I need to take a minute to explain something. I am not okay. Many of you know this. I'm dealing with depression, it's gotten so bad that I started buying depression pills from my friends.
If your going to call me an attention whore then fuck you. You want me to be real? okay I'll be real with you. Before I was adopted I was a used from the ages of one to five. And some of you are thinking; who cares it's over. That doesn't mean the memories left though. I can remember almost being strangled, I can remember being hit by my birth father and my sister screaming and crying. I remember being thrown down the stairs at three years old. I have flashbacks all the time about the abuse and it makes me feel worthless and I cry. It's gotton so bad that I won't even let people touch me anymore. I get so scared, it's gotten to the point where if someone physically touches me I'll start crying, sometimes I'll start shakeing uncontrollably. I remember being to different foster homes throughout my childhood.
Finally adopted at age five, the kinds in my third grade would make jokes like, "you know why your mom gave you up? because she didn't want you" they augurs and I cried. They pointed and I looked down ashamed. I'm tired of always acting happy and laughy. I physically cannot do this anymore. I have so many suicidal thoughts going around my head, as I write this I want to take a rope and tie it around my neck but I can't leave, I don't want to hurt anyone. don't tell me this isn't real and don't tell me this is not how I feel. Your not me, you don't walk in my shoes. Of your gonna tell me to get over it then leave right now. You think I'm an attention whore? okay if I'm such an attention whore then why haven't I told anyone about the cuts on my thighs and wrists. If I'm such an attention whore then how do my own parents not know that I struggle with suicidal thoughts daily and have depression. I am sick in the head. My mommy for when I was in third grade. Overdosing and her lungs were horrible. You don't know what it's like to I only met your mom once and then be told she died only a week later. You don't know any of it. Don't say "I understand" Lie to me again. You don't get me at all. I don't respond to anyone's texts on wattpad anymore because they don't understand that I just.. I can't do this anymore.