My body froze and my mind went blank. All I could feel was the soft touch of his sweet lips on my own and his warm hands, one on my waist and the other moving to the back of my neck, tugging us closer. All I could hear was my heart beating louder. The room faded from my vision until Louis was everything I saw.

We lay there for a minute, both of us surprised to be kissing the other. I was sure he’d done it as a total accidental mistake, and he would regret it later. This may be the only time I was able to kiss him. Why wouldn’t my body wake up and kiss him back?

I felt him start to pull away, and the sensation of the slight loss of his touch caused me to let out a low whimper and free myself from the force binding my body to be motionless. I wrapped my arms around him, yanking him back into my chest and keeping the kiss going.

As Louis realized I was kissing him, I felt him stiffen. Oh, no. What had I done? He didn’t love me the way I loved him. To him, I was his best friend who he’d accidentally touched lips with. I just had to ruin it by full on kissing him. But who could blame me? His soft lips were so tempting already, and once they touched mine I wasn’t fully in control any longer. I let my body and my heart’s desires take over, just this once.

The kiss was becoming more awkward as he was no longer reacting to me, as if he was either in shock or trying not to encourage me. I pulled away, releasing his body and rolling over so my back was to him. Curling my knees into my chest, I felt the tears begin to form.

Why was I so stupid? It was fine to love whoever I wanted. I was okay with the knowledge that I was in love with my best friend. But how could I be so naïve as to let myself believe, even for a second, that he returned those feelings? Of course he didn’t. He was Louis Tomlinson. He was gorgeous, and charming, and caring, and lovable. I was just Harry Styles, his closest band mate. Why would he fall for me?

A few tears ran down my face and I wiped them quickly, not wanting evidence of my crying. I was the stupid one. I’d actually let myself believe, in the moment of him drawing me closer in the heat of the original kiss, that he might love me. That I might have a fair chance at calling him mine. They always say not to count your chickens before they hatch, and I never quite understood what that meant. I sure do now.

I let myself get my hopes up, and now I was crushed. I felt rejected and disgusted with myself. Sure, I was in love with him, but did that make kissing him when he was clearly not interested okay?

I should’ve pulled away. I should’ve brushed it off as an accident, like a normal friend would’ve done. I should’ve made it into a joke. Anything except to kiss him deeper. My body began to shake with the effort of holding back violent sobs. I felt a gentle hand pull on my shoulder until I was forced to roll back over so I was facing Louis.

To my surprise, his face wasn’t filled with disgust or twisted with hate. He wasn’t glaring at me or shoving me away from him. He lay there next to me in all his perfection, staring down into my eyes with a mixture of what appeared to be concern, confusion, hope, and… was that love? Shining in his eyes.

I’d been expecting pain, physically and emotionally. I’d expected him to never want to see or speak to me again. Yet there he was, sitting concerned about the boy who just confused the heck out of him by kissing him.

“Haz? Are… are you all right?” he asked with a worried tone.

I thought about it. Was I all right? Not at all. I was in love with my best friend, who I’d just passionately kissed and who felt nothing for me. But could I really tell him that?

“Yes,” I lied.

He looked at me skeptically. “You’re shaking and have tear tracks on your face, but you expect me to believe nothing’s wrong?”

I forgot about the symptoms of my sobbing. “I don’t want to talk about it right now, Lou. I just want to lay down and relax and go to sleep warm and happy for once.” I didn’t realize how true that was until I said it. I just wanted the weight on my chest to be lifted so I could be happy again.

Louis wrapped his arm around me and I laid my head on his shoulder, my body pressed to his. I was, once again, enjoying the position a little too much, but I would do anything to be close to my Boo.

“Erm, Boo? Can we… erm… talk about it?” I ask, wanting to clear the air between us.

He shifts and says, “Talk about what?”

“You know… what just happened… the, erm, the kiss?” There, I said it. Now it’s up to him to decide what we do.

“Right, that,” he sounds uncomfortable on this subject, “was an accident, right? You didn’t mean to kiss me, did you?”

I sigh. “No, Lou, I didn’t. We both know it started as an accident, but… I know I froze at first, but you kissed me. You kissed me!” I accused him.

“Yeah, well, you bloody kissed me too! When I went to pull away!” he shot back.

“Did you mean anything by it?”

“You already know I’m bisexual, Haz. If you’re asking if I meant to kiss you, the answer is… no,” I swore I felt my heart shatter, “but if you’re asking if I enjoyed it the answer is, well… hell yeah. You’re a great kisser, Hazzabear. Who knew?” He chuckled dryly, obviously not amused by the fact that he kissed his best friend and he liked it.

He seemed to suddenly realize I was still silent. “What about you? And I thought you were straight…?” He raised an eyebrow at me.

“So straight guys can’t accidentally kiss another guy?” I ask defensively.

“Not like that, they don’t. You were full on kissing me, and you don’t seem disgusted. No straight guy I’ve ever met would have that reaction,” he explained. I’d dug myself into a hole, and I had to tell him something. I was feeling extremely guilty.

“Okay, you’re right. I’m not straight, and I don’t think I really ever was. I was just afraid of myself and afraid of losing my family and my friends if I admitted the truth. I was afraid you’d hate me, Lou.” That was close enough to the truth where he shouldn’t be able to tell it wasn’t the whole thing.

“Why didn’t you tell me when you found out I was bi? I’m obviously not homophobic; I’d be a hypocrite.” He looked hurt.

I sighed. “I was still worried. You should know how I feel, Boo. You went through a lot of the same things. I hadn’t fully accepted it yet, but now I have.”

“So? How was I?” He joked. I chuckled; glad we were going back into our usual banter.

“What do you mean, Boobear?” I asked, tracing patterns on his chest sleepily.

“Am I a good kisser?” This question makes me laugh.

“Are you joking? Boo, you’re the best person I’ve ever kissed,” I say, and I watch his face as he realizes my tone is serious.

His silly smile drops, to be replaced by a faint blush in his cheeks. Did I cause that? I smile back at him.

“Did you really mean that, Haz?”

“Yeah. I admit it, I like your kiss.” His grin widens, and I glance at him, confused.

“What’s that grin for?” I ask.

He sweetly responds, “Just because now I know that I’m not the only one thinking how great of a kisser my best friend is.”

“So you want to kiss me, then?” I ask excitedly.

“Now I do. God, Hazza, you got me addicted to your kisses!” As he finishes his sentence, he leans over and pecks my lips lightly and I feel my cheeks heat up as it’s his turn to chuckle.

“Boo? This is going to sound stupid, but what are we?” I want to know what he thinks, what he wants from me.

“I don’t know. All I know for sure is I’m Louis Tomlinson, I’m bisexual, and I’m addicted to my best friend’s kisses. Isn’t that enough for now?” I nod.

My love, the guy my heart beats for, just told me he likes my kiss and he wants to kiss me again. It may not exactly be a confession of love, but I feel the dangerous hope creeping back into my heart. If I can make him want to kiss me, then who says I can’t make him fall for me too? For the first time in weeks, I feel a real smile break out across my face.

Of course, Louis notices this. “Is that your big smile again? I’ve really missed that smile, Haz. What made you happy again?”

“You,” I grin as wide as I possibly can. “The way you care for me, and talked this through even though you could’ve left it alone. The way you didn’t give up on talking to me. Mostly, it was that you’re making me feel like I do belong with you boys, like I actually deserve to be here.” I don’t mention the kisses, but I know he realizes that’s a part of it too.

“Glad I could help, Hazzabear,” he mumbles before curling his body around my own. I feel my breath hitch for a second, wondering what he’s doing before my brain recognizes he’s settling down to sleep.

Now that we’ve admitted how we feel about it, we can kiss whenever we want. I can finally kiss my Boo, and he’ll kiss me back. I can pretend he really loves me and we’re in a happy relationship. I can cuddle up to him and he’ll pull me closer. I had a feeling I was going to have fun in whatever our new friendship boundaries were.

I pressed my lips to his for another quick kiss before dropping my head to his chest. He may not be in love with me, but he wants to kiss me. He wants me near him even when I’ve admitted I’m not straight and have been lying to him. He wants me to sleep in his bed with him, cuddled up. He may claim not to have any feelings for me, but I was going to change that.

Hope is a dangerous thing.