Louis and I had returned to our usual banter. We were constantly cracking jokes and making sarcastic romantic gestures, and we made sure that whenever we were out with the boys we were a bit closer than we used to be.

I still hadn’t had the courage to tell him I’d been feeling something different for him. As Liam had suggested, I’d been going to tell him I might have feelings for him. I wasn’t going to tell him I was in love with him though, because I was afraid it would put him into shock or scare him off and I couldn’t live knowing my Boobear was scared of me or hated me. It would just be impossible.

So here I was, taking the cowardly way out and secretly relishing the time we spend together. I get to hold his hand, intertwine our fingers, kiss his face and neck, give him love bites, and hug him close to me whenever I feel like it in public. He just assumes I’m playing it up for the cameras; he doesn’t know how badly I wish our public relationship could be what we really have, and he probably won’t ever find out.

I’ve also been avoiding being alone with Liam. He could tell something had changed. I caught him staring at me with an eyebrow raised multiple times, as if he was trying to solve a particularly difficult puzzle. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone that I was in love with Louis out loud yet, but I knew if I talked to him again he’d question me on what I’d done since our last talk and I’d end up spilling the beans. I also didn’t really want him trying to set Lou and me up or anything, because I was positive Louis didn’t feel the same way.

I knew I was torturing myself doing this. I was showing my true feelings only in front of the cameras, because I couldn’t force myself to tell my closest friends the truth. As soon as we got home, I would participate in whatever was happening but my mind would be somewhere else. I would be imagining what it could be like if Louis did like me.

We could come home and act the same way we did outside. I could cuddle up to him, stay by his side at all times, kiss him, or do anything else I wanted and nobody would find it strange. Nobody would reject me, or hate me, or be repulsed by my feelings.

I wished my life could just be simple and normal. A guy meets a girl, they date and fall in love and live happily ever after. But I just had to get the messed up life. Teen heartthrob is secretly in love with his secretly bisexual band mate and is too much of a chicken to admit it.

Realizing I’ve been in the shower thinking for quite a while, I turned off the water and reached for a towel. As I dried my body, I walked out into my room and collected articles of clothing that were clean enough to wear. Just as I slipped them on, I heard voices from downstairs and listened in.

“Louis? Is something wrong?” Niall asked. He must be down there with my Boo. Wait, something happened?

“Everything, Niall. Everything’s wrong. How could this happen? Why me?” It sounded as if he was breaking down, the way I had done when we first got the news we were ‘dating’ from management. Was he finally having the same reaction? I felt terrible, listening to his light sobs and broken voice.

I heard a sigh. “Come here, Lou. It’s all right to cry sometimes; just let it all out. There you go. Everything will turn out okay in the end, Louis, I promise. What’s that phrase again? Oh yeah, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Shh, calm down. Whatever it is you can tell me, you know. I won’t tell anyone else. Whenever you’re ready you can let it out,” he murmured comforting words to an obviously violently sobbing Louis.

My heart clenched, listening to the one I love in so much emotional pain. What could possible have happened to him to get this reaction? Whoever had done this to him; I swore I would kill them for making my Boobear sad. I hated for him to cry; it just wasn’t Louis. Louis was happy and crazy and that’s how it always should be.

I finished getting dressed, dropping the towel and pressing my ear to the floor to better hear what they were saying. After a good ten minutes of just listening to Lou’s sobs and Niall’s words of comfort, I heard rustling and then a soft sound. Niall must’ve picked him up and moved to the couch.

“I j-just don-t u-u-understand w-why this is h-happening t-to me,” he cried out.

“Why what’s happening?” A confused Niall replied.

I heard Louis take a deep breath, as if he was preparing himself to admit something. Why would he go to Niall for something tearing him up so much inside? Didn’t he know I would always be here for him? I wanted to be the one holding him, comforting him, listening to his secrets.

“You know Harry and I are best friends, right? And we kind of always have been and promised we always would be?” he started, and I assumed Niall nodded at him to continue. “I think we’re drifting. He doesn’t talk to me that much when we’re alone anymore, and I can tell he’s hiding something. Ever since a few days before we left for the break, I could tell something was off. He just wasn’t acting fully like himself, if you understand what I’m saying.” I really needed to do a better job of hiding what I was feeling if even Louis had picked up on my change.

Niall confirmed it, “Yeah, he was upset a lot and quieter than normal. I just thought it was me overreacting. What else does he do?”

“He stopped touching me and messing around like we used to, and then he suddenly started again about halfway through the trip. Then, when we got home, he acted even closer to me physically. He’s always been around me, he cuddles me, and touches me, and kisses all over my face in public. But then once again when we get home it’s like it never happened, like I imagined it.”

“Well, why do you think he’d do that? It doesn’t sound like Harry,” Niall wondered.

Louis took a little bit to answer, and he spoke slowly and carefully. “I’m not sure, but I think Liam knows. I think he talked to Liam right before we left and they’re hiding something. Though I think Li may not know the whole truth. But that’s not entirely why everything feels all wrong.”

“Then what else?”

“I don’t feel like I’m supposed to around him. He just makes me feel so comforted and loved and wanted like nobody else has ever done for me. It’s amazing, and I always just said I’d never had a friendship like the one I have with Harry. Which I think is still a true statement but in a different way than I meant it. Our relationship just hasn’t felt normal ever since the announcement,” Louis sighed, frustrated. “And I think he read something personal of mine and he’s backing off because of what he read. He hates me and finds me disgusting now. I knew he would, that’s why I didn’t tell him. But no, he just had to go find out himself.”

Lou was talking about the journal. How could he know it’d been read? Had I folded a page, smeared any writing, left marks on the covers? I didn’t think so. Maybe he just knew my hate for secrets and knew that I’d have read it while he was gone and I had the chance. That was more likely. But why hadn’t he said anything to me about it? Why would he hint about it to Niall?

I opened my door and started down the stairs. I needed to make sure Louis knew he didn’t disgust me. In fact, he did quite the opposite. Maybe it was the right time to tell him a little of what I was hiding. Maybe he’d feel less desperate. I just wanted to make my Boo happy again; I couldn’t stand to hear him like this, all worked up and upset. I’d stopped listening to their conversation, so I probably missed a little, but I didn’t care.

Louis was curled up in a ball in the corner of the couch, and Niall had an arm draped over him and was looking down at him pityingly. As I walked in, Niall glanced up to see who it was and his mouth formed a little ‘O’.

“Lou? Can I please talk to you?” I requested of the broken boy.

His head snapped around to face me. I could see large bags under his eyes that rivaled my own, and his pupils were bloodshot and swollen from tears. His shirt was rumpled from the tight grip he must’ve had on it and his hair was sticking out in all directions. All in all, Louis was a hot mess. A very hot one, but still an utter mess.

“Erm, sure Haz. I’ll just come up to your room, yeah?” He tried to stand but collapsed almost immediately, too weak from his earlier sobs and lack of sleep to move. He whimpered, upset that he couldn’t get up.

“Don’t worry, Boo. Here, I’ll take you up.” I wrapped one of his arms behind my neck and scooped him up, enjoying the wonderful feeling of holding him close. He wriggled closer into my chest, burying his nose in my neck and relaxing in my grip, though his arm remained tight around me.

We entered my room, and I gently laid him on the bed. As I tried to stand, I found his arm still locked around my neck. “Boobear? I kind of need you to let go if you want me to be able to sit next to you,” I reminded him.

He looked like he was mentally debating something before he pulled back his arm and I sighed regretfully at the loss of contact. Plopping down beside him, I laid back and copied his position.

“So, you wanted to talk to me?” He prompted me.

I steadied my breathing and attempted to slow the beat of my heart so I could get the important words out. “I, erm, basically, well, kind of, might have something I need to tell you that I should’ve told you before,” I stuttered out.

“What is it?”

“You have to promise to hear me out, all right? And not to hate me?” I’m scared of his reaction.

He looks up at me, confused. “Okay, I guess…?”

“So when you were away, and you left your journal and had me find it? I kind of read part of it. I know it was wrong of me and it was your private journal and I really shouldn’t have done it, but I felt like I needed to. You were closing yourself off from me and I wanted to find out what was making you so sad, because it just kills me to see you upset, Boo. I did it with good intent, I promise. I never meant to hurt you.”

His mouth opens a little, then closes. I can see his brain processing what I’m telling him. Finally, he asks what I read that I think he’ll be mad at me for.

I mentally debate how much I should tell him I read and decide to leave some of it out. “I found out you’re bisexual.” And I dropped the bomb.

It was like a switch was flipped inside him. One moment he was open and caring and eager to hear what I had to say. The next, he was curled up and facing away from me, his face had dropped and he looked like an injured puppy. Was it that bad?

“I knew he hates me, I told Niall. He hates me, and he’s disgusted and angry and-“ I cut off his muttering.

“I do not hate you, Boo. I couldn’t hate you if I tried. I’m certainly not disgusted. Why would you doubt our friendship? I would never even consider leaving you because you have a different romantic preference than I expected. I’m just not that type of guy, Lou. I thought you knew that.” I tried to ease his worries and fears.

“That’s not it. I know you aren’t disgusted; I just thought you might be. It was a possibility, anything was. But you’re angry now, aren’t you? Your best friend could be crushing on you and you wouldn’t know it because he’s a coward who’s afraid to tell the truth about his sexuality.”

“You’re right, I am angry. But not about that. I’m angry because I thought we told each other everything, every little secret. You should’ve told me, Louis. I could’ve helped you out, been there for you all this time. I would’ve been by your side whenever you needed me. It hurts to think you don’t trust me.” As I said the words, I felt the truth in them. I was indeed hurt that I felt he didn’t trust me. I whispered under my breath, “And I only wish you were crushing on me.”

“Of course I trust you, Hazzabear! This is just something a little different than all those other secrets we shared. How could I know whether you were a homophobe?” He tried to reason with me.

“I’m not a homophobe and I’m not trying to make you more upset, Lou. I just want to be here for you now that I know. I’m always willing to be there. Just come to me whenever you need help. I don’t care what the time is or how far away I am. You can always come to me or call me. You’re my Boobear and I want to protect you.” Hopefully that didn’t sound too romantic. I wouldn’t want him to figure out my other secret yet.

“Thank you, Hazza. For everything. For telling me the truth, and being here for me. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and staying with me anyway. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you most of all for being my Harry and being here when I need you the most.” I felt my eyes tear up a little at his heartfelt thanks. I didn’t deserve that, but I simply nodded in response. I didn’t trust my voice in that moment.

“Are you tired?” I finally spoke.

“Yeah. I haven’t been sleeping very well at all since the trip. Actually, the only times I slept well were when I fell asleep with you. You calm me down enough to make me sleep, Haz. And I kind of got used to sleeping with you on break, so now I don’t know if I can sleep alone…” he trailed off, looking down at the sheets of my bed guiltily.

“Oh, Boo! You just needed to ask me. Of course we can sleep together. To be quite honest with you, I haven’t slept well unless I’m with you either. Seems like we need each other,” I chuckle at that thought, it makes me happy to hear that he needs me and I calm him. I wouldn’t ever turn down the chance to be so close to him.

He yawns, stretching out and laying his head on a pillow. I throw off my shirt and yank the blankets over us before wrapping my arms around Lou’s waist and pulling his body closer to mine. He scoots in as well, until our bodies are laid out against each other. We both sigh contentedly and Louis closes his eyes.

“Night, Hazzabear,” he manages to utter sleepily.

“Night, Boobear,” I reply, kissing his forehead softly before closing my own eyes and drifting off to sleep.

The image of his smiling face as my lips touch his skin is burned into my mind.