Sunlight thinly streamed into the next morning in the tent, pouring shine onto Eren's bare arms. When you woke up, you were momentarily disoriented.

Something wet had been running down your thighs, slick as oil. Then you had the displeasure of remembering.

Every promiscuous image from last night ran through your mind. It was filthy and downright sinful. You'd acted way out of line, throwing yourself on Eren. But he wasn't any better, pulling you in greedily. Tempting you like the devil he was. Original sin. It was like taking a bite of the forbidden fruit and realizing how deprived you'd been all your hours alive of its juicy sweetness.

You searched within you for a lick of regret. Little to none.

Eren shifted in the bed, snoring lightly before breathing quietly again. For a suspended moment, you gazed at him in wonder, not knowing how it was possible for someone to be so broken yet so beautiful.

When you touched his hair, tucking it behind his ear, he mumbled your name in his sleep and reached a hand up to paw at yours. He wanted to hold your hand, even asleep.

You knew you should have felt bad about being intimate with Eren. Previous loop yous would have freaked out of their bodies, afraid of how it would affect the timeline. But this time, you found that you didn't feel so bad—if anything, it felt amazing to wake up practically naked in his arms. Still, you wouldn't allow yourself respite. What would be the consequence now?

Eren stirred. You observed the slow rise and fall of his toned shoulders with every breath he took. You memorized every pattern of his so well all these lives that you could probably write a ballad from the mere rhythm of his heart.

Your soul ached as he rolled towards you—lips parted in sleep, dark lashes fluttered shut, his lengthening hair touching your cheek. Like his flesh couldn't bear to be parted from you even in slumber.

Maybe you should have felt embarrassed, but it felt good to be in bed like this. Away from the prying eyes of the world, with the thoughts of making love.

You sat up, slowly. Your legs ached. Of course, they did—you had opened them so willingly last night, allowing Eren to touch the forbidden areas within. You should be ashamed. But you still weren't. It had been for him, and you'd give him anything.

"Eren," you whispered, closing your eyes. You knew he was asleep and likely wouldn't hear. But perhaps by that logic, you could try. "I'm trapped in a...mmph."

You should have given up by now, but you have not.

Finally, you felt Eren wake. His eyes scrunched together at the morning light before opening them. His pretty irises blinked at you, slowly, then widened, then cooled. He saw your discarded blouse on your lap and began to blush.

"I..." He trailed after a moment's pause. His face was red but he stared straight into your eyes, trying to be respectful. You almost scoffed. He had been anything but last night. "I, er, good morning."

"Morning," you replied. You pulled your crumpled blouse back on, buttoning it. "So..."

"So."

"You and I are really that close, huh?"

Eren gaped at you for a moment, then when he saw you were trying to hint at a tiny smile, he released a gentle laugh.

"Guess we are. I... I never thought we'd do that, to be honest."

"Goes to show how much I trust you."

Eren sat up, and it took everything in you not to flush and panic when you realized that his... thing was probably also out under the blanket. And you had... no, you couldn't even believe you'd done it. You never forgot how Eren kissed you in other loops. There was no way you'd forget this.

"I'm glad to relieve you of whatever... pent-up frustration you've been going through," Eren said, the words awkward but his tone sincere. He placed a hand on your shoulder. You weren't sure if it was friendly or something else. "Really. I just... I mean..."

You laughed sheepishly. The tension dissipated. He was usually so moody and sullen that to see him awkward and blushing like this, was endearing. "'Ren... calm down. This doesn't change anything between us... right?"

There was a faint flicker of hurt in Eren's eyes. Rejection.

It almost annoyed you how he had been the one worrying about staying friends yet now for some reason he was the one hurt when you only restated what he asked for.

It was the first time Eren had ever asked to stay friends instead of becoming something more. You wondered, why now? Why in this loop, when you've become lovers for a night? 

"Right," he echoed.

"We should get going," you said. "Breakfast call. Oh... and Armin and Mikasa will be wondering where we are. You were supposed to be with Armin, right?"

"Yeah. Guess they stayed together."

An uncomfortable feeling prickled your spine. You and Eren dressed yourselves like everything was normal. The camp was deserted—everyone had gone to breakfast. It made your spine crawl, knowing that while you'd been passed out, they all slept unaware that you and Eren were sleeping together. Someone must have definitely noticed the absence, but at least they didn't know what actually happened.

You should have known better than to expect much from a bunch of young adults still in their teens. Your friends were eating at the big tent which had been converted into a makeshift canteen.

As Squad Levi, they were being given special instructions from both the captain and the commander regarding the next course of action for the usurped boats.

Only you and Eren were late.

"There they are," Sasha said cheerfully, waving you over. "We thought you guys were playing hooky or something."

Your stomach rumbled. You were parched and starving.

Coupled with your flushed faces and awkward shuffles, you and Eren both clammed up, trying to think of reasonable excuses. You'd been up for quite some time last night. Perhaps they thought you were sick.

You had to act natural. Eren, who could practically read your thoughts, knew to do the same. You had to pretend like this was just like any other breakfast table.

Hange paused from their lecture to speak.

"How are you two doing?" they asked kindly.

"Just tired," you said, grabbing two slices of toast for you and Eren. He grabbed a butter knife and some fruity paste that the Marleyans called jam, slathering his slice. "Sorry we're late."

"You didn't sleep very well?"

"We were hard at work," Eren said, handing you the knife. You began buttering your slice, and Eren grabbed two apples from the fruit bowl, placing one on your plate. "Our tent blocked out the sun."

"Our?" Hange asked. "Aren't you two staying in separate tents?"

You dropped the knife by accident, the utensil clattering against your plate, and your friends snorted, closed-mouth coughing into fists to try and hide their laughter.

Eren pressed his lips together, trying to figure out how best to amend his slip-up.

"We were," he said.

Levi looked between Eren and you, picking up his black tea and taking a sip. You shied under his intense stare, sweating at the thought of your superiors finding out what you were up to just hours ago. No one said that boys and girls couldn't share tents, but the thought was there.

Two people who were so obviously into each other. Spending a night together. It wasn't difficult to guess.

"Were?" Hange said.

"Are—I meant are," Eren clarified.

"Right," Hange said, stifling a smile into a long sip of coffee.

With that embarrassed thought in mind, you pointedly turned away from your food and sat between Mikasa and Sasha, even though you normally sat next to Eren. He slipped into the seat beside Armin and glanced at you before digging in.

The conversation resumed normally. You were tasked to check out the ships and the boats along with your friends. Once breakfast was over and you were out of earshot, Sasha yanked you away. Mikasa followed the two of you as she dragged you out, ignoring your protests.

Sasha forced you to face her. She was grinning widely.

"Okay," she said. "You have to spill. Now."

"Eren and I weren't fucking."

"Where did I mention that you and Eren were fucking?"

You felt the blood drained from your face. Upon seeing your wide-eyed expression, Sasha burst out laughing.

"I don't know when you became this raunchy, [Name]," drawled Mikasa. She was pressing her lips, trying to hide her amusement.

"For real," said Sasha, hitting you lightly. "We all knew there was some serious tension between you and Eren, but to think you actually..."

"It's not like that!" you said, cheeks starting to heat up. It was the first time you'd spoken to your girl friends about this. "Listen, we weren't... he didn't, like, put anything in me."

Sasha burst out laughing. "Oh my God, [Name]!"

"Sasha, you're not making this conversation easy," said Mikasa. She turned to you. "If you're uncomfortable speaking about this, we understand."

"Understand, my ass—speak for yourself," Sasha scoffed. She wiggled her eyebrows at you. "Tell us, was it good?"

"Sasha," Mikasa scolded.

You chewed on your lower lip. You could see Eren and the other boys exiting the cafeteria tent. Jean and Connie were roughhousing him, putting him in a headlock, and ruffling his hair as they teased him about something. Even from a distance, you could see how red his face was.

Eren felt your gaze on him and looked sideways to see you staring at him. Your face went hot and you snapped to the side, not wanting to be caught with doe eyes. Like you were a poor puppy desperate to be acknowledged with affection.

"Oh, man," Sasha laughed. "Judging by your reaction, he had you good."

Ignoring her, you asked Mikasa, "You were with Sasha last night? Sorry our tent was occupied."

"Yeah," she replied. She nudged you. "Luckily I caught on that something was happening. Would've hated to interrupt."

"It wasn't... y'know... obvious?"

"Didn't hear anything, didn't see anything," she said. She smiled. "If the captain asks, you can always just deny."

"We were just messing around. That's it."

She and Sasha shared a look. Messing around. As if you and Eren were only experimenting with each other. That's it. As if anyone would believe that. You and Eren often gazed at each other with eyes that looked like they wanted to devour.

Your hand twitched as the three of you walked off to the makeshift pier, where the boats were stationed. As Mikasa and Sasha chatted about how the boys must be losing their minds over Eren, analysis occupied your thoughts.

Helpless. That was how despairing it was.

You were attracted to Eren in every loop. You couldn't deny that. You were unable to turn off your feelings for him. It manifested every single way. Even now, when the feelings have turned sexual and physical. It was just like how Eren seemed to love you in every loop despite your feeble attempts to push him away. It was simply uncontrollable, beyond your reach.

It was foolish. You knew you could have chosen to not act on your feelings. You could have kicked him out of your tent and went to bed. You could have not kissed him, but you did. It hadn't been your mind making that decision; it was your heart—pure instinct telling you to shut up and kiss him.

Get a grip.

I can't.

Control your hormones, then.

It's a little too late for that.

You ambled along the dock, the sound of your footsteps mingling with the distant calls of seagulls. Amid the docked ships, some beached completely, a few were rusting while others were small vessels. Your gaze wandered, wondering which one would be the easiest to sail.

Another thing: you were planning to leave. It was one thing to scheme a getaway, and it was a totally different equation when your feelings for Eren mixed into the plan for the loop. Though, you supposed that was no strange concept anymore. It always interfered.

You entered the Marleyans' supply boat through the gangway. It was a tiny sailboat. Eren had plucked it from the waters last week. Sure enough, as Sasha and Mikasa walked off to inspect everything on the main ship, you easily entered the sailboat's interior.

Dank and cold, smelling of seaweed and rotten meat, you wrinkled your nose in revulsion. You had to turn on a flashlight as you entered, as it was windowless and so tightly bolted with echoing steel that sunlight couldn't enter. Surely enough, you discovered crates of glass bottles of deadly wine.

You stepped away from it, hating the foul stench of Eren's brother's disgusting spinal fluids even more than the seaweed.

Someone placed a hand on your shoulder. "Hey."

You jumped, boots clanging against the echoing steel wall. You blindly swung at the intruder, skin crawling. Eren caught your arm, steadying you.

"How were you so quiet?" you demanded.

"I was making a ruckus," he said. "You were too deep in thought."

"Let's get out of here," you said, grimacing. "No threat here."

Eren glanced at the crates and arched an eyebrow. "You sure about that?"

You stared at him. Perhaps you'd imagined it, but you were certain that he'd noticed the wine bottles. "Yes, I'm sure. Why?"

"Dunno," he shrugged. "It's red wine. Seems kind of sinister."

Your stomach turned with discomfort. It was as though Eren knew of your past lives.

When you and Eren emerged onto the sailboat's deck, you heard a whistle from the coastline. You rolled your eyes as Connie and Sasha cupped their mouths and started heckling at you, demanding to know why you and Eren were in a secluded place together. Eren told them to shut up, narrowing his eyes.

Before you could step on the gangway and rejoin your friends on the far end of the bright coast, Eren took your arm. You turned to face him.

"Hey, [Name]..." he said. He scratched the back of his neck, eyes flitting everywhere on your face like he was nervous. "We're cool, right?"

He had been observing you, analyzing you, trying to figure you out. You couldn't come up with a response that wasn't a death sentence.

"Yeah," you replied. You shifted your weight to the side. "Why wouldn't we be?"

Eren was not the kind of person who avoided conflict. "[Name], don't hide from me. We slept together. I'm kinda worried you'll freak out on me now that it's over."

Now that it's over. Something twisted in your chest. No, you wanted to sob and shake Eren's shoulders. It was never over when it came to him. To victors, there were hurdles, to devotees there was sin. To you, there was him.

You pretended to knock on his temple like there was nothing in his brain. His tan skin was smooth under your knuckles. "I could never hide from you, Eren."

I love you. I love you. I love you.

You wanted to say it. You almost did. There were so many reasons for you to say it. But one look at Eren before you, and the boat underneath you, and you remembered how it just couldn't happen. The cycle was always the same. Every time you tried to let him love you, he ended up becoming a danger to himself.

You were tired of it. You had felt pleasure last night but it was temporary. You didn't want to hurt Eren anymore. Loving him was selfish.

It killed you when he gave you a tiny smile. "That's a relief. I was really worried."

But his voice was strained, hiding his disappointment. That you only ever saw him as a friend. It was worse now, when you treated him like he was just a one-night stand to hook up with after you'd been vulnerable.

"Are you... mad at me?" you asked in a small voice. You knew it was a stupid question. You just didn't have the restraint to soften the blow.

At this, Eren's brows crumpled together. His mouth straightened and he released a sigh.

"I dunno... guess I thought you had feelings for me or something? That you were trying to confess to me?" he asked. "You're giving me mixed signals. I'm trying to understand you, but I can't."

Your palms shook, twitching like you'd been electrified. Eren's choice of words reminded of you Loop Three, the one time you'd been truly romantically involved and he wanted to understand you then. He was so close now. You only had to confirm what he knew. But you couldn't.

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, what do I mean? I'm being perfectly clear."

"No, I don't understand."

"Stop playing dumb, [Name]. You were there."

You were, every time. If you told him, he would start a genocide. But that was not what you were worried about anymore. If you told him, he would die. If you didn't, you'd break both of your hearts. You loved him too much to have him.

So you scoffed, "Did you think I'm in love with you or something?"

Eren's mouth opened for a few moments but no words came out. "What?"

"I mean, why would I ever see you as anything but a friend?"

You met Eren's eyes, watching the kaleidoscope of emotions glinting in them, ranging from surprise to shock to pain. Pushing your nails into your palms, you willed yourself not to cry. You hated hurting him. You hated lying to him. But this was for his own good. You couldn't bring yourself to say more.

Eren visibly stiffened. His eyes dulled, the same depressing look you recognized every lifetime when you pushed him away, and they washed over with resignation. His hand, you noticed, was balled up just like yours. It was shaking with unspent energy.

You both stared at each other in silence, nothing but bated breathing and waiting for the other to speak. Instead, it was only awkward and uncomfortable silence, something you had never felt with Eren before.

"I see," Eren finally said coldly, lifelessly. "So that's how you feel. I'm sorry for assuming otherwise."

"What did you assume?" you asked, harsh. "That I was in love with you?"

Eren looked at you in disbelief, and said, "Yes. I did."

You swallowed a lump building in your throat. He continued on.

"I keep thinking that I know you, but I don't. You're hiding something from me. It's like you're terrified that something bad is going to happen. What are you afraid of? Am I really that bad?"

You backtracked. "Eren, no—"

"I just—I don't know, I'm tired of you running away from me. I mean, it hurts. I don't know what you're going through and I wish you'd just tell me so I can help."

He looked stricken, as though you'd hit him. It took you everything to not fold over.

"You can't help me," you said.

Eren clenched his fists. "How do you know that? Do you think I can't? I'd flip the whole world if it meant I got a fraction of your mind!"

"Then stop wanting that!" you yelled, voice rising with anger. "Whatever it is you feel for me, stop it, Eren. You're just going to disappoint yourself. You'll only hurt us both."

You reached out to shove him away from you, but as soon as your palm landed on top of his heart, something electric surged through your body.

For a moment, you were in a different scenario, no longer on that boat. You and Eren were not standing on a ship deck but instead floating in a lake, wet faces and hair sticking to your skin. The third loop.

"[Name], I'm yours."

You were staring at him, open-mouthed and wide-eyed as if the thought had never occurred to you before. Back then, in Loop Three, you thought it was because your actions had fooled Eren into liking you. Now, you knew better.

"But you're holding back from me and I don't know why," he said. "To be honest, it hurts me. I've always wanted your everything and I don't want you to think that I can't be trusted."

The rest of the memory was a blur. There had been a lot of kissing, and teasing. Happiness, even. Even back when Eren knew about the Rumbling.

"[Name]?"

You blinked. In a second, you were back in the 'current' loop, dry and untouched on the Marleyan boat. Eren was gazing at you with his lips half-open, like you'd just kissed him the same way you did in that lake, in the third life.  

"What did you do?" you asked incredulously.

Eren knitted his brows. "What did I do? What did you do?"

You stepped back like he'd burnt you, afraid. Were you reggressing? Would loving Eren trigger that too? Sentence you to another thirteen loops? You searched Eren's eyes with delirious hope, waiting for him to see, to remember the previous loops, but he seemed perfectly normal other than the fact that his irises shone with fresh pain.

A few beats passed. Tears began to build in your eyes, but you skillfully held them back. Eren noticed. He always did because he knew you better than anyone.

"That's it?" he demanded. "You're not even going to try to fight for me?"

Your voice quavered.

"I can't."

You couldn't stop Eren from seeking freedom. You couldn't stop him from loving your friends. You were beginning to doubt that you could stop the Rumbling and save him at all. There was just nothing you could do about his feelings.

"I'm sorry."

The words were like bitter gunpowder. Eren looked at you a minute as if he did not quite know what to do with himself, then turned sharply away, saying, "Is there anything else?"

"No," you said in a quiet tone.

Eren swung himself over to the gangway down to the sandy coast, making your heart stand still.

"I don't understand you. You're in love with someone but you won't say who. I wish you'd just stop being such a coward and do something about it."

At this, your anger rose. "You don't have the right to say that to me, Eren. Everything I did, I did it for love."

"You don't get to say that, either!" he told you fiercely. "If you loved me, you'd just tell me!"

"If I loved you, I wouldn't say anything at all! You'll be sorry for that, Eren. I did it all for you."

"So did I, [Name]."

"Shut up. You don't even understand what you're talking about!"

"Neither do you!"

"Yeah, right," you laughed harshly. "You have no idea how repetitive this hellhole of a life has gotten for me."

He finally turned to meet your anger. "I could say the same."

Eren stormed off, like the tide receding before it would crash back with violence. You watched him disappear down the beach, not even looking back at you once.