"You think you're on the elevator to life, but really you're on the RV to death!"-JuniWuni and me

"Clams have litterally no IQ. So when they're dead, they're like... double stupid."

"You have five minutes to kill yourself. Quick, tie a noose."

"I gave you a ride home once so I'm allowed to touch you."

"Did you get consent from that trash can before you touched it?"

"Apparently I sexually harassed you when you raped me."

"I try not to look like absolute trash, but a little trash is okay."

"I'm so bored I can't do anything."

"I am an organic killer."

"My fingers did not do what my mind told them to."
"Soo you died because of your fingers?"

"Dalton? More like dumbass."
Dalton: "Or retard."

"Hey, will you kill me?"
"Only if you kill me."

Trombone player: "My spirit animal is the clarinet."

"The only thing I know about that kid is that yesterday I saw him being pulled on the shirt by a little girl, he looked at me said 'help me' and I looked at him and said 'same' "

"I'm already dead on the inside, why can't I just be dead on the outside too?! Please! END IT!!" - Me

"Go lick a swingset, or suck a dick! I don't care it's your choice! Either way you'll get a disease!"- Kayla

"Ugh! Don't do that!"-boy
"What'd he do?"
"He touCHED MY NIPPLES!!!"-boy

"UGGGGHHH I'M GLITTERY GARBAGE!!!"-Me

"Why do you have a crush on a 37 year old? You know she's WAY outta your league! I mean, there's all the fish in the sea, and you choose one who's 37, and has a daughter the same age as you?"
"Well I mean, technically she's still swimming so..."
"WHY DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON MY MOM!!?"

"I look handy-dandy with my handy-hands."

"You know despacito means slowly. As in.. slowly shove the knife into my neck."

"How can you be homeless? Just buy a house."

"How can you be depressed? Just be happy."

"Yeet to the beat of the meat!"

"That was rejected almost as fast as my love confession"

"The last time there was a random sausage on the floor, I lost my son!"

"OH MAH GOD there's liquid SHET on this counter!!"

"MRS. MONTERO!!! SOMEONE TOOK A SHIT ON THE COUNTER!!!"

" Forget about 12 gauge wires, I'm going to put a 12 gauge to my head!"

"AAAAAHHH"-student
"DAMMIT DANIAL!!"-teacher

"I will hit you with my backpack Parker!! It's like three times my bodyweight!! It will mess you up!"

"The power of Christ compels you to stop being a little bitch!"

"THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!!"

"Morgan Freeman mixed with Ice Cube is basically the pissed off voice of God!!!"

"Evolve into what you were always meant to be!! A pink ass dinosaur!!!" Me to JuniWuni

"You know that moment, when you're 5 years old and you're in the back of the J.C. Pennies and a man asks you if you want candy and it goes from 0-100 in 5 seconds..."

"I gotta go - this dude's offering me something cool if I go into his van!"

"I don't wanna suck it! I wanna drink it!" -Me

"Alright, which one of you failed abortions hid my test!?!!"

"I'm not a rapper I'm an adapter!!"

"Your foot's fucked up, it must be pregnant!!"

"Who said it could be this cold?!"
"God did"
"Fuck God! I'll go worship Satan then!"

"Ace, do you have a penis?"

"Existence is pain!! I hope they make a pill for it."
"Oh, they do. It's called cyanide!"

"Don't put nuts, bolts, or nails into yo mama's blender. Because you're not gonna make liquid metal, you're gonna make a broken blender. And mama gets angry when you make a broken blender."

"Russia is bigger than Pluto!!"

"Bippity- boppity go away."

"You can't spell success without 'suc'... don't ask me why that's important kids."

"I want you to know there's an 'end' in 'friend', but there's no 'end' in 'stress eating' or 'suicide'."

"How do people end up working at Home Depot? Like, do their parents abandon them in the isles, and then the original workers of Home Depot raise them to be the perfect employees?"

"GUYS! Conspiracy theory: Vladimir Putin is just Jesus in disguise trying to test our faith!"-Me

"Sassy Jesus!!"-Me

"SHOW ME THE LAW THAT SAYS I CAN'T JACK-OFF AN UMBRELLA!!!"

"Rootin-tootin Vladimir Putin!"

"I love being touched without my consent! It's like surprise sex!"

"It's fun for me to make fun of your awful handwriting-!"-Me
"LeaVE ME ALONE!!"-N4N1CK
"CAUSE IT'S GARBAGE!!"-Me

"You know I see all these ppl getting hurt in movies and I'm just sitting here like man I wish someone would beat me up"

"Remember the last time we heard random screams, Jack ran into the classroom in a pair of shorts and a morph suit!"

"Oh, I play spades with the black people when I can't sleep and we cuss each other out. It was about 3 AM when I called one an ass hole after she called me a hoe!"-My granny Christmas of 2018

"Some kid just shouted 'I will kill all of y'all!!' While flailing an American flag!"

"I got beat by the American flag the whole pep rally! PATRIOTISM HURTS!!"-Me
"You gotta pay for your freedom somehow!"

"I'M NAKED!!! I'M NAKED!!! THIS IS ART!"- boy with shirt pulled up above his nipples as he rubs his belly
"DAINIEL!!"-art teacher
"I'M A FOOTBALL PLAYER!!! I'M NAKED!!! PAINT ME!! IM NAKED!!!"

"OH GAWD ITS A FROG!!! GUYS!! HE'S GONNA KERMIT SUICIDE!!! OH NO I KILLED IT!!"
"HE'S NAKED!!! THE FROG IS NAKED!!!"

"Come get your unicorn horns! Make em big make em thick!! Come get it!"

"Oh hey mrs Waffler, you look nice today"
*later in the office*
"Oh hey dude what'd you do?"
"I sexually harassed mrs Waffler."

"That girls face was like a death threat!!"-Me

"If you're not cool in school, do a juul! It rhymes so it must be true!"

"My mom got arrested to this song!"

"So my ex wife said I needed to choose between her and the kids, or my cigarettes, which if you could tell it was an easy choice. I sure miss those kids though." -teacher to class after a cigarette assembly

"Yeah I got a date... with the rope in my room, and yeah something is gonna crash... the chair on the ground."

"I just got boob punched by another girl's boob!"-me

"Boy, you need to bleach that ass hole!"

"Hey girl, you know what rhymes with love? RAPE!!"

"Who needs consent in 2018?!"

"If you're gonna go anal, you gotta use bleach as lube!"

"Why's there a wet spot on the floor?"-me
"Oh, that was me! Sorry I got scared!"

"So someone drew a dick on the desk in Mrs. Eddie's class and she said 'maybe they're just drawing their size!'"

"YASS Bengie!! Show that chicken what a real man is! Give it some love~!"

"I don't know... those Downy Dipin' - Dots tasted pretty good last time! Why would I stop eating them now?"-Me

"You sure you didn't put anything in this?"
"Yeah I put some Xanax in that breakfast taco. I also put in two cyanide pills, laced it with bleach, got some tide pods in there, and to add a little extra flare... I sprinkled some Downy Dipin' -Dots on top!"-Me
"You got some problems kid."

"I'm sorry we can't talk to white people, were Caucasian."

"Am I suicidal? I don't know, why don't you ask the giant bottle of bleach beside my bed!" - Me

"There's a difference between a dick and a penis and Dalton is that difference !!"

"HEY! Hentai is ART!!!"

"What's so wrong about sitting in public with your shirt off?!"

*boys fighting*
"BOYS!!!"-teacher
"He was trying to grab my WIENER!!!"

"Don't eat the salads from What-a-Burger ,my boss said they killed 35 people in the last year!"

"I mean it's only 35 dead. It's not a LOT of deaths."
"Dude that's A LOT OF PEOPLE! It's like my entire extended family wiped out right there!"

"Who needs bleach when you've got What-a-Burger salads?!"-me

"Dude I can't wait to be fired!"
"Maybe you should quit before you get fired? Just a suggestion."-me
"Nah! I wanna be fired!"

"I don't know guys, Hitler looked like a nice guy to me! Every time I saw him on tv he was waving hi!"

"Hey! So, did you punch your pig?"-me
"No I didn't get a chance yet."- my fav cousin

"My number one goal in life is to become black."

"Peter Pan PornStar!!!!"

"NO!! Stop trying to penetrate my ass!! That's gay as shit and I ain't about that life! I ain't no Furry!!"

"I stole the seat of a chair from mr Harris. Yeah, I kinda just got up when the bell rang and took it on my way out."

"Shut up!"-guy 1
"HEY! I will kiss you!"-Daniel
"....Mrs. I feel sexually assaulted right now." -guy 1
"YOU SHOULD BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED RIGHT NOW!!"-Daniel

"Hey!"
"Hay is for horses, and cows like you!!"

"The gays are watching you and me!
They're down the street, they're up all day
They're gallivanting every way!
You can't avoid the gays ashore, you can't avoid them anymore!"

" thanks for threatening to kill my grandfather..." - teacher to student

"Oww! OWW!"-student
"Well maybe you shouldn't have been messing with him!"-teacher
" yeah, but he threw my notebook on the floor and then stabbed me in the chest!!"-student

"Yeah, we were playing a knife game and they told me to throw it hard. So I did, and it stabbed Shelton in the leg! It was stuck in his thigh, and when we asked if he was okay he said, 'NO I'M NOT FUCKING OK, I JUST GOT STABBED!!' But no one told Mr Tatch."

"Dude I'm so exhausted... I wanna like.. be hit by a bus. So I can sleep in my hospital bed, in my coma, in peace."-Me

"Do you want me to pee on your floor?! 'Cause I will!!"

"You're a faggot!!"
"Damn right I am!!!"

"I get more ass than a toilet seat!"

"I already got three write-ups for stripping, I don't need a fourth one!"

"And that was the day, I discovered my mom was Hitler!"

"I take it as you don't know how to count" -customer to fast food employee slowly counting change
"I take it as you don't know how to diet."

"Women: going from "OWW! that's my hair you BITCH!!" to "Oh, hey! how's it going?!" ."

"There's a lot of estrogen in that one room..."

"It's not a Calculator it's a math box!!"-Me

*some kid just points to letter* " This isn't an a letter, it's the number 6!!"

"Y'know.... you could honestly just look at life like a dick. Because sometimes it's up and some times it's down!"-bad_bihxx
"Nah, life's like a dick because it fucks me."

"Become undatably attractive. Because an 11/10 is basically just a fancy 1/10!"

"Hey! Do your work, it's why I bought you!!"

"This is the anthem of 2015!!"
*What does the Fox say starts Blairing*

"Red rover, red rover! Make Carrington bend over!"

"I'm gonna shove this pole so far up your anal cavity you'll cry!!"

"Jarren, stop calling John illegal."

"Emily, stop trying to kill my other students by encouraging them to eat paint!"
"Sorry..."-me

"GILBERT DON'T EAT THE PAINT!!"

*to the tune of PPAP* (if you get it, you get it)
"I got a hammer... I got a mallet... Bam lawsuit!"

"And God said 'Let there be YEE!'
And the disciples said 'Let there be HAW!" -Me
"That sounds like the Cowboy Church alright."- Parker

"Granny, how's it feel to have your life together??"-Me

"Yo! Would you rather punch a 7 year old, or a 77 year old?"
"Well, that depends on who the 77 year old is. Because any day I'd punch the 7 year old because they need to learn that life's not all rainbows and unicorns. BUT if the 77 year old is my grandma, and I'm the one collecting the insurance money then sorry grandma! You've had your chance to live and now it's time I had mine!"

"Woah! I wanna die but I don't wanna be killed!"

"Don't fuck up my window!"
"Yeah, you already fucked up my emotions!!"

"I started from the bottom and now I'm even lower!"

"God my son is so ungrateful! I bought him a trampoline and he wouldn't even get out of his wheelchair!"

"What's your favorite drug?"
"Mine's crystal meth!"
"Oh I like mine strong and fast, definitely heroin!"

"Who needs to date someone your age when you can date a granny?"-person 1
"What??"-person 2
"Gotta collect that insurance money!"-person 3

"What are you gonna do?! Cry!? Huh?! Maybe piss?? Maybe take a shit?!"

"I don't have a penis!"-male student

"Alright fam who's ready to get hit by an 18 wheeler?! LET'S GO!!"-Me

"I just inhaled diesel and then burped up a rainbow so something's going on here!"

"Questionable meats!"

"Can you imagine an eye coming at you with like, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat?"

"No expressing yourself in art class!"

"I'm such a fucking sub!"-me

"it's not rape if we're both crying!"

"Cactuses are very baby friendly"- my big brother

"We couldn't get you a card, so we compromised and got you a piñata!"-my big brother

"Education in prison! I mean, just because I stabbed 5 people doesn't mean I don't have the rights to a 5th grade education!"-Me
"Hey, my knife is sharp, but you know what's sharper? My mind"

"I have the IQ of a slightly autistic snail!"

"You know, all those nukes that North Korea has is probably just a bunch of fireworks duct-taped together!"
"That or they have a bunch of poor kids pedaling bikes to keep it flying!"

"I don't appreciate getting yelled that and then being told to go play in the street just for getting a plant wrong!"

Teacher -"Daniel come in here!"
"I swear I didn't pee on the counter!"
Teacher-"W-what???"
"Oh it's just cause it's wet in there..."

"REST IN PEACE BIG SHAWN'S FORESKIN!!!!!!"
"HASHTAG CIRCUMCISED!!!!!"

"MY FORESKIN'S STUCK IN MY ZIPPER!!!"

"That sounds like 3rd world stoner problems."

"PLEASE STOP WHISPERING THE LYRICS TO BIG TIME RUSH IN GOOFY'S VOICE!!!"-me

"I AM PORN MAN!!"
"What's your superpower?!"
"AIDS!!!"

"I've witnessed a man drink water out of a Dorito bag."

"Shut up dick-can!!!"

"I show my affection by throwing lead filled bags of kindness!"

"You're using the power of ladybugs to give me depression!!"-me

"Every! Single! Day! YOU DON'T HAVE TO GRAB MY TITTIE!!!"

"If you projectile vomit on me, I'll projectile shit on you!"