THREE

Eren and Historia make contact early.

One of the worst things about living in a time loop was having to go through your teenage years again.

It was bad enough living with the mental trauma of seeing your parents die multiple times, being aware of everybody's fate, and not knowing if you were going to succeed without telling anybody. The fact that you had to go back to awkward growing stages and hormonal impulses while having to train your body into becoming fit again was the cherry on top.

And yet, you still found yourself falling in love with the simplicity of childhood. It was a shame that your new plan was going to end innocence.

Snow crunched as the 104th cadets neared the summit of the mountain. Indifference painted your features when a harsh drift of wind blew past, causing a chill to run down the group. People side-stepped towards their nearest classmate, embarrassed of sharing body warmth, of needing help.

"Almost there," Eren said as the cadets trudged through the snow, to the cabin that provided warmth from the cold mountain you'd been hiking on. "[Name], you look sick."

"It's been a long journey," you answered.

He frowned with concern. "It's too late to turn back now."

It was your third life, your third time hiking it, and it was your third time having this conversation.

Your main concern was the rear group. You'd snuck bottles of alcohol onto the supply wagons, passing it off as the commander's supply. It added extra weight to their load. You tried to glance back at them, but the dim sky rendered you blind. You stumbled.

"[Name], it's just a little farther up," Eren said, pulling your elbow to steady you. "Just keep looking ahead and we'll be fine."

"Sorry," you said. "I was... cold."

Eren looped his arm around yours so that your sides pressed together, like a hug. The heat underneath his coat sent a chill down your spine, and despite the barren flakes attacking your face, you heated.

"Is this better?" Eren asked. His cheeks were flushed, most likely from the cold. You were suddenly aware of how dry his mouth looked. You forced yourself to look at his collar, at his neck, because you realized you were staring at his lips.

"It's better."

When you arrived at the cabin, the cadets collapsed. Eren rested his head on your shoulder as he caught his breath. You'd learned to become softer and lenient when it came to young Eren. You didn't awkwardly freeze when he'd lean to you, unlike in your first life.

"Just friends," Sasha mouthed as she passed you a thermos full of hot cocoa. You gave her the stink eye and she grinned.

You feigned fear when Historia (aka Krista), Ymir, and Daz were missing. When Eren announced that he was going to go after Krista and rescue her, you sighed, which made him turn to you, disgruntled.

"I'm not mocking you," you said. You smiled. "I just think that it's so sweet that you want to go after Krista, Eren."

"Huh? Not cool, [Name], don't treat this like it's a joke when they could all be dying somewhere out there!"

"Don't get so defensive," you said, ignoring Armin and Mikasa's puzzled glances. "I understand, Eren—Krista has always been nice to you."

Eren narrowed his eyes. "You're acting weird, [Name], are you sure you're not lightheaded? Because if you need oxygen then I can perform—"

"No!" You grabbed his shoulder tightly, causing him to wince. "I can breathe, idiot, I just wish you weren't so clueless."

"Clueless?"

"Enough, both of you," said Mikasa, putting an arm between you and Eren. "No one's going anywhere. We will stay here."

"And if they're dead?" Eren asked hotly.

Jean grimaced. "That's out of our control, shithead, do you really want us to follow you into a slow death in the cold?"

Suddenly the door flew open, inviting a fierce gust. It was Krista. Her nose was bloody and her face was red, clear signs of frostbite.

"Ymir's coming with Daz," she said before collapsing. As people huddled around her, offering their concern, you watched Eren's relieved expression like a hawk.

You didn't know how close Eren and Historia were as cadets, but you knew they grew into confidants when they got older. There was also the fact that she was often the subject of many 104th boys' romantic fantasies—Reiner was a good example. You wondered if she had ever been that for Eren. It couldn't hurt to try.

"She looks like she needs air," you commented. You gave Eren a shove. "You should give her oxygen."

He glared at you. "Ouch. She looks fine."

"Air is thin in the cold mountains, 'Ren," you said impatiently. "She just fainted."

Mikasa called for your assistance. Krista's handkerchief had fallen from her grip, dried with her blood after being out cold for so long.

"See? All she had was a nosebleed," Eren said dismissively. "Go, [Name]. Rest."

You rolled your eyes and stalked off, taking Krista's handkerchief from Mikasa's outstretched arm and stuffing it into your pocket, not caring if it was dirty with her dry blood.

A kiss. That was all Eren needed from Historia to know the future. You wanted him to be aware before entering the Survey Corps. A new plan was scheduled for tonight, one that involved Eren making contact with Historia earlier.

The cadets settled in for the night. You poked a metal rod at the hearth, tending to the fire in the common room until Mikasa entered with hot tea. She sat on the floor beside you. Her face twisted with conflict like she was remembering your argument with Eren earlier.

"Eren's too reckless," she finally said. "He's going to put himself in real danger."

"That's what makes him a good person," you replied gently. "The tighter we hold onto him, the harder he'll break free."

You didn't tell Mikasa what Eren was going to do. She wouldn't believe you. Hell, even now, being around teenage him, you found it hard to believe that he was capable of genocide.

"Hey, you're awake!"

You and Mikasa turned to see Eren and Armin making their way to you from the boys' barracks.

"I thought I told you to rest," Eren said to you. "And find someplace warm."

"Gee, you think I'd be freezing in front of a fireplace, Eren."

"Not my fault you were acting looney earlier," he pointed out as he sat down, Armin following. "Seriously, [Name], I don't get why you were really pushy when I mentioned Krista."

Mikasa and Armin exchanged a look.

"You shouldn't worry so much, Jaeger." A drawl from the boys' barracks. You turned to see Jean exit. "[Name]'s a darling for doing charity work, ain't she? None of us are as resilient as her."

You raised an eyebrow. "That's an exaggeration."

"I'm serious. It's like you've trained plenty of times before. What's the secret?"

"I just keep trying."

Again, and again, and again.

A crash from the kitchen area made everyone jump. You ended up leaning back into Jean's legs as he was behind you. Your elbow landed on his lap for support as your head swiveled to the source of the sound. Eren glanced at your arm for a brief second before looking back at the door.

Krista poked her head out from the girls' barracks. "What's going on?"

"Intruder?" you suggested, though you knew otherwise.

"I'll get it," Eren and Jean said in unison.

They shot each other dirty looks before scrambling to the kitchen to one-up the other. They paused to survey the sound, then started at another round of crashing. Laughter arose when it was Sasha and Connie sneaking for food.

Caught, they sheepishly agreed to sharing their glories. You beckoned Krista over, and Ymir, who had woken up and complained about the commotion.

Everyone sat in a circle on the floor. Connie and Sasha entered the common room smirking as they held up rations and a bucket of cold beer. Which you had snuck in.

"Don't tell me you stole that," Armin said, looking worried. "Commander Shadis won't be happy."

"Relax, we deserve it," said Sasha, rubbing her stomach like she hadn't eaten in days. "The hike was so dreadful that it's basically abuse if we don't eat more."

"But that's the point of the training!" Eren piped up to disregard. "Right, [Name]?"

You pretended not to hear as Sasha popped open a bottle for you. You took a sip and sighed, "Alcohol tastes better when you're with friends."

Everyone looked surprised. "You drink?" Jean asked, wide-eyed.

"You never told me that," said Eren. He looked hurt at the idea of you keeping secrets. "And who were you drinking with?"

"I was with—" Your eyes met Sasha, asking for help. "—Sasha."

"We did?" she queried. She caught on a second later. "Oh! I mean—yeah! We did!"

You thanked the stars that Sasha didn't ask.

"Damn it, you guys are out having fun without the rest of us," grumbled Connie. Glasses clinked they slid across. "Pour for everyone."

Your hands touched Eren's as you handed him a glass, and you made eye contact. You knew he was a heavyweight and he didn't get drunk easily. It was also unlikely that he wanted to drink anyway. That didn't mean you couldn't pressure him into doing your bidding. If all went well, you wouldn't need to make him drink at all—alcohol was a shitty and desperate move.

You quickly looked away out of fear that he'd see through you, and it came across as embarrassment. Eren frowned at your odd demeanor before leaning back.

"Alright," Sasha said. "What are we toasting tonight?"

Krista raised her glass. "I'll go first. To our training, and more to come. To friendship, the 104th, and peace in the Walls."

"Pretty sure you're only supposed to toast one thing," Mikasa said.

"To Krista returning safely today," Ymir declared loudly, glaring at Mikasa. "And to letting her toast to as many things as she wants."

"That's a good one!" Connie said jovially. "To not dying today."

"To [Name], our pretty bartender," said Jean, winking at you. You waved him off and ignored the glare Eren was giving him.

Armin glanced between you and Eren, then hesitantly raised his glass. "To Eren, on not being a coward."

"Ditto," Mikasa said.

"What?" Eren exclaimed. "What do you mean I'm a—"

He was cut off. Jean rolled his eyes but Sasha giggled, spilling alcohol on herself. You lifted the glass to your lips and pretended to sip.

When you were sure that most were a little tipsy, you said, "We should play a game. How about spin the bottle?"

Eren choked. He was not alone. Everyone in the circle reacted differently, but you remained calm, like you'd asked about the weather.

"What's wrong?" you asked.

"[Name]," Armin said, deeply blushing, "you don't mean — the game that involves — kissing — right?"

"I do," you said. "Why not?"

"If you wanted a kiss from me so bad, [Name]," Jean jumped in, not passing an opportunity to provoke Eren, "you could have just asked."

"Leave her alone," Eren said angrily, putting you behind his arm to shield you. "She doesn't want to kiss a mule."

"Why don't we ask [Name]?" Jean jeered. "She's the one who suggested the game, so she wants to be kissed, doesn't she?"

"Well, I don't want to see it," Eren said, the tips of his ears burning. "I don't want to waste my night watching. It's gross."

"It's just a game of chance, 'Ren" said Connie, smirking as he used your nickname for him. "Who knows? Maybe the bottle will land on someone you want to kiss."

"I'm not playing," Eren said stubbornly.

"Neither am I or Krista," added Ymir.

You slumped with disappointment. The earlier Eren made contact with Krista, without the pain of living through the Survey Corps, the better. That way you would find a solution with all the time you had to prepare, and he'd have to listen to you given his inexperience.

"Fine, what other stupid game can we play?"

"There's always Truth or Dare," Connie offered. Everyone agreed, albeit with reluctance.

"This is so dumb," Eren muttered.

Connie nudged Jean into going first. He wasn't please, but said, "Truth."

Eren was quick to sneer at him. "I thought you were a horse, but now you seem like a chicken."

Before Jean could retaliate, Sasha said, "Jean, if you could go on a date with someone in the 104th, who would it be?"

Jean scrunched his nose as though deep in thought. He glanced at you with a wicked smile and you knew that he was just trying to bait Eren again for the chicken comment. You glanced at your green-eyed friend and saw that he was, in fact, steaming.

Jean waited a few seconds, enjoying Eren's simmering anger, and then bluntly said, "Mikasa, I guess. She's cool."

You quietly laughed as Sasha and Connie began poking at their friend for fun. In your first life, you were at Jean and Mikasa's wedding, even being godmother to their firstborn. That was eons ago, and to this day it still thrilled you to watch them slowly fall over the years.

"Interesting, that means Mikasa—you're up next," said Sasha. "Truth or dare?"

"I'm not playing," she protested.

"You're no fun."

"Fine," Mikasa said. "Truth."

"Who would you go out on a date with in the 104th?"

For the tiniest, briefest millisecond, Mikasa's grey eyes darted at Eren beside her, but she covered it up skillfully. Something like a knife pushed through your chest, something you'd never really felt before until now.

Jealousy.

You'd spent so much time knowing that Jean and Mikasa were meant to be, that you'd forgotten what the path could diverge into if some things did or did not happen. Maybe there was a timeline where Mikasa had fallen in love with Marco, or Annie with Jean. The thought was absurd but anything was possible.

"I'd go out with Armin," Mikasa said plainly.

It was obvious that she only said his name because he was the safest option.

"Truth," Armin said quickly. "I don't feel like doing a dare at the moment."

"Of course you'd say that." Ymir rolled her eyes. "Armin, who would you punch in the face in this room?"

"Eren."

"That's how you know you're real chummy with each other," Ymir said. "Boring. Next!"

A tension shifted in the room as you looked at him.

"'Ren," you said brightly. "Truth or dare?"

Jean brought his fists to his shoulders and made a flapping gesture at Erem, quietly hissing, "Chicken."

Eren threw him a dirty look and forcefully said, "Dare."

Finally.

"Eren," you said smugly. "I dare you to kiss the prettiest girl in this room."

Triumph. At last. You had been getting impatient. Eren would kiss Historia, the prettiest girl in the room, and you'd get the ball rolling. Eren would know everything young, free from the grief of being older. One kiss. He did tell you before that the moment he kissed Historia's hand was the moment he learned everything.

Wolf whistles. Armin quieted the group's teasing, afraid that it would wake up the commander, but even he looked mildly interested, holding his breath with anticipation as he glanced between you and Eren. You knew what they must be thinking. It must have looked like you wanted to find out who Eren liked. You shuddered. The thought was unsettling; Eren was your best friend.

"God," Eren muttered, uncharacteristically nervous, "[Name], are you obsessed with kissing or something?"

He tried to cover up his emotions, but you could see redness creeping up his neck, warm against the firelight. You didn't say anything. You raised your eyebrows, just a little bit, friendly teasing. Eren huffed at you.

"Fine. Whatever."

A jig played in your head.

You pointedly looked at Krista, who looked taken aback by your gaze, as you waited for Eren to get up and kiss her dazzling face or dainty knuckles or whatever, you didn't really care. You were breathless, and oxygen ran out as you realized that you'd waited for a second too long and Eren was not leaning over to Historia.

Instead, you felt a hand cup your cheek.

Your head was redirected from Krista, so you were facing Eren's green eyes, twinkling in the firelight. His fingertips held your chin, so you couldn't look away.

For a moment, you both stared at each other, forgetting that your friends were there. And then Eren jerked his head toward yours to kiss you on the lips.

His eyes were closed, yours wide open. And then yours closed too, and for a second, just for a second, you kissed him back. Then you broke away and ducked your head. What the fuck?

Whoops erupted from your friends, but they sounded muffled, like you were underwater. All that invaded your senses was Eren, who reddened as he sat back, like he couldn't believe what he'd just done. Eren kissed you. In front of everyone. To him, you were the prettiest girl in the room. Unconsciously, your fingers touched your lips, tracing where Eren's mouth had been.

And you'd kissed back.

"I knew it!" Sasha said triumphantly, before handing a palm out to Connie. He grumbled and reluctantly gave her his share of food.

"I... I..." You gaped at Eren, who met your eyes despite his embarrassment. "You think... me?"

"'Course I do," he said, defensive. "Who else?"

"I thought it would be Historia," you said.

Everyone looked confused. "Who's Historia?"

You broke out of your stupor and froze. Your eyes immediately flew to Historia/Krista, who was staring at you with newfound fear.

"S-sorry..." You trailed off. "I was just... distracted."

The others relaxed and exchanged knowing smirks. "After that? I'm sure you were."

Ymir was not so blind. Between the terror that besieged you and Krista earlier, she was quick to jump in. Her brown eyes narrowed.

"[Name]," she said. "Truth or dare?"

"T-Truth."

"Okay. Who are you?"

"What?"

"The way you act isn't normal, [Name]. You know things you shouldn't. You should be careful. Some people might find you suspicious."

Ymir was accusing you of being an outsider. You almost laughed out loud. You never knew much about her, but you knew she was the Jaw Titan in that moment.

"Don't be stupid," Eren said. "[Name]'s been my neighbor since we were babies."

Ymir didn't look convinced. "Lover Boy, don't you think it's weird how [Name] knows everything? She can predict the weather, she knows all the best horse routes without ever having ridden there before, and she can even correctly guess the next thing people say in conversation. What if she's... abnormal?"

"Back off," snarled Eren. "You don't know her like I do."

"Eren, it's fine," you said quickly, not wanting him to provoke Ymir even more. "It is weird I have a knack for that."

Ymir's lip curled. "Isn't that cute? The little lovers protecting each other."

The game ended on tense terms. You shot Krista a worried glance and she barely looked at you as she left, a silent agreement that you would never bring up her real name ever again. You'd make up a lie about how Lord Reiss had paid you to keep an eye on Historia. That was the only option now. It would probably mess up the timeline.

Frustrated, you stepped outside. The blizzard had long gone, replaced by soft frost flakes falling from the dark heavens above. You envied snow for managing to stay the same, repeating the same water cycle with ease, while all you ever did was mess things up. The door swung behind you and you jumped when you saw Eren stepping outside.

Gone was the firelight. He was shrouded in darkness this time, lit only by the moon. His hair was sticking up in the back, and on that basis alone you thought that his boyish look was charming, even if it was the kind of look that would make his mother frown and tell him to comb his hair.

For a moment, you only looked at each other, unsure what to say.

Then he admitted, "You're my first kiss."

In all your lives, it was the first time you ever felt someone's lips against yours. Truthfully, you'd wondered what it would feel like, but you never knew until now. Hearing him say it out loud made your insides rattle with a strange satisfaction.

"Me too," you said. "I've never been kissed before."

Eren stared at his boots. "I'm kind of hoping you're going to be my last, too."

You laughed. "Last what?"

"Kiss. I don't want to kiss anyone other than you."

The ground was blanketed in thick white snow, like sheep's wool. It was beautiful and hushed, and your heart nearly hurt with the pleasure of it. You realized it was because when you were alone with Eren, all the noise in your head seemed to quiet down, and suddenly it was just you and him, with no world threatening to tear apart at the next moment.

Eren was looking at you with a half-smile on his face. It gave you a nervous flutter in your chest.

"I don't get you sometimes, [Name]," Eren said, tilting his head to the side. His nose scrunched up, like a bear cub in winter. "And I hate that because I feel like I've spent my whole life watching you. Remember? When I was a kid—"

"You yanked my arm and smiled when I yelped in pain," you supplied.

"—I wanted you to be part of all the games we played outside, and you always did it reluctantly..."

"I wanted to be there," you assured him. "Every time. Those were some of the best days of my lives."

Eren gave you another quizzical look. "Lives?"

You cursed yourself.

"I meant to say life, singular," you said. "It's like, uh, we've been through so much that it's like our life story got separated into before and after. Different lives."

"Different lives," repeated Eren.

Annoyed with yourself for slipping up, you didn't say anything else. You and Eren stayed quiet for a few minutes more, lost in your thoughts. Then he piped up.

"Why did you... what made you think I liked Krista?"

You shrugged, like it didn't matter. "Dunno. Everybody likes her, so I figured I should be your wingwoman and help you out. You're my best friend, after all."

The smile on his face lowered. You wanted to slap yourself at that very moment. But he couldn't be serious... there was no way Eren would ever reciprocate the way you felt about him in your first life. Getting into a relationship would be disastrous, because then you'd always be hiding something from him, and he'd be hurt, and you were afraid that he'd never want to see you again.

Ugh. It was probably your teenage hormones speaking anyway. It was only natural that you'd feel some sort of attraction to the closest boy.

Eren took a deep breath. "[Name]... I don't like Krista that way. I like someone else."

Stupidly, you asked, "Who?"

"[Name]," Eren sighed, "you're making this hard for me."

"I just... Eren, I-I—"

It came so early.

You'd had conversations like this before.

And the pattern was always the same: you would call him your best friend, and he'd begin to make a move on you, and you'd find yourself unable to answer him.

"Somewhere far away," Eren interrupted you, "there's something called an ocean. It's like a giant saltwater lake."

"You've told me this before," you said truthfully.

Eren cracked a small smile. "And you listened."

"I don't get tired of hearing it."

"You're going to hear me say it again."

"Eughhh."

Eren laughed. Your stomach swooped. You loved the sound of his laugh so much. You loved the way the corners of his mouth lifted, the tiny dimples on the corners of his cheeks.

"[Name]," Eren said, grabbing your arms. "Just... try to live, okay? I want you to be able to swim it freely, once all the Titans are gone."

Your heart fell. "It will happen."

A snowflake fell on the tip of his nose. You stared at it before lifting a finger to tap it off.

Your hand decided to rest on Eren's neck. It was as though your brain wasn't in control, like it was forcing itself to attach to him. His body was warm, so comforting, like you could hug him and all your problems would disappear.

You stared into each other's eyes with bated breaths. There were snowflakes in his lashes.

"We're just friends," you said quietly, but it sounded weak against the midnight howl.

"Just friends," Eren repeated, looking at your lips.

"That's all," you said, but you were getting tired of lying.

"Just friends," Eren whispered, like he was taking a bite of the sweet, forbidden fruit as he slowly leaned in.

Fuck it.

Your eyes fluttered shut, and your legs turned to jelly as your hands rested on the sides of his neck, tilting him to your head.

Greed was a sin you reveled in. Eren held your face with both hands, and pulled you close as you began to kiss. Your thumbs brushed the hair behind his ears as his tongue inched out just enough to lick your lips, making you shiver.

You loved the simplicity, the candor. It was in everything good about youth—untouched, honest, human—and in the way his tongue was entering your mouth and feeling everything within without inhibition confirmed that he felt strongly about you, desperate enough to risk holding you close.

A cold wind blew, pushing you into Eren's chest as you detached lips. He steadied you, and the spell broke. You looked at him with wide eyes as he led you back inside, before another blizzard took over.

"Your handkerchief fell," he said loudly over the wind.

Krista's bloody wipe was buried in the snow. Eren bent down to pick it up.

Another gust of wind blew so hard that for a moment, all you could see was snow. When it passed, and you called out Eren's name, you saw him standing frozen in place, snow all over his coat, eyes transfixed on Krista's bloody handkerchief with a horrified expression.

"Oh, God," you murmured, suddenly regretful.

You should have known.

You thought Eren had to kiss someone with royal blood.

You never knew that him literally touching the actual blood worked as well.

"Eren."

His eyes slowly lifted towards yours, and you only saw the Eren you once knew staring back at you. Eren looked at you as though your image was a lifeline.

"What the hell..." he said with a shaky voice, "...did I just see?"