.  Don't panic.  When your heat comes, you're gonna paddle out and wait for the good waves.  You don't want to get caught in the impact zone, right?  You want to paddle out past that and wait for one of the big waves.  You only have twenty minutes and your best two waves get scored.  Don't waste your time fighting for the little waves."

"Right," Hadley nodded as the horn sounded and the first heat began.  She watched her competition paddle out.  "Avoid the impact zone."

"Remember your technique and make sure to show off all of your best tricks."

"Tanner?"

"Yeah?"

Hadley licked at her dry lips and knelt on the ground.  She flipped her board over, rechecking that the finbox and fin were still securely in place and then turned it so that she could make sure the leash was attached firmly.  The last thing she wanted to do was lose her board in the water.  No one would want to sponsor her if that happened.  She'd already waxed her board and she fretted nervously, wanting to keep her hands busy so that she didn't panic.

"What if—" she got ready to voice her fears.

"Stop," he instructed.  He gave her a hard blazing look but his eyes were warm and his mouth curved in a small fierce smile.  Tanner brushed his hand through his sun-brightened blond hair.  Everything about him was more than familiar and having him by her side was relaxing, especially as he ordered, "Breathe."

Somewhere in the crowd were their parents, waiting to cheer her on as they always did before a meet.  But here, in the minutes before she was due to step foot in the water, the only person Hadley wanted by her side was her twin.

"You are great," he said.  "You're not gonna fail and you're not going to get beaten out for any waves.  And you are sure as hell not leaving this beach without a sponsorship.  You're going to paddle hard and be aggressive for the waves that are worth it.  You'll know which ones they are, Hadley.  You always do.  It's that strange sixth sense you've got."

"Okay," she murmured.  "I can do that."

"And Hadley?"

"Hmm?"

Tanner smiled and it was one that warmed her all over, made her feel safe and confident like she could do anything because she knew that even if she did fail, he would be waiting here to tell her how amazing she'd done. 

"When you get up on your board out there, remember to enjoy the ride."

*~*

"I thought I might find you out here."

Hadley sat on the bank of a sand dune staring out at the dark waves as they crashed against the shore.  The memory of her last competition before Tanner's death faded away, leaving her lost in the confusion of the Fourth of July celebrations that were in full swing behind her.  The scent of hot dogs and hamburgers cooking on the grill wafted towards her and she could practically taste old Mrs. Toffette's potato salad or one of Casey's grandma's famous fudge brownies that were sitting on nearby tables. 

Kids played tag, squealing as they along the beach, and lighting sparklers that burned brightly, illuminating parts of the ink-dark sky.  Adults stood around, drinking glasses of wine and beer, talking and laughing as they enjoyed the festivities.  Even Hadley's parents were having a good time, catching up with all of the friends they, like her, had been avoiding these past few months.

Normally, Hadley would be with them. For years she'd spent these nights conversing with her high school friends, going night surfing or sneaking off to their spot beneath the pier for a late-night bonfire where they could drink the cans of beer they'd stolen from their parents supplies without getting caught.

Not one to miss out entirely on tradition, Hadley was drinking that night as well. Except instead of beer, it was vodka and she was hiding it in plain sight. She'd left the bottle in her bedroom after pouring some of the contents into an empty water bottle. Just then, she took a sip from it, feeling the dark burn as it passed down her throat.

She hadn't realized how hard this night would be.  That afternoon, sitting eating ice cream with Ty and his brother...Hadley had thought she'd be able to at least sit near the party without feeling as if her chest was caving in.  But all she felt was pain and the darkness in her heart, her soul, was gradually filtering into her veins and shooting off into every inch of her body until she felt heavy and cold.

It was only the heat of the vodka that kept her semi-warm but the chill continually threatened to return, unable to be entirely abated by the alcohol.  

But Hadley glanced up as Casey came to a stop beside her and then turned back to the waves.  "Hey, Case."

Casey sat down, taking Hadley's lack of anger and spite as an invitation.  They hadn't seen each other since Hadley had shown up at Casey's house unannounced but they'd texted.  Considering the almost four months of silence Hadley had previously cast upon her best friend, this was an improvement.

"How are you?"

"Fine, I guess.  You?"

Casey kicked at the sand, sending specks flying up into the air.  "Okay.  My cousin got engaged and I'm going to be a bridesmaid.  I have to go dress shopping this week and I bet she's going to pick out something really bad."

"Aren't bridesmaid dresses normally terrible?"

"Yeah.  I guess the bride doesn't want to be upstaged."

Hadley hummed in agreement and took another long pull from her bottle.  Casey was fidgeting next to her and they'd been friends long enough that Hadley knew that Casey was dying to say something but was instead tiptoeing around the issue instead of being outright. 

"Spit it out," she said at last.

Casey smiled ruefully.  "I talked with Ian."

Hadley stilled.  "Good for you."

"He wants to talk.  He misses you.  We all do."  Casey dug her toes into the sand and wrapped her arms around her knees.

"We?"

"You know, everyone.  Your friends. Amy, Amanda, and Elise, especially but the boys miss you too.  But you know how they are.  They're letting the ladies take the lead on this one.  Everyone wants to see you."

Hadley said nothing.  There wasn't anything to say, really.  She didn't know how to fold back into her old friend group.  Didn't even know if there was a place for her there anymore without her brother.

Her friend sighed.  "Listen, I'm thrilled that you reached out to me.  I was starting to think that you never would.  It's just...sometimes it feels like we didn't just lose Tanner when he..." Casey's breath hitched.  Hadley didn't turn to look at her or offer comfort, too busy trying to keep her own tears from spilling out.  Casey continued, "Sometimes it feels like we lost you too.  Even though we're talking now, it kind of feels like you're not here.  Like you're off in your own little world with no idea how to get back."

"Maybe I don't.  Maybe I'll be stuck here forever and this is who I am now. The two less twin."  It was one of Hadley's deepest, darkest thoughts.  That she was permanently damaged by her brother's suicide.  That he would be there forever, taunting her and causing her to second-guess every decision she would ever make for the rest of her life.

"You won't be."

"Oh yeah?" Hadley laughed but there was no humour in the sound.  "How do you know that, Casey?"

Casey shrugged.  "I just have to believe it, Hadley.  I have to believe that there was a reason for this.  A reason for Tanner dying.  I don't know what it is or why it's important but it's the only thing that helps me get through it."

"A reason," Hadley scoffed, sipping from her bottle and being careful not to pull a face as the alcohol burned down her throat.  She didn't want to give Casey any reason to doubt what was in the bottle.  "There's no reason."

The happy children and the party vanished into the background.  Hadley no longer thought or cared about it.  Suddenly, she wished she hadn't even left her room for this stupid thing.  All she wanted to do was curl up in a ball beneath her blankets and sleep until the day was over.

"Ian says that too."

Hadley had no reply to that and simply stared at the waves.

"He told me that he saw you the other day walking by your dad's store.  He's working there this summer.  Your dad gave him the job.  Ian was going to go talk to you but he was with a customer and couldn't leave.  He said that he turned away for one second but by the time he looked back you were gone.  And I know that you didn't come to find me at the fair because he was there.  Ian knows it too."

"Yeah."  There was no point denying it.

Casey frowned.  "Can I ask why?  He seems to think that you blame him for Tanner's...for what Tanner did."

Hadley lurched to her feet and started walking towards the waves and down along the beach.   She wasn't running away from the conversation but she couldn't sit still - not without feeling as if something in her was about to shatter.  The movement helped.  Not much but it kept the weight from becoming too crushing.  

Casey scrambled after her and so Hadley waited until she'd caught up before she spoke.  "I don't blame Ian."  Of course she didn't. He hadn't forced Tanner to kill himself. They had been friends. Practically brothers.

"Then why won't you see him?"

"Because I look at him and I see Tanner.  I know that they look nothing alike but they're the same to me.  I see Ian but it's like Tanner's right next to him and I can't function.  Time stops and the idea of talking to him seems like this impossible mountain that I can't climb.  It's too hard, Case.  If I'm begin honest, I didn't even really want to see you because every time I look at you, I see everything that Tanner could have been."

Casey stopped dead, her face suddenly closing off.  "What are you talking about?"

"Are you really going to make me say it?"

"Yes because I don't have a clue what you're getting at." But that was doubt in her voice.

Hadley stared hard at her best friend.  "I know you liked him.  And I know that he liked you back.  I could see it in his face every time that you walked into the room or whenever I brought you up in conversation.  His whole face would change. He'd just sort of light up."

Tears sparked in Casey's eyes but didn't fall down her cheeks.  "How long did you know that I...? That he-" She cut off, voice breaking.

"I knew for sure at the Spring Formal but I had guessed it for about six months before that."

Casey nodded slowly, jaw tense, and looked out towards the water and away from Hadley.  "Oh."  It came out choked.

"I know," Hadley continued, voice wavering, "that if he hadn't killed himself, you two would be dating right now.  And honestly?  You probably would have made it all the way.  College first then marriage and kids...You would have lasted.  And so sometimes it's really freaking hard to be around you too Casey because I know what his life would have been like and sometimes I just can't breathe when you're around.

"But It's worse with Ian," Hadley continued as she launched back into movement.  She kicked off her sandals and stepped into the ocean, water lapping up to her ankles.  "I can't explain it but I can't even think about him without feeling so damned overwhelmed.  So I'm keeping my distance because if I don't then I'll say things that I regret and then he'll be gone forever too, just like Tanner.  It's just easier to be by myself right now."

Casey was quiet for a moment and when she spoke Hadley could hear the tears.  "We're just worried about you."

"I'm fine."

"You keep saying that," Casey said.  Hadley felt her friend's eyes on her but didn't look to meet her searching gaze.  "The funny thing is that the more you say it, the less I believe it."

Hadley waited to see if Casey would say anything else but her friend only retreated, brushing the tears from her face as she walked back to the party. 

Once she was alone, Hadley's thoughts turned dark again as she wondered just on earth what she was doing.  The last thing she'd ever planned on was pushing her friends and family away but that was exactly what was happening.  It wasn't intentional, she didn't mean to be moody or cross, but that was the way she felt almost all of the time.  She could remember happiness before but not now.  From the moment Tanner had killed himself, only darkness remained.

The worst thing was that Hadley had no idea how to get rid of it.  She wasn't sure that the group therapy was helping, even though she'd told her parents that it was, but knew that she couldn't sit down in a room alone and talk to a psychiatrist.  It just wasn't in her nature to do so.  Nor did she want to be medicated with antidepressants or whatever else they would prescribe for her.  

Perhaps it would have been something she would have considered if Tanner hadn't killed himself by overdosing on pills.  Now, she struggled to take an aspirin for so much as a headache.  She could hardly look at a pill bottle without feeling like she was going to throw up. 

So perhaps the only thing that would help her was time but Hadley wondered what would be left for her once the grief had run its course and was no longer an all-consuming entity at the forefront of her every thought and motion.  Would Casey and Ian and all of her other friends still be waiting around for her, willing to welcome her back into the fold with open arms or would her distance be truly damaging?  

And of her parents...

Hadley struggled to see how that relationship could be repaired.  She loved her parents, of that there was no doubt, but it hurt way too much to be in close proximity to them.  There were days that even being in the same house was suffocating and it was all she could do not to scream.  One day they would have to talk about it—really talk about it—but she wasn't sure how near that day was.

The spray of water was calming and Hadley timed her breaths to the rolling waves as they crashed against the shore.  When her heart had stopped it's thundering, she considered going to find Casey to apologize for her behaviour but instead she pulled Tanner's next letter out of her pocket.  

It was number seven.  Including this one, she had twenty-five challenges to go before Tanner's dying wish for her would be completed.

She'd brought it with her tonight because she'd hoped it might make her feel better, having him with her in some capacity, but as Hadley pulled the letter out and began to read, she wasn't sure if seeing his familiar scrawl chased the darkness away or caused it to cave in further.

Hey Had, she read.

There are six-thousand-nine-hundred-and-nine living languages in the world.  I know that this is probably a super insignificant fact to you but it got me thinking.  Almost seven-thousand languages and I only know how to speak one fluently.  That's insane to me.  Sometimes I think about how crazy the world is.  How many things there are that I haven't done yet.  I've never owned a pet, I haven't travelled anywhere, I've never ridden a motorcycle. 

My point, Hadley, is that there are a million things I haven't done and I can guarantee that there are at least a million things that you haven't done either.  Experiencing the firsts... You never get those times back.  You learn how to ride a bike for the first time and it's over.  You learn to read or write and that's it.  You have your first kiss, go on your first date, and nothing is really ever as scary as it was after the first time you had to do it.

The first time it feels like you might die and it slowly gets easier the more you do it until it's second nature.  But the first time can be so exhilarating, don't you think?  That's what this challenge is for, Hadley.  I want you to experience a first and really cherish it.  Recognize that it's a first because eventually Hadley, a first time turns into a last time. 

Try something new.  Go skydiving.  Bungee jumping.  Ride a motorcycle for me or cook the perfect soufflé.  Do something fun and exciting but remember that it will never be as good as it was the first time you did it and got it right. 

Your-I-Wish-I-Had-More-Firsts-Brother,

Tanner.

Hadley was wrong.  The letter hadn't made her feel better.  If anything, that pain and grief in her chest only expanded and filled her soul until it felt as if it were crushing her.  She folded the letter up and tucked it into the back pocket of her faded blue jeans, resolving to think about this more tomorrow when her head was clear.  Perhaps the darkness would be less severe then.  

Maybe she would actually be able to breathe.  

For now, the only thing she could think about was Casey and her tear-stricken face and so, feeling as if there was lead in her feet, Hadley went to apologize to her friend.