SIX

No one can control the Attack Titan the way Eren does.

Grisha Jaeger was looking at you with horror painting his features. You, a scrawny child fresh from the ruins of Shiganshina, slowly teared up as you lifted your head.

"Eren is dead," you said. A choked sob escaped your throat. "He got eaten by a Titan."

"No..."

"Mr. Jaeger, you're all I know anymore," you continued, voice cracking. "Everyone else—they're dead. Mrs. Jaeger, Mikasa, Armin, my mom and dad...I'm sorry, I couldn't do anything."

With this, you burst into tears and wept bitterly into your sleeve. The hems of your dress were torn and bramble scratches covered your legs. Being a child, you looked helpless in every way. The smell of blood was heavy in the air, putrid as burning metal. Proof that Shiganshina had been slaughtered.

Grisha swallowed.

He knelt before you to reach your height. He put his hands on your shoulder. His own body was shaking, eyes bloodshot with tears.

"You... you're all I have left, too."

His resolve strengthened and he stood, gently pulling you by the arm to walk with him. He treated you as you were—a child.

He led you away. Like a promise of new life, new guardianship, the found family one might expect in an orphan and a father with no wife and son. Grisha's face was hidden from you in the darkness.

As you passed through a forest, nearing midnight, his grip suddenly tightened around your wrist. You felt a brief shirk of fear but gathered your courage.

He stopped you in the middle of a clearing. There was little to no sound save for the chirping of birds and unharmed cicadas. The air was fraught with threat.

"[Name]... you're just a child. So, I'm sorry."

"Mr. Jaeger?" you asked timidly. Perhaps you were mistaken in your decision to come here. Perhaps it would all be different. "Is this about my parents?"

"I'm sorry," he repeated. By now his eyes were blank, face slack with shock and self-loathing. He began to wail. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry—this is for him, this is to save all of them—"

"Mr. Jaeger," you tried, but suddenly Grisha forcefully yanked you by the arm, dragging you away despite your screams. "Let go! Let go!"

"I'm sorry!" he shouted, sounding crazed. He suddenly pushed you onto the forest floor, forcing you to roll up your sleeve and reveal your arm. "It's what they all want!"

Now, you felt true fear. "Who?"

But Grisha wasn't listening. He was fishing a box out of his coat pocket and hurriedly pulled out a syringe. "Be strong. Use this power. It's the only way."

"Wait, you didn't answer me!" you shouted, wriggling in his grip. "Who wants this?"

"You love him, don't you?" he shouted back. "Avenge him. Save Eren!"

With that, he plunged the syringe into your arm and pushed down.

You went still, and all screams ceased. You stared at Grisha through wide eyes. He suddenly embraced you, openly crying now.

"They said... to keep trying until you get it right."

You couldn't speak. Couldn't move, like a rabid dog that was getting put down, as you felt your spine contort through your body. A flash of lightning, so blinding that you lost sight of all things a human could identify.

Then, you transformed.

-

Two hours later, you slipped next to Eren in the cot, where the survivors of Wall Maria slept.

He only looked at peace in sleep. It was as though he hadn't been through one of the most traumatizing hells on earth just hours ago.

You were saddened, seeing him. He was now an orphan.

Eren stirred when you curled up in the cot next to him.

"[Name]? Did you go out?"

"Had to pee," you said.

"Okay."

That was the end of the conversation. Eren, sleepy, returned to slumber. He was a child. Although you technically were too, you haven't forgotten what it meant to be an adult. You had to protect him.

You were glad it was too dark for him to see the Titan marks running down your face.

-

In the Cadet Corps, you almost expected to find something different about yourself now that you were a shifter. In all honesty, not much had changed from your physical abilities other than the fact that your wounds healed fast.

You were always careful to avoid extremely harsh wounds, which was easy because you knew when it would come due to past lives but also difficult because you were in a military training camp. Sometimes, the wounds would heal back fast, steaming. You wore long sleeves, even on hot days, just to avoid it being seen.

It freaked you out, knowing that you could turn into a Titan.

You didn't dare to attempt a change. It was too risky when you were so close to the Warriors. You saved it for the future.

Eren's physical abilities were less standard than what he normally was. It took a longer time for him to heal. Nevertheless, he was Eren, and when he set his mind on something, he was determined to achieve it. That was why he still graduated in the Top 10.

"Enlisting in the Survey Corps?" Eren asked, on the night before Trost. The stars twinkled above you. "You sure?"

"I'm sure, Eren," you said with a calm smile, placing a hand on his knee. "I want to."

He glanced down at your hand placement before lifting his eyes back up to meet your gaze. You looked almost loving. Like you wanted to keep him safe.

You were complicated, to say the least.

In the past few years, you were normal as ever, but sometimes you would talk in conversations like you were saying a practiced line. You were the most adept during battle simulations but you hated getting hurt.

Sometimes, you were close to Eren and made him feel like he mattered more than anything, which touched him.

Other times, you treated him with indifference, like you wanted him to stay away.

He couldn't figure you out.

You had let your life play out naturally, the way it always should have been. Only tomorrow would everything be diverted.

There were some things about Eren you never fully understood in previous lives. In the events leading up to his death, he was secretive. He pushed everyone away. You knew enough about him to know him well, sure. But Eren. To truly enter his mind and understand how the thoughts within operated to make him do the things he did — that was wholly different.

Still, at the end of the day, he was just a boy.

You thought of this as you prevented him from joining Armin's squad during the Fall of Trost.

"Excuse me?" he demanded from you, furious. "I have to go in and fight!"

"Stay back, Eren," you warned. "I will lead the charge. You follow me."

"You're not my squad leader," he said defiantly.

You gave him such a deadpan expression that even he had to pause. He had no idea how you could be so calm and collected when the world was falling apart around you. That alone made him shut up and grumble as he charged after you, entering Trost.

You did everything as Eren did. You went further ahead than everyone else so that the squad wouldn't reach you in time. You pretended to falter, running out of gas and "falling" into an alleyway as Titans surrounded you from all sides. You had to be careful. You couldn't die just yet. But you had to divert the Titans from Eren, who would recklessly enter the battle and didn't have Titan powers.

Making sure that no one could see you, you bit down on your hand, hard, as the Titans closed in.

For the first time, you transformed into a Titan.

You couldn't remember much, what it was like.

There were bits and pieces.

You could remember the vengeance within you bursting like a bubble. The anger you'd carried in your soul throughout the years made an appearance as you tore Titans to shreds with your hands. You felt your spine pulsating with life, pleased to feel the power of your ancestors in your blood. It was like crushing bugs.

When you were unconscious, emerging from the steaming Titan's nape with strings of flesh sticking to your face, you felt a pair of arms enclose your body and distantly heard the sound of sobbing.

"[Name], you're alive!" Eren hiccuped into the crook of your neck. You were steaming and covered in gummy flesh. And yet here was Eren, still running to you. "Oh my God, I thought—"

"Eren," you whispered, holding him back. "Hello."

It was odd, how the roles had been reversed.

When you reentered Wall Rose, a garrison commander pointed cannons at you. You somehow managed to transform a half-body Titan as Eren did, protecting your friends from the blasts. You hopped down into the Titan's inside and watched as Armin left to speak.

Eren grabbed your arm, squeezing it.

Everything happened as it had to Eren.

Commander Pyxis taking charge of you. Entering Trost District. Transforming. Being tasked to seal the wall with a giant rock. You found that it truly had been difficult to take control of the Attack Titan—it was just impossible when it refused to bow down to you as its master. You were pretty much braindead inside your Titan as it roared, the sound echoing throughout the district.

Around you were Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and the rest of the squad that had been tasked to rein you in. They were standing on rooftops.

"[Name], please don't!" Eren warned, watching as your Titan began to snarl like an angry animal. It was similar to your body, and your hair color, only it was extremely muscular. Your Titan had pointy ears. "Listen, it's me, okay, it's Eren!"

At the word Eren, your Titan perked up. It turned to the source of the voice and saw that Eren was standing beside people who were not Mikasa and Armin. People with swords. People who threatened to hurt him in past lives. It infuriated you and filled you with primal fear, all rational thought gone.

Your Titan swung a huge fist at them. They were more experienced soldiers, so they managed to jump out of the way. However, Eren was not as lucky. As your fists crashed into the roof, sending tiles flying everywhere, one scraped Eren's cheek. He yelped in pain and leaped off the roof, away from you.

Inside the Titan, you were immobile, unconscious, and unaware of the things you'd done outside.

You dreamt.

Eren had once told you that he imagined being home, back in Shiganshina, where you and Mikasa were playing with dolls while his parents were in the kitchen. Armin had shaken him awake back then. It required a goal — an extremely important goal that would send you defeating your own Titan and taking control.

Eren's goal had been to go to the outside world. But in time, it turned out that wasn't enough. It wasn't just the world he wanted. It has always been freedom, something he never got.

"It's unfair, right?"

You jolted awake. You weren't inside a Titan, you were standing in your garden, a watering tin in hand as young Eren leaned over the fence. You freaked out. Did you die again? Did the loop reset?

"Nah, you're not dead," said Eren, as if he knew what you were thinking. "This is a dream, same as I used to dream when I had to control the Attack Titan."

"I'm not you. I don't dream."

"Too bad, you've got the Attack Titan now, so you have to find a way to control it."

"Again, I'm not you," you sighed, dropping the tin. You rubbed your eyes. "I'm tired."

"What is it you want?"

"I want to control the Attack Titan and seal the gate."

"That's not what you want," said Dream Eren. "Think again. Why did you conjure up here, out of all places?"

"Because this garden is the stuff of my nightmares," you deadpanned. You didn't care that he rolled his eyes. Brat. "Because... I want to save you."

"Taking my Titan won't work, you know," he said. "There are some things you just can't change."

"Shut up, dream Eren, how would you know?" you scoffed. "I need to save you. Time is running out."

"Right," said Eren, echoing your line. "Save me, [Name]. Time is running out."

"I know that!" you said, frustrated. You felt the anger boiling in you again. You didn't know if it was the Attack Titan, or if you really were just sick of this game of loving Eren so much that you'd put yourself through all this suffering. "Of course I know that, you suicidal idiot!"

"Of course I know that, you suicidal idiot," you muttered, back in the real world. You slowly opened your eyes to see the world through the Titan. There were flesh strings attached to your face, making you one with the monster you created.

Apparently, you had slumped to the ground, just as Eren did before.

Something sharp and hard was poking at your back, making you wince. You heard someone's voice outside the Titan.

"Save us, [Name]," you heard Eren say. "Time is running out."

"Of course, I know that, you suicidal idiot," you repeated for the third time. Your mind was scrambling together.

It was not the dream Eren talking to you now, it was the real one.

"Please," Eren whispered from outside, his sword still in your Titan's nape. You imagined that Armin had instructed him to stab you. "You've always been my hope. Don't let me down now."

I know, I know, I know.

Your Titan let out an earth-shattering roar and stood. Eren began to cover you from any other Titans. You took the rock and sealed the gate. The operation was a success.

When you did awaken, you were in a jail cell.

Well, fuck.

"Hello, [Name]," Commander Erwin's voice was serious, but not unkind. Perhaps he was more lenient with you because you didn't seem as dangerous as Eren. "You've been out for a while."

"What happened?"

"You can transform into one of those things," Levi said, rightfully disgusted. "Horrifying, but true."

"I don't remember any of it."

"Not many will believe that," said Erwin.

"It's true."

You gave them a blank stare. They were, in fairness, taken aback. You had the grim expression of people who knew they had their work cut out for them. To see it on a young kid was pitiful.

"Alright," Levi said. "Don't be mad if I have to hurt you, then."

In the courtroom, he kicked you in the face for screaming bloody murder when the court began threatening to accuse Eren of being in cahoots with you.

Fuck, it wasn't fun being Eren.

It didn't take long for you to die.

-

Titans were surrounding you. The sky was a beautiful pink, a perfect blanket to die under.

You had been foolish to think that you were anything like Eren when you became the Attack Titan.

Now you were here, bleeding out on the ground, helpless as Mikasa was plucked from the ground by Dina, the smiling Titan. Eren let out an earth-shattering scream for her. But he couldn't do anything. You couldn't do anything.

You tried to transform, but couldn't. You tried to touch Dina for a semblance of the Founding Titan's power, but things had gone differently because unlike Eren before, you were injured to the point of no healing.

Your powers just wouldn't work. The Attack Titan was refusing you like a stubborn dog. It rejected you. It just wasn't yours.

That was something only Eren could bear.

You couldn't look as the Titan killed Mikasa. Fuck no, you'd rather die. Which wasn't a difficult request, because that was exactly what was about to happen to you. To Eren.

You forced your eyes back on the Titan, still biting down on your hand. By now, your wrist was doused in blood. A huge chunk of your hand was gone and you'd spat out your own flesh from your mouth, tasting like metal.

Mikasa's torn scarf had fallen onto the ground, ripped to shreds. Eren was screaming, shrieking from the depths of his chest like a damn animal. In the distance, you could hear Armin wailing, too. You dared to look back up. The Titan swallowed what was left of her, a huge lump going down its throat.

You were so numb with pain and shock that the grief just wouldn't register. Besides you, Eren was still crying for the death of his own family.

"Nothing's changed," he sobbed, chest heaving. "I'm just a useless boy, Mom!"

"It's not your fault," you said. Your voice sounded far away and hollow in your ears like it didn't belong to you. "I'm the one to blame. It's my..."

Eren hiccuped, tearing his eyes away to look at you. "You know it's not," he said, voice cracking. "You... there's nothing you could have done."

"You're right," you said. You gripped his hand with your bloody one, not caring about the burning pain that shot up your arm. "There's nothing I could have done."

Mikasa's scarf blew in the wind. The Titan was staring you down. You looked back at it with wide eyes, numb and cold like a corpse. You slowly began to shake.

"It's my fucking fault!"

You crumpled, realizing the sheer insanity of it all. You knew what was going to happen next. There was just no way you could continue living in this loop if Mikasa were dead. There was just so much in the story that needed her. You had let her die in this one because the Attack Titan was a choosy prick who wanted Eren. Eren, Eren, Eren. Of course, it always had to be about him.

You couldn't help it. You put your head in your hands, painting yourself with even more blood, and shrieked so shrilly that you were certain you could have broken glass. You were absolutely going insane.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" you screamed. You ignored the look on Eren's face, freaked out by your outburst, and scrambled around to find anything sharp or heavy. "Just fucking die!"

There was a rock on the ground. Perfect, fucking perfect. You crawled over to it with what little strength you had, dodging the hand the Titan swiped at you the moment you began to move. Eren was calling your name.

"What are you doing?" he asked, still tear-streaked.

You began to laugh. You were going insane.

"Killing myself, of course!"

You said it so crazed, almost cheerful, that you were certain that you had lost it.

"[Name], don't!"

"I'm so fucking useless I might as well be dead and get on with it," you heaved. "Fuck, Eren, why did it have to be me?"

With that, you took the rock and bashed it against your skull. You had been numb, but you definitely felt the sharp point of the stone smash against your bone. By now, the Titan had finally begun to grip you. You raised your arms so that they wouldn't be stuck.

The Titan lifted you into the air, ready to chew and swallow.

Eren began to scream your name. "No!"

You hurt yourself more, bashing your head like a maniac. The Titan's fist squeezed your body, and blood immediately poured from your insides and your head like you were a tube of red toothpaste.

You would die before the Titan could swallow you or the loop could see Eren die. Relief. You looked back at Eren, who was now totally numb and staring at you with such horror in his beautiful eyes that you were thankful you'd never have to see this version of him again because there would just be no recovering from what he had just witnessed.

Losing consciousness, you whispered, "There's... dirt on your face."

You saw Eren's eyes widen, like something clicked in his brain.

"What did you... just say?"

Before the Titan could put you between its teeth, you blacked out. Time reversed, and the loop went back.

-

A/N: I'm sick of writing about the Cadet Corps and the Trost arc. It's repetitive. Pretty sure [Name] feels the same way lol. I usually like writing about the canon violence in AOT, but there was just something disturbing about this chapter that made me tone down the gore at the end.