I carefully loosen my grip a bit and gaze for the one hundredth time down at the object in my hands. A beaming smile spreads its way over my face and I can't stop the tingling feeling that erupts in my stomach at the idea of giving it to him.

Will's going to love it, I'm sure of it.

I wrap my fingers back around it and continue my walk towards his front door. The trees bow up and down in a fierce dance with the wind. The pavement is littered with slowly brown fading pine needles but I just mindlessly walk through it, hoping that not a lot of these prickly things will end up in my shoes again. I mentally make a note to myself to get them all off my soles and socks before Nathan finds one in the house.

"It's just a few days more," I mutter to myself, "next Friday he's out of town and I'll pack my bags and tell Will."

I can't believe I'm actually going through with it. I've thought about it countless times, I just never had a reason to get better, you know?

I stare one more time at the pink hue in my hands.

Until now I guess.

I've already arranged my clothes in a neat order to just grab and cram into my suitcase. Nathan isn't allowed to know but last night as I lay awake on the bathroom floor with sore limbs and throbbing skin, I made a list of all the things I need to do and get ready, before what I like to call, D-day.

The day I finally leave it all behind me. Get rid of Nathan. Finally get my future back and it all will have been one bad dream in the past.

I could move on.

I could get Will back.

I could get myself back.

My heart beats excitedly in my throat. I take a moment to breath in deeply while standing before his front door, desperately trying to keep the butterflies down. 

It's like I can't even feel the bruises on my skin anymore, like everything just sort of fades from only the idea of being with him. With one trembling finger from anticipation, I push down on the doorbell. A serene gong echoes inside the house and I clear my throat one last time. 

This morning I went to the mall with Piper and we strolled past this boutique with funny looking sunglasses. When I saw the ridiculous, tiny pink thing hanging there, I knew I had to get it for Will. 

My heart flutters at the memory of the two of us in the club, laughing with pink sunglasses hippie man... Everything had almost seem so...

normal.

Like the old days, the good days with only the two of us against the world, where nothing hurt yet. 

I want to go back to those days. 

I'm going, to go back to those days.

I glance the house up and down but I see no shadowy movement behind the tainted glass and hear no hurried feet rush to the door. I frown while I peep at my watch. 

11 a.m... He should be home. 

"Weird." 

I press in the button a second time, ignoring the way my leg bounces beneath me. I wait another five minutes before the front door, sunglasses shifting from hand to hand before stepping down the little stairs with a deep sigh. I trudge down the paved path in the front yard while kicking at the pine needles on the ground. 

He probably got a call from the Roman Room or something. I feel myself deflating like a balloon, the happy feeling quickly replaced by sadness. 

Bummer.

I nearly walk past the dark green hedge when I notice the fence to the backyard standing slightly open. An uncomfortable feeling tingles in my gut. For a moment I just stand there dumbly on the driveway, sunglasses wrapped in my hand and wind blowing through my hair as I try to decide what to do.

Someone must be home or else it would have been closed. I sigh deeply before a thought shoots up to my brains. I could lay the little present on Will's desk as a surprise? 

A grin glides over my face and with newfound hope, I race towards the fence. Cold sparks through my gloved hands as I push the fence the tiniest bit further open to slip through. In the distance, I hear the faintest booming of music coming from the backyard. I turn my head towards the curious sound when I notice Joana crouched down with her back towards me, music box next to her and humming along to Ariana Grande as she weeds the garden. I smile painfully at the sight of her. God, how I wish I could talk to her again the way we used to.

"A few more days." I whisper as a mantra. 

I'll tell her everything, just not today. I tiptoe past the glass sliding door and glance inside to see a mess of blond hair staring at the flashes of bright cartoon characters jumping by while biting on her thumb in between giggles. 

"Summer?" My voice is impossibly silent. Oh God, she has grown so much! Last time I saw her, she still had those plump cheeks small children tend to walk around with. Joana was barely able to braid her blond streaks into a plait and now it reaches all the way over her shoulders. For a few seconds I just have to stop and watch her. I think I never realized how long I had to miss her until now. My heart aches terribly. 

She laughs at a dog racing over the screen and I quietly walk further. She hasn't heard me over the sound of the tv. With as much patience and subtleness as I can muster, I wring myself through the glass sliding door and almost with my hands on the ground, sneak past the sofa towards the stairs. I don't dare to breath until I'm upstairs, the childish, yelling voices sounding distant again. Light as ever, I walk over the carpet towards the door I know all too well. 

The world seems endlessly far away from me. I can only walk as if hypnotized towards the room I hadn't dared to enter in almost a year and half. The dark hallway seems to swallow me whole as I rest my hand on the wooden surface. I take a deep breath in and forget for a second I'm supposed to breath out again. My grip on the sunglasses tightens as I push the door gently open. 

There's an eery silence hanging like a loaded cloud above my head. The curtains are closed and only a muddled light tainted with a brownish hue breaks through, some dust floats in a timeless swirl in the air above me. I nearly didn't see him standing there, one hand clasped onto his desk and the other around a device, his back towards me. My smile grows wider.

He probably didn't hear the doorbell. This is even better, now I can both surprise him and see the goofy smile that will light up his face when he sees my stupid gift.

 I trace one last time over the sunglasses that I'm holding before I try to clear my throat. Before I get the chance to do so however, his voice crackles from out of nowhere through the room.

"I just want to see you and Summer again. It's her birthday next week isn't it? No, I haven't forgotten!"

My breath itches in my throat. 

Is that...

"I bought her this ridiculous purple unicorn toy which I just know, she's gonna love. Because it got glitters all over it and was like, the most unnecessary thing in the whole store"

His voice happily continues but it feels as if the air is punched out of my lungs. I freeze in absolute terror, Will's fingers clench tighter around the device. 

"I can't wait to give it to her."

I try not to hyperventilate, knowing what will come, knowing the words that will follow. Countless times have I listened to it after his death. 

"Hopefully I'll get Nico to go with me this time. He's amazing mom, you're gonna love him."

The sunglasses burn in my hand. I let it slip out of my fingers as it clatters onto the ground, making rings of pink light swirl around it in the midday sun. Will doesn't even turn around.

"Hopefully I'll get-"

The recording scratches as he pushes the button to rewind it again.

"Hopefully I'll get-"

His fingers dig so hard into the device that I'm scared he'll strain them.

"Hopefully I'll get Nico"

Again.

"Nico- "

I can hear my breathing getting erratic in my own ears but I can't seem to force my lungs to suck in air.

"Nico- Nico- Nico."

His happy voice seems to sing my name as Will pushes the record back over and over. The horrifying sound stops as Will lays the device down with a calmness he doesn't have. I can see every muscle on his shoulders and back tighten into stone. 

"Liar."

I feel every every drip of blood freeze in my veins as I realize he knows, I'm standing here. His words hold so much spite even in that softly whispered way. He turns towards me and I can see fire raging in his blue eyes. 

My fingers tingle from the rush of blood to my head. I don't think any words will come out, I think if my lips part, only vomit will spout out. 

He sneers with a shake of his head, taking in the sight of me. His eyes hold mine for an immensely long minute while every possible excuse or explanation floods my brains but not one is able to make it to my tongue. I see so many emotions flicker on and over his face that it makes me nauseous to my core.

He knows.

"Pudding brown, it's pudding brown Nico." He points at my face before lifelessly dropping his arm again in defeat. 

"I didn't believe it at first but... I guess the only voice I can trust, is my own." He's scary like this. I can see the rage hiding beneath the surface of his skin. It's just a matter of time before he lets it out.

All at once, my mind jumps into overdrive and I dart forwards.

"I can explain! I can explain all of it, you have to listen to me."

He turns his head away from me, "I don't have to do anything for you anymore." His voice is unforgivingly low.

"Will please!" I clasp my shaking hands around the sides of his face, feeling every strained muscle under my fingertips as I try to bite back the burning feeling stinging in my eyes.

"Please." My voice is merely a shuddering breath. He closes his eyes and I feel his jaw tighten. 

"Please Will."

My throat constricts with raw panic and I try to gasp for air.

"I'm sorry." No longer able to look at his unforgiving face, I let my head fall against his chest. He stays unmovable, his crossed arms blocking me from the sound of his heartbeat. I desperately trace his soft skin with my fingertips. Trying to hold him a little bit longer, trying to keep him just one minute more. Every second. My hands grip into the fabric of his shirt.

"I am so incredibly sorry." I barely get the sentence out with all my sobbing. My gut clenches at the silent form of rejection. His arms never wrap around me, his forgiving smile never breaks through his stone-cold expression and it just makes me want to vomit out my heart.

"I am, I so am."

Tears flow freely over my cheeks and drench his shirt. His hands grip mine rather tightly and push me back from his chest. His warm, comforting presence feels miles away again. I look up through the blur of my tears only to see broken blue eyes.

"And what does that bring me?" 

he drops my shaking hands out of his grip. There's rage blooming behind his eyes. My view wavers for a bit as I feel myself shrinking before him.

"As if losing your friends, your family, your freaking memory isn't terrible enough, I have to lose my trust too?!" He roars.

My bottom lip doesn't stop quivering no matter how hard I try. Drops fall down on the carpet beneath my feet.

"Will..." I whimper desperately. 

"I trusted you!" His finger stings into my chest, "You, Nico Di Angelo, who had countless of opportunities to tell the truth and you didn't!" 

I'm shaking so badly, I think I'll fall over any second now. My insides contract so violently at the hurt in his words that black spots dance before my eyes due nausea. I can't even see my hand anymore but pure on feeling, I reach for his.

"L-let me," my shoulders are shocking with every word, "let me make it up to you. I promise I'll make it up to you." I'm near begging now. The tears don't seem to stop flowing. 

"Promises of you," He scoffs with a sneer, "don't seem to be worth much." 

I gaze up and everything about him is just so cold. I try to intertwine our fingers but he harshly pulls back. 

"You," His finger jabs into my chest and stays there for a moment, "are a coward and a liar." his eyes are sparking with rage, his voice quivers with madness. I feel like someone just punched the air out of my throat. 

"You don't mean that," My voice cracks with repressed emotions. He shakes his head with a tired scoff. 

"How much can I mean of it if it's the truth." 

With heavy eyelids, I gaze down at the floor and let the enormous weight settle on my shoulders. Memories of the first time that I lost him flood my brain again. The desperation, the hysteria the absolute shredding sadness.

There it is again. 

"Give me another chance." My eyes are burning as I look back up again, "please." 

He takes a step backwards from me as if I'm a horrifying monster standing in his room.

"That was your chance two, completely how you wanted it without me knowing a thing." he shakes his head again, making curls of golden hair bounce with the movement. The ones I loved to bury my fingers in so much, the ones that felt so soft in my neck.

"And you blew it." 

I take a falling step forwards but he dodges me. Hands hovering before me to hold him, touch him, keep him...

Please don't go.

Oh dear lord please don't go.

"Will please don't, please don't," I sob, shaking my head frantically. My knees are buckling beneath me but somehow I manage to stay standing as the world tumbles around me. 

"I'm sorry, I truly am!" I cry out with a hoarse voice. 

He takes another step backwards. His eyes narrow into blue slits as if the sight of me blubbering before him absolutely repels him.

"Your boyfriend Nathan, I didn't know what to think of him honestly. I thought he was a bit rough with you sometimes, that he was a bad person maybe. I think I see now who the real bad person is." 

Throwing me under a wrecking ball might have been less painful than the hitting of those words right in my heart. I numbly stand before him with blood-shot eyes and tear streaks on my cheeks. There's sadness in his expression but not a flicker of regret.

He means it.

"All those preaches you gave about staying with Steve? Where you ever going to tell me?!" 

"I was about to!" My voice completely gives out.

"Bullshit!" He roars back.

"I was!"

"Liar!" the walls seem to shake around us.

I close my eyes, squeezing out the wetness while covering my ears with shaking hands.

"Don't yell at me," I whisper weakly. Flashes of livid green eyes doom up in my memory.

Will just carelessly goes on, "Those flashbacks, those headaches, that tearing uncertainty... you were just going to let me soak in that and leave me there?!" 

I squeeze my hands tighter against my head, until the throbbing pain there becomes louder than his raging voice. 

"Were you?!"

I keep my eyes closed.

"Nico, were you?!" 

His hands yank my arms back down again and my eyes snap open in surprise. I cry out from the pain that sudden movement brings to my elbow. His chest is heaving up and down. His watery blue eyes are on fire.

Pain, hurt, sadness, regret it all bubbles right back up and shoots through my veins as I push him back with more force than intended. 

"The only one who left, is you!" I scream my voice raw. 

He stumbles back against his desk but doesn't lose his balance. His wide eyes are scanning my face up and down. I gasp for breath as the boiling anger morphs into guilt. I cover my mouth with shaking fingers. He stares at me with zero recognition, a whole different unknowing look than ever before as if he's observing a beast. 

"Get out." The whisper barely leaves his throat. I stand frozen on the floor, my heart beating painfully in my chest.

"Will..." 

"Get out!" He yells with returning anger. His eyes glazed over with wetness. I shake my head, tears dangling on my jaw. He marches back forwards and grips my arm. 

"Will please!" 

I can't resist his strength as he forces me to walk backwards out of the door. We stumble through the doorway before he half-drags me over the stairs. From downstairs I can hear the hysterical crying of Summer echoing so harshly around us that it makes me nauseas to my core.

"Oh Summer..." I breath in shakily.

The poor thing heard us. 

My red-rimmed eyes lock with hers and she erupts into the loudest bawling mess, the sound piercing through my ears. Will ignores her with an expression contorted with pain.

"Will!"

I try with all my might to walk the two of us back to his room but it's no use. 

"Will!"

His grip on me tightens.

"Your going to leave me and my family alone, do you hear me?" He hisses only loud enough for the two of us to hear. I've never seen his face this angry, wrenched with betrayal and hurt. A sob breaks out of my throat, I try to squeeze it into a word but my voice is cut over by aguish.

"Let him go!" Summer screams hysterically. Her otherwise fair little face completely puffed up and bright red with tears dangling on her cheeks and snot dripping from her nose. Her hands curled up into fists as she lifelessly stands by with that ridiculous child innocence every raging little kid has.

Too young to know what to do.

Too young to stop it.

"Let go!" 

We walk towards the door and all that is left for me to do is to stare at the person I once loved so much, loved so deeply and without limits. The only person that was always there, loved me. My resistance floods out of my muscles. Will squeezes his eyes tightly closed as if he can't bear to look another second at my face. Tears slip past his cheeks and I can feel his movement waver for a bit. 

I try to smile through the madness, through the wailing of Summer, through the blur of my sadness and his touch that never should have been this rough. 

I nearly choke on the sound of my laugh.

"You," The warm feeling that had always been there in my chest freezes at the sight of his opening eyes, "were the world to me," I breath out the words while my heart aches at the honesty in them.

Not one thing I've ever said in my life, have I ever meant so much as that sentence. 

From up so close, I can see his blue eyes shatter into thousands of splinters. My smile slowly fades out again and I know that not one accusation or insult could have ever hurt him this much as those warm, softly spoken words. An iciness sets over me and fills every vein in body. 

I try to take in every detail of his golden face caressed by the sun. Memory after memory floods my mind as the two of us stand there, frozen before the front door.

"Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!" From the side, Summer rams her arms into Will's stomach. Her cries make every muscle in my body contract to a ball of stone. Will ignores her effort with an expression filled with agony. Everything struck me all at once.

This is how much I am hurting him. 

That I could make his mother lie for me and his sister cry like this.

I truly am

a monster.

From out of the glass sliding door in the living, I can see Joana running through the backyard, gloves to weed the garden on her hands and mud stains on her arms. Her eyes wide and frantic, alarmed by the commotion going on. She tries to open the glass door but it seems to have fallen shut. Summer's crying must have reached her all the way to the back of the yard.

"Will, open up, what's going on?!" Her muffled voice asks while banging on the glass door. 

"Will open up!" another loud bang. Will's eyes never leave mine. Summer clings to my legs like a petrified koala, her wet face buried in the cloth of my jeans. I pet her back with a shaking hand while murmuring obvious lies to her.

"It's alright, it's okay, you can let go Summer."

Will's hand releases my arm before pushing open the door behind me with a stone cold expression. I try not to shiver at the wind blowing in my back. I don't know what's freezing lower, the weather outside or my heart. Black strands fall before my face but I don't bother to wipe them away.

"Go." His voice cracks from restrained anger.

I gently try to push Summer back. Tears dripping on the top of her blond head. So much so that it's all just one blotch of skin and blond locks before me. 

"No!" It only makes her arms snake tighter around my waist. I rest my hands uselessly on top of hers. My vision is spinning before me, the colors meshing into a violent blur. I can taste the bile in the back of my throat.

I'm really going to lose it all a second time, aren't I? Only this time I'll have no one else to blame but me. 

"Summer, I'm sorry."

I poke her quickly under her ribcage and her arms jolt loose of their grip. 

Her ticklish spot. Her only one.

"No! Let me go!"

She claws like a feral cat when Will takes the opportunity to rip us apart. The banging at the glass door grows louder, more desperate.

"Please go," Will grits out through his teeth.

New tears stream silently over my face. 

"Will..." 

"Go!" 

Summer kicks and punches with wild flailing arms but Will endures all of it. 

He'll do anything for his family.

To assure, they're not hurt.

And right now... I'm the only thing hurting them.

Still somehow, I can't seem to move my feet from their place. Dreading the moment to come, wasting every second there is left to waste with him. 

"Five more minutes."

His voice trickles through my memory like a soothing wave.

"Five more minutes with you."

"Will please, let me explain." My chest is heaving. Panic is clouding my thoughts and making my head dizzy. It seems impossible to breath.

"One last time Di Angelo," his voice is dangerously low, "go."

I shake my head while biting my quivering lip.

"Let me explain," I block the way out with my arms. Fingers digging into the wood of the doorframe, "Please."

"Don't make me do this." he blinks the tears out of his sight, lashes wet from salty drips.

"Will..."

He grips a fist full of my shirt and pushes me backwards. My feet stumble over each other as I fall down from the tiny stairs. Pain shoots up my spine as my head hits the pavement. Summer starts bawling impossibly loud. Her fists punching in his stomach.

"You're a mean brother! I hate you!"

I quickly push myself up into a sitting position, ready to puke the guts out of my body. I reach for the throbbing spot on my head and nearly pull back my hand when I feel the slippery liquid trickling on my fingertips. 

My wide eyes dart up to Will who seems to be paler than a tube of glue. 

"Di Angelo," tears stream over his face, "don't come back." 

The words aren't even out of his mouth or I have scrambled back up again. I run towards the door but he bangs it closed right before my face. I hammer my fists on the smooth wood.

"Will! Will I'm sorry! Let me explain please!" 

My fists rest uselessly on the surface. The pain that bubbles up from my insides is so overwhelming and all-consuming that I double over with a cried out sob. It feels like my heart is going to stop as every muscle in my body contracts with anguish. I can hear my rushed breathing but there's no air filling my lungs anymore. 

Go.

I need to go.

I turn so quickly from the door that I almost fall over the stairs a second time. I stumble away with a wheezing chest. My fingertips are tingling and black spots are dancing in my vision as I race out of the street. 

Tears are blurring my sight as I run with burning eyes. The air is stinging in my lungs as I pant from the sobbing and effort of dashing away. I can hear a car start in the distance but I just run without one glance back over my shoulder. 

Away from the years of misery.

Away from the house with my worst and best memories.

Away from the pine trees.

Away from him.

Don't come back.

------------------------

No words needed.

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Sike, I like talking to you guys.

I know this story will not reach the numbers that be brave for me did, because dear lord that was hIgH, but, if you have a lot of solangelo followers would you please promote this story? I'm just trying to get a bit more readers because my votes are still ridiculously low. Anyways thanks for being part of the solangelo family here!

(one more exam to go, wish me luck.)

Yours truly,

Skydreamer1 xxx

one more thing, if you see any grammar mistakes, please correct me, thanks.

and if you want to say 'the door is standing a little bit open.' what do you use? Ajar? In my language it's 'op een kier' but I can't find a definite translation in English.

Plus, one more thing, I swear it's the last thing, I need someone who can correctly write Italian (or is Italian) for my next chapters because I don't trust google translate and I want to create high quality content for you all. 

Let me know if you want to help! (It's just five sentences or so.)

vote, vote, vote :)