i can't stop playing slither

m i c h a e l

I never thought leaving a hospital would be a hard thing to do. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I would miss everything there. The nurses, other kids, schedule structure; even the shitty food. Hell, I would never think of Sun Chips and ginger ale the same way as I had before because, well, I had never even thought about it before. I thought about Tia. She was fragile; vulnerable. I could have loved her if I wanted to, she was easy to love. I thought about the other patients.

Alexis: how would she go back to her baby, being only seventeen and unstable? Kristen: would her eating ever change? Ashton: what would happen when he left and went back to his normal life? Would he be able to get back on track?

I listened to the soft sounds of Ashton's breathing from across the room as my thoughts clouded the dark room like a midnight fog. I didn't move, knowing that if I did, a nurse would see and question me. I didn't sleep Wednesday night.

Thursday morning, the patients tried not to think about me leaving the next day. Everyone had gotten too attached to each other too quickly, probably because the hospital was the only place they had ever fit into. They felt safe with each other, and change wasn't a widely accepted fate. I sat with Tia and Ashton as per usual, talking as if I would never get discharged.

My friends wished there was something they could do to make my last day be better. They couldn't. I knew that. So they played Bullshit and ate Sun Chips and drank ginger ale until visiting hours. Ashton had this smile on, like he knew something no one else did.

Ashton's mother brought a guitar. A guitar. Ashton brought it over to where I sat with Tia, waiting for one of their parents to show up.

"Hey, Michael! You play guitar, right?" my eyes lit up and I grinned widely, hugging Ashton.

"Dude, this is great! I didn't know you played!" Ashton nodded, "Does anyone sing and know Drown by Bring Me The Horizon?" An exited "hell yes!" came from Tia, while Ashton nodded and smiled.

My steady fingers strummed various chords like liquid, my friends moving their heads to the rhythm. Tia pushed the front of her hair backward and breathed, closing her eyes briefly.

what doesn't kill you, makes you wish you were dead,

Her smooth voice blended the octave above Ashton's, breaking into a harmony as the chorus approached. I almost stopped playing at the borderline angelic singing reflected his emotions. Tia glanced at me, eyes following the way my fingertips brushed the guitar strings. Ashton's voice quivered, his emotion overflowing into the lyrics. We blended together, connected more than before. We all understood each other, a feeling we had collectively never felt. Sometimes, as it seemed, acceptance, validation, and togetherness could be the best kind of therapy a person needs.

By the time the song ended, we hadn't noticed the small crowd gathering close by, the room had fallen silent at some point. "That was, like, really good." I remarked, concealing my intense emotion upon seeing various patients and nurses observing us. Everyone around nodded in agreement, recalling the way the voices blended effortlessly.

"We should start a band," Ashton added lightly, "I'd be the lead though, you guys are too lame." Tia laughed, contrasting the almost palpably somber air hanging above them.

No one said so, but everyone was thinking--Michael is leaving in less than 24 hours.

They would all miss me, of course, after knowing me for however long they had. I had that kind of effect on a person. You kind of couldn't forget me. Tia had told me that at some point.

Thursday night, around 8 p.m, it finally hit me that I was leaving the place I'd basically lived in for about a month. I didn't know whether to be happy or revoltingly depressed about leaving my friends. I glanced at Tia, her pink hair falling in front of her eyes as she concentrated on the game of bullshit that was going on. I watched her small hands grace the cards and a poker face touched her delicate features; she was bluffing. I always knew when she was, I just never called her out on it.

Ashton nudged my foot, "You're staring," he'd whispered, before calling out a louder "Bullshit," directed toward Tia. I just shrugged as if it didn't matter that Ashton noticed, (it did, though) munching on my sun chips.

The game ended around 8:30 (Ashton won) and a nurse called for everyone to take their night medications. I walked alongside Tia, nudging her so she would look up at me. "Hey," I said, smiling softly. Soft brown eyes met my green ones, "Hi."

The nurse handed Tia and I our water and meds. Tia compared her two pills, white and blue, to my red, yellow, white, and blue ones. She said nothing about it. They walked away, me pulling Tia to the side.

"I'll miss you," she whispered softly, as if it were a secret begging to be kept. My brows furrowed, I hadn't thought about my presence affecting anyone else.

"in spite of it all, you are the same without me." she finished, eyes fluttering for a moment. my fingertips met her cold ones, encouraging her closer.

I rested my chin on top of her pink hair, left arm securing around her waist. I sighed, "I'll remember you, don't worry, darling. You're not going to be easy to forget." Tia pulled away, studying my genuine features. Hesitantly, she leaned her face closer to mine, her unsure movements choppy like the beat of both her and my hearts. I leaned down, gripping her waist softly.

Tia's lips were soft and full against mine, warm, unlike the rest of her body. Her hands rested around my shoulders and although the kiss was nice, it wasn't the kind of thing people make art out of. Tia was art, and I was art. We just weren't each other's art to possess.

She stroked my hair soothingly as she pulled away, brown eyes meeting green and we were hit with the sudden understanding that everything is temporary, and nothing could change that. Her cold hands fell from my head, to my shoulders, cascading down my arms and floating off my fingertips like air.

"Goodnight, Michael."

"Goodnight, Tia."

~~~~~

Friday morning, I ate quickly, stealing glances at the side of Tia's face as she ate her own breakfast as well. I rushed to pack his things, simultaneously tidying Ashton's side of the room as well, since he was never really one to do it himself.

"Everything packed, kiddo?" Chester called from the doorway, only half-startling me.

"Yeah, I think I've got everything." I sighed, finishing folding my last blanket and setting it on the bare plastic-coated pad the hospital used as an excuse for a mattress.

"Alright. Your parents will be here soon I'm sure." Chester said. I nodded, threading my fingers through my brittle hair.

I walked out to the main room, sitting beside Ashton, who smiled all casual, like his friend for many weeks wasn't leaving in less than half an hour. I glanced at Tia, who was already looking at me. She didn't look away like I thought she would. I almost smiled, almost acted like it was a regular day, almost walked over confidently with a flirty comment like I usually would. I didn't, though. Didn't feel like playing games anymore. So I just stared back at her, her brown eyes never leaving his green ones. She didn't get up to move near me, didn't even hesitate. I wondered if she regretted the kiss. I hoped not. I didn't really want to know if she did or not, so I looked away, feeling her eyes still on me.

A bit later, my parents arrived, smiles on their faces like they wanted me to come home (they probably didn't).

"Hi, Mike! Ready to head home? Say goodbye to your friends, be polite." I sighed as I hugged my mother. She could get irritating sometimes.

"Yeah. Be right back." I went to everyone I didn't really talk to often because it would take less time. Then I went to Ashton, who was honestly like a brother to me, even if we only knew each other for a few weeks.

"So, you're going home."

"Mhm."

"And I probably won't hear from you ever again, this is the end."

"Why would that be?"

"I'm going to CPC, they told me, like, an hour ago."

My eyes widened. "Ash, dude, why didn't you tell me sooner? We could've worked something out! Why do you procrastinate so much, oh my god -"

Ashton interrupted, "Dude, chill. Just, like, write your number down or something. I'll call you when I can. They have phones at CPC, too, I think."

"Okay, okay." I ran to a nurse and asked for a pencil and paper, hastily writing my name and phone number down for Ashton. I ran back to Ashton, shoving the ripped piece of paper in his hand. "I swear if you don't call me I will actually kill you." I said, ruffling Ashton's curly hair.

"Alright, man. Now go say your goodbyes to Tia, you ass." I hugged my friend before walking off to the corner that Tia was in.

"Hey," she said, not looking up.

"Hey." I whispered, tucking a piece of her fading pink hair behind her ear.

"You're leaving, and you have no intention of keeping in contact with me." She murmured back. I sighed, sliding down the wall in the corner, Tia following his movements.

"I wish I could deny that," I frowned.

"No, it's fine. I get it. We aren't right for each other anyway, it would never work out. I am simply background noise in your world full of music, and that's okay."

I nodded in agreement. "I will miss you, though. I won't forget you, I hope you won't forget me. Maybe if it's meant to be, we'll meet again, when we're old enough and stable enough for each other." I said, knowing it wasn't true.

"Maybe. Kiss me again, just once more." she responded, turning to face me. I leaned down, her cold hand cupping my chin. Their lips met one last time, a soft goodbye confirming the end of whatever we were, a something we would never be.

"Goodbye, Tia."

"Goodbye, Michael."

I traced my fingertips over Tia's jaw, my pale skin contrasting her deep complexion, admiring her a final time. I got up, holding out a hand for her. We hugged for a while, before my mother tapped my shoulder.

"Sorry to interrupt, but we have to go, Michael." she said. I nodded, turning away from Tia and walking in the direction of the tall metal doors. I didn't look back. I knew Tia did not expect me to. I also knew she watched me go, watched me gather my things and walk out the doors.

I felt relieved as I walked out into the open air, knowing I had left the third floor for good this time. I felt something like doubt, too, creeping up over my shoulders and resting in my mind. I brushed it off though, like I didn't have time for regret. I let the warm sun cover my skin through the car window as I began my journey home. I wouldn't forget my time at the hospital, this I knew for sure.