THIRTEEN

I love you, I love you, I love you. (13x)

Morning sunlight broke through the patina panes of your curtain-lined windows, and when you sat up and stretched, finding yourself to be a child again, you could easily pretend that everything had merely been a bad dream. For all you knew, it was.

"[Name]?" you heard your mother call. "Are you up already? Your father has already gone out for work."

"Yes, Mama," you replied dutifully, and it comforted you to be able to say those words and talk to your mother again. "I'll water the plants."

It was natural, how easily you remembered your morning routine from being a child in Shiganshina. You smoothened the worn-out dress you so often had to sew tears in, and rubbed your cheek when an itch arose, unknowingly spreading the rusty watering tin's dust on yourself.

You opened the door to step into your garden. The flower garden you took care of as a child was astonishingly beautiful, and you never knew why you hadn't appreciated its blooms before until now.

But deep inside, you knew why.

This was the last time.

You swallowed your dread and filled the watering tin before heading to your flowers by the wooden fence. Surely enough, you heard shuffling from the other side, and a little boy with brunette hair and the most beautiful green eyes you had ever seen in all your lives peeked out to take a good look at you.

The boy used to puzzle you. You noticed the little kid with the apathetic look and the red scarf he wrapped around his neck almost every day. You had waved hello out of politeness a few times, but he only ever stared at you. You noticed him, you always did.

You hummed to yourself as you watered one of your mother's plants. It was the same flower that Eren had given to you in the alternate universe in the previous loop. In past lives, this flower always died, and you had always mooned over it every time you came back to this day. This time the flower was not dying. It was blooming and alive like you had been taking care of it all this time.

After some scuffling, the boy's face properly appeared above the fence separating your houses. He blinked at you several times, then pointed his finger at your cheekbone.

"You have dirt on your face."

Six words, you have now heard thirteen times.

You raised your brows. "Excuse me?"

"Eren!" his mother called. The kitchen door swung open and Carla marched out with a stern front. "Hard-headed child, what did I say about bothering our neighbors?"

"But Mom," he complained, gesturing to you. "She was just watering plants, you see? I'm not even talking!"

She pinched his ear, ignoring his complaints and smiling at you apologetically. His older teen self looked so much just like her it sent a cold shock down your spine to look at a grown woman and see his face staring back at you. Carla was beautiful; you loved her like she was your mother-in-law, and you knew that she would have wanted you as her daughter by marrying Eren.

"I'm so sorry about him," she said. "He's not good at interacting with other people."

You smiled. Even as early as now, Eren had quite an uncontrollable temper.

"He's fine," you said. "I don't mind at all."

"Oh! I'm sure Eren won't mind either," said Carla. "But mind you, he's not very popular with the other children."

"Mom," Eren whined, embarrassed, and she glared at him. He shut up immediately, sulking. He slumped over the fence with his arms hanging while his mother went back inside, humiliated that you had seen him scolded out in the open. "I'm not a baby!"

You said the same lines you did before, repeating them easily:

"Hi, Eren." You reached out at hand for him to shake. "My name is—"

He took your hand and yanked it. Even though you knew this was going to happen, you still yelped in pain and retracted your arm.

It had occurred to you to ask why Eren did that, and you did, once, with his response being an embarrassed shrug and saying that he was a weird child, but when you looked into it deeper, you saw why. Eren had always been willing to hurt you, just to see how you would react. He did not mean it in a mean and cruel way. He was simply an attention-seeking brat, constantly wanting you to look his way.

Even if it meant pulling your arm. Even if it meant bringing you back from the dead.

You rubbed your arm. Eren's expression went from blank to intrigued.

You picked up the watering tin and returned to tending to the garden, ignoring the little kid's eyes watching you. It was not your first nor last conversation, but it was your last time having your first conversation.

It was exhausting to constantly regress into a child and grow up into an adult. It hurt enough to grow up once, to do so thirteen times was a punishment in hell. You didn't want to think about saving the world anymore. You were tired, it was time to let go of your feeble dreams and start being realistic. Perhaps the only good thing to ever truly come out of life was to live a quiet one.

You had to let go of Eren, even if letting go meant seeing the claw marks you left.

Everything went just as it did originally.

You adored Eren and your childhood; his child self, his most innocent self—even if that immaculate boy had wielded a knife as a weapon and killed grown men. He dragged you around, insisted that Armin and Mikasa wanted to see you, shouted over the fence so you would come out and play in the street, and did everything he could to hold your attention. He just wanted you to look at him.

Moreover, you were glad that you were reunited with your friends. While you did care most for Eren, you dearly missed your sweet friendships with Armin and Mikasa. For once, you let your inhibitions go and lived in the moment to appreciate what you had now instead of worrying about the future. It was not right for a child to worry about adult things like war.

It was no wonder you were once quite content to live like this. It was peaceful behind the walls. Human contentment was an oracular illusion, but so was the pretense of liberation. Limited freedom.

"I hope you're not planning on running away," you said to Eren when he spoke to you about the Survey Corps enlistment being his future catalyst for adventure. "Military is for twelve years old and up."

"I'm not," he said defensively. "I just want to see more of the world. You've read that geography book Armin keeps, you know there's an adventure out there!"

"Oh yeah?" you challenged. You almost wished that Eren would never look for the answer. It was his desire for adventure that led to the Rumbling. "Like what?"

"Like... like the sea!" Eren answered cheerfully. "I want to see that ocean thing, whatever it's called. I want to see it with you."

So cute. You reached out to ruffle his hair. "Sure thing, kid."

As you expected, Eren smacked your hand away, distraught.

"Stop treating me like I'm a baby!" he shouted. "I'm just a year younger!"

You rolled your eyes. "It's hard to do that when you always act like one. Look, you're so much tinier than me." You measured your shoulder against him, and he pushed you roughly. You had almost forgotten how annoying he was as a child.

"Just you wait!" he said. "I'll be way taller than you, you'll see! When we see the ocean!"

Your childhood crumbled for the thirteenth time when Wall Maria fell. On that day, your fates were sealed. The moment the Colossal Titan reared its searing head above the wall, you and your friends in the district down below were no longer children. You would watch your mother's blood splatter on the cracked streets, and it would lead you to enter the military and subsequent life of hell.

On the boat bound for Wall Rose, Eren sobbed into your shoulder. You stroked his small head, listening to the sound of his ragged breathing.

You could measure your age by the changes you saw in Eren, Armin, and Mikasa. As they grew older, the years adding to their height and familiar memories slowly turning them into the people you knew, you felt yourself age in the same natural progression. You were no longer worried about ways to change the storyline. It was as if you had never lived twelve previous and redundant lives at all.

If you were lucky, that was how you deluded yourself. But it lived in the back of your mind. Deja vu. Experiencing the present moment as you had lived through it. Meeting Jean, Sasha, and Connie. Becoming friends with Reiner and Berthold. It was all the same—rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, live, die, live.

Suddenly, you and Eren were twelve, thirteen, fourteen years old—awkward teenagers with no parents to teach them how to interact with others. His voice slowly deepened from squeaky and annoying to low and smooth. True to his word, he hit a growth spurt and began to catch up to you in height. You no longer saw him as some infant younger than you; you were the same age.

It sucked to be in your early teens again, but it wasn't so bad. You did drills with Eren as your partner, it put a smile on your face. The food in the mess hall was slop, delicious as childhood. The blanket in your dorm bed was cold, your heart was warm knowing that you were sleeping in the same room as Mikasa and Sasha.

When you graduated from the Cadet Corps, you braced for your life to become total hell. You would never be a child again. You hadn't been a child for a long time.

After the graduation ceremony, Eren and Jean fought again, and you couldn't believe that there was once a life where you were dating the latter. You thought about this as Eren insulted him.

"Jean, you don't have to go to the Interior," he sneered. "Isn't the interior of your brain soft enough?"

When they began to throw punches, you and Mikasa moved in to break them apart. You wrapped your arms around Eren's middle and pulled him away as Mikasa pushed Jean away. The other cadets laughed ("Double dates," they heckled,) but you shook your head at the murderous expression in Eren's eyes. Even if he was angry, he didn't resist you.

"You're lucky you've got a pretty girl to drag you like that," Jean said to Eren, scowling. "I bet you're going to drag her into the Scouts just the same!"

Eren tried to surge forward, infuriated by Jean's comment, but you whispered, "Leave it. He's just a jerk."

"A jerk who needs to be taught a lesson," he replied, fuming. Nevertheless, you brought him outside and let go as Armin and Mikasa exited the pub.

Surely enough, the night before the beginning, you, Eren, Armin, and Mikasa sat on the steps of an empty street in Trost, speaking quietly. The four of you would join the Survey Corps.

The fall of Trost was only a matter of timing now. You were once terrified of having to fight the Titans for the first time, and now, you were only wary, like you were an experienced fighter, which you were. You once wept when you were told that Eren 'died', now, you only pushed your nails into your thigh out of anxiety.

Everything followed in the exact order you remembered, no longer manipulated. Eren was discovered to be an intelligent Titan. He defended you from the Garrisons when you were threatened, and sought to use his powers for good. Eren moved the boulder, he was tried in court, and you all transferred to the Survey Corps.

There were many things to love and hate about being in the Survey Corps. On one hand, you were together with your friends all the time, spending each day pretending to be ignorant about humanity beyond the walls. On the other, everyone else was dying. You had to gather your resolve, clench your fists to hold back every time you spoke to someone like Nanaba or Nifa knowing what would become of them in a few days.

You pretended to discover the world's secrets for the first time. Eren was tasked to attempt to harden his Titan skin, you said encouraging words. Eren could control Titans when he touched the Titan that ate his mother, you willingly let him carry you back to the main group. Eren had a hard time doing experiments, you pretended like you didn't know how to be a scientist. Fate was a string tied into a noose.

You were, to put it simply, reliving everything all over again.

-

The orphanage was quiet at night. Historia had brought you all here because it offered you a moment of peaceful repose, and thus, it granted everyone time to think and reflect. The only noise you ever heard was the children's laughter floating through the walls and the grassy fields.

In times like these, you noticed that Eren often sat by windows or on the porch alone with a disturbed frown. You knew why. He was insecure, thinking about all his doubts as to why he had been given the Titan and the burden of saving humanity on his shoulders.

Tonight, you were trudging with him through the hills to find a spot. You laid out, gazing at the stars, but he remained still, looking forlorn. You never used to wonder why he had asked only you to come with him and not Armin and Mikasa. There was no reason to wonder now.

You wanted to ask him and his future self, Which burden is heavier? Believing you had to save humanity to free them, or believing you had to slaughter it to be free? Which hell is worse? Tell me, so I know how to choose too.

"Eren," you called. His eyes snapped to you, wide. "Something on your mind?"

"I thought you were asleep," he said. "I was about to consider carrying you back."

"I wouldn't mind," you said slyly.

Eren's expression changed rapidly. Confusion, then surprise.

You sighed. You gently reached out to trace a line down his cheek like there were Titan marks. You often told him that you liked them because it made him look badass and not a monster. You did not say these kinds of things to him before.

"Eren... I know that most of the time, you think you're only Eren Jaeger of the Scouts and the Attack Titan and nothing else," you said. "But you're human, you're allowed to have feelings."

"Me? Feelings?" Eren asked, his voice strangely inflated. "What—what do you mean?"

"You think I haven't noticed that you've been distant lately?" you asked. "I miss you."

"I'm still here," he argued.

When your pointer finger poked his dimple, the moonlight illuminated his blush.

"You're not Eren Jaeger, holder of a Titan," you said. "You're Eren."

At that, his lower lip trembled slightly.

"It's just... I don't know why my dad gave me the Titan. And... I keep seeing these visions in my memories. I can't tell if they're real or not real."

"You're not crazy," you assured. "Try me."

"Okay. Imagine a world where you're some kind of goddess. Or we found out that Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie were Titans way before. Sounds far-fetched?"

"No. Your Titan powers probably do that."

He looked thoughtful. "Maybe my Titan comes up with alternate universes," he said. "But I guess they don't matter."

"Guess not. But it's not the Titan thinking those things. It's you."

"Me?"

"Maybe you want to live in a universe where we never met."

"Hey!" Eren's voice rose. "Where did that come from? I wouldn't ever wish for that!"

You suppressed a smirk. "Just thought about it."

"But... what about you?"

"Me?" you laughed. "What do you mean, me?"

"You're human. You're allowed to feel things, too," he said. "You worry me."

It killed you to not be able to tell him everything: the little specialties about your old boring days, a lame joke, even fond memories that did not happen in this loop. You wanted to talk about the lakes you swam in and the time you kissed when you were dating Jean. The time you kissed in the snow. But time was a circle, and it sent you back to the beginning, so perhaps none of it happened at all.

"I'll be fine," you said. "It's you who worries me. So promise me one thing..."

"Yeah?" he whispered. Your heart spun, a wheel whose only purpose was to loop in a perfect circle.

"That you'll try to live."

Eren snorted. "Try?"

"Will," you corrected. "After everything..."

Your heart stopped spinning and instead began to ache. You remembered exactly what you said. You touched his face and thought about your days together as children on the hill.

"You will live," you said. "We will live."

He hummed in thought and pulled you closer. For a moment you almost thought he was going to kiss you right there, but as fate had originally written it, he did not. It was getting cold; you both needed warmth. Eren was once only your best friend, but you knew it was not like that. You were something special, unspoken, something more than friends.

"I promise," he said. "I want you to promise me something too."

"What?"

"You and I will see the sea," Eren said. "When all of this is over, we'll be there, together."

"Of course," you said without thinking. "With Armin and Mikasa."

He scowled like he was frustrated at himself for saying something wrong. You gawked for a moment but tried to stay cool.

We'll be there together. We will be there, together. He paused before saying together.

You had once thought that Eren was just saying it as a joke or a childish promise. You had been wrong, back then. Eren had tried to confess to you on this night, and like a lovesick fool, you did not notice.

Before you could say more, he said, "When you're a trusted friend, you keep all your promises."

"Yeah," you said. "You're..."

You glanced at his lips. He was every divine thing, your other half. You were a star from the sky above you split into two, destined to orbit one another. Eren burned everything.

"Part of me."

The cicadas sang in nearby clumps of trees. Grass rustled in ripples across the dark field. There were so many stars above, like the Paths realm. You never looked up at the sky anymore after Eren died.

"That's the Hydra!" you said, recalling a past conversation about a constellation. "Look, thirteen stars..."

"It got killed," said Eren. "A hero slew it by chopping off its head a few times."

"The hero... what was his name?"

"I think Armin told me it began with an H," he said. "It was from his old storybook. Anyway, the monster was weird. Every time the hero tried to kill it, the heads would just grow back and he had to do the same thing all over again trying to win, but failing."

"Nine heads, right?"

"Yeah."

You went silent before speaking. "But he killed it. He had to give something in exchange for the power to kill it."

"The hero was pretty famous, according to the book. Armin didn't like him much because he was all about pride and brute strength. Mom didn't like it either 'cause it was too violent. But I thought he was cool."

"Why?"

"I remember it now. The hero killed his lover without meaning to and it drove him crazy with grief. To repent, he had to go on a few quests before he finally became happy. I think that's what Armin's book was all about. How many were they...?"

You racked your brain for the answer, trying to recall snippets from your childhood with Eren. "Twelve?"

"Yeah, twelve," he said. "He only won after those twelve struggles."

"That's awful," you said. "The gods abused him."

"Maybe. But it was a story you and I read. I liked it."

"There are better heroes out there," you said.

Eren shrugged. "It's just a story."

-

You were slowly giving up.

You couldn't save Eren. You couldn't do anything to change the prophecy. He was destined to go rogue and eventually pass, leaving you behind.

One day, death would separate you, and he would be somewhere you could not reach.

You tried not to think about this. Everyone had a death date, eventually. You knew when others were going to die. Back then, when you did not know anything, you lived every day not knowing when it was your last.

You distracted yourself. Eren was still alive in front of you now. He was sixteen now, which meant he had three years left to live.

He mounted his horse and waited for you. The other Survey Corps were already milling around the field, reining their horses and preparing their gear for the expedition.

"[Name], are you ready yet?" he called, waving a hand. "I'm waiting for you."

You pulled the reins on your horse and led him to Eren. While his demeanor had diluted the day he saw future memories, he still smiled at you.

"This is it," he said. "We're going to the ocean."

"If it exists," you said.

He nudged you with his elbow. "It does."

This time, you believed him.

The Survey Corps spent ample time on this expedition. There were fewer Titans outside the walls now, and whenever you came across one, Eren would have a shred of sympathy in his eyes as it was slain. You rode through the dusty deserts and followed rivers and endless horizons across grasslands. In those moments, it felt as though you were all free.

And then you smelled salt. A gentle breeze pushed through your hair.

Your heart pounded like you were seeing it for the first time, even though you had seen it so many times in past lives. Surely enough, the Scouts and their steeds stood before the azure expanse, a glittering wave of blue. You heard seagulls squawking above the lullabies of waves.

"The ocean," Armin whispered. You were glad he was alive to see it.

The Scouts dismounted and the teenagers ran into the ocean immediately. Sasha and Connie excitedly pulled Jean in. Mikasa and Armin gazed at everything in awe. You held your breath as Eren turned to you.

"It's so huge..." he said.

"I told you, Eren!" Armin said excitedly as he bent down and picked up a seashell—the same one you had dove for in a past life. His voice was laced with emotion. "It does exist!"

"You're right," said Eren. He quietly took everything in, the sun tanning his skin. "This is the world you dreamed of, Armin."

"It's beautiful..." you said, rolling your pants to your knees and feeling the cool waters kiss your calves. "Eren... thank you for bringing me here."

You smiled at him and his heart fluttered. To his surprise, it seemed as though you were about to cry like Armin.

"We're together by the sea," you whispered. "Eren, you're incredible."

"I... I didn't do anything," he said, almost unsure of himself. "It was all the Scouts."

"It's you, Eren."

He suddenly grabbed your arm, like he was about to yank you to him like he did as a child. He pointed to the horizon. He had never held your hand in this moment before. Your arm, wet from cupping seawater, was slippery in his. It slid down so that your palm fit into his warm hand.

"If we kill all our enemies, will we finally be free?"

Just like that, you felt as though you were a mirror that had been shattered. Eren in love with you was equivalent to Eren dying. But you knew the truth, you knew what was going to happen—you were cursed. You could not change the present.

-

Now you were in a pub near the military headquarters by the sea, enjoying not a miserable drunkard night but instead a rowdy evening with your friends. You were all adults now, old enough to drink. Not that you hadn't snuck beer with Sasha before.

By now, you had grown up to be the same person you originally were. You hadn't noticed it before, but the boys in the bar seemed to rhapsodize over you, pushing their chances at flirting. You had always waved them off as drunk men, but now you realized they were being serious.

You even saw your ex-boyfriend from a previous life eyeing you, and you shuddered. You stayed close to Eren at the bar where drinks were pouring. While the others like Sasha and Connie were getting tipsy and singing with the live band, he was nursing a tiny cup of gin and pretending to listen to Armin and Mikasa talk about something about the incoming trip to Marley, which would happen tomorrow.

He seemed thoroughly disgruntled about how many people seemed to vie for your attention. He stared daggers into their eyes every time they tried to look at you, especially at your ex-boyfriend like he knew he had wronged you. Sending a silent threat to end their lives if they ever thought about coming near you. And he could, if he wanted to.

You had your motives as well. The door swung open, and you saw Grisell come in and take off her coat along with her original friends from the Garrisons. When she saw you, she smiled and waved kindly.

Then she saw Eren beside you, and her cheeks flushed red even in the dim light. Your jealousy surged as she came up to both of you and said hello.

"It's been a while," she said cheerfully.

"Yeah," you said. "I haven't seen you since we were cadets."

"That's right!" She peered over your shoulder to see the handsome boy sipping gin. "Hello, Eren."

He looked up at her. He glanced at you, who had become suddenly reclusive, then back at her. "Hi. You're..."

"Grisell," she supplied. "I was your classmate, but in a different section."

"Oh," was all Eren said. "No wonder I haven't seen you until now."

"I've been assigned to Trost District," she said. "You might see me more often on top of the wall. You should visit during my lunch break!"

"Maybe."

"Maybe," you sneered under your breath.

You thought of all the times she had kissed him in front of you and wanted to gag. Maybe that wasn't her now, but it was something that she could be doing. Eren hadn't taken her seriously even then, and you doubted he'd do anything since you were in the picture, but it couldn't prevent you from acting and feeling irrational. It made you feel sick.

Eren glanced at you. "But I usually eat with [Name], though. I can't let go of that."

"Oh, that's fine!" she said cheerfully. "Maybe some other day."

"Sorry, but I only want to be with [Name]."

Unconsciously, your hand brushed over Eren's hand. All it did was slide against his palm, and you both tensed up, but he didn't pull away. The melodies of people chatting floated around you in the dim light.

A few seconds passed. One of Grisell's Garrison friends had struck up a conversation with her, so she turned the other way. No one else was looking at you.

Without even sparing you a glance, Eren silently wedged your pointer finger between his middle and ring finger. He pulled at it, like a child pulling at your arm.

You let him.

When Grisell turned back around, her eyes slid to Eren's fingers playing around with yours. Her mouth formed a circular shape, connecting the dots.

"I guess I'll see you both around," she said, faltering. "I have to go."

With that, she went off to regroup with her friends.

Eren let go, his hand falling to the side. Your hand tingled where he had touched you. While you looked away, trying to hide how flustered you were, you felt his gaze.

"What was that about?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"That girl upset you," he said. "Did she do something to you?"

"She looked at you," you said, half-joking.

Eren pressed his lips together. "I'm not into her."

"Who are you into, then?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?" you asked.

He paused. "Because I don't know what you would say."

"You don't know that," you said. "Give me a clue about her."

"Uh..." He looked uncomfortable as a blush bloomed on his cheeks. "Um... You know her really well?"

He said the last part questioningly, like he was afraid of how you would react. You rolled your eyes. What a typical thing for a guy to say.

You decided to tease him further.

"Gee, I always presumed there was something between you and Mikasa."

Now Eren looked bothered. "What? That's not it."

"Best not to tell me, then, 'Ren," you drawled. "I'd be real jealous if she kissed your pretty face in front of me."

Eren choked on his drink. Even though you should have felt embarrassed for saying something like that so easily, you did not. You were only saying things you knew to be true. After all, there was no harm in throwing a sign now and then—it felt right, like this was something you should have done all along.

To compliment his physical appearance was not enough.

He waited for you to tell him that you were just kidding, but you did not. Perhaps he was thinking too much about it.

You continued, "I think this girl must really like you too. How can anyone not fall for you?"

"I get angry easily, people find me annoying, the common folk thinks it's scary to be around a soldier, others believe I'm a psychopath. I think the whole being a Titan part really puts girls off, y'know?"

"What do you mean?" you asked with sarcasm. "That should be your biggest ace."

Eren began to laugh in earnest. You smiled. He did not laugh often anymore, so to hear the sound again, knowing that it was you who had him laugh, was comforting. It was music over the din.

"And just so you know, 'Ren," you said thoughtfully, "I think you're great. In ways."

"Ways."

"There are lots of ways."

Before he could ask further, Sasha popped up and pulled you in to dance. You couldn't say no to her; like Eren, she had a short timer too.

Every second felt like a step closer to grief. You wished time would just move slower so you could prolong the tension between you and him, but it moved on. Time never waited for you even when you were depressed.

That was all you wanted, and needed; just a little more time.

Eren watched you dance, dumbstruck when he realized that you might have been flirting with him. Suddenly he was annoyed that Jean and Connie were dancing with you and he could hear Mikasa and Armin talk about wanting to join in.

Ways. Many ways.

What did you mean by that?

A vision flashed through his head. Memories of lives he did not live through. Ways.

You came back to Eren on vertigo—Sasha had spun you around so much that you couldn't stay still. Your hand landed on his shoulder, giggling with the faintest whiff of apple-flavored beer. You loved your friends; you couldn't bear the thought of growing up and watching them leave you one by one.

A pulse played with Eren's head, causing him to set down his drink. He winced and grabbed his temple, and you nearly sobered up immediately. "Hey, what happened?"

"Nothing important," he said. "My head just hurts."

You made a noise of disapproval. "You said you were a heavyweight drinker."

"I am," he retorted. The ache pierced his brain again, and he pressed his palm between his brows. "I... I'm just... seeing things."

Eren had always had flashes to past lives, but somehow you could tell that this was something greater than that. Your spine crawled uncomfortably, natural instinct forming a pit in your stomach like you were walking along the ledge of a steep cliff.

You reached for his neck to check for temperature. "Maybe you have a—"

The moment your fingers grazed his nape, you saw the same vision he saw. Eren was seeing this moment in the bar in the variations of past lives. Like how he saw different versions of the day Shiganshina fell, the way you used to train together when he first joined the Survey Corps.

But they were difficult to grasp. They were a myriad of abstract lines and faded sounds. You saw memories of yourself fully drunk and being helped off a stool when Eren did not know you. You saw this exact moment in the exact moment you saw it in a past life. Your brain couldn't recognize it, couldn't comprehend it, causing you to short-circuit.

Was this what Eren was always going through?

You flinched and pulled your hand away. The visions stopped almost immediately, leaving you in the present. Eren's brows knitted together in the wake of his forehead pain. It was no wonder. You had been conscious through the time loops, and even you couldn't comprehend the fact that you had lived through the exact same scenarios thirteen times.

There could only be one in your mind's sense of reality. The only life you had was the one you were living right now.

"Eren, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he said. "Promise."

You wondered if it was your fault he was hurting. It must be. You were the independent variable in the loops; everything else depended on what you did.

But you didn't understand. You weren't doing anything that should have made Eren's head hurt like this. The only thing you had done differently this time was make Eren think you might actually, genuinely like him.

You were acting so caring towards him; much like how a lover should, and somehow the painful fog seemed to clear up in his eyes.

Just then, Armin turned around beside Eren. "Huh? Your head's hurting, Eren?"

"I'm fine, I was just—"

Mikasa craned her head to look at him. "You drank too much, didn't you?"

"That's what I said," you said.

"I wasn't drinking that much," Eren argued.

"We should find you some seltzer," said Armin. He motioned the bartender over. "Come here, drink this."

Eren reluctantly left your side to take it. While he was busy, you took a wine glass and filled it up. You felt like you were fucking up.

You exited the pub without telling anyone and stumbled your way to the beach. The cool air hit you, sending gooseflesh upon your skin. You had to clear your head before the trip to Marley.

-

As you and Eren trudged back to the seaside headquarters, you desperately tried to wipe your tear-stained cheeks in the most subtle way, but to your dismay, he caught you. You had chosen to drink tonight with your other friends, chose to slip away to the beach in the dead of the night and watch the voidless waves crash on the shore without mercy. Now, you were vulnerable.

"Are you alright?" Eren asked you. The wine glass lowered in your hand, and it fell down onto the soft sand. It did not break, but the wine spilled all over in a red puddle, like a miniature lake of blood. "Hey, be careful."

"I'm just a bit drunk, sorry," you lied. "Had too much."

Eren shook his head. "[Name], you shouldn't rely on alcohol."

You snorted. "Oh, please. I don't even drink that much."

"I'm serious. Sometimes I think I care more about your well-being than my own."

"Because if you ever get sick or have an arm chopped off, your Titan powers can heal you. Like a lizard."

"That's not the reason why."

Your lips curled up. "What is it, then?"

At that, Eren's cheeks were dusted with faint crimson that even you could see despite the darkness. You loved it so much when he blushed, loved seeing the proof of his fondness for you painted red on his face.

"It's another reason," he said.

"It's another reason," you repeated mockingly. "There's always a reason behind everything."

Eren went silent. You were fluent in his wordless language, but this time, he saw through you.

"I know you were crying."

You swallowed. The last time.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he replied, eyes flickering to you. "So... if there's anything you want to say, you should say it."

"Maybe tomorrow, I can talk to you about it," you said. "I... I don't want to regret anything. Saying something or nothing."

"Me too." Eren stared at the ground. "There's something I have to tell you tomorrow too, [Name]."

Standing in front of him, you had a clear idea about what it was that he wanted to say. There was no hiding the way you felt about one another.

You smiled bitterly. "I'm excited."

"You shouldn't be. It'll ruin your life."

"Ruin it," you said. "You know me."

With that, both of you left with your backs to the evening beach.

This was your life. You chose to do the things you did and so did Eren. There was no other way to live. This is all you get.