TILLY

Life moves on. Wherever you like it or not. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

As I am stuck in a permanent mindset of 'what if', as I think about nothing but the continuous scenarios of 'I wonder what life would have been like right now if that didn't fucking happen', everybody else has moved on, living their own life, walking these streets as if nothing had ever happened. Why can't I just accept it and move on like everybody else?

I still want to die, honestly, I don't even know why I'm still here, why I'm still holding on. There's nothing for me here anymore. I sit and wonder is today a good day to die? and if not now, then when? These days, from tragedy up until old age, are nothing but a filler. I mean, it's not as if any of us are getting out of this alive. Shouldn't we, as human beings, be able to choose when and how we die? I think about this every day; when I wake up, when I'm in college, when I'm eating my dinner, and before I go to sleep if I get any. 

It's three in the morning, it's cold and dark. The best time of day. I decided to go outside to my usual spot. I put on my jacket and some shoes and I'm out the door. It's only a three-minute walk away. The usual; down the street, make a left, walk down the hill, under the bridge, and over the busy road. Walk down the grassy side of the road and then walk down the unstable rocks and onto a patch of concrete that's somehow placed on this narrow stony beach. It's peaceful, all I hear is the odd car driving by and the wind in my ears. That's the problem with living in Scotland, it's always fucking windy and my hair always sticks to my lip gloss. 

I sit down on the edge, dangling my feet over the water beneath. I wonder what it would be like to just hop off the edge and walk into the middle of the water at its deepest point and drown. Wouldn't it be peaceful, to feel the coolness of the water on this warm stuffy night with the wind in my hair, then just gradually going deeper and deeper until the moonlit water shines over my head. 

I snap myself out of it and put in my earphones, filling my soul with the sound of Fleetwood Mac: Go your own way. This is me, this is my peace. Music loud enough to block out my unruly thoughts, a nice breeze brushing my face, and the almost muted sound of the water in the background. I gaze over at my view, it really is beautiful. The endless scape of green fields and mountains, The big pool of water beneath my feet, the moon shining on the almost black water, and the stars twinkling in the clear night sky. I love the dark, I love the darkness too, I soak it up and it travels with me wherever I go, day or night. 

I  close my eyes and breathe in a breath of fresh sea air as I try to once again gather my thoughts. I enjoy the thrill of it, being alone in the dark at three in the morning, blocking out all signs of human life with my music. I open my eyes to look around me, sometimes I get paranoid because just above where I sit is a small layby, and cars will park there now and again. Fortunately, there are no new cars parked there this time. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a blurry black dot wavering along the rickety rocks coming in my direction. I blink and rub my eyes because I thought I was imagining things, though now it's clear to me that I'm not. Damn, why do I always leave my glasses at home, I literally ALWAYS leave them on my desk next to my door so I don't forget to wear them, yet every single time I head out, without fail, I end up leaving them behind.