Life went on. By this time, you'd settled into your relationship with Jean. Time made you love him in a way. You tried so hard to make Eren hate you but he never did.

When you fought, he apologized first.

When you glared, he'd turn red.

When you kissed Jean in front of him, his eyes cast a shadow in the room.

It was like drowning in quicksand. The harder you struggled, the faster you sank to your death. Anyone could see that whatever tension brewed between you and Eren was the result of unresolved emotions. Levi's snide comments and the visible discomfort of Armin and Mikasa whenever Eren had his moods were enough to prove it.

It didn't help that the tension between you and him only grew thicker, more adult.

One time, when building the railroad, you lifted a heavy plank and grunted as you passed them to Eren to nail down. Armin and Sasha chased over the water, and Mikasa busied herself lifting. You didn't have the energy to pretend like you wanted to talk to Jean, because although you cared for him, there were times when you were honest with yourself.

When you heaved as you lifted the next plank, perspiring from torpor, Eren snapped to Jean, "Shouldn't you be helping your girlfriend?"

"What, you think she can't handle herself?" Jean snapped back. "Also, aren't you the asshole who said we should train our bodies while developing the island? If you didn't want her to struggle, you should've kept your mouth shut!"

Eren's hammer slammed extra hard on the next nail he put down.

Your stomach somersaulted. Usually, Eren would direct the insult at you. Now he was directing it at Jean, like he couldn't bring himself to drag you anymore. Eren had matured a bit more in the past few years. Now he was turning into a man. And—you hated to admit it—an attractive one, at that.

You'd been in a stable relationship with Jean for years now, and you did grow to love him, but he just wasn't the boy you'd been living for.

"Calm down," you said. "I'm fine—it's good to have some more exercise while we wait for Hizuru's plans."

Jean scoffed. "You agree with this airhead?"

Connie, who had been standing next to Jean, and Mikasa, who passed with beams over her shoulder, both looked away, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire of a lovers' quarrel. Eren, however, glanced from the side as he hammered down more nails. The sweat trickling down your temples didn't help your predicament.

"I'm not taking sides with anyone," you said hotly. "I thought you knew me better than that."

You pushed away the guilt for gaslighting Jean. You never told him everything. Not like the way you were with Eren in the previous loop, with whom you were openly vulnerable.

"I'm starting to think I don't," Jean mumbled, just enough to reach yours—and unintentionally, Eren's ears. Eren's left brow rose.

You put your planks down and put on your best hurt face. "Jean..."

It was easy to be in a relationship with Jean. If you ever got into a squabble, you'd wear puppy eyes and he'd come running back to you. Now was another ripe time to weaponize his feelings. As harsh as it was, you wanted Eren to see that once you and Jean made amends, absolutely nothing could sway you to choose Eren. No matter how much you cared for him.

Jean's eyes darted from you to Eren, and a flash of real pain shone in his look before he sighed exasperatedly and turned away.

"Look, [Name], I think we should just cool off for a bit," he said. "I need time to think about some stuff."

As you spoke, you purposely sounded fragile and small. "Why?"

"Just... some stuff."

Your panic swiftly turned to anger. "Fine."

"Fine."

You roughly dropped the planks before Eren's feet. He looked at you warily as he picked one up and began to hammer it down. Then he stopped with a considerate look and said, "I think you'd prefer the hammering work. It lets anger out better."

It was astounding how attuned Eren was to your emotions. The selfish longing in you purred like a cat, desiring for interaction with him.

Your fingers touched briefly as he handed the hammer to you.

A small fizzle of electric shock blasted through your fingers and suddenly you thought of your past life, where Eren had kissed you in the snow after saying that you were the prettiest girl in the room. Even in the current heat, you could remember the cold wind, and the snowflakes in his lashes so clearly.

And you saw another thing—you, covered in the same snow, eyes wide after the kiss—as though you were seeing that memory from Eren's point of view.

Clank! You jumped at the sound of the hammer falling onto the metal track. It had barely missed yours and Eren's feet. He snapped out of whatever daze he'd been trapped in, as did you.

"Sorry," you hurriedly said at the same time.

You bent down to retrieve the hammer. Eren did the same. As your fingers enclosed around the hammer, his fingers enclosed yours by accident. You made eye contact. His face was barely inches away, just like before. Eren stared at you with a weird look, like he just remembered something funny.

You cleared your throat. Eren released his hand. Your skin tingled where he had been.

"I'll leave you to it," he said before slowly standing up to resume your work of bringing planks.

You looked down at your hand. It suddenly felt weak, like you'd fallen asleep on it and now it was numb. You looked back at Eren. Is it possible that...?

In your peripheral vision, you saw that Jean had caught you staring at Eren's back. You quickly went back to work.

Eren made a quick jab that your hammering was awful and that he could teach you how to fix it. You had no choice but to let him. His hand enclosed around yours again, his chest pressing against the deltoids of your back as he taught you the 'correct' and 'proper' way. His low tone whispering instructions into your ear didn't help either. Your legs felt like jelly as you avoided Jean's gaze. Everything about Eren - his energy, his voice, even the sweat running down his temple - was far more exciting and fitting to you than Jean.

When you rode the train cart home, they began discussing who'd inherit Eren's Titan.

Jean volunteered. "I'm no suicidal butthead. I have excellent judgment and I can carry any duty." He used to say it humorously, but now, there was a venom. Seeing Eren close to you had set him on edge.

A few questioning glances were thrown at you, to see if you'd volunteer as well. You kept your mouth shut. No reason to admit you'd do something for Eren.

Then Eren said what you remembered he said.

"I'm not handing it down to any of you. Because you're important to me. So I want you to live long lives."

Then the blushing. You missed his embarrassed blushes.

When the train disembarked, Jean didn't say anything to you as he entered the military barracks. You wilted.

Beside you, Eren muttered, "Some boyfriend he is."

"Jean's a good boyfriend," you defended. "He's better than this."

Eren gave you that weird stare again. "He doesn't know a thing about you."

You laughed cruelly. "And you do?"

"No," he said. He paused. "But I could. If you'd let me."

Your chest closed up and the sea washed in your vision. If you'd let me. You'd denied him so many times. You changed tactics.

"I'd take your Titan, by the way," you said. You mimicked his earlier words. "If you'd let me."

A semblance of a smile formed on his lips. By nature, you nearly smiled too, but fought back to look serious.

"I'm a good choice," you said. "I'm strong, I'm quick-thinking, I can combat well—"

"I know, you used to beat me up when we were kids," Eren said. "And you slapped me back then."

"You had a harder hit than me!" you exclaimed, losing yourself for a moment and reverting back to your original personality. "So you see, I should be the next Attack—"

"No."

"Why?"

"I thought I made it clear earlier," Eren muttered. "Because... you're important to me."

You felt your heart sink. You never succeeded at making Eren hate you. You just made him love you in a different way. Some things just couldn't be changed.

"And you said you wanted to have a family," Eren continued. "And stability."

By now, it was dusk, and the cart hadn't been polished at all because you were talking to Eren, and his face was illuminated by the lights from inside the headquarters, but you could see him clearly. His eyes were sad at the thought of something he couldn't give you.

"You remembered," you said, thinking back to the day you reclaimed Shiganshina.

"It was all I could think about," he confessed. "Even until now."

A pause ensued as the implications of Eren's words hung in the air.

"Have you ever talked about it with Jean?"

You played with your thumbs. "Not yet."

Yet. You let the word simmer. Eren was genuinely puzzled. "Really? After all this time you've been together?"

"I didn't want to get our hopes up in case one of us dies."

Eren went quiet. He had thought that the longer you'd be with Jean, he'd accept that you were really an item and get over it, but a part of him knew that you didn't belong with Jean. Now it was evident that you weren't good for each other, and all Eren could think was that you belonged with him. You had feelings for each other long before you even looked at Jean.

He couldn't exactly figure out what those feelings were yet, but he knew it wasn't the childish hatred he used to believe he carried for you. By all rights, Eren had been your childhood friend, the one who understood you at your worst, the one you always fought with but never hated. And if life had ever somehow opened a window where Eren could have turned the tide around for you and him, he would have. You would have never felt alone and he'd provide a real future for you.

Thinking those kinds of thoughts made him feel traitorous. There was no way he was pining over his friend's girlfriend.

"You ever talked about that with Mikasa?" you asked.

A sullen look overtook Eren's face. "I don't want to talk about that. It's complicated."

"Don't you like her?" Eren hated the way your voice sounded innocent and sweet, but there was a quaver. "She's quite devoted to you."

Eren shrugged. "I've tried to love her the way Jean loves you. And I do love her—I care for her deeply. But... she's my sister."

"You don't have to call each other siblings," you pointed out.

"My mom and dad called us their children, and Dad referred to Mikasa as his daughter in his memories, so no thanks. And I grew up with her. It's bizarre."

"Does that mean I'm your sister too?"

Eren stared at you. He could shove you aside and you'd forget this conversation happened at all. But a part of him wanted to open up to you.

"It's not the same," he muttered. "You aren't like her, you had your own family. But you still care for me and understand me and I know I love you in some way."

You froze. Love was a strong word and you looked almost afraid of hearing him say it. He continued before you could tell him to stop.

"You don't call me useless or weak, you know when's the right time to leave me alone or when to wipe my tears, you trusted me enough to let me hit you... and I know you well enough that the guy you're with is not good for you."

Eren expected your anger. You flared satisfyingly, like fire he'd stoked from coal.

"Jean is good for me," you said. "And you're only saying that because I—"

"Because you what?" Eren leaned forward.

You recognized his expression. The longing in his eyes. The eagerness and the flush creeping up his neck at your almost admission, the acknowledgement that something was there.

"I hate you," you fumed. Eren rolled his eyes.

"You love me," he said with sarcasm, but there was a veil of deceit. "What, is Jean-boy upset that his girlfriend likes someone else?"

You scowled. "You're an ass, Eren Jaeger."

"You're not denying it. You know what I don't get?"

"What?"

"Why you never said anything. If you don't like Jean, why didn't you break up? And if you never hated me, you should have said something instead of fighting."

"We didn't get along," you lied.

"I wish you'd just been my friend from the start. You should have told me. You should've given me a chance."

"It wouldn't have made a difference, Eren."

"How do you know that?" he asked fiercely, taking a step towards you. "How do you know you and I wouldn't have felt differently about each other?"

Your face twisted, like you knew something he didn't.

"Yes, I do, because you're just jealous, Eren. You're jealous that I chose Jean over you when we were kids."

Eren's face morphed into a scowl. "Fine," he said. "I am jealous. Because I wanted you. I liked you first. I know you better and you know it."

You opened your mouth, but no words came out.

"And don't fucking tell me you don't want me because I can see the way you look at me. Everyone can."

Eren put his hand on your shoulder. When you didn't pull away, his hand slid to cup your cheek. Slowly, his face inched near yours.

"Be honest with me, just this once, please," Eren whispered. "Do you really love him?"

Jean. Who had taken care of you and loved you purely, who never dragged you into plans of murder or destruction, who could sustain the stability you desperately desired from life, who was not Eren.

Your face swirled with conflict.

"It's just us," he said, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. "You can be honest."

You breathed out,

"No."

Eren's nose brushed against yours. You didn't want him to love you, but you also didn't want to push him away. He had never kissed anyone before, but when he pressed his lips onto yours, everything felt right.

You stiffened. He wasn't supposed to kiss you, but your muscle memory betrayed you. Your hands instinctively slid into his soft hair, just the way he liked it, and your lips kissed back with fervor. When you remembered that this was the exact opposite of what your life was for, you hastily pulled away, eyes wide. Eren's lips were slightly-parted, half-forming your kiss. He opened his eyes and you saw elation and freedom.

You were horrified. What have you done?

Your face closed over, impenetrable to his resignation. Eren let you go, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

Before you could enter the headquarters, the door swung open to reveal Jean. You stood helplessly as he side-stepped you, eyes murderous, as he headed to Eren with balled fists.

"You fucking scumbag!" he yelled before his fist swung. Eren caught it easily and twisted his arm so Jean slammed against the train cart. You winced.

"Watch it," Eren grunted, calm and even a little smug, as he let Jean go with a small push. Jean stumbled against the cart before touching his bruised cheek. "Fuck are you here for?"

"You kissed her," Jean hissed. "You forcefully kissed my—"

"I kissed someone I love," Eren reminded him mercilessly. "She's hardly yours. You've turned a blind eye to [Name] loving me behind your back for years, but I'm not standing for it anymore."

You wanted to beg them to stop, to break them apart like you used to do as a kid, but now, there was nothing you could do except stand helplessly to the side.

Jean grit his teeth. He did not live through countless hell with you, care for and love you, just for Eren to strut over and claim your heart as his. But a part of him knew that you were never fully his. You'd always been drawn to Eren more.

"She and I have a history dating back to childhood, Jean-boy. She wiped my tears and I held her when she grieved while all you could do was watch. I know how she feels."

Eren started walking off.

As he passed you, he put his hand on your arm, softly, tenderly, like you were something delicate he didn't want to ruin. You couldn't bring yourself to jerk away. Your lower lip trembled as he gave your arm a reassuring squeeze that Jean could obviously see.

"And for the record," he said over his shoulder to deliver the final blow, "she kissed me back."

Jean stiffened with hurt. Part of him wanted to believe otherwise, but your guilty face wordlessly told him the truth.

Things were tense in the Survey Corps after. Eren let you pretend he didn't exist. He knew he'd crossed a line. The squad was divided. Sasha and Connie sided with Jean, while Armin and Mikasa sided with Eren. As always, you had no one.

Eventually, Eren approached you after dinner. People shot you knowing and wary looks, aware that something had happened between you. No one could deny that what you had with Eren was a rare passion, but it was still frowned upon to be a two-timer.

You looked to gauge Jean's reaction, but he stomped out, leaving you and Eren in silence.

You reluctantly motioned Eren to sit. Even though the air should have been awkward, you were still comfortable with him. The only thing that was awkward was the fact that you were with someone that wasn't him.

"One time in the Scouts, we were paired for combat training," Eren began. "You asked me to hit you and I did."

You could barely recall it. Eren had asked you to say something and you refused, eventually slapping him when he didn't get off.

Quietly he said, "I almost kissed you that day. When you were underneath me and your hair was sprawled out. I kept running my mouth because I wanted you near me. I thought I hated you, but I didn't."

You weren't surprised. "And then?"

"I don't know. I guess I just fought you because you fought me first and I convinced myself that I hated you. But I hated the way you made me feel, not you."

You could do it again if you wanted. You could kiss him and end things with Jean, make Eren yours. But it would be wrong. Loving Eren was something you wanted but couldn't do, not in this storyline.

"I hate that you're with Jean. I hate it. He's not good for you. No one will ever be good enough for you. Definitely not me."

"Eren, I never hated you either," you said softly. "But you know we can't be together."

"I know that," Eren said. "You want stability, and all I bring is chaos. But if there was a future where you could be free to love and be at peace, I would fight for you to have it."

"You wish you could love me freely," you guessed. "You wish... that I could love you back the same way."

Eren was disgruntled. "It sounds childish when you say it aloud."

"It's not," you said, placing a hand on his back. "I'd like to love freely, too. Whatever future you're thinking of, I'm sure there's a way we can find it peacefully."

"Your kids will live in a world where people beyond the walls hate them, [Name]," Eren said. "I don't want that. I want you to grow old and not have to suffer anymore."

Eren imagined it. A world where you were older, getting married to a faceless man, having children with him, and raising those children the same way you and Eren were raised together. The sadness of not being a part of that future coupled with the hatred for a hypothetical man for being likely to love you till your hair was gray made his heart clench. But if you were happy, that was enough.

"You... you do feel the same way, right?" Eren's voice had gone small, like he was that bashful child asking you to play with him again. "There's something between us."

You sighed. "There is," you admitted. "I... can we just say we're friends for now, please?"

"For now," Eren repeated. He smiled, a boyish smile you recognized as his old mischief. It hurt so much to see the ghosts of who he used to be. "Alright. I'll take that."

"But I really want to salvage what I can with Jean," you said gently. "He's still my boyfriend."

"I could be better."

"Maybe," you said. "But I still want to try it with him. I thought of a future for us."

Eren's face went slack, like he'd swallowed a lemon. Nevertheless, he nodded. It wasn't a nod that meant he'd behave. It was more like he was keen to take on the challenge of winning you over.

"Just know that I'm here for you," he said.

You kissed Eren on the cheek. Platonically. But when you pulled back, your eyes darted to his lips and he knew.

Your conversation with Jean came after you talked with Eren, and that made it less meaningful, less intimate — not that your relationship had been anything but one-sided.

"Is it true?" Jean asked without turning. His voice was not the calm you were used to. His voice was shaking. You didn't like hurting him. Jean had always been your friend, but as a lover, your feelings were protected by walls as tall as the three sisters' legacies. "You kissed him back?"

You didn't have much else to say.

"Yes."

"Do you love Eren that way?"

Yes. Yes. Thousand times yes.

"I've gravitated to him, but I want to be with you." You felt like such an asshole for lying about your love to his face. You only ever stuck with Jean because of Eren, and now he could tell that you'd been thinking about Eren all this time. It was bound to happen.

"I see."

His voice was cold and lifeless. Like you'd sucked out every reason for him to stay alive. You felt so bad. Jean had introduced you to his mother, cared for you, and you repaid him by selfishly kissing the boy he'd been worrying about.

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"But you wanted Eren."

Silence.

Lying was pointless when the evidence was clear as day. You wanted the ground to swallow you whole.

"Hey," Jean said upon seeing your stricken face. He cupped your cheek and you leaned into his touch. "Hey. It's okay, alright? We'll get through this together, me and you. It's always been us."

"Of course," you said, a performative tear welling in your eyes before it fell. Jean leaned in to kiss you and you put as much effort as you could to kiss him back in a loving way.

Jean was convinced that you were just confused after how he treated you. He deluded himself into believing that it was just a rough patch in the relationship, even though it was not normal that you and Eren had something going on. At this point you were quite honest with yourself and well-aware that your relationship with Jean was purely transactional for Eren's sake.

Everyone in the Survey Corps caught on that you were basically having an emotional affair with Eren.

You tried to avoid Eren, but it was hard to miss the eye contact, the times he'd place a gentle hand on your back or your waist, the food he'd give you when you weren't eating enough. Each time he looked like he wanted to kiss you again, but decided against it. Knowing that you liked him despite the odds was enough to keep him moving forward.

Your grand plan was a failure. Being out of Eren's reach only made him want you more.

The one time Eren sought you out was before he initiated his rumbling scheme. You knew you had no choice but to comply. It wasn't like you could make Eren feel different about freeing you, like how Jean couldn't make you feel different about saving Eren.

"I'm leaving for Marley tomorrow," he said simply. He carefully watched your face to see how you'd react. He didn't expect you to nod reluctantly.

Eren let out a sigh of relief. That was a secret he didn't have to hold from you anymore. You were so perfect for him. You always understood and never made a fuss. He didn't know how you always knew his next move, but he was grateful that you were accepting of his devilish imperfections.

Resigning to the fact that you had to change tactics, you said quietly, "You don't have to do this, Eren."

You knew you should feel bad for allowing Eren to love you while you were in a relationship with Jean, but you did not. There was no use fighting the tide when it wanted to rise.

"I have to," Eren replied steadily, ready to rebutt any argument you'd make. "For your future. For Eldia's future. I will free you from this cage."

Not long after, the war commence and you tore Liberio to shreds.

Instead of aiding Eren like before, you were placed in Jean's squad because he wanted you close to him for safety. You and Sasha took down enemy troops instead while Mikasa shouldered the burden of carrying Eren against the War Hammer Titan alone.

You wished you could say you didn't care for Jean, but he was still your close friend and that was a bond too complicated to ignore. Every time an enemy neared him, you shot them down as you vertically maneuvered through Liberio.

"Jean, watch out!" you shouted before shooting at a grenade in midair. It exploded above his head.

Jean grinned at you. "Thanks, baby."

You loved him enough to want him to stay alive.

When the battle was over, a new fear awaited you—reliving Sasha's death. Before you could say anything, the entirety of Jean's squad released their hooks and returned to the airship.

You followed, the last one on board instead of Sasha.

Jean pulled you up. Back then, you were in the cabin watching Levi kick Eren. Now, you were in the main deck. They were celebrating. You wanted to see Eren again, but before you could go to the cabin, Jean swept you into a kiss.

"Fuck," he muttered against your lips. "I was almost a goner back there. Thanks for saving my ass."

"It was nothing," you whispered before swiftly kissing him hard, just wanting him to get off you already. Unfortunately he mistook it as passion and pulled your head closer, much to the hoots of Floch and the others.

There was the sound of something clanging against the metal outside.

"Did you hear that?" Sasha asked behind you.

Before you could react, she entered. Gabi. She loaded a gun, fast as light.

Your hairs stood on end. Sasha was behind you. Jean had pulled you on board. That meant the one in line with the bullet was Jean, not her.

The shot was fired, in line with Jean's chest.

You did love him, to an extent. Enough to keep him alive.

"Jean, no!"

You pushed Jean aside before the bullet pierced through your stomach.

Shock rang throughout the ship before all hell broke loose. You coughed out a mouthful of blood before collapsing on the floor, uniform soaking scarlet. People were screaming - at the two Eldian kids who'd entered the airship, and in your face, trying to bring you back to reality.

Your vision blurred as someone put your head on their lap. It was Jean.

"You idiot," he sobbed. "You idiot, why did you save me?"

Your tone was light as you replied, the blood loss muddling your mind. "You're not supposed to die. I am."

Tears flooded Jean's eyes before he yelled out, "We need a medic!"

You felt your uniform getting ripped by Connie so they could bandage your middle. They took one look at the hole in your stomach and knew you weren't going to make it. But they denied the truth.

"Hey. Look at me," Jean held your face gently. "Look at me, [Name]. You're gonna be okay, alright? It's just us. You and me."

You nodded wordlessly, head lolling as Sasha began wrapping a futile bandage around your stomach. The door to the cabin burst open and Armin and Mikasa came running out. The moment they saw you, they cried out. They didn't want you to die. You were their friend, the one who had been through hell with them since the fall of Shiganshina. You couldn't die.

Behind the door, someone ran out despite the protests and shouts of Hange. Levi exited after, face solemn.

Eren.

The irony hit him like rocks. He'd loved you and you reciprocated. He loved you enough to kill for you, only for you to be killed because you loved someone else.

"[Name]." His voice was shaky, different from the stoic toughness he'd shown in battle earlier. "No..."

All you could see was him. Behind him, Armin and Mikasa fumbled for medical supplies, sweat beading on their foreheads. Eren brushed the hair out of your face with shaky hands. His palms were rough, but they were your favorite to hold, even if you didn't do it that much in this life.

There hadn't been such a fuss about your death before. It felt bittersweet to know you were surrounded by people who loved you.

But the loop...

Your eyes popped open. "The loop," you gasped. "The loop will reset. I'll have dirt on my face."

Eren's brows furrowed. "What?"

"Please remember me." Tears prickled in your eyes as you looked at your friends. "Promise me. You'll remember me next time."

Clearly, they thought you were saying your final words to them, which was in a way true. They looked horrified and scared.

"[Name], I..." Jean began, but he trailed off when you grabbed Eren's wrist, the life slowly leaving you.

It was all going to start over again, and everything that happened would be forgotten again anyway, so you might as well tell this Eren the truth before you jumped into the new timeline.

"It's you," you whispered. Eren's grip tightened around your hand. "It's always been you, Eren."

"I know," he whispered back, kissing your shaking knuckles. "I know. I love you."

You held his face in your hands. You'd forgotten about the others, about Jean. There was only Eren, and you'd stay like this forever, if he'd let you.

Death greeted you like an old friend.

-

"Mama, I want to work in Wall Sina," was the first thing you told your mom as soon as you woke up in your younger body again. "There's a farm run by the Reiss family, and their daughter Frieda invited me over - can I go, pleeeaase?"

"[Name]," your mother affectionately swiped the hair out of your cheeks. "You don't need to be in Wall Sina, or work there. I'm happy to simply have you as my daughter."

"I don't want to join the military or work in a restaurant," you pouted. "And I want to work! That boy next door is super creepy and he wants to join the Survey Corps! Plus, Frieda said that if I go now, I can bring you when I turn twelve."

Your mother chewed on her lower lip. "I suppose there's no stopping you," she sighed. "I'll talk with your father and see if I can arrange for Dr. Jaeger to bring you to Wall Sina."

"Just don't make me talk to that son of his," you pleaded, a little too desperately.

Loop Five had begun, and this time, you were not walking the path with Eren.