A pregnant pause ensued where nothing but the howling wind was heard as you and Eren stared at each other. You wanted to freeze, to run away, but there was nowhere for you to go. There was only him, and he needed you.

"Eren," you said, throwing as much comfort you could provide into the words, "come here."

Eren let out a sob, like a wounded animal, before stumbling towards you like a shot buck. He exhausted all his weight into your arms and you stumbled into the house with him before he collapsed. You quickly kicked the door back in place, leaving you in vacuum silence except for the crackle of dying embers at the hearth.

"Eren," you said carefully, "what happened?"

"I don't know—" He looked panicked, like he was about to have a breakdown. "I-I think it was a dream. Like a nightmare. But I-I think it's real..."

You held his shoulders, trying to ground him.

"I just—am I crazy? Am I—" He swallowed and looked down at his hands, like he suddenly had a natural urge to bite them and unleash the power within. "Am I a—"

He didn't say it, but you knew.

Titan.

"I believe you, Eren," you said. "I think... I think it's possible."

His head snapped up. "How?"

"You heal really quickly. Your nape is ticklish. Um... I don't know, I just... I just think it's possible."

Eren's indisposed look reminded you to heed your words. "[Name], what Ymir said earlier—you know things... you have a knack for knowing what other people don't. What—what do you know?"

Your eyes welled up in frustration. You couldn't take this anymore. You couldn't stand seeing Eren in this pain again.

"Eren, I'm stuck in a—mmphhh."

Your mouth clamped together forcefully. It always did whenever you tried to tell someone you were in a time loop. Despite his own fear, Eren looked concerned for your odd behavior. It was like you needed an exorcism.

"Eren, I—" you fumbled, "I—I'm like you. I had that kind of vision too. That's why I know a lot of stuff. And since you had it too... you must be just like me."

It wasn't exactly a lie, but it definitely wasn't the truth. Eren calmed down.

"I saw the future," he whispered. "I—I did something horrible, I—I killed people outside the walls. And you—you died... you choked to death."

You winced. "Oh... that doesn't sound fun."

His bottom lip trembled. "Those people are enemies, aren't they?"

"Maybe so, but a lot of them are good people too," you reasoned. "Eren, whatever it is you saw in your vision, it doesn't need to happen. We can resolve this in another way."

"But they want us dead, don't they?" Eren asked. "So we need to strike. I'll master this power I have inside me and take them down."

"Eren, no," you pleaded. "They'll strike back. They'll kill us all."

"Which is why we need to kill them first!" he argued.

Eren was still teenage Eren, boyish and brash, but there was a new layer of mentally deranged to him. You hated that what happened to him before was unfolding again. He was still a kid, too young to be making these decisions.

"I'll slaughter them all from this world."

"No," you said weakly, but he didn't listen.

Things escalated from there.

Word about your kiss spread among the 104th as Eren started spending more time around you than usual. Everybody assumed that you were dating. You guessed you could call it that. You weren't sure what to call your relationship. Sometimes he'd steal a kiss or two, and he'd follow you around everywhere and vice versa.

You never denied him because if it meant that Eren would listen to you, that was your best chance. It also didn't feel bad to be on the receiving end of his affection, even if he was rather awkward sometimes. It was cute and pure in the way first loves always were.

For days, you sat Eren down and patiently explained that not everybody wanted Eldians dead. But you watched and facilitated as he began to exercise his newly-discovered Titan powers, asking you for information you saw in your "vision," since you conveniently knew exactly how they worked.

Each day, Eren grew stronger, fueled by the idea of freedom. He spoke like you were the only person on earth, like he was about to gift you something incandescently beautiful. But you could see fear and guilt in his eyes. They didn't shine with hope anymore. They were hollow with dread.

Another reason why you didn't know if you were really dating or not: Eren was keeping secrets, and he could tell that you were too.

This again.

It hurt in an oddly comforting way. To know that it was possible for Eren to want to love you, but even if he did, his goals for you would be his top priority. The cold truth was like a bandaid getting ripped off your skin, painful but finished.

"You look unhappy," Eren pointed out once, while you were frowning at your food at dinner. It was just the two of you at a table, separating from your other classmates.

With a furtive look, you said, "You know why."

"We can't change the future. It's set in stone."

Your eyes glimmered. "It's not, Eren. Trust me. Every choice you make... anything can happen."

"It's just that... all these thoughts, these memories I have... it's like I'm living so many lives at once and I can't tell which life is the real one. It's like these memories belong to me even though I've never lived them before."

"That's the power of the Attack Titan," you said, but something in his words unnerved you.

Eren didn't looked convinced. He spooned some of his rations and held it to your mouth. "Eat. It'll make you feel better."

You reluctantly opened your mouth and let Eren spoon-feed you. You heard giggles coming from your classmates, mostly the girls, seeing Eren, who was so brash and rough, doing something so boyfriend-like and romantic for you at dinner.

"So cute!" they squealed. Entertainment was hard to find in a military camp, and apparently watching you and Eren dance around each other was definitely entertaining. It had been obvious to them that Eren had feelings for you. It completely went over your head. Anyway, it was easier to excuse your constant attachment to Eren's side if you brushed it off as dating.

Something inside you was uncomfortable, like it pained you that Eren's gestures weren't real.

That was ridiculous.

You grabbed Eren's hand and held it, just to see if he'd react. He didn't blush and stutter anymore, but he looked pleased that you were openly touching him. Like you were proud of saying, This is my boy. He could be planning to burn the world down and I'd still hold his hand.

"You had one. Fucking. Job, [Surname]."

Jean slammed his hands on the table, causing yours and Eren's intertwined hands to thump. Eren's grip tightened as though afraid you'd let go.

"All you had to do was resist this little shithead's awkward compliments and puppy eyes. I kinda see the appeal for a girl to like a guy who's caring, but [Name], you're literally way too good for a suicidal bastard."

"You're just mad you don't have anyone to use your shitty pick-up lines on," you retorted.

"Hey—"

"—is for horses," Eren finished. He wasn't as high and mighty as before, but there was a sharp and protective edge to his tone. "Sorry. This one's not for you."

You tried not to, because it was stupid and corny, but hearing Eren openly stake his claim made your cheeks warm.

Jean narrowed his eyes. "Just don't screw this up, Jaeger."

Days blurred into weeks. You lamented on ways for Eren to find freedom, but he was dead set on the idea of the Rumbling. He slowly grew closed-off from Mikasa and Armin, and stuck to you like a vice. There was sadness in their eyes, and confusion, but they brushed it off as Eren being occupied with you.

He was like a riptide receding from the shore, preparing to crash back with a vengeance. And he was pulling you into the current with him.

This new teenage cadet Eren acted so much like his old nineteen-year-old self that it creeped you out. His voice took on a deeper timbre, and he spoke with a quiet intelligence; so unlike the young man who used to fight and argue during training. Still, loud or not, he was Eren, and you loved him no matter what.

On a free day, the cadets waded in a lake just below the mountain. Eren didn't want to swim, so you sat next to him as everybody else stripped and splashed into the water. His legs were extended, heels barely touching the shore. You almost contemplated putting a hand on him or resting your chin on his shoulder, but shook it off.

Armin sent you a knowing look as he and Mikasa rolled up their sleeves and waded into the shallows. "[Name], Eren, join us."

"Maybe later," Eren replied half-heartedly. He glanced at you. "Do you want to?"

"I'll do whatever you want," you answered.

You didn't like it. Eren's thoughtlessness, his disinterest for deep connections and the way he hid his gnawing fear of hurting those he loved. You didn't like feeling like an adult already, even if you knew you had already been an adult. 

He leaned his head against your stomach to use as a pillow. His neck fell into your lap. You knew he was pretending not to, but his nape was tingling from being pressed against your thighs. Your cheeks warmed at his shamelessness. Clearly, Eren was not as self-conscious when it came to PDA as you.

"Did I ever tell you that I like you?" he asked, looking up at you upside-down.

"Only a million times," you said, brushing the hair from his face. He seemed to like that. "Because we're close."

And it was true. At the moment, you were the only one who knew everything. He confided in you and sought you out to describe his fears, hopes, and nightmares made him look hungry. Eren was desperate for someone to understand. He didn't have his Jaegerists or followers anymore, neither did he even think of gaining a faction—all he seemed to want was you.

"Not just that," Eren said. "You know why."

"I don't know."

"You're hopeless," he said.

Your fingers absentmindedly played with his hair. "If you gave me hope, maybe I wouldn't be like this."

Eren frowned. "What do you mean, I don't give you hope?"

You poked his dimples to make them deeper. You were getting immune to burdensome topics.

"'Ren," you said softly. "I can tell you want to push through with the Rumbling. I think you shouldn't do it."

Eren went silent.

"Is that why you hold back from me?" he asked.

In another life, this would have been a tough conversation. But you were young in this one, and your friends were alive and laughing and playing a few meters away, and everything seemed like a memory washed in dream fog.

"Eren, I would give you the whole world, even the stars if I could," you replied. "But this thing... it's unacceptable and it's difficult. Just because you have a plan doesn't mean it's a good one."

"I was... I was actually hoping that you'd join me," Eren said, like he was rushing to get the words out but careful enough to pretend otherwise. Your spine prickled. "You know... come with me. I'll break out of these walls and set for Marley. We'll work it out from there."

"By 'work it out,' you mean you'll get me to help you murder people."

Eren eyed you. He could never tell how you always knew what he was thinking. He gestured to your friends.

"If they could live... if you could live... it wouldn't be so bad to be free."

An old memory flashed before your eyes — Eren blushing in the sunset, "I want you all to live long lives," the train chugging down the tracks you and your friends built. That was so long ago. If everything was just a loop and it reset, did that even happen at all?

"And..." Eren continued, his voice wavering, "When I saw that vision of you dying, I wanted to die too. If you ever leave me..."

"There has to be another way, 'Ren," you whispered. "We've got so much time."

Regret laced his gaze. You hadn't convinced him yet. You weren't sure what he was going to do next. Eren had always been unpredictable.

Suddenly he stood and pulled your hand. "Hey, cheer up. Let's swim."

Even though everybody else was half-naked in the lake and engrossed in each other's shenanigans already, you still felt self-conscious as you took off your blouse, leaving you in a tank top.

"Don't look," you said timidly as you unbuttoned your shirt. Eren obediently turned the other way as he took off his shirt, but when you took his hand and began leading him to the water, you could feel his gaze over your skin. You wondered just what kind of adolescent thoughts were racing through his mind.

You stayed a few meters away from the main group, so you and Eren could whisper without getting interrupted. He pushed your head under as a joke and you retaliated by grabbing his middle to tip him over.

Wet hair stuck to his face, bangs brushing against his eyes. You wrapped your arms around his neck and clung, enjoying the way it felt like he was carrying you. Without meaning to, your breasts pressed firm against his bare chest, the only thing separating your skin being your thin tank top.

A red hue spread across Eren's cheeks immediately. "Stop that."

You laughed and reluctantly let go. You liked his blush and it was hard to make him turn red nowadays. His smile seemed genuine enough and his laughter wasn't forced. But it felt wrong.

For a moment you stood tip-toe in the lake, back against Eren's chest, observing your friends. He sidled up to you, and maybe it was because you were so close that he nuzzled his nose against your shoulder.

Your face grew hot. "Eren..."

Suddenly, he kissed you behind the ear. You shuddered, but didn't move. He kissed you again, holding you so that only your bare shoulders were above the lake's surface.

Catching himself, Eren said, "Did I scare you earlier?"

"You worry me."

"Why?"

You shook your head. "You're capable of so many things. And I don't want you to be hurt. You're so willing to be hurt so that other people won't feel the pain. I don't like it."

Eren lightly kissed you on the lips. You tried to push him away, saying that your friends were right there, but he insisted, "Just one more."

"Eren, you didn't even ask me..." you flushed, water splashing as you wriggled away. "You didn't even ask me to be your girlfriend."

Eren let go of you.

His expression was hard to read. That scared you. Eren was never hard to read as a teen, but now he was.

He dipped down a bit, so only his head was above water. He said, "You're wondering why I didn't ask."

"It's not very polite."

"You stick around me even though you know I'm capable of bad things. You don't hate me or treat me like a monster for being a Titan. You had the same vision as me. I thought... I don't know... I thought that meant we had something."

You almost said, "We do," but you weren't really sure.

Eren observed your hesitancy, the discomfort in your face, the way it seemed as though you were hiding something from him. The lines of your face drew everything you wanted to say, but couldn't.

"[Name]... I'm yours."

Your brain short-circuited. A multitude of memories raced through your mind and suddenly you weren't sure which one came from which life. Eren was your friend. You used to have a crush on him. He was something like your lover now. It terrified you to feel something so fragile, so real because it could get ripped away at any moment.

"But you're holding back from me and I don't know why," Eren said softly, pulling your face close. "To be honest, it hurts me. I've always wanted your everything and I don't want you to think that I can't be trusted."

You blinked languidly. You knew you shouldn't be dating Eren anyway. This wasn't your original Eren. But if this wasn't your Eren, then what did that make you? Maybe you could afford to love this one. But what if it was him?

Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Your heart began to beat like you'd just swam laps. It was incomprehensible if it was fear or something else.

Suddenly Eren splashed water on your face. You yelped and tilted your head away before he pulled you back.

"Listen, no matter what happens, I'll always be yours. As a friend. Or more than friends. Doesn't matter. If I get to keep you, that's all I want."

You finally smiled. Something you could relate to.

"Me too," you replied. You kissed the corner of his mouth, liking the way he tried to kiss you back and pouted when you didn't kiss his lips. "I'm not going anywhere unless it's with you."

From a distance, your classmates sent glances and suggestive winks, half-expecting you and Eren to start making out in front of everyone. You huffed at them and turned back to Eren, who was watching you with a smile on his face.

"You're so cute," he said, pulling you in for a real kiss. You heard your classmates cat-calling again, but your brain was too busy melting in its body as your lips responded to his.

As the 104th made their way back to the barracks, you relished in Eren on your skin, on your hands, in your mouth. Part of you found pleasure in luxurious indifference for the grave future, but when you tried to imagine a future with Eren in it, your mind went blank.

You tried to deny yourself, but it was futile to stop him. You could never learn from your mistakes no matter how hard you tried to convince yourself that you were doing better.

Now that he knew your feelings for him were real, Eren was absolutely sure that he had to shoulder the burden of the Rumbling.

The exact opposite of what you wanted.

The consequence of your choice.

Eren's hair grew longer. He was easily agitated and often vented his frustrations by pulling you into empty storage rooms and roughly pressing his lips against yours until you were writhing underneath his touch.

Like the way you were as kids, Eren delighted in watching you struggle from his antics. He thought the way you whined and frowned to humor him even though you knew he wasn't going to hurt you was cute.

He was never going to let you go.

"This is only the beginning," he whispered, strands of hair brushing against your cheeks as he kissed you goodnight, possibly for the longest time. "I'll come back for you. Just wait for me."

"Please don't," you whispered back.

Dawn rose. Rain began to fall, like the sky knew to cry. You turned in bed, choosing to think that he was not really going to do the Rumbling at such a young age, and that you still had the time to drink from the fountain of youth, be ignorant, and that you could turn it around later. Selfish desire blinded you from your path.

When you woke up, Eren was gone.

You couldn't believe it. He really had gone to Marley.

People questioned you regarding his whereabouts, but you played the role of the tearful lover who didn't know what was going on, which really wasn't that hard to do.

"Did he ever exhibit any signs of wanting to run away?" Armin asked. His brow was sweating. Eren was not the type to disappear without telling him first.

"Eren was battling something in his head," you said quietly. "He's been feeling that way since graduation year started—I think that caused him to leave."

"You should have stopped him!" Mikasa said furiously. "You're his girlfriend—you're the only person he ever talks to anymore—you should have done something!"

Armin and Mikasa blurred in your vision as you blinked away tears of frustration. If only they knew. If only they'd known you'd seen this before, that Eren had left you before, that you'd regretted so much. If they knew, what would they say? Would they tell you to be stronger or find you to be only human?

"I shouldn't have let him fall in love with me. It was just a stupid kiss..." You nursed your thoughts, rambling like an insane person. "I've been lonely for so long that I jumped at the chance of someone loving me at all."

Armin's eyes shone with concern. "[Name], are you alright? You're scaring us."

You swallowed. "Nothing is working. No one can stop Eren. He's going to destroy everything again. And he's so young..."

"[Name], you're in shock," Mikasa said firmly. "We're taking you to the infirmary."

"I'm not crazy!" Your voice rose, and you knew how you must have looked like to them. You couldn't even tell if you were sane, either. "It's just that I tried. Thirteen times. It might never work."

Mikasa's facade crumbled. "You did?" she asked, meek as the child she used to be.

You knew they didn't know the full truth of your words, but you continued anyway. "Mikasa, I'm sorry. I know — we want him to stay, to stop putting himself in danger, but — I can't fix him."

"Eren might never be fixed, but he loves you," she stated, Armin reddening behind her. "Always has."

"He only loved me because I happened to be there all the time."

Mikasa shook her head. "No," she said. "Eren loves you... that's how I know that he'll come back."

Dusk fell. The rain stopped, petrichor wafting into your lungs, heavy as smoke and dense as fog. A silhouette strode closer as you stood at the porch, waiting for him to arrive.

Eren looked exhausted. It had been a long six months without him. He'd been pronounced dead, brushed off as another cadet casualty, but you knew where he'd really been. His hair was definitely long now, unsightly on his teenage self's body.

He stopped when he saw you.

He had been wondering how you'd react. He assumed you'd be crying tears of joy, or fuming mad, or hitting him and calling him a suicidal bastard.

Instead it was even worse — you looked empty and expectant, like you'd always known it would come to this.

Eren never knew how you always seemed to know everything.

Still, you embraced each other tightly, tears running down your faces, glad to be in the embrace of a lover at last. Life had been so solitary for both of you, and you were both so young to drown in such grief, that all you were grateful for was that he was back.

There was codependency in your relationship. You were the only people who understood how it felt to be slowly going insane.

Hushed kisses were exchanged, whispers of sweet nothings said in the dead of the night as you snuck off to the farthest storage room from the barracks so Eren could fill you in on everything that had happened.

"I took it, you know," he said, shifting your body so you were sitting on his lap. "The War Hammer Titan. Took me a long time to figure it out."

You were silent as you leaned into his chest, relishing in the beat of his heart. When Eren was an adult, he'd gotten over his Marley heist much quicker; now it had taken him half a year. Too young. Too soon. Too late.

"What'd you do to get it?"

"I infiltrated their military," he said. "They're called Warriors. And I learned some other things, too..."

You tensed up. "Like what?"

Eren took a deep breath. "You won't believe it," he said. "I have family in Marley. A grandma and grandpa, and there's someone named Zeke who sort of looks like my dad. I think he's my brother."

Your eyes widened. "You met them?"

"No," he said. "Just know them. I took a different last name. Krueger."

"And then you betrayed the Marley Eldians," you said with astonishment.

Eren shrugged. "The Warriors were off on missions. Some went to war. Some came here. It was the perfect time to steal the War Hammer."

"How'd you do it?"

You already knew the answer, but you still winced when he said it.

"Ate a family. No big deal."

"Eren, that's... kind of horrifying."

"It had to be done. You understand, right?"

Before you could say something, Eren took something out of his pocket. It was a tissue full of dried blood.

"Couldn't use Krista's blood, it was gone after some time," he said. "But Zeke—when Commander Magath made me do clean-up as cadet training, I had to clean Zeke's Titan mess and accidentally touched some blood. The things I saw... that scenery."

Your insides churned.

"It won't be long before they come," Eren said with wide eyes. He looked absolutely unhinged. "We don't have much time. [Name]... come with me, please?"

You were thoroughly freaked out. Eren was insane. As an adult, he'd only been gloomy, but as young as now, he was relieved that you were sharing the burden of his wrongdoings. You found yourself inching away, just a little bit.

"Where?"

Eren laced his fingers with yours.

"I'll show you."

He touched the blood and brought you to the realm of stars, where you were completely powerless against the Paths. There you see the little girl, Founder Ymir, with whom Eren had already spoken to and was only waiting for you, his lover, to show her the true love she'd lacked.

"Eren, no!" you shouted, but he couldn't hear you.

The world crumbled. The Walls fell, and the Colossal Titans within began to march.

"Don't do this," you begged, yanking on his sleeve. Eren turned to you, and to your horror, he smiled, like you'd yanked him the way you played when you were children.

"Shhh... I love you." Eren cooed as he brushed the hair from your face, like you only needed to be pacified. "It's for you."

He wrapped his arms around you as you watched everything go up in flames, people crushed under rubble and hot skin. You wriggled in his grasp as if you could get out of the Paths; but Eren held you firm.

"Calm down," he said. "No one we love will get hurt. Armin and Mikasa are far from the wreckage."

Reset. Reset. Reset.

Choke.

It took difficulty, but you willed yourself to stop breathing. This was not the death you would have chosen, as slow deaths weren't exactly the most fun, but you knew there was no hope for Eren here.

'I saw you... choking to death.'

"[Name]," Eren said with a shaky voice, when your lips began to change color. "What are you doing?"

"'Ren," you said with red eyes. "Good-bye."

You collapsed in his arms. You could hear him shouting maniacally, desperate to revive you, and suddenly you felt his mouth on yours, trying to give you oxygen like he said he would on that day in the mountain, but you gathered what little strength you had to push him away.

Weaponless, your own hand enclosed around your throat, and you began to strangle yourself until you couldn't breathe anymore.

You forced yourself to die, to leave this life.

You felt sorry you couldn't explain your suicide. Eren was probably confused, and horrified, and scared that the only person who seemed to understand and love him was killing herself right after he did the worst thing he could possibly do.

It didn't matter. The loop would reset and he'd forget everything, and everything would be nothing, like it never even existed.

His cries echoed in your ears, like pennies falling into a deep, empty well.

"[Name], why?" he sobbed. "Don't leave me!"

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. You'd swear not to slip up next time, to not be so selfish and cruel.

Death welcomed you in his embrace once again. Your vision went black as you held Eren away until there was no hope for you to stay alive.

Reset.

-

You woke up gasping so hard for air, that your mother jumped as she dropped the laundry basket in your room.

"[Name]!" she yelled. "God, you scared me!"

"Mama," you said, starting to cry. You caught your reflection in the mirror. You were a child again.

Your mother eventually calmed down and hugged you, assuming you had a bad dream. Then she frowned. "You look like you need air. Go outside after breakfast."

You walked as though you were in a dream, where everything made sense and nothing had to be explained. You could probably start levitating and you wouldn't even question it.

Childhood had an odd way of making the world brighter than it really was. When you stepped outside, the colors of the sky and the sun greeted you.

Then suddenly you saw the green eyes and his curious expression, and suddenly you couldn't breathe, like cement had been poured into your lungs.

Young Eren Jaeger stared at you from the fence and pointed at you.

"You have dirt on your face."

You bolted inside and shut the door.