tw abuse and rape mentions.

     Opening night was quite possibly the most stressful thing Evan had faced. All of a sudden he was in costume, his face being beaten with pounds of makeup by Zoe.

    "You look great without it but... It's cute when it's on you." Zoe squealed, kissing Evan's cheek before she applied a layer of blush. Evan smiled as he grabbed a shade of red for his lips, swiping it on effortlessly as he looked to Zoe for confirmation. The two were as close as siblings since Connor started dating Evan, and when Evan wasn't with Connor he was usually with Zoe. He smoothed his skirt over his thighs he had taken the time to shave the night before, taking a deep breath of air again.

     "You're gonna do amazing." Zoe whispered, fixing a bit of Evan's hair as they gazed in the mirror together. Evan held her hand, giving it a soft squeeze.

   "You too." He murmured, their hands squeezing before Evan got up to be whisked away by the tech crew to triple check his microphone would be working. Jared had smoothed back his rather unruly thin hair, wearing a letterman jacket to match Rich's, which was very different from the boys regular style.

    The trio had become a duo, Jared having decided he didn't want a relationship right then and leaving the other boys off to do as they pleased. He wasn't sad about it, and part of it actually helped him a lot. Jared wanted to grow and find himself as a person more, as he thought he was living through an almost extended reality of his younger days. He wanted to mature as a high school senior, and get into a good college and pursue whatever dream he could find. There were no harsh feelings between him and the others, and they got along almost better as friends really.

   Alana's usual ponytail was down, wearing a brighter colored sweater adorned in a unicorn as she had gone through vocal warmups with Christine, the two bonding over their love for schoolwork in general.

    Evan had walked through many a group of people before he got to where he was supposed to test his microphone, singing a few notes of a song he didn't even know the name of. He wasn't aware of Connor watching fondly from in the curtains until he walked off and accidentally into the other boy. He blushed, fixing his costume back in to place as he smiled weakly to Connor.

   "You're-" Evan didn't let Connor finish as he wrapped him into a big hug, trying desperately not to smear makeup on the others black trench coat.

   "You're going to do great, Con. I love you so much." Connor blushed as he kissed him quickly, wiping the red lipstick with a small laugh as they pulled apart.

   "I can't believe it's here... I can't believe we made it." He shook his head slowly. Connor didn't think he was going to survive through the musical. His plan at first was to audition, and if he didn't get in so be it. And if he did, he would have been known when he died. Evan saved him, in a way. He knew all to well it wasn't good to put your happiness dependent on one person but Evan Hansen was special. He felt like everything was okay around him, even though the both of them struggled everyday to get through to the next. But their lives clashed seemingly perfect, and when their hands joined it felt like nothing else mattered in the world.

    The lights flashed a first time, signaling the actors to clear the stage so the crew could set for the opening number.

    That's when it became most real for Evan. His breathing quickened, the world spinning a little as he clung to Connor's jacket.

   "I can't."

   "You can... You've practiced so long... You've put so much work and talent into this, Evan. There's no way you can mess up... And if you figure out how to mess up, it doesn't even matter. It's a high school play, and soon enough we're gonna forget all about it. You're gonna forget it since you're going to go to broadway, Ev, and do big shows... And I'll support you the whole way through it." Connor had run out of breath, not noticing he had used almost all of it just to deliver the small speech to the other. Evan almost had tears running down his cheeks, but he bit his tongue so he didn't mess up his makeup.

   "Thank you." Was all that managed to escape his lips, pulling Connor in for another kiss before they were hurried off to separate directions back stage.

    The sounds of unrecognizable voices started to fill the auditorium, and the once empty seats began filling at a rather alarming rate. Chatter began immediately about how Veronica was being played by a male.

   "Is that even allowed? Wouldn't the playwright care?"

    "That's disgusting, we're leaving..."

    "Whatever, I'm just here to see if any of these kids have talent."

    "That's... Pretty cool, actually."

   Jared smiled to himself as he sat just in the wings, taking note of anyone who spoke negatively about Evan in his role and deciding to cut any friendly ties he had with them.

    Will was nowhere to be found, only hearing murmurs from the tech crew of seeing him walk by quickly, pale faced, and looking rather blank. Evan felt a shiver run down his spine, doing his best to ignore the fact he was gone.

    Zoe noted there seemed to be a lot of crying before a show opened. She passed by one too many people sobbing their eyes out, talking about how they weren't ready or how something had been messed up. But somehow, when the lights dimmed to signal places, everyone was okay again.

    Evan took a long breath, the lights coming up on him as he clutched the book with loads of fake writing in his hands.

    "September first, nineteen eighty nine. Dear diary," He started only a second late, but to his relief nobody seemed to notice, and if they did they didn't seem to care.

   Act one went flawlessly, and Evan was almost alleviated to see Will on stage. The murmurs were true, his face was a ghostly shade of white and his expression didn't seem to change much. In short, something was off. His voice didn't sound as confident as usual, causing Evan's heart to drop a little.

   "Our love is god..." They trailed off, the lights cutting as a huge applause was heard from the audience. Evan and Connor shared a quick kiss, rushing off stage hand in hand to change for act two.

    A lot can happen in fifteen minutes. Fabric flew as the entire cast, around thirty teenagers, changed into different attire. Will disappeared again, and everyone thought for the better of it. Evan smoothed the same skirt over his body, smiling as he did another small warm up to keep his energy going. Jared to the side of Evan, squeezing him tightly and hearing the other boy giggle.

   "I love you so much, you're doing amazing."

    "You too! You killed it tonight, really." Evan gushed, hugging Jared tightly before letting him go so their makeup wouldn't smudge. Connor had to be on the other side of the stage for intermission, something Evan had grown unwillingly used to.

    A happiness lingered in the air of the actors, smiles on nearly everyones face as they prepared for act two. The crew was heard yelling, until an almost deafening silence brought over the entire group that had headphones in check. It was almost eerie, and Evan and Jared stood afraid. Within seconds the usual buzz had died down, and the crew rushed elsewhere to put things back into place. Places were called, and soon enough Evan was waiting in the wings again.

     Evan didn't know how a simple tap on the shoulder and than a phrase of words could change everything.

((tw suicide))

     "Will just overdosed. He's not going to be on for act two. We're gonna continue the show like nothing happened, just his understudy is gonna be on." The unfamiliar sophomore spoke quickly to him, patting him on the shoulder before rushing off into the wings.

   It was in that moment a part of Evan broke, but there was no time to break when you had to go back on stage and perform like every little fucking thing was okay.

    "For act two, the role of Heather Chandler will be played by the understudy."

    How he managed at all to get to Seventeen was unknown, but when he and Connor stood face to face and hand in hand, he broke again. Tears, hot and real, started streaming quickly down his face as he sung a ballad of some strange love to Connor.

    It was over. Will was over. His abuser and rapist was dead. One could be happy, but to be happy over the loss of a human life was a horrible thing. He couldn't be happy. Someone he once thought he loved was dead. What if he had been the reason? He could have been the reason. Thoughts rushed over and over in Evan's head as he belted out, and when Connor pulled him into the kiss he was snapped back out of his thoughts again. He kissed back with as much passion he could, leaving Connor gasping for air as they pulled apart. The song ended, the lights cut, and the change music played before the next scene started.

    Evan started crying again in the reprise of Seventeen, finally finishing the last notes and telling himself over and over to hold himself together for bows.

   Connor squeezed his hand, looking over to him empathetically as fake blood dripped down his chin.

    "I'm proud of you." Evan murmured, choking a little on his tears. He knew Connor had troubles especially during Meant to be Yours, and that night it seemed like he was unstoppable. Connor took it up a notch when he kissed Evan's cheek after their final bow, earning a louder cheer from most of the crowd.

    Evan couldn't find Heidi in the crowd, hoping desperately that she was just out of sight. Connor saw very clearly his parents, Cynthia waving happily while Larry's seat remained empty. Zoe squealed, hugging Alana and Jared tightly before dashing after Evan.

   "You did so amazing, Ev!" She reached out to wrap him in a hug but he turned around and glared, walking off quickly. Zoe's expression dropped, trying not to think too much of it as she went to find Connor.

    "Will's gone." Were the first words the director uttered at the cast meeting afterwards for notes, and a silence hung in the air. Evan was nowhere to be found, causing Connor's anxiety to rise up inside of him.

   "If any of you... Are struggling... Please find me or someone you're comfortable with." The director said helplessly, shaking her head slowly as tears streamed down her face.

   "Notes will be emailed out tonight. Go home, spend some time with someone you love... You all did incredible." She dismissed them. Connor had left seconds earlier, looking around every nook of the theater for Evan. He eventually found him, where they would before hide and make out between scenes. He was clutching Heather Chandler's scrunchie close to him, sobbing into his arms.

    And then, Connor broke too.

//

a.n: woah woah woah it's been a hot minute since i've updated anything but. here we go i guess.