Dear dorothea,

What is going on? Everyday i do everything i can for you and it just feels like you dont even care anymore..

I know you say im not easy to love but then you act like you do no wrong, like youve never hurt me. You know i would ruin myself for you a million little times. My reputation is gone because of you but i dont care because you remind me daily how much you have "sacrificed" for me.

And maybe you have. But you also revealed you said that just to break my heart.

I gave you the shiniest, brightest parts of me and you just sit there and tolerate it.

Crayon drawings made by the smallest hands, ripped to shreds and told their not enough. Someone trying their best and being told they are a failure.

You say im cold, and exhausting but i do everything i can to be there for you and its never enough for you. What if i needed something from you.... Did you ever think of that dorothea?

If its all in my head tell me now. Tell me ive got it wrong somehow. I know my love should be celebrated but you tolerate it.

I often wonder if i just died or left if you would even notice. It breaks my heart to know for sure you wouldnt.

if you told me to carry every emotional weight you have i would try, believe me i could do it. 

You have him. Thats all that matters. It feels like something inside me has died and i am afraid ti find out what. Maybe im just holding on because if i dont what would i do.

But if i didnt hang on, you wouldnt hold on to me.

Without you i would have accomplished nothing in life you say.. And you are probably right.

But someday clarity will come in death and this will die. I just wish i knew how to say this to your face. But if i did the pain and judgement i would receive would be beyond measure.

I made you my temple, my mural , my sky, now im begging for footnotes in the story of your life.

-Betty

A/N thank you for reading this ranting so far!!! This is me just projecting my frustrations, sorrows, and thoughts into words.

Dorothea is my "Best friend" and she treats me like im nothing without her, but when i have other plans other friends suddenly she cant live without me. And then when i do the same to her im clingy and needy. I give her all of me. I never get anything so i stopped expecting. But at this point those in authority whom i trust say im just a whiny child and need to suck it up. But im tired of being manipulated. Emotionally, physically, mentally, berated everyday for someone else to say they love me and care about me. And i cant let go because she reminds me how much she has sacrificed for me then revealed she only said that to hurt me. She just tolerates it.