This is not a bash on the anime or story. I am not telling anyone to hate this story or bash on it themselves. If I express any kind of hate in my writing, please know that they are not what I really think of this show.

    What you are about to read is satire,

    I repeat:

    WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS S A T I R E.

    So please do not go insane and start yelling in the comments.

    ~Azari

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    All the problems with:

    "Free! Eternal Summer"

    1.) I don't think water has fangs. Nor can it be neutered. Because dude, it's just w a t e r. *gets killed by Haruka*

    2.) Psh duh that isn't enough water for you, you're in a bathtub.

    3.) Makoto can't find his scarf and makes adorable "I forgot!" noise to make the fangirls squeal.

    4.) Makoto cutely plays with cat to make the fangirls swoon.

    5.) The boy who was voted the Sexiest Anime Male Character of 2013 is making normal mistakes and reacts to them cutely.

    6.) Either some things don't change or I'm seeing exactly what happened in Free! Iwatobi Swim Club episode 1 right now.

    7.) Ah, so it was his chest and abs in S1, now back muscles and dat ass in S2.

    8.) This guy does not know how to bathe like a normal person.

    9.) Apron over swimsuit. Another reuse of something that happened in S1 and this, what, 17 year old guy still isn't normal.

    But hey, he's hot... so it's okay.

    10.) Makoto has already said like three times that you're gonna be late and you just don't give a frick frack. Meanie.

    11.) Wtf are you guys doing at Samezuka?

    12.) "A 100m race 100 times is logically impossible." Thank you, Rei. Have a cookie.

    13.) Hold on a second. Wait a minute. Your honor, wait! STOP RIGHT THERE!

    Did he say 100 meters? Meters...not yards. That means they have a long course pool, not short corse. If that's the case....why did they even bother going to the deserted island in S1!? Weren't they looking for a place with a long course pool? Did they recently build one in Samezuka or what?

    What was the point of going to that island if they already have a long course pool?

    14.) Why wouldn't Rin be captain? Why is everyone so surprised? He's a main, it was bound to happen... *looks away from camera to off-set* Wait, it was a surprise? Oh! *looks back* Ohh what!? Rin is captain!? Wow, totally not predictable!!!

    15.) Aw you guys are so kind to allow Rin to swim in the pool full of cherry blossom peta--- Gou. Please tell me you did not just ask your brother to "take it off!" and have a camera ready.

    16.) Gou you crazy muscle fangirl. Go to a strip club.

    17.) Okay, I know realistically the people in that auditorium would kinda be weirded out by the boys taking off their shirts, but it would also be realistic if there were a few girls shouting some snazzy comments as well.

    It's not just boys that make inappropriate comments, you know.

    18.) You're asking me to believe that swim isn't a popular choice of sport in their school? In Japan? *heavily stifles laughter of refusal*

    19.) Can everyone please stop it with the "flower behind your left ear means you're married" thing? Incase you didn't realize, fangirls, there's no romance in this show.

    20.) "I'll take that cold look on your face and make it hot." KyoAni, please tell me you are aware that the fangirls will think of something completely different than what he really wants to do.

    21.) Lol they finished in the exact same time. Rare, extremely rare for that to happen. It also happens at the perfect time in the story, between the two competitors of the story.

    How convenient!

    22.) Oh helloooo, who's this guy?

    23.) So this is Yamazaki Sousuke from High Speed!...they did a good job if I must say so myself.

    24.) "Two best friends have a secret handshake" cliché.

    25.) "I just wanted to swim my own way back in my home town for my last year, since I know what I'm gonna do after high school."

    "Wait, you're not gonna quit swimming, are you!?"

    "...I got scouted."

    His face. It was supposed to be a joke. It was supposed to be funny - he was supposed to just me messing around. Silly me.......I forgot that this show is made by Kyoto-f**king-Animation.

    26.) "My entire body buzzed with energy when I swam with him." *turns back and smirks* "I see why you're so taken with him."

    *RinHaru fangirls scream and roll on the floor*

    27.) A boy who is said to have ranked in the Top 10 times in his country for butterfly........ is breathing every stroke.

    Why.

    Just why.

    You just don't do that...

    28.) Sousuke why the scary look.

    29.) "Don't ever get in Rin's way again."

  wow r00d

    30.) Creators decide to keep Sousuke's non-acknowledgment towards Haruka to add tension and get people to hate him.

    31.) Fans decide to judge this guy before even really knowing anything about him.

    Actually, I'm gonna admit that I was pretty suspicious for a while until I decided to look at his character a little more - I admired how much he cares for his friends.  But nooo I'm one of the stupid fangirls who like the douche bag guy, huh?

    32.) "I only swim free.... and relays." *sigh*

    33.) "Rei-kun... is in love with... no, it can't be... unless... he's really in love with a guy!"

    Give me an F-A-N-S-E-R-V-I-C- and E!

    What's that spell? Well another way to say it is "Mess with the fangirls by implying something that they'd love for to happen but not really make it canon."

    34.) Have Rei skip practice 5 trillion times to build up tension.

    35.) So we wasted our emotions by worrying about Rei only to find out he imoroved his swimming.

    36.) Irony.

    37.) Rin cries like a whimp after loosing a race.

    38.) Sousuke is all about winning this race to make Rin do whatever he wants - several tears later and he's like "actually nvm"

    39.) Almost wastes a five-year promise on soda.

    40.) He doesn't laugh and smile enough.

    Have you seen him laugh and smile?

    Angel right there.

    41.) Ai you do realize that overuse in breaststroke is gonna fuck up your knees, right?

    42.) Whale shark cheer after winning.

    43.) Rin...... you thought you'd beat someone who is said to have a Top Ten time in the country?

    44.) You know, what if one of those swimmers have an awesome time yet just don't wanna compete in the relay? Are they forced or do they give it to someone else? I'm curious.

    45.) Time to give the happy and cheery character a tough time with relatable life problems.

    46.) Nagisa: *runs away* *builds tent right by a friend's house instead of asking to stay there*

    47.) *friends don't grasp the fact that Nagisa really doesn't want to talk about it*

    48.) *18 year old tall kid with green hair and eyes is the most gullible person alive to believe a story like that*

    49.) "What's this I heard about Nagisa-kun running away!?"

    What it really is: Someone who's expressing concern for the well-being of his good friend.

    What the fangirls see: His boyfriend coming to the rescue and hope that they might kiss or something.

    50.) Haruka on the phone for a brief moment. Hangs up right away. Brushes it off.

    This will be important later.

    51.) Think you're safe hiding in the pool area. They don't go to the lockerrooms.

    52.) KyoAni makes Nagisa break down in tears to make us break down emotionally.

    53.) Prefecturals at episode 6.

    54.) Everything seems to go well. Prepare for everything to go to hell later on.

    55.) An episode preview that repeats "kiss me" a lot. Show a guy with pinkish hair in the preview.

    Anyone who has read High Speed! 2 should know who it is right away.

    The fandom freaks out for several days thinking Rei and Rin were gonna have a make-out session.

    56.) One more hottie for the fangirls, eh? I gotta say they did a perfect job for his voice, it's just like how I imagined it would sound-- oh look Makoto x Kisumi is already a ship.

    57.) So basically this episode was to show that Makoto might want to be a coach.

    58.) "So then his shoulder must have healed!"

    *Sousuke fans break down and scream furiously into their pillows with a river of tears flowing from their eyes*

    59.) "Shoulder...healed?"

    "Yep! I ran into him at the hospital the other day..."

    *That dude/gal who posted that theory of Sousuke having an injury a day after the previous episode being so happy they guessed it exactly right*

    60.) Sousuke now out of all times is suddenly having a ton of trouble keeping his shoulder a secret from Rin.

    61.) Oh yeah Haruka still has to choose what he wants to do lol

    62.) Hotel room. Friend is showering. An everyday mistake occurs: forgot his towel, so he asks his friend to bring him one.

    What the fangirls see: Hot moment when Makoto-chan purposely forgot the towel so he can ask Haru-chan for it and then blah blah they somehow end up doing the frick frack.

    63.) "Characters that aren't so fond of the other's existence end up in the same room" cliché.

    64.) This tense elevator ride doesn't have a murder scene in it. Let alone a punch. Or insulting word. Kayyy.

    65.) Guy leaves and drops a bunch of towels. Sousuke can't even life his arm.

    But you're telling me he can swim   b u t t e r f l y   later on and tough it out? Lol get out. Really, just get out.

    MOST PEOPLE CAN'T EVEN TOUGH OUT CRAMPS. YOU ARE NOT ABOUT TO SELL ME THIS FLUFFY IDEA THAT SOUSUKE IS SERIOUSLY ABLE TO TOUGH THIS OUT JUST FOR THE SAKE OF HIS NEW DREAM AND FRIENDS, OKAY? NO, JUST NO.

    HIS ARM IS DEAD.

    DEEEEEAAAAD.

    WHY IS HE EVEN ABLE TO LIFT IT!? HE COULDN'T EVEN GRAB A FREAKING FALLING TOWEL LIKE TWO SECONDS AGO.

    66.) Officials are going to let him compete with a shoulder that's blaring red!? What!?!

    67.) "Rin. I've finally found it."

    Alright, Rin, time to smack him upside the head and kick him in the shin for being an idiot and (possibly) disabling his arm!

    "Took you long enough!"

    WHAT!? YOU ONLY KICKED HIM IN THE SHIN BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I TOLD YOU TO SAY!

    68.) No. No... No. Do not make Makoto so angry to the point where he almost cries.

    You're smashing my heart with a sledgehammer here.

    Yeah, yeah, make girls cry, they do that all the time, but you just DO NOT make a guy cry! It's so crushing to hear their voices break like that! :'(

    69.) WELL GO AHEAD AND MAKE THE QUIET AND COOL ONE NEARLY CRY TOO. THAT'S JUST FINE. MY EYES DON'T NEED TEARS ANYWAYS.

    70.) Let's go to Australia!

    71.) Haruka suddenly becomes a lost puppy in Aussie.

    72.) Rin's engrish though

    73.) Why the eff am I reading subtitles if they're speaking English?

    74.) Lol you guys are establishing Rin's admiration towards Haruka in this episode like it's supposed to be a new fact. Wait...... it is? Oh. Well in that case AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA suuuure.

    75.) Kyoto Animation has no bounds to how far they'll put in the fanservice.

    76.) "Must be you and your girly name." Uhm how the heck are they supposed to know that your names are feminine (actually unisex)??? They do not know the backround to Japanese names.

    77.) Why so awkward? It's a sleepover!

    (#nottotherinharufangirlslol)

    78.) DO YOU GUYS EVEN REALIZE THAT YOU'RE SPEAKING AND SWIMMING WITH OLYMPIC MEDALISTS!??!!!?

    79.) "Rin, I've found it too..."

    *sigh*

    80.) DAMN YOU KYOANI. REI'S CRYING, NAGISA'S CRYING, I'M CRYING.

    81.) OKAY MAKE THEM ALL CRY AFTER FINISHING THE RELAY GO AHEAD KYOANI JUST BEWARE THE DEATHS OF DEHYDRATION THAT SOME FANS WILL GET.

    82.) Okay, this episode is litterally all tears with the sentimental stuff going on. The cherry blossom petals in the pool, the graduates finally growing up... Haruka and Rin racing eachother in the Olympics.

    MY HEART IS DONE. THANK YOU. I'LL BE SUFFERING FOREVER NOW. ADIÓS EVERYONE!!

    .

    .

    .

    83.) "Who says your shoulder can't be healed? Who says you can't come back? Don't crush your own potential before you even try! Sousuke, I'll be waiting for you."

    *anxiously waits*

    "......I'll think about it."

    *aggressively smashes computer with a baseball bat*

    GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!