Read this if you want, but this is just a rant. Just venting out a problem or whatever it is.

    EVERYTIME I TRY TO INTERACT MORE. IT HAPPENS. EVErY. FUCKING. TIME.

    I TRY TO DO MORE STUFF. COME OUT OF MY SHELL. I'M TRYING TO DO MORE WITH A GROUP THAT I'VE BEEN VERY SHY AROUND SINCE DAY 1. AND THEN THAT FUCKING PART OF MY BRAIN SAYS THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE. WHAT IS IT? MY CONSCIOUS? THE LITTLE ANGEL AND DEVIL ON MY SHOULDERS? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT AND HOW DO I GET RID OF IT? I'M TRYING TO GAIN SOME CONFIDENCE HERE AND YOU'RE NOT FUCKING HELPING.

    "THIS IS WHY THEY DON'T TALK TO YOU."

    "OH MY GOD STOP ANNOYING THEM."

    "THEY'RE ALL HOPING THAT YOU'LL GO AWAY."

    "YOU NEED TO SHUT UP. STOP TALKING."

    "WHY DID YOU DO THAT? MORON."

    "WHY DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING? IDIOT."

    "THEY ALL  H A T E  YOU."

    FUCK OFF. WHATEVER IT IS THAT'S TELLING ME ALL OF THIS, FUCK OFF. I CAME HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AND HONESTLY I'M FEELING SO ATTACKED RIGHT NOW haaa okay had to lighten up the mood here for a second. But for real.

    I've been so confident for these past few weeks and all of a sudden just a little while ago, I let all kinda fall apart in my head. I don't know what this is exactly, maybe just a lot of insecurity? Well it's really bothering me and I need it to go away. Control the mind. My mind is my own. I command you to make these thoughts go away-! God I wish that was how it worked. Well, no, it does. I told myself to just stop thinking of things so negatively and I only saw everything from there as getting better. This isn't within my normal group of friends or my family. It's another story, but basically, I've been reclusive since day 1. And slowly, little by little, after getting to know everyone, meeting the new people... slowly, over the course of nearly three years, I've been able to do and say a little more. And it's been great. It has been for a little while. But then there was just one intrusive comment, something kinda like "what if they thought of what you did as annoying?" And now everything that's been building up as good for a while now... I see it as something else.

    Ugh. Maybe I'm just tired. I hope so. I really do. I don't want to sink back to where I was... But I also don't want them to hate me. How could they? They seem like nice people. ...but in conversation they seem to have a bone to pick with quite a few others. What's stopping me from being one of them? They decide, not me. And what's terrifying is that there's no way of being able to tell with them... On sitcoms it's so blatantly clear: "Oh my god, Elisa is walking this way! I can't stand that bitch! Hey, Elisa, get the fuck out of my face!" (plz note the exaggeration. You get what I mean.) But, here, they don't even attempt to avoid said person that they hate... They'll talk to them. Be friends with them on the spot. Smile and laugh with them. Then the moment the hated person turns their back...

    So who am I to say that I'm not on the list of hated people? I'm not. The better question is why I care so much. Lol... that I don't know. But I do. I like them all... I just wish I could say the same for how they feel about me. I can't, and the thing is, I should be able to with my status. But I don't. Maybe I just can't see the problem with them being able to dislike so many people? Or am I too kind? I don't like to judge immediately. I don't like to keep a dislike for people. I used to for a lot of my classmates, and that was too stressful. The only people I can "hate" are far, FAR from these people I talk about.

    Hahahaha.

    jwworufifosuwhrgvodiafjfbdfov.

    Fuck.

    I need to vent and this helps a lot. Calms my nerves. I can sleep now. I'm probably more tired if anything, but this shook me up earlier.

    This is so fucking annoying lol. That's how it ended up in this book :P

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    Let's use the new photo thing.

    The Gr8 Papaya.