We can't let up on lockdown
It's helping to fight crime
The incidence of shoplifting
lowest of all time.

Shutting all the shops up
Has really done the job
There's no footie hooligans
Or any unruly mobs.

They've put an end to bar fights
By closing all the pubs
Loving all the numbers
Except, perhaps, the deaths.

So focus on the good news
And don't make too much fuss
It's pretty hard for criminals
Not just all of us.