*

Aquarius skidded to a stop once she arrived at her apartment building and parked in her designated spot. She sighed as she struggled to get her helmet off of her head. Ugh, why couldn't she breathe? She felt like she was suffocating! She finally yanked her helmet off of her head, and it fell to the ground. She winced at the loud noise. The sun had just set, and her blurred vision didn't help much. She got off the bike quickly and wished she didn't. She soon felt dizzy, the world started to spin, and she fell against someone's car and then held onto it as she threw up on the asphalt.

Shit, she was drunk. She felt fine when she left.

Pissed off and mad at the world, but fine. 

"Ugh fuck" she said as she looked at the mess on the ground before her. However, that was just what she needed. The ocean breeze also helped cool her off and steadied her. She closed her eyes and counted to 10. The world was normal again and stopped spinning. She wiped the sweat off of her face and her body welcomed the cool breeze. If she were truly drunk and insane, she would have taken her clothes off right there.

She's already broken the law this week, she didn't need public indecency, drunk driving, and public intoxication on her record, too. 

"Fucking cliché," she said to herself. What a rock star she was. She picked her helmet off the ground and then she heard a phone ringing. After a few rings, she realized it was hers and she grabbed her purse out of the compartment behind her seat on her moped. 

Nadia was calling.

She ignored it and saw that Nadia called several times, left a voicemail each time, and a text or two.

"Aquarius, again, I'm sorry but I'm fucking worried about you! It's not like you to be so drunk and driving?? CALL ME WHEN YOU GET HOME! Love you."

Aquarius rolled her eyes. She was still mad at her and wasn't ready to talk to her. She needed space and homegirl was going to get the silent treatment whether she liked it or not.

However, she could barely walk in her heels and she peeled them off her feet. She then slowly climbed the steps up to her apartment. By the time she got to her floor and then to her apartment door, Nadia had called three times. Why couldn't she give her the silent treatment and not give a fuck too??

Aquarius groaned as her cell rang yet again as she struggled to find her keys. After about a minute, she realized that she left them in the ignition on her bike. She groaned and drunkenly dropped her purse, heels, and helmet in front of her door and ventured down the steps once more. Once she made it back up, Nadia called an additional three times. 

She couldn't take it anymore. Once she opened the door, she walked in quickly and slammed the door, and double-locked it. She dropped her heels and helmet in front of the door and rummaged in her purse for her ringing phone.

"Nadia! Leave me alone! I made it home alright? Leave me alone!" she groaned as soon as she answered and before Nadia could say a word, she hung up on her. She hoped she got the message. She tossed her keys onto the kitchen counter and walked toward her bedroom. Her full-length mirror hung on the outside of her door and she wished she didn't see how she looked. She looked horrible. She had a few stains on her blouse and her hair was tangled from the helmet. One of her eyelashes fell off and her lip gloss was smeared. 

She looked a fucking mess. 

She mustered all the strength that she could and stripped naked and made a warm, bubble bath. This probably wasn't a good idea while drunk but all her brain could think of to fix how she looked was to take a bath. In between just sitting there and staring at the wall, she washed, gargled Listerine, and submerged herself underwater. Once she came back up, most of her makeup was gone but the eyeliner that claimed to be waterproof definitely wasn't. Cheap shit. It looked great on what's her name's Instagram. She washed her face and then just sat there again. Lost in thought, seething and ruminating about what had happened over the last 48 hours.

She fucked up, she really fucked up. 

Then her mind started to go to dark places. She should just drown herself right here in the tub, who would care? She was too tired and drunk to move. She cursed everyone who had gotten in her way the past couple of days. Susan, Simone, her fucking mom. 

Her fucking MOM.

How could she get in her way when she wasn't even around? How did she help in ruining her life when she didn't know where the hell she was?

How did her life become so fucked?

Let's go down a rabbit hole, shall we?

Aquarius Marie Simmons was born and partly raised in Harlem, New York in the run-down, crime-infested portion called 'Hell's Kitchen'. Well, that's how it used to be, now due to gentrification, Hell's Kitchen was no longer hell. Aquarius wasn't lucky enough to experience that. Her mother, Diane, is Italian and her father is Black. He left before Aquarius was even born. Even though she has never met him, she resents him. 

Her mother was a singer and her father was a drummer in the band she was in. She described their relationship like Teena Marie and Rick James. Sex, alcohol, music, and toxicity. When she found out she was pregnant, it basically ruined her dreams of being a singer and her father felt the same. How was he going to tour or join a band if he had a baby holding him back? They tried their best, both coming from broken homes, they didn't want their child to grow up as they did. However, it turned into exactly that. They were barely married for 9 months before he had had enough and found something better. He finally got 'the call', to go on tour and he took it. Diane threatened, it's the tour or me, and he didn't hesitate in deciding.

Her mother tried her best to move on without him. She sang at any bar or club that would accept her. When Aquarius was old enough to be quiet and stay out of the way, she brought her to work. However, she ended up working there too. She was 12 years old and singing in nightclubs when her mother would be too drunk to perform or remember the words. Aquarius was her saving grace. Instead of tomatoes being thrown, the crowd loved the 'cute little girl who sang like an angel.' However, once her grandmother found out about her daughter's drinking and taking her underaged grandchild to nightclubs on school nights, she threatened to go to CPS and get full custody. 

Stop drinking, stop clubbing, and get a real job.

She did.

They continued living in poverty all 13 years of her life until her grandmother retired and won the lottery. She got 15 grand a month FOR LIFE. Once her grandmother retired, she always went on cruises. She took many vacations and went everywhere but really loved Hamilton, Bermuda, and bought a huge beach house there after she won the lottery. She told Aquarius and her mother to come to stay and she was their ticket out. They literally went from Hell to Heaven. 

Aquarius befriended Nadia and they went to the same private school. With her mother's money, Diane enrolled her in anything she could think of. Piano classes, dance classes, acting classes, singing lessons, and art classes. Aquarius stuck with classical piano and singing and that's what she's trained in.

Like Aquarius now, her mother struggled with various temp jobs. From waitress to working on cruise ships, to social worker, she only wanted the best for Aquarius- which meant going to college, getting a musical degree as well as another degree as her backup. Aquarius didn't want to go to college. It just wasn't her, and even though she and her mother got along, that's the one thing they fought about.

A few years later, the summer after she graduated, her grandmother died and her money died with her. Bermuda is one of the most expensive places in the world to live. It ran out faster than they could imagine. They had to sell her house and again were in a broken-down apartment but in Pembroke, right outside the City of Hamilton. However, it wasn't as bad because they had a perfect view of the waters of Great Sound and the Atlantic Ocean, and could walk to the beaches with pink sand. 

Her mother's heart broke when her mother died so suddenly, it broke again when she failed at keeping her mother's precious beach house intact and once they moved to Pembroke, her drinking started up again. College was no longer an argument for them, her classical piano skills got her great scholarships but not full rides. They couldn't afford it and Aquarius was still adamant about not going. Now they argued about her mother's drinking, getting kicked out of bars and clubs, getting fired from jobs, and disappearing for days on end.

Sadly, Aquarius got used to it. It started off as her disappearing for a weekend because she met some guy. Then it turned into a week or two because she met a rich tourist. Then she just stopped coming around and stopped calling. Aquarius filed a police report and she was disappointed to find her mother only 10 minutes away but living with a few men, all of them druggies in a rundown bungalow. 

"Motherfucker stole my money. I was ashamed, I've been working hard to get it back" her mother had said to her as she shoved an envelope of cash in her hand. "Here this will tide you over, don't call the police again. These men have been really nice to me but they won't be if cops come looking for me understand?"

"So what am I supposed to do?!" Aquarius had exclaimed. Her mother didn't want to be found and wanted nothing to do with her and she thought handing her an envelope of cash after basically losing every penny they had would make it all ok?!

"You're a big girl now. You can take care of yourself. It's time to grow up. You should start singing at them bars too. Tell them I sent you."

Aquarius shook her head, she couldn't do that. Why would they hire an alcoholic's daughter that they had to fire and call the police on? She wasn't the best reference.

"I can't believe you're choosing these crackheads over me!? You need help. Just come home, Mom. Grandmother would be sick to her stomach if she saw you like this, leaving me all alone to care for myself?!"

She was met with a slap across the face and was told to never contact her again. "HOW DARE YOU BRING UP MY MOTHER!!!" she wailed in a drunken rage. Aquarius soon realized that alcohol wasn't the only thing that she was on.

They didn't speak to each other for months but when Aquarius started to have money troubles with keeping the apartment up on her own, she went back to find her but she was met with a demolished building. Next year it would be million-dollar condos, they gentrified that part of town real quick. No one knew where she was. She filed a police report but they still haven't found her.

Now, here she was all alone. Not even 25, struggling to survive; sitting in a bathtub, drunk and contemplating just ending it all. She had nightmares that her mother was dead and not only that but she went through a horrible death. Murdered, tortured, all the worst scenarios. 

She was already stressed out. Now, she was unemployed on top of that.

She felt her already wrinkly body getting heavy, the water was close to not even being room temperature, that's how long she had sat there, lost in thought. Her eyes soon closed and slowly her body started to slip down into the tub.

*

The Aquarian Neck: bends to allow the head to droop forward or tip to one side when thinking

*

Aquarius' chin was barely above water and she probably would have drowned if someone didn't start banging on her door at the right time. The loud knocks scared her awake and she gasped as she sat up in the tub. Did she just nod off or...?

BANG. BANG. BANG.

Aquarius groaned. "GO AWAY NADIA! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU! TAKE A HINT!" she opened her bathroom door and shouted toward her front door which wasn't far away. She hurriedly dried herself off and wrapped the towel around her. She twisted her curly hair up and wrung it out in the sink.

BANG. BANG. BANG.

"GO AWAY NADIA, DAMN!"

"I'm not Nadia," the person said and Aquarius gasped. She recognized their voice instantly and she didn't expect them to show up here at all. She had given up on them. She dried her hands off on her towel as she walked to the front door and looked through the peephole to be sure.

What were they doing here?

She pulled back the chain lock, unlocked the door, and opened it wide enough for her small frame to fit through. She kicked her purse, helmet, and shoes out of the way as she did so. Even though she knew their voice and she saw them through the peephole in the door, she still gasped when she saw them. "Wh-What are you doing here?" she asked them.

Ethan sighed sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck, it was something he did when he was embarrassed or didn't know what to say. He then noticed she was only in a towel, her long hair was still wet and was hanging down in front of her, dripping onto her welcome mat. Her eyes were red and some makeup that still hadn't washed off was around her eyes. He knew it, she must have been crying. "I had to see if you were ok. I'm sorry I showed up unannounced but-"

"How did you get my address?" she asked him. Only her temp agency had that information.

"I might've done some snooping, I'm sorry, this was a bad idea and I know I can get in trouble for this but I had to know you were ok. It's been killing me all day. I thought it was a lost cause but I should have tried harder for you back there. There have been past employees who have done much worse and some weren't even fired-"

"Welcome to life as a black woman," Aquarius said as she opened the door a little wider. "Gotta be twice as perfect and work twice as hard."

"I know-"

"I don't think you do," she said as she shivered some, the temperature had dropped and the cool ocean breeze was colder since she was soaked and wet.

"I do, Susan was out of line. If I had the power, you would be back tomorrow" he said as he glanced inside her small, dark apartment. He was even more surprised when he learned where she lived. He thought she lived closer to Hamilton. Not way out here.

She used to.

Soon a few dogs started barking and there were gunshots in the distance, Ethan jumped and looked around. Aquarius smirked. She was used to it. She knew who they were, they did this foolishness every night almost. She opened the door wider. "You wanna come in?" He immediately turned the alarm on his car below using his key fob and she opened the door wider so he could come in. "Don't be scared, they do that every night. Welcome to the hood" she smirked at him.

"I wasn't scared," he said and looked at her. "There's that smile."

He was going to miss that smile.

Fuck, why did he come here again? He really should just go.

However, as he looked around, he tried his best to hide his disappointment. He hoped that she lived with family and would be well taken care of, that she'd be ok. However, the apartment was empty and dark.

Aquarius only turned the lights on if she had to. But since she had a visitor...

Now it was her turn to be embarrassed, here she was, half naked and half drunk in front of her ex-boss in her low-income apartment. She hoped he wasn't hungry. She should offer him something to drink but she didn't have anything. "Um lemme just..." she said as she nodded her head down the small hallway leading to her bedroom.

"Um yeah, go ahead," he said and turned around quickly as she walked away. He ended up pacing back and forth until she came back. Her wet hair was piled on top of her head, she had on a maxi dress and her face was clean. However, she looked tired and her eyes were glassy.

"Um I'm sorry I haven't done any shopping," she said rubbing the back of her neck in embarrassment. "The best I can give you is tap."

"No, I'm alright," he said and she sat down on her only loveseat in the whole living room. All she had was a small tv, a coffee table, and a small loveseat. "I came to see if you were alright," he said as he tentatively sat down next to her on the loveseat. "Susan went above and beyond to make herself clear and it was rude and..."

"You don't have to apologize for that racist ass bitch" she said and Ethan's eyes widened. Their relationship was always professional. He's never heard her curse, or seen her cry, everything he thought he knew about her kept unraveling.

It wasn't a bad thing. It was just surprising. 

"Well, I know for a fact that she won't apologize, ever."

"How have you dealt with her for so long?"

"I know all her triggers. As long as I'm more of a help and less of a nuisance, she'll love me."

"Sounds about right," she said and sighed. She looked at him. Why was he here? To just check up on her? Ok. Well, here she was. Alive and breathing. She saw the car he drives, his wife, the clothes he wears, and the diplomas on his wall, the longer he stayed here the more embarrassed and ashamed she felt. "Why are you really here Ethan?" she asked him. She had a feeling but she didn't want to assume.

"You see right through me," he said as he got up and started pacing. "I honestly don't know but ever since you left, I just had to make sure-"

"That I'm ok. I will be. I have to be."

"You live by yourself?" he asked her. He noticed that it looked to be a two-bedroom. Did a roommate just move out? When he left here, he wanted to be relieved, not more worried about her. 

"Yes," she said shortly.

"What about your parents? I know that telling them what happened wouldn't exactly make them happy but, they got you, right?"

Aquarius knew where he was going with this. Why, she didn't know. "Never knew my father and my mother is out of the picture."

"Out of the picture?"

"It's complicated. Let's just say we don't talk anymore."

"I'm sorry," he said. She just nodded and looked down at her hands. However, they both noticed something, "You're shaking."

She got up in a flash. "I get tremors sometimes, no big deal," she said as she opened her fridge and wished she didn't. It was empty as always but she forgot that she had a full bottle of vodka there waiting for her. "You want a drink drink?" she asked him as she held up the bottle.

"No, go ahead, I'm alright," he said. She found a glass in the cabinet and ran some tap water. She went into her bathroom and he could hear her opening drawers.

"What else do you want to know?" he heard her ask and he paused. She swallowed her anxiety pill and then took another one just because. It's been a fucked up day. She walked out of the bathroom. "It's funny you said 'go ahead.'"

"I figured you need some after today," he said and she chuckled. 

"No judgment?" she asked him.

"Of course not, I know you're American but the legal drinking age here is 18."

"I know. I went to high school here. I moved here when I was 13" she said as she poured herself another glass. "I do need some after today but I've been drinking all day so what's another one," she said with a shrug. 

He figured as much. "I don't blame you," he said and an awkward silence filled the room.

She wished he would at least drink with her. She's been drinking all day alone. She filled the glass and he raised an eyebrow at her. "You dare me?"

"No-" and then he watched in shock as she took the whole drink down. A full glass like that had to be a few double shots worth! She then slammed the glass down and started coughing. "Ohmygod, Aquarius, you alright?" he asked as he walked into the kitchen which was just separated from the living room by an island. She continued to cough and then her coughs turned into laughs. He chuckled at her.

"Don't mind me, I'm a fucking mess" she said as she laughed and coughed. Her face was red and her eyes watered, she downed some water before filling her glass again with another shot of vodka. The 'I don't give a fuck' Aquarius was back. So what if she was drunk? She was home. "Don't mind me. Don't worry about me, Ethan. Look around you, my life is peachy fucking keen" she said sarcastically. "It's late, you should go home. Unlike me, you have an early day tomorrow."

"Slow down Aquarius, please. To be honest, I don't want to leave..."

"Why not?" she asked him. What did he want!? "What do you want from me?" she asked impatiently. Just having him here brought up so many emotions.

"I'm worried about you! I've been worried about you all day. As I said, Susan's actions today were out of line-"

"You said that already! I feel like you're talking around something" she said and then burped. She started laughing again. "I fucked up! Nadia and I got into a fight about it. She's the reason why I would've failed a drug test. She smokes every day unlike me. I only do it sometimes. It's all her fault but she said I have to take some responsibility too. I even said I was going to go in yesterday and do a half day but I knew I would be no good. I wouldn't have been able to concentrate. I thought I was doing you all a favor. I should have just listened to my gut. Mommy says I'm a big girl now, that I can take care of myself so that gives her the fucking reason to leave me here all by myself without any sort of guilt. Like how fucked up is that?" she asked as she began to ramble and started to get upset again. "She has to know I can't afford this place by myself..."

Ethan listened to her and he was starting to understand. It all started to make sense. However, she didn't need anymore to drink. "Hey slow down," he said, "Lemme get you some water."

"I'm fine," she said as she watched him walk to her kitchen sink.

"Gimme your glass," he said sternly and she looked at him. He turned the knob and the sink made a loud noise but nothing came out. They immediately stopped staring at each other and looked toward the sink.

"Oh fuck" she said as she held her own face in her hands. "What's today?" She picked her purse up and looked at her phone. "Oh shit."

"How much do you need?" he blurted out and she looked at him in surprise. "You're right, I've been talking around something. I want to help you out, help you find another job or an agency but then..."

"But then you saw how shitty my life really is," she said frustratingly and she downed the glass of vodka and grabbed the bottle. He snatched the bottle from her. "Give it back. As you can see, I can't even afford water right now" she said and then the tears started to fall. She walked back into the living room, sank onto the small loveseat, and started to cry. He immediately put the bottle down and was by her side. She then felt his arms around her. She tensed up at his touch, never being this close to him but she soon relaxed and relished in it. 

"It's ok Aquarius, I want to help," he said. His chin rested on top of her damp curls. "No judgments here. We've all been there, I want to help, that's why I came here. Honestly, truly. I wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight without knowing that's why I came here."

She looked up at him and he wished she didn't. Those sad eyes, those sad, teary eyes...

What happened next Aquarius couldn't believe. He cupped her chin in his hand and kissed her softly...

*

Aquarian Movement: is not graceful but has a purpose

*

https://youtu.be/SLCtH9lRj7Q