Every day in the Glade, I had those thoughts of 'how much easier would it be if I wasn't here?'

But once Gracy came in that box, I barely ever had those thoughts.

Gracy has been in the glade for five months now. And every day I felt closer to her. Maybe it was her constant positivity. Maybe it was her gorgeous brown hair that fell to her shoulders.

Or maybe it was those eyes. It was hard not to look at them and admire them. Her eyes not only held two stunning colors, but they held her personality. You could see she was happy even when she wasn't smiling. You could see she was tired even when she acted fine.

She was amazing. Up until she came in the box, I had a hard time finding happiness. Now I would just find her when I needed lifting up. Of course, I've never told her that.

But you could say I love her.

It was my day off from running, so I decided to chat with Gracy, maybe tell her what I've been feeling since the day she came up in that box.

And she must've had a similar idea, because she was walking towards me with the usual smile on her face.

"Someone is happy today" I said as she approached.

"Well, that's because I had a brilliant idea" she responded.

"And what is it?" I asked.

"You could make me a runner. You and Minho are my best friends and I would love to be a runner with you guys." She told me.

She couldn't be a runner. It's too dangerous, didn't she see the buggin griever? Wasn't that enough to keep her out? "Umm, I'll have to think about it, Gracy. It's a dangerous job- only the best of the best" I answered.

Her smile faltered and I turned and started walking towards the homestead.

"But Newt," she grabbed my shoulder,
"I could-," before she could finished, I turned around to face her. My hands met her shoulders and I shoved her backwards.

"You aren't going to be a bloody runner" I snapped. Gracy stumbled backwards and fell. Then she looked up at me with a hurt expression.

Realization at what I just did flooded through me and guilt hit me like a rock,"Gracy, I-,"

"I get it Newt." She scrambled to her feet and dusted her hands off, "I see why you and Minho are runners. You know, best of the best" she shrugged and forced a weak smile, but I could see the tears behind her eyes.

"Gracy" I whispered as she walked away. She was my pride and joy. But I had broken the pride and shattered the joy.

I stood there, watching her walk away. Then I wandered over to a bench near the west entrance and sat down, thinking.

The best of the best. So why was I one? If I managed to hurt someone I loved dearly, I'm clearly not the best. I shouldn't be a bloody runner. I shouldn't even be here.

All those thoughts that were lost because if Gracy, they all came flooding back. Worse than that were before.

How could Gracy be so positive all the time? She was always smiling. We were trapped in a giant maze, and she was happy. If only I could do that.

Except shes not happy right now. And it's my fault.

I'm not ever sad. I'm just not ever happy. I've forgotten how to feel emotions, Gracy is the closest thing I get to happiness. But now that I hurt her, how will I feel anything again?

I stood from the bench and walked toward the maze entrance. I stared out into the maze for a second, then I ran inside.

Sure if was my day off, but I was a runner. Nobody will care anyway. No one ever has cared.