10 Seth May 15, 2020

The unseasonably hot weather made working outside of the office a real doozy today, but the sight that greets me when I walk in the door distracts from the uncomfortable salt stiff shirt stuck to my back.

My oldest daughter, Sydney, is at the table, the kind of laughter that leaves your belly sore filling the dining room. Her hand is clutching the bicep of the nerdy young man sitting to her left. My younger kids, Morgan and Caleb, are across from them, laughing along. While my pillar, my wife, Shannon, stands watching from the kitchen with a dreamy smile on her lips.

My heart softens at the peacefulness she radiates when all of our kids are home. I mirror her position in the doorway, soaking up the joy of my family good-naturedly laughing at Syd's poor boyfriend. In this moment, I fully understand why they're her happy place.

Young love fills the air around Sydney as she listens to her guest retell the story of how they met.

I've arrived in time to find out he sprayed her favorite leather journal with black ink in the middle of an early morning class they shared. Apparently, the poor guy was on the receiving end of quite the ass-chewing until she got a good look at him. He had bitten a pen, and the ink dripping down his chin had stained his face with a devil-like goatee.

"In my defense, that journal was beautiful, and I was exhausted!" Everyone laughs harder when Sydney tries to justify her bad attitude. "Hey! You know how I get when I'm tired!"

"Oh, trust me, we all know." My wife walks over, laying her hands on our girl and her beau's shoulders. "If you two are going to make it, you're going to need to let her get at least nine solid hours every night."

Chuckling, she adds, "We used to flip a coin to see who had to wake her on Christmas morning. While those two were chomping at the bit to tear into their gifts, we'd have to drag this grumpy bear to the tree."

"Those little chocolate orange slices make it worth the early day," Sydney smiles.

Seeing my daughter so carefree sends a ping to my chest. She looks so much like her mother at that age. The last time we were together. It makes me wonder what Erin would look like now. Would she have those little silver hairs at her temples as Shannon does? Or would she have let vanity prevail and kept her hair dark? Her mother, Sydney's grandmother, has had salt and pepper hair since I met her back when I was in high school.

When Erin disappeared almost eighteen years ago, I never dreamed my life would turn out so full despite such a loss.

For years there were candlelight vigils; we combed the woods exhaustively and followed each and every lead no matter how absurd. Every tip was another dead-end. Finally, the day came when I had to accept that my wife was not going to be found.

I didn't intend to fall in love with Shannon but our paths kept crossing, and she was always so genuinely kind. She never treated me like I was broken. It was refreshing when everyone else tiptoed around me like they were walking on eggshells.

We had a long journey from friendship into a partnership and the slow burn into the comfortable love we share now happened naturally. Being near Shannon is like that moment when the sun breaks through the clouds after a week of rainy days.

She was such a blessing in those first few years when I struggled to take care of Sydney on my own and has continued to be the thing that grounds me in the years that followed.

_____________________

Shannon may as well have been an angel when she walked toward me that day at the diner. My father-in-law and I were awkwardly standing near the restrooms, trying to decide the best course of action.

Sydney was screaming that she needed to pee 'right now!'. At that point, I still needed a cane to balance myself, so I was a clumsy mess and couldn't handle the angry preschooler alone. Erin's dad was not willing to walk into the ladies' room. I don't think my face has ever been as red as it was the day Shannon rescued me.

Trying to convince a four-year-old to go into the men's room with me goes down as one of my most embarrassing moments.

Shannon was there picking up lunch to take back to everyone at the office when she unexpectedly became my heroine. Without missing a beat, she handed David the bags of food and kneeled to Syd.

"Well, hello, I was just about to take a trip to the restroom, but your daddy and his cane seem to be blocking the door. What do you say we scoot him over and head in for a potty break?"

I was feeling inadequate and embarrassed. I couldn't even take my kid to the restroom. This girl had to step in and save my butt. When they came out holding hands, chatting about Shannon's pretty pink nail polish, all was well again.

Shannon handed her over with a promise that she'd paint her nails the next time they saw each other. Then she took her bags and was gone before I could thank her.

The next time I saw her was the night before Thanksgiving.

"Well, look at you getting around with no cane!"

I laughed self consciously. "Yeah, all the physical therapy is starting to pay off. I need to be able to keep up with this one." I say, reaching for the little pixie trying to climb up onto the half-empty pie display. Shannon was closer and effortlessly snatched her up. She was quick, but not quick enough. The apple pie Sydney had been reaching for crashed to the floor, splattering our feet.

"Shit. I'm sorry, Shannon." I was on the verge of breaking down. Barely able to hold myself together as I painfully tried and failed to squat down so I could scoop up the mess my child made.

It was all too much. I'd never imagined I would be raising my child alone at the age of twenty-four. I missed my wife so much. We were supposed to be in this together. We were partners, damn it.

Shannon set the squirming little girl in the shopping cart, put her hands on my shoulders, and looked me in the eyes. "You are doing a great job with her, Seth. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. This is a unique situation, and no one expects you to handle everything perfectly all the time."

She didn't know how much I needed to hear those words. I felt like all I did was mess up anymore. "Thank you, Shannon. I really appreciate you being so kind."

I swallowed the lump that had lodged itself in my throat and blinked a couple of times to ensure the tears building up didn't spill over. "I never did thank you for helping at the diner this summer."

"Pshhh, it wasn't a big deal." She bent down, scooping the ruined pie back into the mangled plastic container without a second thought. " I still need to paint this little beauty's nails, though. A promise is a promise. Right?"

She winked at my daughter while smoothing her messy hair out of her face, like it was the most natural thing to do.

"I keep a bottle of the sparkly stuff in my desk at the office. You should bring Sydney by. I'll be there helping dad all week. He's so behind on everything paperwork-related. They never did find anyone to replace me when I left for school, so it's a real mess. He and Brandon are about as useful as tits on a boar when it comes to clerical work."

"TITS!"

Shannon's eyes popped wide in horror at Sydney's proclamation until I burst into laughter.

"Oh my God, I am so sorry Seth!"

She reluctantly joined in when I couldn't catch my breath.

Sydney's tiny face scrunched up in confusion as she looked between the two of us, which made us both laugh even harder.

The fit of laughter felt good. It reminded me that it'd been months since I'd connected with another human my age. I was always with Sydney or Erin's parents. I tried to keep things light for Sydney, but there was still a cloud of dread looming over us. Like at any second, there would be a grim-faced officer knocking on the door, confirming our worst fears.

"No worries. It's been a while since I've had a good laugh. Thank you for everything. Maybe we will swing by this week. Happy Thanksgiving"

"I hope you do. I know my Dad would love to see you. Happy Thanksgiving."

____________________

Shannon was the sun, warming everything she touched. If I hadn't taken her up on her offer, I can't imagine the cold life Sydney and I would have lived on our own. Things were starting to get hard at that point. Bills were piling up, disability was about to run out. I wasn't going to be able to keep up a happy charade for Sydney much longer.

After that visit to Cal, I ended up working in the office doing Shannon's job while she was away at school. Which led to me emailing her frequently for directions. She was right; her dad and brother were utterly useless in the office.

Over those two years, the emails turned into texts and then phone calls. Gradually those calls became less business-related and more for the enjoyment of hearing each other's voices. I loved to listen to her talk about life at school, and she was always up for a funny story about Syd. Or to talk me through a bad day. By the time she graduated and came home to take her job back, I was ready to ask her on a date.

Cal supported our relationship from the get-go. He reassured me that I deserved to be happy. Erin would want that for me and Sydney.

When Shannon came home, he moved me into an inspector's position without a second thought. Her entire family welcomed Sydney and me with open arms. It was like we had always belonged with them.

Shannon and I were married in 2005. We welcomed our little Irish Twins, Caleb and Morgan, in February and December of 2006.

I wasn't sure how Erin's family would react to our marriage, and to be frank, it wasn't always easy. They never said anything directly to Shannon but I got an earful about dishonoring my wedding vows by moving on. But, we're all in a good place now. After three years with no new information, I knew Erin wasn't coming back. Once they realized the same, they accepted Shannon and our babies as their own.

The conversation in the dining room was still going strong as I stepped into the space. Sydney saw me first and hopped right up. "Hi, Dad. This is my boyfriend, Devin."

She hugs herself into my side while keeping her eyes glued to him, grinning like a fool in love. I can't help but admire the young man's confidence when he stands and clasps my palm with a firm grip.

Shannon rushes me upstairs to take a shower, telling me there were still fifteen minutes until dinner was ready and to wash up.

I pad down the stairs several minutes later to see that the table has been set in my absence.

"Smells delicious in here. Where's Mom?" I ask, taking my place at the head of the table.

Caleb is trying to speak around the garlic bread hanging out of his mouth when Morgan interrupts, shoving her open palm into the side of his head, her face displaying disgust. "Her phone rang a second ago. I think she's in the living room."

On cue, Shannon rounds the corner into the dining area, her eyes unseeing and breath shaking, the phone still pressed tightly to her ear.

"I'm on my way."