The following Wednesday, Micah brought Rory to brunch with Benny and Kennedy.

At first awkward, Rory was quickly won over by Benny's excitement for the two of them and about Rory's job. Micah was grateful his friends weren't bashing his dating app habits in front of Rory, though he supposed they were too fascinated by Micah having a boyfriend to risk sabotaging it.

After introduction, standard brunch therapy commenced. "So Micah told me he told you about him and Lennon," Kennedy said.

"What! You did? You're allowed to do that?" Benny said.

"Yes, Benny, it's called healthy communication, apparently," Micah said.

Benny stared at Rory. "And you were okay with that?"

Rory blushed. "Is this a standard brunch topic, or are you just bringing it up because I'm here?"

"Oh! No, sweetie, we talk about everything at brunch," Kennedy reassured.

"Then..." Rory glanced at Micah before admitting, "I suppose I... also know you three. Had a thing."

Kennedy swatted Micah's arm. "Smart move."

"You're the one who gave me the Empathy Flashcards," Micah said.

"I know. I just didn't think you'd use 'em."

"Empathy Flashcards?" Rory repeated.

"Those notecards I was reading before your mom's thing," Micah explained, which earned him a simple, "Ah."

Benny held Rory by the arm. "I just want you to know that Micah and I are not compatible at all. We haven't slept together or dated since the threesome, and that was, like, four years ago now."

"Yeah, I know," Rory laughed, squeezing Benny's hand back. "Micah explained that you're a hopeless romantic."

"And he's intolerable about it," Micah added.

"Well, I wasn't going to mention that," Rory said.

"Intolerable!" Benny collapsed to the side, fake-sobbing. Kennedy rubbed the top of his head in attempted comfort.

"Am I allowed to ask..." Rory started, and the entire table was already nodding. "Is it true Micah's slept with over three hundred people?"

"Low-baller," Kennedy said.

"That's definitely a low number," Benny agreed.

"I gave him a range of three-to-four hundred," Micah said.

"I think it's more toward six hundred. Think about it: Freshmen year you were apeshit. At least four people a week, multiply that by fifty-two... We're already at two hundred."

"And sophomore year I was coping poorly," Micah said, With Hunter, "so that was more like three people per weekend, not including the weekdays."

"What..." Rory breathed in horror.

"Yeah, so we'll give sophomore year a generous 250," Kennedy agreed.

"But you have repeats sometimes. Like one person for one week, another for the next," Benny corrected. "So the number is probably lower for both years."

"True, true..."

"We'll round freshmen and sophomore year to three hundred," Micah said. "Junior year maybe a hundred. I calmed down a little."

"Calmed down..." Rory whispered, eyes wide.

"And now we're here!" Kennedy said. "What's the number? You tell us."

Micah glanced nervously at Rory before admitting, "I think it's somewhere around thirty."

"Since when?" Rory asked, eyes wide.

"August," he said.

"That's, like, six people a month," Rory said.

"Yeah, that's really tame," Kennedy said.

"It's 'cause he's been sleeping with my brother," Benny said.

"What?" Rory's eyes were the size of saucers.

Kennedy turned, slowly, to stare at Micah.

"I didn't think that was relevant," Micah said.

"Not. Relevant?" Kennedy bit out through clenched teeth.

"I don't want to talk about him," Micah said, resolutely.

"Did you two have a falling out?" Rory asked.

"Something like that," he lied, and Kennedy and Benny said nothing.

As Micah walked Rory to the station, he felt the distinct need to apologize for not having mentioned Alistair. Unluckily for him, Rory was still thinking about it enough to ask, "Why didn't you mention Benny's brother?"

He wouldn't look Micah in the eye.

Micah crossed his arms, defensively. He took a deep breath to collect himself so he at least wouldn't sound defensive. "I just felt bad because he was the last person I slept with before you. And I didn't want you to get the wrong impression with me housesitting for him. I don't know. It's kind of fucked up now that you know and I wasn't even the person to tell you."

"It's fine."

"It isn't. I'm sorry."

"You... don't still talk to him, do you?" Rory asked.

"No," Micah said, truthfully. When Rory simply stared at him, his skin crawled with the need to prove it. He opened his phone, only to realize the last significant text conversation they'd had was when he was at the Hampton House.

"Okay, fuck, this looks awful," Micah confessed, hand over his face.

"What is it?"

"The last time we texted was in December. We kind of—We were sexting. You can see the timestamp if you want."

"No, that's fine. I believe you."

Micah couldn't remove his hand from his eyes. Shame tightened its grip on his throat and threatened to choke him out. He swallowed hard as Rory's gloved hand came to gingerly tug at his arm.

"If it's all right with you," Rory said, slowly, "could I maybe have tonight to myself? I just think I got a little ahead of myself."

Micah's muscles spasmed uncomfortably. He nodded, quickly, and said, "Yeah. That's fine." And then, feeling like shit, he insisted, "I swear I haven't been sleeping anyone. And I was clean when we met, I swear."

His eyes burned when Rory's smile wavered. "I believe you," he whispered.

Micah couldn't control his eyes, or the tremble in his brow that only happened when he wanted to burst into tears and was trying not to. He covered his eyes again.

And then, to make matters worse, Rory asked, "Where will you be staying?"

Micah took a deep breath. "Probably... Benny's. Yeah."

"Okay. Can I give you my number so you can text me when you get there? I can't believe we haven't exchanged numbers yet."

"Yeah, I'm not really into texting," he confessed.

"Neither am I. I'm just worried about you," Rory said.

Micah's skin was crawling. As he watched Rory type in his number, a sickeningly desperate desire to delete the number surfaced.

He never wanted to go back to Rory's place.

He never wanted to see Rory again.

He was so utterly and completely humiliated.

_______

Micah didn't want to return to Benny's, nor did he want to speak to Benny. A sick, gnawing sensation chewed up his spine and seethed in his ear, So Benny gets the shitty boyfriend perfect-happy-ending while he gets to fuck up your chance with Rory. Great. Fan-fucking-tastic!

After spending a lecture in full pity mode, Micah went crawling to Kennedy's last class of the day to wait for her outside the door. As students cleared out, he kept his eyes peeled for her. She startled when she saw him.

"Holy shit, what're you doing here?" she said.

"I think Rory broke up with me," he confessed.

She blinked. "Just now?"

"After brunch," he sighed.

"Wow. Um."

He started to cry.

"Wow! Okay! Hang on!" she shouted, wrangling him around the shoulders to steer him to a private stall in girls' bathroom.

"Why didn't I tell him about Alistair?" Micah said, voice high-pitched and breathy between sobs. He leant back into the concrete bricks, head in his hands. He accepted toilet paper as a tissue and blew his nose disgustingly, pitching it into the bowl.

"You told him a lot as it is!" Kennedy said, encouragingly. "And that was good! Alistair is a lot on his own, I don't blame you for not mentioning him. You should've given us a heads up not to mention him."

"I-I'm realizing that now," he gasped, shakily. His cheeks were stiff with tears. "It looks so fucking bad that I didn't mention him though. Fuck!"

"Micah, it's okay. You did a lot right. And you were only dating him for three weeks."

"A-And how pathetic is that? I hate dating, and when I do date, I fuck it up. Who the fuck would want to date someone who's slept with half the city?"

"Are you–Are you interested in dating now?"

"No. Fuck no. It was just him," he said. He dried his eyes. "I'm never dating again. This was pointless. And he still has my luggage."

"Well, I'll work on getting your luggage back," Kennedy reassured. "Where will you be staying?"

Micah thumped his head against the wall, eyes shut. "Please don't make me move back in with Benny."

"I won't. Could you ask Alistair?"

"No. Fuck no. I literally just moved my shit out," Micah said. He buried the heels of his palms into his eyes. "And I can't Tinder couch surf because I'd technically be cheating on Rory. He said he needs to think about it, but I just know he's gonna break up with me."

"Do you want him to break up with you?"

"No. Yes? I don't know."

"Okay." Kennedy worried her lip between her teeth, taking a deep, calculating breath. She squeezed her eyes shut, grimacing. "You can. Stay at my place. For a bit."

Micah couldn't have possibly heard her right. "You can't be serious."

"I don't want to be," she admitted through a scowl. "Take it or leave it."

"Take it. I'm taking it," he said.

"Okay then." She blew out a stiff, frustrated breath and said, "I'm gonna regret this, aren't I?"

"I'll be the best roommate you've never had."

"Better fucking be," she said, pinning him with a glare before exiting the stall. She grabbed him by the hand to tow him along. "Come on. Let's go."

Kennedy's apartment was no place for Micah to be. He'd never spent the night there, nor had he ever planned on it until that day. Surrounded by groovy, neon wallpaper and half-dressed mannequins, Micah kept himself to a far corner of Kennedy's living room as she prepared to go out again.

"Remote's under the TV," she said, spinning the back on her earring. "And I need to clean the bathroom, so ignore the state it's in now."

"Okay."

"Oh—And Erika might be coming over tonight," she said.

Perfect, Micah thought as he watched her leave.

Kennedy returned late that night with Micah's suitcase and Erika. Erika glared openly at him from the threshold.

He raised a hand in stiff greeting. "Hey."

Erika scoffed, rolled her eyes, and said, "You're a fucking disaster, you know that?"

Kennedy hissed at her to be quiet. She smiled politely at Micah and said, "We'll be in my room. Do you need anything?"

"No, thanks." He stopped himself from saying, "Have fun."

In Kennedy's various apartments, she was always tedious about which wall her bed and television rested against so as not to disturb her neighbors. This put Micah's designated bed (the couch) against the very same wall the headboard rutted up against.

He slapped a fluffy flower pillow over his face and tried to sleep. The door wasn't soundproof, which meant that even if the bed wasn't moving, someone was still moaning and gasping loud enough for Micah to hear.

He was startled by his phone buzzing underneath him. He dug it out from under his shoulder and looked at the notification.

He slapped the screen facedown on his stomach, flower pillow tipping off his face. He tried to catch it and failed.

This can't be happening, he thought, because Alistair had just shared a hidden photo.

Micah's eyes searched the ceiling as he was once again reminded of the quick and desperate sounds Kennedy made just before climax. Panting, begging—Fuck! How could Alistair possibly know the moments Micah was weakest for a distraction?

Micah crushed his fists to his eye sockets. I'm still dating Rory, he insisted, which felt pathetic and foolish as a twenty-two year old in his first relationship.

You've only known Rory for three weeks, he reminded himself. You owe nothing to him.

At least fidelity! At least! He'd gone to Rory's mother's memorial anniversary, for fuck's sake! He couldn't—

He couldn't bring himself to even acknowledge Alistair's message with read receipts.

He couldn't.

I can't. I can't cheat. I can't, he chanted, breaking, tears in his eyes.

He powered his phone off and threw it across the room so it flopped onto the rug. The screen was facing up so he saw when a second message pinged in.

Even when he tried. Even when he wanted a relationship to work. Even when—!

Even when what he really wanted was Alistair, he'd sabotaged that, too. He'd poisoned Alistair to the point of even stomaching him became grief itself.

Must he ruin everything good?

________

Erika spent two more nights, but by then it was Lennon's housewarming party. Micah woke at six in the morning to a call. The only person awake at that time was Rory.

He answered it, still half-asleep. "Mrng," he slurred.

"Sorry, I woke you." Rory's voice destroyed him.

God, Micah thought, rolling upright. I've been wanting to hear from him for days and now all I want to do is hang up and get on with my day.

Try to forget the housewarming party is even happening.

"Hey," Micah said, "no, it's fine. I've been waiting to hear from you."

"You were supposed to text me when you made it to Benny's place."

"Fuck, right." Micah's head collapsed into his hands. Worst Boyfriend of the Year Award goes to... drumroll please...

"Lennon's party is tonight," Rory said.

"Yeah, I know. I don't have to go if you don't want me there."

"I was hoping we could go together. If that's okay."

Gone were Micah's reservations, his desire to flee and never speak to Rory again. "Yes. Yes, completely. I need to know what his kitchen looks like."

Rory laughed, and it brought a relieved smile to Micah's face. "Okay, cool. We should get lunch and catch up, maybe finish that show we were watching."

Micah was already searching for his shoes like it was noon rather than 6AM. "Sure, that sounds great."

"I haven't been able to keep watching it. I feel bad finishing it without you."

"Then let's finish it. How many episodes do we have?"

"Like, twenty."

"Okay, maybe we can't finish it—" He scoffed when Rory laughed. "Whatever. Can I come over now?"

"Sure, if you're awake enough for it."

"Thirty minutes," he said, though he made it there in twenty.

Micah didn't know what to do with himself when the front door opened and Rory stood there, looking just as Micah had left him. Perfect, angelic, faint smile a reassuring gift.

"You have a key. You didn't have to knock," Rory said.

"I know. I just feel weird now," Micah said. "I've never been in this situation before."

Rory's smile could cure Micah's cancer, if he had cancer. "Should we talk about it now or...?"

Micah exhaled, shakily, and said, "Maybe after an episode?"

They ended up watching two, both of which were spent thinking and glancing at one another from opposite sides of the bed.

Micah couldn't stand it. Did all couples argue like this? Silently, and with such meaningful looks? He hated it. He was sweating.

"Maybe I should go," Micah admitted after the credits. The next episode started and Rory paused it.

"Don't," Rory insisted, shaking his head. He put a hand to his forehead. "I'm just. I'm so embarrassed at how I reacted, and I'm trying not to judge but—"

"I feel like a fucking idiot for not telling you about Benny's brother," Micah confessed.

"Did you—Did you like him?" Rory asked.

"I don't know," Micah said. It may have been the truth, but it may have been a massive lie as well. He hated not knowing. "We're like the same person. Which is cool, I guess, but it was also kind of a disaster. And he's older than I am so—"

"I'm older than you."

"Yeah, by like, two years. Benny's brother is almost thirty."

Rory's shoulders dropped. "Oh. Lennon is also older than us."

"I wasn't into silver foxes before Lennon. Not that—Benny's brother isn't a silver fox or anything, but—"

Rory closed the gap between them. Micah tensed, holding himself purposefully still like if he moved, Rory would run away.

But then, Rory held his hand with both of his own and said, "I think we could be really compatible, but I'm not interested in teaching someone how to be in a relationship anymore. I've done that before. I don't want to be... the one before the one, you know?"

Gutted, Micah admitted, "Fuck, that was on Kennedy's Empathy Flashcards too."

Rory tipped his head curiously.

"I forgot to ask if you're interested in marriage," Micah said.

"Oh." Rory sat back on his heels, still holding Micah's hand. "Yeah, I guess I am. Probably a court wedding, though."

"I'm not interested in getting married," he said.

"Kids?"

Micah shook his head.

"Well," Rory sighed. "Fuck. I should've asked that sooner, too."

They both smiled, sadly. Rory tipped into him for a hug, and Micah accepted it. The pressure on his chest was dissipating. He sighed a little deeper, a little steadier.

Micah tucked his chin against Rory's shoulder and said, "Until you find 'the one', whatever that means—" Rory scoffed. "—I'd totally be down for a benefits thing."

Rory's laughter was contagious. "Honestly, that's kind of a relief. After Lennon's, I was thinking—"

"After? Why wait," Micah said.

"I'm kind of crying still," Rory confessed.

"Hot."

"No it isn't—!" They burst into laughter and, no longer crying, kissed.

Micah had never cried during sex before, but he had never clung to someone so intimately before, either. Benny was one thing, but Rory was a glimpse at something he thought was never possible. A relationship that wasn't sappy, wasn't pure romance, and was comfortable.

He'd never felt that level of comfort before, and he blamed it on how hard he'd tried to live by Kennedy's Empathy Flashcards. The more people knew about him, the less they'd want him.

The more he tried, the farther he fell under the bar. Everyone his age—everyone—was more mature and advanced at relationships than he was. Rory had confirmed that in some ways, Micah would forever be late to a game everyone had been playing for years.

He didn't want to be taught, massaged, and molded into an ideal partner, so he didn't blame Rory for not wanting to help him in that.

And so, as they finished, Micah shed tears on Rory's chest. Even as Rory urged him to say what was wrong, he couldn't find the words to say: I don't even want a relationship, but why does it feel so fucking awful to be so inadequate at it anyway?