Would you believe me if I said this was in my drafts for more than a year lol 💀

FIVE

You infiltrate the royal government and prevent Eren from seeing the future.

A crown weighed heavy on the head that wears it, but you couldn't feel it at all.

Pride was not something you could afford anymore. You knew this here, in Wall Rose, having run away from Shiganshina.

Lord Reiss scrutinized you, waiting for the trickery, the deception you would bring. It was unusual for a child no older than fourteen to seek him out, and to offer their life in his service. That was the sort of bullshit Kenny Ackerman would do, not an orphan.

"You're better off enlisting in the military," Lord Reiss scowled. "I don't have any use for children."

"Historia does," you said.

There. You placed your wild card on the table. The effect was immediate. Lord Reiss sputtered and looked around in fear of someone having heard you. How did you know that he had a bastard daughter? He yanked you by the collar and forced you to stand, enclosing his fingers around your throat. The sound of your worn boots dragging across the marble floor echoed throughout the entire empty chapel, where you knew a crystalline cavern lay hidden underneath.

"Who sent you?" he hissed. "What do they want?"

"I live freely on my own terms," you said calmly. "I am going to name a price and you will give it to me. I know everything about the Eldian Walls."

Reiss regarded you. It had only been hours ago that Grisha Jaeger murdered his entire family and stole the Founding Titan.

Wall Maria had fallen just moments ago. The only explanation now was that you were proof of Divine Intervention. You didn't know if Reiss was going to believe you but you were going to try.

"Are you God?"

A laugh escaped your throat. He was a religious man.

You supposed that in a way, you were. After all, Wall Maria was heading into ruins. You didn't meet Eren on the boat, so he probably assumed that you were dead or missing in Shiganshina. You took the same boat that his father took hours before the wall even fell.

You muttered to scare him. Lord Reiss released you, afraid that he had angered some creature disguised as a lowly peasant. It was easy to manipulate people who didn't know enough.

What would be the best way to manipulate a religious man? You thought.

"This is atonement for what your Eldian ancestors have done," you said. It was hard to take yourself seriously when you were in the body of a young girl again and spouting meaningless prayers, but Lord Reiss was in a fragile state. "You will keep me close."

You didn't have to make an effort to look scary anymore. You had lived and died five times, and now it was Loop Five. Your eyes spoke of destruction no one else had ever seen, of bloodshed and terror that only a god could have the wisdom to.

Rod Reiss was a stupid man, but he was smart enough to not provoke things he did not understand.

A lie announced to the people that a child came from the heavens to help them all. It would be good for morale after the vicious attacks as well as serve as a distraction from the government's decision to sacrifice humanity. People met this with disgust or hope. They wanted to believe that the god had a savior; others knew that humanity had been long abandoned. You could discern where Eren fell between those two categories.

Luckily, you didn't have to see him for a while. You would have gone mad. Now, your life was positively uneventful and boring with no real duties; you were just a doll in the fake king's castle.

You spent the next few years building your way up the royal court ranks.

Ascending the same year the 104th graduated, a few months earlier than the graduation, you were set to become part of the royal court. It was funny how little the title actually mattered. The servants in the palace were rather wary; you were not a cruel sovereign, never rude or unjust, but the idea that you were something like a god attested to the belief that you could judge their sins.

You did not speak and kept to yourself. Everyone steered clear of you like you were a demon. Sometimes, you'd "predict" things like a storm or a famine in a district, and it would happen because it did in your past life, thereby solidifying everyone's beliefs that you were a messenger from heaven. Everybody feared your ability to determine fate.

The more you thought about it, they did have the right to be afraid because that was exactly what you were going to do. Was this how Eren felt, all those years ago?

You thought of him every day.

You missed him like hell.

You wondered how your friends were doing now that you weren't in their lives. You had a feeling that Eren, Mikasa, or Armin mentioned you to them, so they at least knew you existed.

Rod Reiss spoke you to once. It had been years since your last conversation.

"The people need a morale booster," he stated plainly. "We will tell them you're joining the court. They'll think you'll protect them."

You scowled. "That's your fault for spreading lies."

His mustache twitched. "I do not mean to offend you. All these years I have let you here, yet you never told anyone who you are."

"I don't need to answer to you," you said coldly. "Watch out. Don't think your paradise will last forever."

He flinched. You had deliberately dropped the word paradise. That meant you knew more than you should. It was a reminder for him to mind his own business.

Still, there was no stopping the lie.

Flowers decorated the courtroom, hoping their beauty would appease you. As if you ever threw a fit anyway. Many important people—lords, commanders, aristocrats—had been invited to watch your ascension. They tried to win your graces with deceitful smiles, but anyone could feel their resentment. No matter how rich or powerful they were, no one could dare to cross a god. And that you were so young, basically a child, added insult to their injury.

A cape was draped over your shoulders. Your gown was simple and white, like a groomless bride. And when the minister carefully placed the bejeweled scepter in your hand, you did not feel its weight.

You were now part of the royal court.

You would probably serve Historia once they overthrew the fake king.

You would enjoy that.

Chills ran down your spine. It had been a long time since you'd had a new experience, something that was not a repetition of a past life. If someone had told you that you were going to be in the monarchy one day, you would have laughed. That was a fable back when you were poor, starving, and covered in soot head-to-toe. Now you were well-fed, dressed in the finest gowns, and took warm lavender baths every day.

You lifted your head and swept your gaze across the room. People flinched; they were fearful to look in your eyes lest you smite them. Back then, it took all your willpower not to roll your irises; now you were quite used to it even if it made you feel lonely.

Startling blue eyes caught your attention. Commander Erwin was scrutinizing you with an unreadable expression. You knew his curiosity had been piqued. If you really were a god, then you must have answers to his questions.

No queries were entertained. The chambers served as your refuge the moment it was over. It was all in good nature, you reassured yourself, to remind them that you were a force to fear. The mirror let you blink at your reflection. You slowly lowered the scepter and placed it on the nearest velvet pillow. The look in your eyes reminded you that no matter how pretty of a life or a lie you could spin, it would never change the fact that you were destined to enter a future of violence and war.

In fairness, once the common folk heard of it, they went wild. Any sliver of hope was good.

The 104th heard the rumors of the new court. It was most unusual for it to be a girl. Whispers said she was a fallen angel from the heavens, sent after the Titans destroyed Wall Maria to govern the survivors. Some people said she was a mute because she never spoke to others.

"She's just a human hiding behind a bunch of walls. If she really is a god, then she's doing a real bad job at it," Eren began. "No god helped me find my childhood friend after she went missing. They weren't there while I watched my mother get eaten!"

His classmates began to shift uncomfortably, like they were expecting you to materialize out of thin air and vaporize him in seconds.

"And now she thinks she's got the right to take the best soldiers for her protection? Isn't she supposed to be an untouchable god? She can take the scepter and shove it up her—"

Mikasa raised a hand to stop him. "That's enough."

Somewhere in Mitras, you sneezed.

On the day Wall Rose fell, your senses became more alert, like the thrill before plunging into battle. It wouldn't be long until you'd see the 104th again. Like always, you waited as everything went the way it did before. You felt antsy. Your fingers were itching to join the fight because you knew that no matter how many lives you lived, no one could take away the fact that you were a soldier.

When the tensions that would eventually turn into the uprising came, you meant to intervene by talking to Erwin Smith. Surprisingly, he contacted you first. You wrote back, Yes.

Soon enough, Rod Reiss was dead. Historia took his place as the queen.

The Survey Corps were housed in the palace before they left for Trost District in preparation for the return to Shiganshina. It made their skin crawl to know that they were living in your abode. They stuck together like a school of fish when they walked around the corridors of your palace. You had spoken to Historia prior, and willingly gave her the task of being the true ruler of the walls.

"The god was surprisingly chill about it," said Connie, awestruck as they surveyed the glittering statues and paintings that decorated the palace. "Captain Levi says it's a token of her goodwill. Bet you regret insulting her now, eh, Eren?"

"Whatever," Eren said gruffly. "It means she let the aristocrats keep everything for themselves."

"Or maybe she just wants you well-fed so you're strong enough to win a battle for her," Jean said impatiently. "We've been through this, Eren—she wasn't the ruler. Rod Reiss was. She's not making political decisions, Historia is."

"She only warned about Wall Rose before the news could reach us!" Eren burst out. "What else does she know? Is she seriously going to just sit back and not tell us anything more? What kind of god does that?"

"The power of the gods does not come for free," you said from behind, just to scare them.

Eren, despite himself, jumped. He was not alone. The entire Squad Levi froze when they realized you were standing right behind them. Dressed in robes, you looked every bit of the sovereign everyone feared.

Eren gawked. For a moment, he truly believed you were a goddess.

Your face was not perfectly symmetrical. You had dark circles from your lack of sleep. As a royal, you had been beautified with makeup and a well-woven dress, but Eren could see past it. You had the same lifelessness in your eyes that showed in people who had been through Titan attacks in Wall Maria, maybe even worse. You had grown up poor. You were a mortal.

Mortal, but you were so beautiful. Unlike the soldiers, with their brash abrasiveness, you were as pretty and delicate-looking as a flower after dew.

But there was just something about your mortality that he just knew. You had a gorgeous face, and a sweet voice, but your eyes held so much unspoken pain.

Eren yearned to know more about it, and for some reason he had the strange urge to comfort you so it would go away. He wanted to know what your eyes looked like when they sparkled with happiness, and every other possible emotion—just not the sadness that overwhelmed your gaze.

He didn't know how, but he could tell that you were a kid with uncontrollably destructive power, just like him. Something lifted in his chest.

A hand yanked him down, and he realized that Mikasa had forced him to kneel along with everyone else. Her knuckles had gone white with fear of what would happen next. Annoyance panged through him. Couldn't they all see that you were so clearly human?

"Rise, Squad Levi. I'm not your queen. Historia is."

They followed orders without question and immediately saluted you. You tilted your head and regarded them each. It was terrifying. Your expression didn't give away anything—you trained yourself for this exact moment—but you surveyed the faces of your old friends. They knew who you were but they didn't know that you knew them. It was easier this way. Even Armin and Mikasa, your childhood friends, didn't seem to recognize you. But Eren stared, like he was trying to place where he had seen you before.

"Eren Jaeger, holder of the Attack Titan," you said. "Follow me."

You didn't mean to, but you had been forced to learn how to speak like an aristocrat and it was hard to gain your old accent back. If your old self were here, she'd snort at how prim you sounded. But the person you were was long gone. She had died six times.

"Where...?" Eren began.

"I will not ask you again," you said, albeit patiently. You spoke with a tone that was expected to be followed without question.

Sparing a glance at his friends, he followed you out the hallway. Your heart began to beat rapidly as his footsteps padded, echoing yours. It had been so long since you were this close to Eren. You pushed open a door that led to a balcony, overlooking the gardens of Mitras. Eren was wary, but he wasn't afraid to hold your gaze.

"Do you believe in the teachings of the Church, Eren?"

He looked taken aback. "What?"

"I am not surprised that you are so against the idea of there being a god." You laughed dryly. "Why should you? We are a civilization of devils. There is no heaven here, only hell."

"So..." He tried to keep his voice steady. "You're not a god?"

"Do you think I am?" you asked, amused.

Eren was quiet. You knew he was in the stage of his life where he contemplated his worth after seeing the memories of his father. He had told you in your past lives that in that cave, Rod Reiss explained that since Eren was a person with power, he was a higher being.

"You're a mortal with powers that no one understands," he deduced. "By that logic, that would make me a god too. But I'm not. So no, I don't think you are."

You smiled, so oddly familiar to Eren that it made his head spin. He dared to ask.

"Is it true that you can predict the future?"

"I have a vague idea of what's going to happen next," you said. You were surprised that your mouth hadn't sewn shut, because it always did when you spoke of time loops. "But it's not reliable. Everything can change in an instant."

"Then," he said. "Can you tell me what's going to happen once I return to Shiganshina?"

An entire regiment, wiped out except for a handful. Eren, beaten into a pulp by the Colossal Titan. The fear he felt walking through the forest. Meeting Zeke. Finding out the truth. Marley. Ocean waves on the horizon. The world burning to dust.

You tilted your head and lied. "I'm sorry. I don't know what your future holds."

The Survey Corps were disgruntled when they realized just how comfortable Eren got with you. He didn't get reprimanded for speaking ill about you in your presence and nobody believed him when he said you only wanted to chat. They didn't know what he did; that you were equals. It was the first time Eren knew that there was someone on the same level of power and fear as him. Strangely enough, your presence comforted him, like it was something he had been searching for his whole life.

"Does it scare you?" he once asked, on another night you saw each other and had the time to talk. "To know what's going to happen in the future, unable to prevent it?"

The look you gave Eren was sad. It made his skin crawl.

"I've seen another person carry the burden," you said. Eren looked at you quizzically. "He turned into someone else. He turned hard-hearted and masked his emotions to become someone cold."

"What happened to him?"

"He died a long time ago."

"And... what did you do?"

"I took his burden," you said. It was hard to talk to Eren now. But this Eren was not the same as before. This Eren didn't know you that well. There was no emotional attachment here, or so you thought. "And now I'm playing god for him."

"That's how I feel about my father."

You shifted. You knew each other a little too well. You became Eren a little too well. That was the problem, no matter how far apart you were in every life. It was like you were one soul, split apart and residing in different bodies, longing to be reunited.

"Then you understand."

"I do," he said. "I—I'm glad I'm not alone on this. I thought I was going crazy."

"Don't get too comfortable. I'm far gone. You are too."

"I don't mind it. You seem fine to me."

You knew Eren meant it in a friendly way, but you'd seen too much—of the past that didn't exist anymore and the future that was going to repeat itself—and could sense that it was going in an all-too-familiar direction. Conflict splayed across your face. As much as you'd like to, you couldn't love Eren in this loop. He didn't really know you. It would be immature to let your feelings get in the way, even if you couldn't prevent him from wanting to be your friend.

The afternoon of the Shiganshina expedition came to fruition. The sun set redder than you could have imagined. You will not fight. You will wait and prevent Eren from seeing the future. It felt like you were waiting for them to bring you home glory. You waited at the district to watch them leave, along with Historia. Each soldier led their horse to go over the wall and you watched the 104th set off.

Eren saw you well. You stuck out like a sore thumb, dressed in fine robes while he was in a soldier getup. The others were apprehensive as soon as they saw you but he took it to heart knowing that you were giving the Scouts your full support. After a moment's hesitation, he came up to you to give an awkward bow of his head.

"I'll do my best," he said. "To find something and come back as well."

"Good luck," you said. That was all you had to say because you knew he would come home. No sorrowful looks were given to him, even though you already knew his fate. He didn't have to think you thought him a corpse already.

When he did come back to the Walls, he already looked like a corpse.

Dark circles underneath his eyes. He knew the truth. It had taken his dreams of exploring the world beyond the walls and shattered them like fragile glass bottles. Looking back, you could see just how fickle it was of him to hold onto a dream that he'd nursed since childhood.

You thought of this as you stood at the center of the throne room, ready to bestow the medals upon the few soldiers who made it back. Historia was absent because you had convinced her to stand with her comrades and let you do the medallion ceremony as a deity.

They kissed your hand. The bronze medals were cool in your palm. Eren was quiet for a long time. His eyes remained trained on the carpeted ground, gaze serious. He lifted his eyes only to watch you set the medal around his neck, the sun against your back glowing with mortality and fake power. Your hand brushed slightly against his jaw as you lifted it back up and it was strangely familiar to him. To you, it was a reminder of how deep your love once ran for him.

Eren lifted your hand. You resisted the urge to flinch. There were so many ways this could go wrong. Then he placed a chaste kiss on your knuckles and dropped it respectfully. You studied his eyes, holding his gaze for a few moments to make sure that he was not showing any signs of madness, before stepping back and pretending that you hadn't done anything at all.

The ceremony ended without drama. The soldiers began to mingle about the room.

Eren never saw the future.

"Congratulations," you said without too much emotion. You meant it out of wellness. "I am sorry to hear about Commander Erwin."

"He was a good commander," Eren said, just so he could have something to say. In your peripheral vision, Armin turned his eyes away uncomfortably.

Your face softened, just a tiny bit, and nodded at him. "The choices we make all lead to something that is meant to be, good or bad. You are the choice that is meant to be, Armin Arlert."

The squadron stared at you. You bowed your head and excused yourself, your dress sweeping behind. Perhaps you weren't so intimidating. If circumstances had been different, then maybe you would have been their friend.

"Your girlfriend's pretty nice, Eren," said Jean.

"She's not my girlfriend," he replied. Despite himself, he kept glancing back at you to see if you'd heard. "Just... she's part of the court. It's my duty to serve her."

Connie grinned. "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

-

Occasionally, you saw Eren around the Walls—in the military barracks in Trost, when they were doing repairs to Shiganshina houses, when Historia had her comrades over for tea—but you didn't actively seek his companionship out until they began to construct the harbor by the coastline. You were only there to give Historia insight into the process, but when you came out to the beach for fresh air you saw him walking down the coast. It was obvious from his steady, jubilant expression that he was looking forward to the places he would explore beyond the horizon.

The Marleyans had paid a visit, and while everyone oohed and ahhed over their modern technology, you stayed behind and observed Eren. He was not as depressed as he used to be in past lives. Sure, he had a few sunken lines from how much death and mental strain he'd been through, but he was just as curious and positive as anyone else when it came to the prospects of the future. You wished that had been his reality the first time.

He called out, "It's you."

You stopped in your step, feet sinking into the sand. "It's me."

Without another word, he went towards you and fell into step like walking down the beach was something you did together all the time. It rattled your bones because it was. In past lives. But doing so was for lovers and troublemakers, not acquaintances. You wondered if Eren thought of you as an actual friend.

The first twenty minutes of you walking down the beach was uneventful, awkward with silence. It wasn't a painful silence, it was a silence that felt right, one that could only happen when you knew someone well for a long time and didn't have to speak to be understood. Above you, the sky was a pale blue, soft as cotton.

You stole glances at his face from your peripheral vision. His hair was a bit long now, reaching his neck. You wanted to reach out and touch it.

He asked you a question out of the blue.

"Do you know what's really across the sea? You know... any superpowers that can tell you that?"

"Mountains that breathe fire," you listed absent-mindedly. Seagulls squawked over the squalor of the ocean. "Forests thick with plants so green and big that the sunlight can't pass through. Endless dunes of sand. Poisonous flowers. Animals that can swallow cows alive. Lots of things."

You both went quiet, imagining what you were describing. The tide rose and the water hit your ankles.

"Do you believe me?" you asked when he was silent for too long. You sounded crazy. But it was true.

Eren looked back at the beach where two sets of footprints — yours and his — slowly disappeared as the water came to eradicate them. He looked back at you, bathed in the sun's light. You were not a god. Just a person.

"I believe you."

You nodded your head.

-

Yelena offered weapons of war.

You hesitated to accept them.

The Survey Corps was focused on the happenings within the walls. They didn't think too much of what kind of welcome awaited them beyond Paradis. You found yourself being as moody and unpredictable as Eren was before, back when he was the only person who knew what was coming. It injected you with an incurable melancholy and stifling anxiety that wouldn't roll off your shoulders. And the old sadness—knowing that this is what Eren had to suffer through.

At this point in time, he was no awkward boy anymore. He was growing into a man, calm and reasonable when it came to acknowledging things as they happened. He was highly empathetic, always knowing whenever you felt sad. Never crossing the boundary, but always maintaining a respectful distance.

'Accidentally' bumping into you whenever the Scouts paid a visit. Occasionally asking how you were.

"You don't like to fight," he said one day, more of a fact than a question. "That's why you avoid the outsiders."

"I don't trust them," you said. "Have you ever heard of my intuition being incorrect?"

"No," Eren admitted. It was dark in Mitras. You pushed open the balcony doors again, where the marble railings glinted under the moonlight.

Cool air greeted you. It reminded you of the books in the palace library, telling fairy tales about knights and princes. You thought this was similar to that. It was amusing to you now, how people within the Walls lived like peasants while the rest of the world was so modern.

"After you," said Eren. "There's more I'd like to ask, if I may."

Your eyes hardened. You didn't want Eren to be too connected with you, but you couldn't exactly leave him alone either.

"Alright, Eren."

You stayed on one side of the balcony, Eren on the other. You faced each other. His skin was glowing, dim in the moonlight. In different circumstances, this could have been romantic. But you only felt stifled by how romantic it was. Why was it always like this with Eren?

"Do we have a clear goal when it comes to the outside world?" he asked. "I mean... Zeke contacted us and lent support."

"Don't trust Zeke Jaeger," you said abruptly. "Outsiders are not our friends."

"So you're saying everything beyond the sea is our enemy, then?"

"It's not like that, either," you sighed. "It's complicated. Say Eren, if everyone wanted to kill the Eldians, what would you do?"

"I would have to fight them," he stated. It was so plain, clear as day. "I wouldn't allow anyone to take away my freedom."

"Do you think that peaceful ends justify the violent means?"

"I think I do," said Eren. His brows furrowed. "At least, I'm not sure. I don't know what could happen in the future."

"Right," you said. It sounded hollow in your mouth. "There's still so much time."

Eren's lips curled up. "Yeah. So much time."

-

Life was peaceful until it wasn't.

The sky was blue until it rained with attacks from people above.

A bomb from the outside world.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," you breathed, running down the windowed corridor in search of Eren. People were wailing and running around you in chaos.

A huge bomb hit the palace, causing the whole place to shake. Dust rained from the ceiling. You coughed and wiped your eyes from it. Perhaps that was the worst. Then, the window right next to you blew open from an explosion, causing you to be knocked back into a wall. You were pretty sure you'd dislocated your shoulder.

Worse, you felt something pierce through your stomach. You groaned in pain. A sharp debris had hit a vital organ. The world tilted.

Outside the window, you could see lightning strike the ground. A roar. Eren had run off and transformed into the Attack Titan.

"Eren, no," you breathed.

He was immature, and not as tactical as he should be.

You saw your mistake clear as day.

At this point in the original timeline, Eren should be dead. But he wasn't because he never instigated the Rumbling, and Mikasa had never killed him.

Without the pain he had gone through, he was not experienced enough to fight on a global scale. You shouldn't protect him from that.

You gritted your teeth. Perhaps you had unconsciously let your feelings get in the way, after all.

Scrambling through the wreckage, you made it out just in time to see the Attack Titan's nape get shot with Anti-Titan artillery. Blood splattered everywhere. A cry erupted from the depths of your throat, painful and unwilling to bear witness.

A body tumbled from the fallen Titan's nape and hit the pavement with a sickening crack. Eren had body parts blown out, including a hand and a whole leg. They were regenerating quickly, but he was disoriented from the unknown force of machinery.

You stumbled to his side, ignoring the bloodshed and chaos around you. He spat out a mouthful of blood, struggling to keep his eyes open. When he saw you, mild panic overcame them. It reminded you of your first life, when you were bombed on with Armin.

"What are you doing here?" Eren hissed. "You have to run."

"I'm not going anywhere," you said. "Fuck, I'm dying, Eren."

You gestured to your torso, where blood was gushing out. You were pretty sure it had skewered your liver and sliced a part of your stomach. It was a miracle your guts weren't spilling out.

"Fuck," Eren repeated.

You had seen death too many times to be emotional. You will see him again soon.

Hell no. You grimaced. You did not want to start over again. But this was the end.

In the distance, you heard clanking sounds—a huge gun, loaded. It was the Anti-Titan artillery. They pointed it at Eren again, with you in the direct line.

"Get out of here!" Eren yelled, shoving you back. A clot of blood streamed from your mouth, gagging you. He stopped immediately and realized it was futile. You were fatally injured. You were both going to die.

"I was really rooting for you, you know?"

Eren's eyes snapped to you in shock. Like he couldn't believe what you were saying.

You continued. "I did for you before. Shit, I think I do even more now."

Eren's hand slid into yours. His arms wrapped around you and buried your head into the crook of his neck, unwilling to let the last thing you saw be his tears, furious at his weakness. What were you saying? That you cared for him in a way? He had never thought you liked him that much. It came as a total surprise.

"I think I could have liked you," he said, and you weren't angry that he said could have because it was your doing that made him never act out on it. "Really. I had a crush."

You laughed drunkenly, lightheaded with rapid blood loss. "I know. You're meant to. I hate you for that."

"I... I'm sorry," he offered, which sounded more like a question. It only made you laugh until you coughed out more blood.

The artillery fired—a huge blast. Next time.

"Next time, next time, next time," you whispered before both of you got blown apart.