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A BOWL OF CEREAL stares back at Nellie as she swivels the spoon around it. Carl sits across from her at the dining table, shoving his own cereal into his mouth rapidly.

          Nellie feels somewhat better knowing Rick will be okay and her mom is alive but those they lost still spin in her mind. She wonders where Sadie and Koa are, where Maggie and Glenn are. But—she did get her first night of full sleep in days thanks to her mom occupying the space next to her.

       Carl furrows his brows at Nellie, "You don't like stale Cinnamon Toast Crunch?" He asks, still crunching the food in his mouth. Nellie snaps out of it, brown eyes meeting his blue ones. She manages a chuckle, "Don't eat with your mouth full. That's rude."

           "So is not eating the food I prepared for you," Carl gestures to the bowl of cereal. "Prepared? Comical, Carl. You poured a bowl of cereal," Nellie sighs, scooping a spoonful into her mouth. The floor boards to the dining room creak and soon enough, Michonne turns the corner in an oversized white button up top. Nellie and Carl both laugh, trying to hide their opinion with cereal but it doesn't go unnoticed by the mother.

              Michonne places three water bottles on the table, stepping back to give them a better view of the shirt. "Do you two have something to say about my extremely comfortable and attractive shirt?" Michonne teases, raising an eyebrow as she rolls up it's sleeves.

        "No, no. It's great," Carl laughs.

        "You look like you're about to start a war with England," Nellie comments. Carl can't back his laugh any longer. A string of giggles erupt from his lips while Michonne sends a fake glare towards her daughter. Nellie bites the inside of her cheek, the right side of her face unable to fight the smile forming. "Oh, you missed a....," Carl points to a button. Michonne takes a seat at the end of the table, right beside the two kids.

         "Wish we had some—"

          "Don't say soy milk," Nellie cuts her mom off with a groan of disgust, "That shit is nasty." Michonne tilts her side to the side, smirking at Nellie, "Soy milk. I wish I had soy milk." Nellie gags, sticking her tongue out and pointer finger hovering in front of her mouth. "Seriously? Soy milk?" Carl judges along with Nellie. "She's deadly serious," Nellie adds.

            Michonne scoffs, "Have you ever tried it?" She asks Carl. A wide, toothy grin spreads across the boy's face, "My best friend in third grade, he was allergic to dairy. And every day he would bring this soy stuff to lunch. I tried it."

"And?" The Hawthorne women question at the same time. "I threw up!" Carl admits with pure laughter. Nellie chokes on her cereal at the Grimes' story, coughing as she imagines little Carl barfing all over the cafeteria. "Oh, yeah, right," Michonne grunts in disbelief.

          "Alright, alright. I almost threw up," Carl corrects. "Oh, that's no fun," Nellie rolls her eyes. "No, no. I was like—agh!" Carl fake pukes into his bowl, "It was so gross."

              "It is gross. She tried to trick me by putting it in my cereal as a kid and I'd just refuse to eat," Nellie giggles at the memories in that little apartment as a kid, when it was just her and her mom for a while. Michonne crosses her arms, "You just love disagreein' with me."

          "No. Soy milk is gross," Nellie smiles. "Yeah. Literally, I would rather have powered milk than to have to drink that stuff again," Carl laughs, "I would rather have Judith's formula—"

         The room freezes. Judith's name drop makes Nellie rest her spoon on the table, eyes bouncing between her mom and Carl and they both have the same heartbroken, lost expressions. Carl's eyes that were full of light a second ago are now stitched together and glossy as he internally fights tears. Michonne is staring forward, that moment of happiness with the two kids gone in a second.

          Nellie gulps, jaw clenched as she pushes the bowl away from her. The loss of appetite was imminent as she remembers that bloody baby carrier.

        Sensing the atmosphere change, Carl excuses himself, pushing the chair away and running upstairs.

       Nellie glances at her mom, "Just—leave him be."

        "He reminds me of you," Michonne speaks quietly, "I know the procedure. Don't worry," She gently pushes her chair out, leaving Nellie alone in the room. A shaky breath enters her lungs, her mind falls on that stuffed mouse. Quickly, she shuffles out of the dining room and to her bag. Those beady eyes stare back at her and like a scared child she holds the limp plushy to her chest.

         'I know the procedure.' The words ring in her head. The day she left her mom to watch the Grimes men she promised to Koa and Sadie she'd never let them go through her pain, the loss of a brother and father. The night they thought Rick had turned, Nellie was ready to shoot Rick for Carl's well-being, telling herself it was for the Finch sister's as well.

        Tears fall on the gray fur of the mouse. Nellie gasps, sniffling before wiping them. If he reminds her mom of him, is Carl doomed to hate humanity too? Live that cold life that Nellie lived with for months until Sadie warmed it up?

           Before she even realizes it, Nellie is upstairs and at the door to the room Carl has deemed as his. She creaks open the door, seeing the boy invested in a comic book on the bed. His head spins to see who it is, looking in confusion when he sees it's Nellie.

          "What?" Carl asks, looking back down at the comic book. "You gotta save some of these for Koa," Nellie points to the pile of books Carl has found. The boy shifts uncomfortably at the name, still not looking up at her. Nellie sighs, stepping fully into the blue walled room and takes a seat next to Carl. He doesn't move away from her but still his eyes are locked onto Spider-Man on the pages.

       "Or you could let me borrow them," Nellie tries. She is truly trying her hardest with him. She's not Koa or Sadie, that keeps pounding in the back of her head like a mantra. Carl finally looks at her, "You'd like Wonder Woman more."

         "I watched Spider-Man."

         "Completely different," Carl retorts with an eye roll. Nellie shrugs, leaning back against the pillows, "Eh. Think I got the gist. Nerdy kid loses someone and becomes a superhero."

      "It's so much more. There's so much they leave out of those movies," Carl sighs as if she should know this. But Nellie just smiles to herself, hoping it puts him in a better mood to talk about comics rather than his dead baby sister. "Alright, if you became superhero—what would be the reason? Why'd you put on the suit, hm?" Nellie playfully nudges him. Carl leans back against the wall as well, eyes on the ceiling as he thinks. After a beat, he has an answer.

      "Because I'm the nerdy kid who lost—people," Carl places the book down. Nellie's eyes widen, realizing she did the exact thing she was hoping not to. Her fingers play with each other in her lap as she tries to find the right words—not too sure if there are any. Any false hope might drive him to insanity, no hope will drive him to insanity.

              She clears her throat, "But against all odds the hero prevails, right? Forms a team and they kick ass," Nellie fake punches his side and Carl sighs at her actions. She sits up and his eyes flutter open to her and a small smile adorned on her face.

        "We are a team. We kick ass," Nellie points between the two of them, "Others can always join the team whenever they want."

        "Koa was on it first," Carl is quick to say. Nellie's shoulders drop. She doesn't want him to think she's trying to replace Koa or Sadie, those are big shoes to fill that Nellie doesn't think she'll ever fit into. "She's still on it," Nellie whispers sweetly.

              Carl takes a deep breath and a tension settles on the air. The feeling of unknown grief, not knowing if they should be grieving those left behind or using the last of their hope to wish for them to come home.

            "Hey," Michonne calls out from the doorway, "Supply run?" Without a word to Nellie, Carl hopes off the bed and begins to gather his things. Nellie moves off the bed as well, walking passed her mom and down the stairs to grab her own things.

All Nellie can think is how much better is at this than her, how she misses her first proper best friend besides her mom, how she misses her advice and stupid shit she'd say just to get a small chuckle from Nellie. She knows in this moment that Sadie would tell her she's fine, he's a 13 year old kid going through a lot and she's doing fine given the circumstances.

                        But even as Nellie tries to tell herself the words, they don't bring the warmth that makes her it believe it. Unknowingly, Nellie had formed her own team with the Finch sister's, Beth and Carl. The weight of her friends not being around is finally starting to get to her.

            Once the three have their things for the run, they head towards the door. Rick stands in the doorway, "How long you think you'll be?" He asks. Nellie examines his words silently. His eye is much less swollen now, his nose was less battered looking and skin less like a walker's but more so of a man who got socked a few times. He can walk a lot more stable now and even smile without wincing.

           "Fill a couple bags, shouldn't be too long," Michonne replies. Rick sighs, looking down at a clock, "It's 8:15 now."

         "Givin' us a curfew?" Nellie teases, nose scrunched from the sun hitting her face. Rick chuckles, "Just don't want y'all out too long—get too far incase somethin' happens," He shrugs. "We'll be back by noon," Michonne assures him. With a deep breath that sounds like he believes her, Rick turns to Carl, "You follow their lead. You understand?" He asks even though it won't be questioned by Carl. He hands over his revolver.

        Rick looks over his son, "Hey. Everything okay?"

     Carl quickly glances at Nellie and a bolt of guilt hits her chest. She might've messed up earlier trying to make him feel better. "Yeah.....just hungry," Carl responds. Rick clearly doesn't believe him but he knows he probably shouldn't push him, something Nellie now feels like she did. "Alright, see you in a couple hours," Rick gently shakes his son's shoulder.

         Nellie spins to go down the stairs but Rick gently grabs hold of her forearm. She looks down at his hand and then him. Rick gives her a small smile, "Be careful, alright?"

        "Don't worry. He'll be fine," Nellie smiles back. Rick chuckles, shaking his head, "No, you be careful as well. I don't you hurt either, alright?" Nellie gulps, realizing he's telling her to be careful. Not to keep an eye on Carl and be careful but that he doesn't want her hurt either. She shouldn't be so surprised, right? She lived with him for 5 months, took care of him with Carl on the road.

         A warmth so warm it hurts her chest fills in her. Affection. A dad. Affection from a dad. Daddy issues always prevail as well, apparently.

      Now the third man to fill the dark void her biological one left.

           "I will," Nellie chokes out, following Carl and Michonne down the sidewalk.

          WITH A FILLED BAG, the three leave their fourth house of the day. The heat is stronger now to it being later in the day. But the small breeze helps counter balance it. Honestly, if the dead weren't walking the Earth, this would be the kind of day Nellie would draw outside at the park with music blasting from her iPod.

         If Nellie found and iPod maybe she'd be happier with the conditions of the world.

        "Find anything good? Candy bars? Comic books? Crazy Cheese?" Michonne ask the two. Nellie gasps in excitement, "You found Crazy Cheese?"

               "I did indeed, baby," Michonne smiles brightly at her daughter. "Huh? Crazy Cheese?" Carl questions cluelessly. Michonne rummages through her bag before whipping out the canned cheese, "Bam! Crazy Cheese! Found it still sealed and everything! Now, I'll be nice and let you have first pull."

             Nellie goes to grab at it but Michonne swiftly move sher hands, "Hold on, greedy!" SHe giggles. Nellie pouts, "This is bullshit."

         "You are dramatic. He's never had the magical experience that is Crazy Cheese, Nells," Michonne gently shoves her daughter's shoulder in which Nellie returns the action.

              "No, thanks," Carl declines the offer. The mom and daughter share a genuinely concerned look. They'd never turn down such an offer. "Are you sure?" Michonne asks. "Like, really sure?" Nellie adds as they walk further into the woods.

            "I'm fine," Carl speaks quietly. Nellie sighs, stopping herself from pouring out apologizes for earlier. "You don't seem fine," Michonne says and they stop in their tracks. Nellie stands beside her mom, giving the same knowing look as her. "I'm just tired," He lies and begins to walk. Michonne sucks on her teeth and puts a pointer finger to her lips, telling Nellie to be quiet. The teen furrows her brows but complies, being as quiet as possible as they run up behind Carl.

              As soon as they're next to him, Michonne cracks open the Crazy Cheese, squirting it messily into her mouth. Cheese is pouring out of her mouth as looks at Carl, hissing like a walker. Nellie giggles at her mom but her smile quickly drops when Carl doesn't even react, walking away from the two.

                    Michonne swallows in borderline embarrassment. Nellie sighs, grabbing the cheese bottle, "It made me laugh," She says, squirting it into her mouth. She smiles at the taste of old normalcy. Michonne nods, "I thought it was pretty funny," She wipes the remaining cheese off her lips as they follow a sulking Carl to the next house.

          "I'm sorry. I'm not very good at making boys your age laugh," Michonne apologies, wiping dust off the windows of the door with a knock. "I was laughing," Carl tells her, "Inside."

            "I think he's lying," Nellie retorts, earning a snarky eye roll from Carl. "Toddlers find me funny. Two, three year olds," Michonne says, looking right at Nellie, "And Nellie does."

            "That's because you guys are like the same person. It's scary," Carl comments. Nellie gasps in fake offense, "Oh, come on." Michonne knocks on the window anger when no walkers emerge. Carl knits his eyebrows together in realization, looking up at both women, "What do you mean toddlers?" Nellie's heart skips a beat, she was hoping he wouldn't catch onto the sudden mention of her mom getting along with toddlers.

             Michonne's shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath, looking towards Nellie as if for permission to talk about Andre. Nellie clenches her jaw. Nodding from behind Carl for her mom to go on.

           Michonne glances back down on Carl, "I had a three year old son and he happened to find me extremely funny," She smiles at the memories. Nellie's throat feels tight again. She can suddenly feel Carl's eyes lingering on her as her mom gets the front door open. Nellie makes eye contact with him but looks away, not wanting to hear his questions about her brother. They walk into the house, which somehow stayed remarkably clean during all this. Probably the cleanest Nellie has seen since this all started.

          "Okay, we need, food, batteries, water—in that order," Michonne tells them. She begins to rummage through a drawer while Nellie begins to open old cabinets. "Why didn't you ever tell me you had a kid? Or a brother?" He turns to Nellie. Fists clenched, Nellie stands up straight, begging her mom to handle this one. She clearly could not earlier.

       But Michonne justs shrugs. And Nellie turns away.

         "What was his name?" Carl begins his questions, "Besides Nellie, were there any others? Were you married?" Nellie internally flinches at every question, biting her tongue and planting her feet to stop herself from running away. Michonne stops looking through the drawers, "Okay. I'll answer one question at a time. One room at a time. And only after we've cleared it. Is that okay, Nells?" She asks softly. It was bound to happen. One of them, down the line, would have told Carl or someone else about Andre.

       Nellie nods a quick yes with a shaky, painful breath. Michonne waits for Carl to also shake his head a quick yes and she goes off into another area of the house. Carl faces Nellie, noticing her now stand offish mood change. She chews on the inside of her cheeks, "Come on," She gestures for him to follow.

        "WHAT WAS YOUR SON'S name?" Carl asks again now that the house is almost cleared. Michonne's eyes linger on a painting of a gray and brown bunny sharing a carrot, a fond smile across her face.

                     "I said after," Michonne says. "Well, these are actually separate rooms and we already cleared that one, so...." Carl sasses. Nellie tries her best to hide her snort but it slips out, making her cover her mouth.

                 Michonne turns slightly to face the two, "Andre. His name was Andre Anthony," She finally replies. The name is like a knife to Nellie's heart but she keeps her composure. She might have lost a brother but her mom lost a son, one of her baby's. A pain Nellie can't yet imagine.

             Michonne begins to walk away, "Make sure there isn't a box of cookies in there," She points to the drawers. Nellie stays by Carl, secretly hoping her mom left that box of cookies she didn't find in there. "Was it just Nellie and Andre?" Carl questions. "Rules of the game, my friend," Michonne calls out from the hall. Nellie tuts when the only thing they find is far too many mints. They follow after her mom.

           "So? Was it just them?' Carl insists on asking. Michonne scoffs, "You know, you could be a spy. Or a cop."

                  Carl crosses his arms, trying his best to look intimidating but it only makes Nellie also scoff in response. Michonne sees his stance and sighs deeply, "No. Just them," She smiles adoringly at Nellie, "Andre was a handful, like you," She pinches Carl's arm.

         "Was Nellie annoying as a child, too?" Carl snarks. Nellie blinks, "That's another question, same room," She points to her mom, "Don't answer that." Michonne shakes her head at the two, eyes trailing the homemade art work on the walls. "Does this hallway count as a room?" The boy inquires impatiently. "If you can find something we can use," Michonne answers.

               Carl spins around, looking through drawers for supplies. Nellie steps closer to her mom, "He's funny."

            "Just six months ago you hated him," Michonne whispers, still looking at the paintings. Nellie clicks her tongue, "He grew on me."

             "You okay with him knowing?" Michonne seeks. Nellie looks over at Carl as he desperately tries to find something, "One of us was gonna tell him at some point." He grabs a wrapped painting off the wall, carrying it over almost smugly, "I couldn't find anything else. Does this count?" Michonne grabs the art, "Technically, yes."

       Carl stands back, "How long has it been?"

           Nellie doesn't know if the answer is too long or not long enough.

                 Michonne swallows hard, grabbing hold of Nellie's hand gently, "It happened after—you know, after everything happened." Carl nods in understanding, "Does my dad know?'

           "Never told him," Michonne replies quickly. Nellie bites her lip, "I may have hinted at it but it was when he was on death's door so he might not remember," Nellie glances down at her mom's thumb that has stopped forming soothing circles on her skin. Michonne inhales, "Never told anyone—till just now."

          A faint smile pushes Carl's freckles up before he looks towards the Hawthorne women. "Your secret is safe with me," Carl tenderly tells them. Nellie stays quiet, no words able to leave her mouth as she recalls that day. The way she fell to the ground on her knees, having to get her mom off the floor after she managed to herself.

             "It's not really a secret," Michonne says. Carl lifts one shoulder, a gentle smile still raising his freckles cheeks, "It's still safe with me."

               For some reason, Nellie has to stop herself from crying. Her mom begins the soothing circles again, feeling her daughter's breath hitch. "Let's see what he got us, huh? Maybe it's worth some money," Michonne jokes as she takes off the protective paper. As soon as it's revealed, Nellie feels like she's in a horror movie.

          A painting of a blonde woman stares back at them but it's vandalized. There's a black X painted over her eye with black and red scribbles littering the art. Both women look right towards the door in the hallway and at the door where Carl found it.

            Nellie gets her cleaver out while Michonne readies her sword, making sure to keep Nellie behind her. Their boots make the wood creak with every small step, breaths held for what they might find.

           Michonne twists the door open to a clean bathroom, no murder scene to be found like Nellie thought. Children's decor is across the counter. A little boy's dream bathroom. Nellie notices another door behind her and carefully twists the knob open to a playroom decked out in all the toys one could want. Things Andre should have had. But—no danger.

               Quietly, they walk through another door, opening it to a bright pink room that basically blinds Nellie. She groans as they step in further, keeping each other at a quick hand grab length. Michonne walks ahead but suddenly stops, "Nellie, turn around—"

                 "Why—" Nellie shuffles in further but immediately regrets it. Two beds face her, both occupied by the dead family that once owned this home. Two little girl's bodies lay hand in hand, skin decayed and eyes sunken in while still in their beloved princess dresses. Nellie gulps, hand over her stomach as she stares at the parents in the other bed. She gazes around the room, jumping with a low yelp when she sees another woman's dead body slumped in the rocking chair.

         Michonne jumps as well at the sight. Blood splatter sticks to the pink painted wall next to the dead body. Her hair color matches the painting.

            "Mom, can we go?" Nellie asks so high pitched she reminds herself of a child. "Yes, now," Michonne grabs hold of Nellie, dragging her back to the playroom.

         "Michonne? Nellie?" Carl calls out and they both shut the door, standing against it to shield him from the horrors. He sees the terror on their faces quickly, "Everything okay?"

                    They exchange a glance and a gulp. "It's fine," Nellie replies, standing closer to the door as he gets closer. He narrows his eyes on them, not believing them. "There's a baby in there," Carl states. "It's a dog," Michonne lies. He doesn't believe the two as his head begins to look down, giving a Nellie view of the top of his cowboy hat.

              "My dad let me name her," Carl speaks gently. Nellie ducks her down as well now, eyes glued to her distressed boots.

           "Maybe—maybe her and Andre are together somewhere."

           Instantly, tears spring to Nellie's eyes, heart thudding. Not out of sadness, out of love. Out of pure love for Carl's words. She wipes the tears, glancing over at her mother who is also fighting back tears. She lets a bright smile fall across her face at the idea.

           Michonne gently grabs hold of Nellie's hand, "Come on, you two. It's almost noon. Your dad will wonder where we are if we're late." Their hands fall apart but Nellie grabs Carl's shoulder, rubbing soothing circles just like her mother taught her.

———

late night post BOOM