Queen Custard Tart. 

My name's Erica and my little sister is Ellie. You might remember that once a headless ogre was under my bed. He was a real pest and he used to scare my sister Ellie, so much that she couldn't go to sleep. Neither could my mum and dad. I told the headless ogre he had to find another home to live in and do you know, I think he has, cos I haven't heard him growling under my bed for ages. Mum and dad are happy.

'The headless ogre has  finally left the building' said dad one morning at breakfast.

'Don't speak too soon'said mum.

Anyway, Ellie and I have someone else to think about now. She's a new person on TV and she's called Queen Custard Tart. She's really pretty (much prettier than the headless ogre.) Queen Custard Tart is the latest Children's TV sensation, the What's on Telly? 'Magazine says. Mum reckons she wouldn't go that far. Dad says he would. He wishes her car would break down so he could fix it for her. (Our dad's a motor mechanic). Mum rolled her eyes and told him to dream on. Dad says she's a tart in the best possible way. I'm not really sure what he means, but mum does, cos she told him to be careful what he says in front of Ellie and me.

At school, everyone loves Queen Custard Tart and most of them are allowed to watch her programme on TV. I'm not though. It isn't fair. My best friend Bree told me that she isn't allowed to watch Queen Custard Tart either, but her big sister Bella showed her how to watch on-line, so she sneaks into the computer room when her mum and dad aren't around or are outside in the garden and watches then. That's so cool. Wish I had a big sister who could teach me naughty stuff.

There's even a Queen Custard Tart doll in the shops. She's just arrived and she's heaps pretty. Ellie so wants one. Mum said it's too expensive, which is what she always says when she doesn't want us to have something. So far, only one girl in my class has one and that's Molly. She's really spoilt and she invited some girls to her house to let them see her new Queen Custard Tart doll. Bree and I weren't invited, cos we're not her friends. Molly is in the popular group and she's a nasty little' bleep'. Dad says bleep, when he wants to use a bad word and we're in the room. I know what he really means anyway, cos we say it at school.

The best part about Queen Custard Tart is her Food Fight Friday programme on Channel One, 'The One and Only One.' That's what the Telly people call it. Mum says they're the only really trashy one. Anyhow, every Friday afternoon on Channel one at 4 o'clock Queen Custard Tart and the lucky kids in the show audience get to throw custard tarts and other messy stuff at each other. They have so much fun. Alex in my class went to a Food-fight Friday and he said it was totally awesome. He got a mouthful of lemon meringue pie and chocolate mud-cake was smeared all over his face and in his hair. He's going again for his birthday party. I asked him if I could come and that I'd even invite him to my party ( I wasn't going to invite boys this year, though). He just looked at me in a mean way, said the 'F' word and a big fat NO!. I heard him telling some other kids there's a really long waiting list to be on the show and that they'll probably never get on. I hate Alex.

Mum says the food fights are disgusting and that everyone who takes part should be ashamed of themselves 'What would the refugees or the starving kids in Asia or Africa think'? she says. Dad reckons it's just a bit of harmless fun and he'd heard that they throw stuff that isn't bad, but can't be sold in the shops. Then mum said it was still wrong and that Queen Custard Tart is subversive. I'm not sure what that means, but probably it's something fun or exciting. Mum can be such a spoil-sport sometimes. Dad turned around and said

'Subversive, but so hot!'

Mum got cross then and said

'I can't talk sense to you Brent' '(that's Dad's name) and walked away. Then she slammed the door.

I don't think I'll ever be allowed to watch Queen Custard Tart, so I'll have to go to Bree's house and get her big sister to put it on-line for us. Yeah, that's what I'll do .Bree said I could go to her place any time. I'm always allowed to go there on Fridays. We'll be able to watch a Food-Fight Friday and mum won't know.

Guess what! There was a big pull-out poster of Queen Custard Tart in this week's 'What's On Telly? Magazine. I took it out when no-one was looking and before Ellie could find it (she'd tell mum for sure or grab it for herself). I've put it in my bedroom drawer, so as I can take it out and look at it whenever I want. Wish I was brave enough to put it on my wall, but I share a room with Ellie, so I can't. I wish I had a different mum and a different sister. I also wish that Queen Custard Tart would banish Alex with her magic wand (I forgot to tell you she has a wand) or else make him eat all the food on Food-Fight so he'd get really fat, blow up and go POP!