I felt tears well up in my eyes, I screwed up big time. Knots formed in my stomach, my fingers clenched onto my phone as I ended the call from my mother. My anxiety got the best of me and I messed up my whole routine in front of tons of people, and worst of all my idol Victor Nikiforov was watching every single mistake I made. Oh god, why did I have to be such a failure?

I guess I should blame myself though, anxiety washed over me like a title wave and I began binge eating, and after I heard that the family dog, which I named Victor (or Vicchan so people wouldn't get mixed up), died I was devastated and fell into a deep depression, blaming myself for not being there for him.

I gasped and bit my lip as the tears overflowed, tears landed on the lenses of my glasses and splattered against the surfaces, I then found myself trying desperately to choke down the horrible noise that erupted from my throat. I was in a bathroom stall for crying out loud! The door was suddenly kicked, it rattled on its hinges. I yelped and ferociously wiped away by tears before exiting the stall. "S-sorry." I sniffed expecting to see another person but was surprised to meet the hard emerald green eyes of Yuri Plisetsky. The junior grand-pre final medalist. Russian punk.

He glared at me and got up to my face with a scowl plastered upon his face. "Listen I'll be competing in a senior division next year. I think it's time for you to retire, I don't think we need two Yuri's competing in the same rink." He then went so close to my face causing me to back away. "Loser!" he yelled with pure hatred glowing in his eyes, staring into my own. Ouch. That sure hurt.

He clicked his tongue and left the bathroom leaving me shocked but broken on the inside, he was right, why would there need to be two Yuri's if one of them was already a failure? I looked at myself in the mirror hating the person that stared back at me. "So ugly..such a failure." Yuri's words rang in my head. "Such..a loser," I muttered and walked out of the bathroom and grabbed my stuff. "I mean..I could easily be replaced." I walked with my head hung low until a loud obnoxious voice called out my name, I turned around. "Don't you dare give up kid! You're too young to retire!" Morooka yelled at me.

I looked away. "It's a bit late for that. And I hadn't even made a decision yet." I mumbled. "What are your plans after college, are you planning on staying in Detroit?" he asked, I shrugged and looked out the window to see a woman carrying a poodle in her arms, tears formed in my eyes again victor I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye. The room suddenly froze, it was as if time itself had stopped, Victor Nikiforov walked down the aisle with Yuri by his side. "Yuri your performance was flawless but your step sequence could use some work." He lectured the teen with such a monotone voice in which Yuri responded with a sassy remark. I thought he was talking to me, of course, he wouldn't though, why would he? I was stupid to even think that.

I hadn't even realized I was staring at Victor until his eyes darted to me and he turned with a smile, I jumped. "Hey want a picture or something?" he asked. I quickly switched my gaze back to the ground my heart aching painfully and trudged off. "Hm?" I could feel his stare on me as I passed by him, honestly, I didn't even deserve to be looked at by him. Really what was I thinking? Skating in the same league as someone as amazing as him? Still, I was happy to skate in the same rink as him even if I was humiliated by all.

I made a big fool of myself, maybe I wasn't cut out for skating? Maybe it was Yuri and Victor and all the other skaters that deserved all the pride, maybe I was just too confident in myself and pushed myself way over the limit only to not being able to handle it in the end.

I really was an idiot.

--------🐶-----------🐻-----------🐱---------

I sighed a tired sigh and trudged out of the cramped train, I looked around the familiar train platform, had it really been five years since I left? My huge winter jacket made it almost difficult to walk in so I was grateful to see that escalators were added. I removed my mask, my heart heavy, I missed my home so much.

As I made it to the bottom of the escalator I was surprised to see posters of me on the walls. "Ah Yuuri you're finally back after five long years!" a cheerful voice squealed which startled me greatly, I turned around to see a familiar woman standing with a banner with my name imprinted on it within her hands. "Welcome back Yuuri!" she smiled and spun in a circle. "T-this really isn't necessary Minako." I stammered. "But thanks."

People then began to stare at us. "Hey! Isn't that Yuuri the ice skater?" one asked, I instantly panicked as more people began to point and talk about me. My heart sped up with anxiety.  "They're making fun of you." I frantically looked around, my breathing becoming short and quick. "Welcome young man, please let me shake your hand." I was shaken from my panicked state and tried to refuse but Minako took a tight grip on my wrist and forced me to shake their hand saying that Victor was always nice to his fans.

I frowned it's great to know that he at least acknowledges his fans. Arriving home I greeted my family and settled in, at first I was hesitant to remove my thick jacket, I was literally sweating buckets with all the heat and layering of clothing. Minako noticed my discomfort. "So Yuuri, you got a pot belly hidden under that bulky coat?" she scowled. "A-ah no!" I quickly shook my head. "Alright off with the jacket then!" she tackled me. "W-wait!" I stammered.

I shivered as the layers of jackets and clothing were removed from my body leaving me in my casual attire of jeans and a worn T-shirt. "O-oh.." my mother and Minako stared at me with wide eyes, I shamefully looked away. I mean I guess they were expecting me to be all skin with tons of meat on my bones, but during my college years I was mostly teased and bullied for my weight and other imperfections. So I decided to drop a few pounds and ate less, the bullying never stopped until I finally graduated from that horrid place.

My mom shrieked and offered a pork cutlet bowl, with the worried frown on her face I couldn't refuse. "Mom...before I eat can I.." I looked over at a certain room. "Of course dear, go pay your respects." She gave me a pitiful smile, I nodded and entered the room that held Victor's shrine, I sat on my knees and clasped my hands together. "Vicchan I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

I was interrupted by a familiar tired voice. "So you really did come huh?" I  turned. "Mari hi, sorry for coming at such short notice you must be busy." She shrugged and grabbed a cigarette from her pack. "So are you planning to help out in the springs now? Or will you still keep on skating?" she lit the cigarette and took a long draft, the smoke made my nose and throat itch and caused me to cough. "...you look different." She eyed me up and down. "You lost quite a lot of weight." She whistled.

I grasped at the hem of my shirt. "I..I haven't decided on what to do yet," I stated quickly changing the subject. "Right, think about it then okay? Also, take a dip in the hot springs, looks like you'll need it." And with that, she was gone. After a comforting soak in the bathhouse, I returned home to see a drunk Minako watching the same old channel, my heart stopped at the sight of Victor Nikiforov. "He really is amazing.." I blurted out.  "Now you know what I'm talking about!" Minako slurred, I looked down. Did I really want to go back to skating again?

I shrugged on my jacket and reluctantly jogged out. "I'll be back soon mom," I called out. I soon found myself in the familiar skating rink and saw Yuuko, my childhood friend, "hey Yuuko, long time no see." I chuckled nervously it took her a while to realize who I was. "Yuuri! Oh my goodness I couldn't even tell it was you! I missed you so much what brings you here?" I shrugged off my jacket. "I was wondering if you'd allow me to skate, you know like old times." I looked at her with a gentle smile.

Soon enough I found myself on the ice rink with Yuuko watching from afar, I took a deep breath and began with Victor's signature opening and then glided across the ice moving my body with my emotion, I prepared myself. I jumped, a quadruple Lutz and landed sloppily almost losing my footing. I continued on remembering how Victor moved, a quadruple flip, fell but got back up in an instant. The air time and spins were perfect though.

My heart was filled with so many emotions and flowed out my body as I skated, I spun trying hard to keep my balance steady. I really was useless to everyone after my big fail, I attempt the quad Salchow my landing was a bit off but I got it perfectly. My heart faltered but I continued, double axle, toe loop. I was pouring out every emotion from my body, a triple Lutz followed by a triple flip. Last quad quadruple toe loop followed with a triple toe loop.

I was finally finished, tears blurred my vision but with the last ounce of energy I attempted a combination spin, my heart ached with such deep emotion and as I finished with a graceful pose I could feel something deep inside my heart, something different.

I breathed heavily and looked at Yuuko who cheered for me. "That was amazing! You were just like Victor!" she squealed happily, I skated toward her. "You know I thought you'd be depressed, after everything that happened." She mumbled and twiddled her thumbs. I looked down. "Actually I still am.," I mumbled. "But when I skated I felt as if I could let all my negative thoughts and feelings out." I looked at her, sadness filled her eyes.

She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted when three little mischievous girls appeared, Yuuko's and Takeshi's daughters I introduced myself to them and looked at my watch. "Oh no, I'm sorry Yuuko I really have to go. Thank you for letting me skate though I really appreciate it!" I threw off the skates and placed them back in their place before slipping on my shoes and running back home. I really hoped for a comfortable night's sleep. But oh did god have a surprise for me.