Eren's irises were the same shade of hillside green, but his eyes were as dark as the moon even under the bandage, and it pierced you as an arrow would. Beneath the rough exterior, with a brash uniform, an amputated leg, and thick bandages messily wrapped around his head, was the boy you loved.

You scanned his face as you took the spot on the bench next to him. Only now did you ever get to have a proper look at Eren before he began to tie his hair back. Stubble dusted his chin, light facial hair growing. His hair was disgustingly greasy—everything about him was, like he'd been doused in thick oil. He was leaner, taller—he was not the boy you left broken. He was a man, one who had been through hell.

It was the oldest you'd ever seen him look. Back in the first loop, the first life, when the Rumbling settled and you lived up to your 30s, you often wondered what Eren would look like as an actual grown man—the long hair, the stubble, the tan lines of his years painting his well-toned arms. This was the closest you would ever get to that. An ache settled in your chest as you relived that old pain, as though you were that woman twenty years older and not a twenty-year-old.

Your foot tapped the ground repetitively, and you began to chew on your lower lip in discomfort. What were you supposed to say? "I'm sorry for going to Marley"? "I'm sorry for fucking you and then leaving the next month"? How were you supposed to explain things without going down the wrong path?

"[Name]." He said your name with such a softness, betrayal wrapped in silk, that your eyes darted elsewhere, unable to make contact. "Why are you here?"

"I could say the same, 'Ren," you said.

Ren. He stiffened at the nickname. You often spoke it with an endearing quality, and now it seemed to bring up old wounds.

"Are you..." He slowly got the words out. "With Marley?"

His voice was strained, like he couldn't bear the thought. You released a single mirthless chuckle, tracing circles on your pants. You knew you must look so different to him now, too. You started wearing your hair differently, and the clothes were distinct in Marley as well. When you looked in the mirror, it was easy to bear a reflection that was not the image of the person you left behind. Now, you regretted it and wished you had done something with yourself as a physical reminder of your true roots.

You were a member of the Survey Corps. You were not Zeke's scholar.

"Of course not," you said. "I'm Paradis through and through. The people in Marley aren't so bad, though."

"I thought so. Then why did you leave?"

"I had to get out of Paradis," you said. It was not a lie, it was just not the full truth. "I... had to see the other side of the sea by myself. It was a solitary journey."

Eren frowned. You had never seemed like the type to want to journey—it was always Eren and Armin who would drag you around, yearning to see the world, and you usually rolled your eyes and followed them. It must hurt him, not truly knowing you anymore.

Your eyes lowered. "I don't expect you to understand."

"You never did. You never expected me to know you."

His tone dripped with bitterness. You thought of your last real interaction, yelling at each other on a boat, which was unlike you. You envisioned yourself in Eren's point of view: you, who had been emotional, intimate. You'd been starved for his affection. Then, you wanted to pretend like it didn't happen for reasons you wouldn't say. You ignored him, and one day, you just vanished without a heads-up. If he still had feelings for you, it would be a wonder.

"That's not true, 'Ren," you said. You choked back a tear. "You know me better than anyone. Always."

"Then why...?"

You knew what he meant. Why did you show him love just to take it all away? Why be so cruel when he had shown you a vulnerable sliver of himself? He practically worshipped the hard ground you walked on. An emotional outburst had gotten the better of him back then because that was how much he cared. He cared for you, and it was killing him the same way it was you.

"What do you want me to say?" you asked, voice shaking. "That I'm sorry? That I didn't mean it? I did what I did."

"I'm not asking for an apology. I'm stating a fact. If you want me to be honest, I'm more surprised that you came to Liberio, of all places."

You shifted uncomfortably. "Why? Where did you think I ran off to?"

"I thought you ran off. To someplace by the sea, maybe."

Now it was your turn to stiffen.

It was always the sea. His promise. Your efforts. It always led back to the both of you standing on a beach. That had initially been Eren's dream, not yours. Your dream had been something else. When Eren died, you were at a loss for what to do with your life. Maybe it was pathetic, anchoring your devotions to a single person. But now, you saw your dream for what it was—you had wanted to love him.

And fate, the cruel bitch it was, dangled it in front of you and constantly reminded you that it was the one thing you were not allowed to have.

If you loved him, he'd die. That must be it — every time you had shown love to him, he had died.

Eren had hurt you back then in the first loop, when he ran off and didn't tell you. For some reason, the thought saddened you now more than it used to hurt.

"You're no better," you shot back. "You vanished, too."

It wasn't fair. Yes, you left first in this loop, but in every lifetime before that, especially in the first one, it was Eren who had left you. Eren was the one who vanished without a trace, and the next time you saw him, you were on opposite sides. He never said anything to you first. He had left, and you were charged to instruct your friends to kill him.

And perhaps the most misery-inducing part of it all was that some part deep inside you still cared. If you hadn't cared about him, you wouldn't be here right now.

"The Survey Corps must be worried about you," you said.

"They were worried about you, too."

"You're more valuable than a soldier like me," you said. "You have the Founding Titan and the Attack Titan."

"Maybe I should clarify," he said. His eye drank you in, glinting. "I was worried about you."

Your stomach somersaulted, like it was falling into a pit.

You gazed down at your hands, thinking about the deadly power that flowed within, simultaneously unfamiliar and familiar, about how if you bit down on your pinky finger right now, you could release the beast your Eldian blood let you control. You were a Titan. As a Titan, you felt different from the others around you. You could injure yourself and it would heal. You were connected in that tree, that branch in the Paths realm that you and Zeke so often spoke of.

You knew how Eren would react. He sought the War Hammer Titan. What would he do? Would he let you go? Worse, would he eat you? There was something ironically poetic in letting the one person you loved the most eat your flesh raw, devouring your blood and soul. But you knew Eren wouldn't do that to you. It was pathetic, how you knew all his next moves but you were unable to prevent them.

"I wish you'd just tell me what was on your mind, [Name]," said Eren. "You've known me for my whole life but I still don't seem to know you. Maybe you saw something in me. Maybe you knew I was bound for war and it would lead to this. Either way, I still don't understand why you're here."

You couldn't tell him about the loop. You've tried so many times but now you've given up. Eren might believe you if you told him you were stuck in a time loop, and that you've been spending literal years going through the same situations in minute detail to the point you were going mad, but some external force prevented you from doing so. The only thing you could do was try to break out of it.

But God. You had never been so in love with him. It was like being fed an addictive drug—you knew it was bad, but you still wanted more against your will. You wanted to tell him so bad. You just wanted the boy you loved most back, and to see him safe and sound. The world could go destroy itself to ashes; you didn't care anymore. You just wanted to save Eren. But what would save a person so adamant about sacrificing himself?

"You want to know why I left for Marley?" You closed your eyes and inhaled before opening them. "I sought knowledge."

At this, Eren raised his brows. You had always been similar to Armin in that way. That hurt you too: to remember your old self — the smart-ass know-it-all who regarded Eren in contempt as a child — before the loops killed her. You had been an academic, puzzled with Eren and Armin over what lay beyond the world. Eren had yearned for freedom of the sea, but you pored over its composition and how it came to be.

"There's a research facility called the Titan Biology Research Society," you said. "I discovered a lot about our nature as Eldians and the Paths realm, and it was your dear brother who taught me."

"So you were hanging around Zeke, huh..." he muttered. A shadow passed over his face, a mask that staved off emotion, but you recognized that look well since you had seen it so much in past lives. He was concerned that Zeke was brainwashing you, and perhaps he was even a bit threatened that you were hanging around someone else and seemingly enjoying his company. "You shouldn't trust him."

"I don't."

"I'm serious. You should stay away from him."

"It's a bit too late for that," you said. "I think he considers me a close friend."

Eren's eyes darkened. You didn't know if it was a distaste for Zeke or something else. Was he jealous?

"Do you remember when we were surrounded by Titans, and when you touched Dina Fritz, you managed to command them all to attack Reiner and Bertholdt?" You conveniently forgot to mention that you had almost kissed Eren on that day in every single loop where you were cadets together, unable to control your lips from going near his. "You used the Coordinate, which is the tree in the Paths realm that connects all Eldians. I want to know more about it."

"To weaponize it," he stated plainly. A shiver ran down your spine. Eren truly did know you well to have deduced it so quickly. "You want to... seek knowledge in the Paths realm. And you're going to use that knowledge to...?"

To save you, you wanted to say. To shake his shoulders and scream it for all of Marley to hear. But he wouldn't understand because he didn't know about the loops. You closed your eyes, carefully choosing your next words.

"I know that the world wants to destroy Paradis," you said. "I want to understand our biology as Eldians so I can weaponize it to protect Paradis. That's why I came here."

Eren leaned forward, resting his chin on his crutch. He tilted his head to look at you properly, like he wanted to memorize the features on your face more than he already did. It reminded you of how you used to feel all blushy whenever he'd tilt his head and look at you that way. Like you were heaven on earth.

"You've always been the brainy one, [Name]."

A compliment. You felt like a young teenager again, flustered. If only he knew.

You turned away, unable to meet his intense gaze. You angled your head so strands of your hair fell to your side, hiding your face from him.

To your dismay, Eren reached out and tucked the hair behind your ear. His lithe fingers brushed over the skin of your neck, warm and smooth, and your nape pulsed with a flush—the sensitive spot of a Titan's body. Your spine felt like someone was pouring candle wax down your back. Your skin burned, wanting more. It was so stupid—you felt like a cadet again, easily reduced to a puddle by such simple gestures from Eren and his handsome face, even if he tried to hide it by looking injured.

Instinctively, you craned your neck to the side like you'd just been tickled. Eren observed your odd behavior, probably making deductions in his head already. Maybe you were overthinking it. But Eren always knew more than he should—he was tactical. You couldn't be sure if he would know you were a Titan based on one touch.

Or maybe it wasn't that.

Maybe Eren was wondering if you were in love with him.

Your chest tightened and you swiftly switched tactics.

"You're here to attack Liberio, right?" you asked. "I mean, you wouldn't be here for any other reason."

Eren exhaled. "Yes. I don't intend to keep it from you. You can run away, if you want to. But you have to go home to Paradis, you hear? I won't let you stay in Marley."

"Why?" You asked although you knew the answer. He was going to plow Marley back into the earth. "I'm not going to run away. I'm going home."

"Good."

You lapsed into silence, but it was not uncomfortable. It was as familiar as the warm sunset shimmering in Liberio. The weight of your years together carried you like you were traipsing on a wobbling tightrope. His presence wrapped you in comfort, like a soft blanket that could protect you. You had missed him so much—you've spent literal years loving him, decades even, and being away from him for a few months was still enough to hurt your soul.

Eren looked like he wanted to say something. There were many things, you thought. War. Death. Love, maybe. But there was no right way to crack it open right now.

Not wanting him to be silent, you said, "We've run away and come together. To fight in a war. Sick and twisted."

"Sick and twisted," agreed Eren. "I've never seen you like this. I can't pretend to be surprised though."

"Why not?"

"You always looked like you were fighting battles. Even as kids. You had this look in your eye. Like you were always anticipating what would happen next."

Warrior cadets passed by, not noticing you and Eren talk like you were old friends. Why hadn't you talked like this before? You would have been less desperate for Eren had you been able to have this kind of friendship weeks earlier. Perhaps you might have avoided sleeping together.

You had thought that seeing Eren again would be uncomfortable, but it was not. It never was. You wanted to talk about many things, especially events that happened in past lives. But Eren didn't know of them. He couldn't remember them. He had no idea that you had been through so much together. You wished he could remember because you loved talking to him about everything. So you kept quiet.

You wish you hadn't slept together. Even his body left you yearning. You practically worshiped Eren like a priestess who dedicated prayers to a thankless god. You touched him that night like you were starving. Sleeping with him had satiated a primal part of you that you didn't know existed until then. The pleasure of having someone you desired more than anything in the world was so good, and exhilarating to the point it was sinful.

He had been yours for a night. You wanted him so many times. What you couldn't remember, much less understand, was how you could have allowed yourself to desire him, to do all you'd done to be near him, touch him, sleep with him although you knew the consequences. After your talk, you'd slow down. Forget, forget. If you love him, he will die.

If you transformed, would Eren fight you? What would he do? Would he eat you to take the War Hammer, or would he leave you be? The main spectacle of the raid on Liberio had always been Eren's fight against Lara Tybur.

There was no other good way to drop it.

"I'm the War Hammer Titan," you said.

Eren hadn't said anything, but you could tell that he had paused. He didn't tense up. You held your breath, waiting for his reaction. In the distance, you could hear dogs barking and the squeal of car engines rolling by.

You counted the seconds. One. Two. Three. Some more that felt like an eternity. He spoke after twelve.

Finally, he said, "Why?"

You knew that was not the only thing he wanted to ask. Eren wanted to ask how, when, and where. Many things were probably running through his mind now—that he couldn't take the War Hammer Titan anymore because your having it threw him off. Now, you had leverage over him: in exchange for the War Hammer Titan, for you to keep fighting on his side, he had to do something for you in return.

"You sure took a page out of Reiner's guide to dropping bombs." Eren did not know that you knew he wanted the Titan. He continued without waiting for you to answer. When he spoke, his voice was controlled, and emotions slowly rose. "You know about the Curse of Ymir. You only have thirteen years left to live now."

"Thirteen years left to live..." you repeated. You wanted to scoff. You hadn't lived past twenty-one in centuries. Thirteen was your most unlucky number. "Yeah, right. When Marley finds out I'm from Paradis, they'll have me eaten in a week."

"So you've got to go home," said Eren. His voice was insistent. "You've got to stay with me."

"Who are you protecting? Me or the Titan?"

"Are you really asking me that? You, of course."

"You also want the Titans," you pointed out. You tried to hold it back and keep all your secrets, but you had to spit some out to survive. "Collecting them as though they're antiques you can simply polish. You want me near because you don't want to kill me, but you want the War Hammer Titan on your side."

"You're right," Eren said calmly. It always struck you whenever you realized that you were the one making the outbursts now when he used to be so emotional around you. "I do want the Titans. I don't want to kill you. So you have to stay with me. I'm not happy that you're the War Hammer, but now you've left me with no choice."

"Why?"

"Because it's you. I don't want you to suffer from this world or the Titans. I'm doing it all for you because I... you know."

You know. You shifted uncomfortably again for what felt like the nth time. You tried to make light of the situation.

"You should just eat me," you drawled, waiting to see how he'd respond. "More convenient for you, no?"

Eren leaned his chin on his crutch, tilting his head to the side as he gazed at you. The scrutinizing eye made your heart beat—you hadn't always seen Eren in this disheveled and unkempt look on him, and strangely you found it attractive. Captain Levi would have whacked you in the back of the head for it, telling you that you were better than getting hot for a man who looked like he had been fried in grease, but you had been irrational for a very long time.

"Funny. I already have, haven't I?"

Your jaw dropped. No fucking way.

"Eren, why you nasty little—"

"You should fight with me during the festival," he said, unperturbed. "The Cart, Jaw, and Armored Titan will be fighting against me, three versus one. Why don't you make it two?"

You crossed your arms and folded a leg over yourself, annoyed. Eren's gaze flitted down your legs briefly before raising his brows.

"Hey," he said. "I'm only teasing you. You're still so easily offended."

You rolled your eyes. "Whatever, Eren."

"Glad you haven't changed at all. So will you fight with me?"

You shook your head. This boy. Sighing, the fortifications began to construct themselves in your mind already, shielding you as well as the Titan could.

"Of course, I'll fight with you, Eren," you said. "It's you. It's always you. I can't fight beside anyone else."

I love, I love, I love.

"I'm... glad." Eren stared off into space. You wondered what he was thinking about you now. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am. You're my... you're the best person, [Name]. The best I'll ever have."

Your spine crawled. That was exactly what you had said to Eren in a previous loop.

-

When Eren transformed and destroyed that stage, killing your master before obliterating Liberio, you didn't run.

The Scouts made their entrance. It was strikingly different when you were the one unarmed, standing still among the screaming hordes of people awaiting death. Your friends zipped above you like black birds of prey, lethal explosions renting the skies and supplying the municipality with fire. Vulnerability would have gotten you had you not known about the Titan inside you.

When the Marleyan soldiers moved in from the rooftops to attack Eren, you knew you had to attack. Willy and Lara Tybur were both dead, Eren had made sure of it. Now their military was moving in to strike with their anti-Titan machinery. Eren's nape was vulnerable to their equipment without a shield, and you would not allow them to hurt Eren.

Running through the hysterical mob and the burning debris, you penetrated the wreckage of the festival square, bit down on your hand, and transformed.

Lightning flashed from your body, a thousand volts electrifying you like every last atom feasted on its self-destructing heat. A crystal began to form around your human body, and thus, your consciousness began to drift as it transferred to your forming Titan. Your eyes closed and you fell unconscious as you were encased in the icy stone, forming a crater underground.

Connected to a thick white cord, a huge 15-meter skeleton materialized a few meters away from your crystal. Then, the bloody flesh emerged from your body, red and raw. A skinless form rose to the sky, like a giant burn victim reversing their wounds.

The white aegis formed around the Titan's body, covering the whole flesh in an unbreakable hardened armor. When you opened your eyes again, you were fifteen meters tall and protected by white armor. You had successfully transformed into the War Hammer Titan.

"Eren," you said. Your voice was much deeper in the Titan, echoing throughout Liberio. "On your left."

Just as a spray of machine gun bullets launched at Eren's left, you slid over to the Attack Titan, heavy stomps rattling the ground, and willed the War Hammer Titan to create something that would protect you both. A thick sheet began to manifest from your white arm,  turning into a shield that you held up. The pellets bounced off like they were nothing.

Using the War Hammer Titan came to you easily.

You opened your palm and sparks flew out. From nothing, a war hammer began to materialize from your palm—a long handle with a huge razor-edged hammer at the end.

No mitigation, no mercy. You held the war hammer beserker back and then swung it in the direction of the rooftops where the Marleyan soldiers and their artillery were. They screamed and scrambled to get out of the way, but you had an obligation to leave none of them alive. The war hammer crashed into the building, producing a destructive shockwave on impact.

You swung the War Hammer around and went to town, destroying the soldiers stationed in Liberio and painting the fray with their blood. 

You were careful not to kill Commander Magath, as you knew the Rumbling needed him. You could see him seething on another building from afar, loathing to see the girl who was supposedly timid and weak using the stolen War Hammer Titan like it was nothing. Fighting with Eren Jaeger—that made you an island devil indeed.

Eren's Titan had not yet lost steam, since he wasn't fighting the War Hammer this time, so he had no reason to clamber out from the nape just yet. His menacing Titan form assessed you. He had probably realized by now that you did not seem to care for the innocent people you might have killed. You had no sympathy for the Marleyans. It seemed wrong, so unlike you.

It was strange, Eren knew. It was almost as if... he had seen you shed tears for the innocent in Liberio before. A forgotten memory at the back of his mind.

For you, it was hard to be merciful after nine lives of hell. There was only one person you truly cared about in this battle, and he was a Titan beside yours.

"The Titans are coming, Eren," you said.

You knew you could not let him kill Pieck and Reiner. They were Alliance members. He would want to eat them and take the Titan, but you couldn't let him. You would defend him, but there were limitations on what he could do.

Finally, you heard the roar of the Titans. The Cart Titan came with her Panzer unit, but you swung your war hammer, crushing the humans inside the machine gun and knocking her aside. Reiner was too weak to do anything, and Zeke's show went the same as it had before with Levi slicing him.

Finally, the Jaw Titan. Porco Galliard. He ran at Eren, narrowly avoiding the Survey Corps, but you were too quick. You willed a greatsword to come out from the ground, and the earth quaked violently as the spike emerged. Just as the Jaw leaped to attack Eren's nape, you impaled his body with the spike, blood flying everywhere.

He was weakened. The Attack Titan took him from your sword and didn't give anyone a chance to react. His jaw bit down on the nape, and he ripped it apart, dousing his mouth in blood. Eren had taken the Jaw Titan.

You supposed this was the law of equivalent exchange. He could not leave Marley without taking a Titan. The Jaw was the sacrifice for that instead of the War Hammer. The Alliance needed the Jaw Titan, as Falco took it and thus contributed to the success of ending the Rumbling, but you thought about how flying on that Titan led to having to kill Eren and you freaked.

You could see the airship approaching. The Scouts were already beginning to release their gear and retreat, the raid done.

You pointed at the ground, where a white cord connected your Titan to the crystal that held your real body. "Take me, Eren."

With that, you willed the War Hammer Titan to fall. You woke up in your crystal, mouth open in a silent scream. Your consciousness was back in your real body, hidden underground. Aboveground, you heard the thud of the War Hammer plunge.

You felt the tug. Eren's Titan had taken hold of the cord and he was now pulling you out till you were in his huge hands. Your crystal began to melt, covering you in something wet and disgustingly slimy. You were frail, weakened by the sheer power of the Titan.

Eren clambered out of the Titan's nape and took you in his arms.

"We've got to get you to the airship," he said. A hint of worry lay in his voice. "Using the Titan weakened you."

You realized now that both of you had Titan marks running down your faces. Instinctively, you reached out, tracing his lines the way you always loved to as a child. It reminded you of old lives when everything was still so innocent. His eyes widened, as if to remember how something felt.

Wiping your eyes, you gathered yourself and pointed at the approaching airship above.

"I can use the Titan to form a grappling hook," you said, a rasp in your voice. "To get up."

"You're in no shape to do that."

"Why, you want to get shot here?"

Eren shook his head in disbelief. He adjusted you so your arms were wrapped around him. His hands slid over your waist and fastened there. Feeling his warm palms pressing into your skin made you feel like you were on fire, a tingle running where you made contact. Like you were some precious flower and not a murderer who painted the streets in cold blood.

You pointed your palm to the sky and a blue crystalline rope shot out from nothing until it latched onto the airship. Your hand twitched, cramped with exhaustion.

"Don't strain yourself," said Eren.

You ignored the way it felt like blood was draining from your face. Your head began to ache. "I just want to help you. We'll get killed if we stay on the ground."

"If it ever comes to that, I can protect you," Eren said. 

Despite yourself, your heart did a flip. "Unrealistic, 'Ren."

With that, you released the makeshift wire and both you and Eren went zipping up to the airship, flying above the rooftops of Liberio like you were wearing ODM gear. Although you were usually quite physically adept, Eren's weight seemed a greater mass now that you were weakened. As soon as you both grabbed onto the steel ledge under the airship's door, you began to sway.

Eren caught you by wrapping one arm around your waist. Your hair was still damp from the crystal turning into water. Your head lulled into his shoulder as if you were ensnaring him in a gentle embrace. A hug, flying above the wreckage. The wind whipped your hair, flying in all directions. You were not afraid of heights. The burning city beneath you seemed like twinkling stars.

"M'tired," you whispered. "Wanna go home."

"To the sea."

"Yeah."

You thought of the beach, of the tent, the sand, and the stars and your sweaty bodies pressed together as you made out in the darkness. You wondered if Eren thought of that too. You'd kill an entire city of innocents and swim in their blood for him again if that was what it took to save him.

Your heart beat for it, satiated by the thought of destiny.

"The sea."

-

Chapter Notes:
I lied, Loop Nine's finale is Part V.