Hawaii was behind us and we were settling back into the mansion. We had arrived in the early afternoon, with enough time to rest up and get ready for tonight's cocktail party and Candle Ceremony. At least this time, I knew I was in; it was hard to believe the last one was just a week ago, and I had been so worried that I damaged my relationship with Harry beyond repair. Hawaii seemed like a fantastic dream that had lasted a lot longer than a week.

With the few of us left, we chose private rooms in the mansion this time, but I suspected we wouldn't stay put for too long. Ariana stayed in our old suite, and I was a few doors down. I felt a little sad, thinking we wouldn't be as close anymore, but physical proximity - or distance, as the case was - didn't have to limit our friendship.

It was getting harder to tell who would stay and who would go. I hadn't paid much attention before because there were so many of us. But now that Harry was narrowing it down, I wondered who would go. He seemed to have a decent connection with everyone. I knew for sure that Ariana would stay. I went back and forth a lot, trying to figure out if Lucy or Victoria would stay, and Jordin intrigued me, too. Harry really seemed to like her, but it was hard to see if there were any sparks between them. I was fairly sure he hadn't much chemistry with Brittany but he had surprised us before by keeping people we thought were sure to go. 

Three people were going to be eliminated tonight, and then it felt like the real competition would begin. Four people would head into Week 5. At the end of Week 5, there would be three left to compete in the final week. Ugh, compete sounded so impersonal, as if Harry were a prize to be won.

Knowing I'd make it through the next week was a comfort to me, but I had pondered what Harry said when he told me he had to figure out one more thing. When we sneaked away and we were lying on the beach, his words were simple, but they kept playing over and over in my head. "I don't want to hurt you. I will try my best not to. I just have one more thing to figure out. I promise. Just be patient with me."

I knew he didn't want to hurt me, but he made it sound like he might not have a choice. I mean, I wouldn't want him to choose me only for the sake of not hurting me. If he chose me, I wanted him to be absolutely, ridiculously in love with me, more than anyone else on the planet. It made me uneasy to think that he might be so much in love with more than one woman that he couldn't really decide whom he loved more.

So what did he have to figure out? Was it something about me, or about himself? Was someone hiding a secret? It was maddening to not know, although, even if I knew, I wondered if I would be able to change anything. Maybe he had a certain criteria for his ideal mate, and if I didn't have it, I doubted I could just go out and get it like buying something new for myself at Macy's.

I focused my energy on choosing just the right outfit for the Candle Ceremony, instead of worrying about what would happen in the coming week and beyond. I pulled out a dress in Celadon green - I know, me and my color obsession - which is basically a light sea-foam green. With spaghetti straps, a light chiffon-type material and a bit of glittery silver along the neckline, it was elegant, but not ostentatious. I had bought a pair of dangly jade sea turtle earrings in Hawaii, so even if they weren't the most fancy, I wore them because they reminded me of Harry and the fantastic time we had together. My sparkly silver pumps completed the outfit perfectly.

Walking into the cocktail party, I smiled graciously at Lucy and made my way to her. "So, how are you feeling about tonight?" I asked in a completely harmless way.

She looked at me strangely and said, "Fine, thank you for asking." I don't think I was just imagining that her voice sounded a bit smug.

"I'm not trying to start anything," I said apologetically. "I just know the nerves get to all of us on a night like tonight."

"Yeah, you're absolutely right," she said, her face relaxing into a smile. "Didn't you just love Hawaii?" She asked.

"It was brilliant. I loved it so much, I actually want to move there now!" I laughed. "Was it anything like that, growing up on the beach in Australia?"

She shrugged and answered, "A little, I suppose. The sand and sun, and of course the ocean. But Hawaii has such a different culture, so...I don't know how to explain it. It was just so...slow and relaxed.

"Absolutely," I grinned. "And the way everyone catered to us like we were royalty. I could get used to that," I joked. "Kai sure seemed to take a shine to you."

"Are you accusing me of something?" She said, suddenly turning defensive.

"No, I'm not," I insisted. "I didn't mean anything by that." 

"Well, I need another drink," she said curtly. "I'll see you later." She walked away hastily, leaving me to analyze what I could have possibly said to offend her.

Harry arrived shortly after that, looking as smashing as ever. This would be so much easier if he was ugly or stupid or just a jerk. But I had yet to discover one real fault of his that would turn me away. I'd seen him angry and hurt, and that was my fault, but those were normal emotions, not character flaws. I wondered if I should be suspicious of his seeming all-around-good-guy persona. He was simply too good to be true.

The cocktail parties were so much easier now since there were fewer women. Harry came to me and just by being his incredibly handsome self, he made my knees weak. And when he said, "You look stunning tonight," I swooned just a little. It had been less than 24 hours since our date in Hawaii, and my heart was still soaring. I craved more alone time with him, but that wasn't going to happen tonight. He noticed the sea turtle earrings and I told him they would always remind me of the best time I'd ever had. 

When Harry moved on to greet some of the others, I caught sight of Merle and hugged him awkwardly, since he had a camera on his shoulder. "How have you been?" I asked while he chuckled at me.

"Fine," he said, still smiling. "How were your travels?"

"Amazing!" I said. "We went to Hawaii and I just can't even begin to explain how fabulous that was. Why didn't you come along?"

"I was just hired for the parts of the show that are filmed here," he said. "They take a smaller crew when they travel, believe it or not. But I had a nice break with my family."

"Glad to hear it," I said.

I looked around and everyone seemed fairly laid back, which was unusual for a Candle Ceremony. Even Lucy, who fled from me for no obvious reason, seemed pretty relaxed now. Hawaii had been medicinal for all of us. The competition was ramping up, but Hawaii had a way of injecting serenity into our souls. I don't know whether it was planned that way, but it certainly worked.

Ben called us all together and told us it was time to get started. "I hope you all had a great week in Hawaii."

An emphatic "yes" sounded around the room.

"Well, it's that time again. Last week, your loved ones were with us for the Candle Ceremony, and now it's just us again. Harry will be sending three of you home this week, and after that, there are only two weeks left. I know it's not easy for him, but I know Harry well, and I'm certain he's doing what he thinks is best."

He turned the floor over to Harry. "Ben's right," he began. "This is very difficult. I'm completely honest when I say that I had an incredible time with each and every one of you this week. I truly hope you'll stay in touch if you go home tonight. No matter what, you'll always have a special place in my heart."

Harry set his large candle in the middle of the candle holder, which only had four spaces left for the women he would choose.

Without further hesitation, Harry spoke confidently. "Harper." I smiled widely as I approached him. "Harper, will you stay?"

"Absolutely, I will stay." He hugged me and I just wanted to stand there holding him forever, but we eventually had to part.

"Lucy," he said next, and Lucy stepped forward happily.

"Ariana." Of course she was chosen, and of course she accepted. That was a no brainer.

Ben interrupted just to remind everyone that there was only space for one more candle. The remaining three women would be packing their bags and leaving tonight. This was getting real. I mean, really real. There would only be four of us left after this? How did I come this far? And how was I going to live with being sent home if Harry didn't choose me?

"Whenever you're ready, Harry," Ben said and stepped aside.

Harry took a deep breath and said, "Victoria." She gladly lit her candle while the other three absorbed the news that they were going home.

Jamie was already in tears, Brittany was visibly upset, but she had told me she didn't think he would ask her to stay. If Jordin was upset or heartbroken, she didn't show it. She accepted the outcome graciously and as she hugged Harry, she thanked him for everything. I hugged all three of them good bye and it was harder than I thought. Brittany and I had been together since Day 1, so it was very sad to let her go. I promised to keep in touch, but I think she just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible because her heart was hurting.

After the three of them left to pack, I looked around at my remaining "competition." It felt so degrading to think of them that way. Harry was looking for his wife, so this was serious business. Deep down, I knew that all I wanted was for him to be happy. I hoped that I would be the one to make him happy, and I knew I'd give it my all if he chose me. But I also hoped that I would be able to let go with grace, the way Jordin did, if he chose someone else. In the end, Harry was the only one who could really decide who was best for him.

* * *

Back in my room, I changed into my pajamas and then sat on my bed while I pondered on what to do. It was approaching midnight; we had called it an early night because of our travels and the jet lag that went with it. But I was nowhere near ready to sleep.

Something was occupying my mind, and that something was Harry; specifically his statement on the beach about having only one more thing to figure out. I mulled it over and tried to look at it from every angle. Was he trying to figure that one thing out about one person? Or something about himself and therefore, needed to do some soul-searching?

I laid back, thinking about how much I had wanted to kiss him and hug him and say I love you to him earlier tonight.

I sat up suddenly and said, "That's it!" I knew I had a piece of the puzzle to help him figure things out, even if it wasn't the specific piece he had mentioned. I made a conscious decision to break the rules and sneak away, knowing the hidden path to the house where Harry was staying. I threw on a sweatshirt since the night air was chilly. A storm was approaching and the winds had picked up a bit, and I thought I heard some rumbles of thunder in the distance.

Wanting to beat the storm, I opened my door and listened for any signs of activity. Then I closed it quietly, making haste as quietly as possible down the two flights of stairs to the rec room, where the door was that led outside. I stopped, looked, listened, one last time before sneaking out the door and across the damp grass. It was a little harder to find the opening in the shrubbery while the darkness of the storm was closing in, but I finally found it and made my way through.

What if Harry wasn't there? Or what if Ben was with him? I wondered if I could get kicked off the show for doing this, or if they would just give me a big slap on the wrist. I honestly didn't care because I knew I had to tell Harry because it was just bursting out of me.

I crept around to the front of the cottage-like house and saw Harry through a window. I waited to see if there was a sign of anyone else in the house with him. Nothing. So I gathered my courage and knocked lightly on the door. I heard Harry's footsteps and my heart raced.

He opened the door a crack and his jaw fell open. When he recovered, he asked, "What are you doing here?" He opened the door wide and pulled me in quickly. The only thing on his body was a pair of athletic shorts, so I quivered just a bit at the sight of his bare torso, covered in all that beautiful black ink. 

"Hi," I said, fumbling for the right words. I mean, I knew the right words, but should I just come out and say them, or was there some build up to saying such a significant thing.

"Are you okay?" He asked, chuckling at my disheveled and dumbfounded appearance.

"Y..yeah, I am. I just needed to tell you something. And I didn't get a chance earlier. So I came over here because I found this secret path to your house the first day we were here. I hope no one saw me."

"I doubt it," he said, chuckling at me stumbling over my words. "What's up?" Just then lightning flashed, followed by a heavy rumble of thunder. 

I took a deep breath and just blurted it out. "What's up, Harry is that I love you." Just as abruptly as I'd spoken, I stopped and waited for a response. He looked a little shell-shocked for sure, but I didn't want him to feel obligated to say it back. "It's okay if you don't feel the same way, or if you're not allowed to say anything; I understand that. It's just been building inside me this whole week, and I thought it was important for you to know that I really, truly love you. And that's very important for you to know. I love you, Harry," I repeated slowly and solemnly.

Instead of saying anything, he threw his arms around my waist and lifted me up to meet his lips, which were soon hungrily connecting with mine. Boldly, I wrapped my legs around his waist and he moved his hands to support me under my thighs, all without breaking our kiss. His mouth was warm and sensuous and it made all kinds of feelings arise in me. With my arms wrapped over his shoulders, he walked us down the hallway and into his bedroom. He didn't bother turning on the light as he laid me down, falling on top of me with all his weight. 

Slowly, I shimmied up the bed and he followed, lying beside me with one leg slung over mine, one hand cradling my head, and the other arm wrapped around my waist. One of my arms was pinned under him, and with the other, I freely explored the bare skin of his back. Smooth as satin and hot as fire, his body heated up under my fingers.

The thunderstorm was roaring outside, lightning flashing, followed by raging thunder only seconds later. The storm was surrounding us, protecting our forbidden moment together.

Harry's mouth moved slowly, as if he were savoring a fine delicacy, his tongue snaking into mine to retrieve bits of sweetness and then retreating, leaving me craving more. I became a bit more assertive and walked my fingers up to his hair, slipping them into his curls and tugging just enough to induce a groan from his throat. Then I held his head more firmly and pushed harder into the kiss, taking control of the depth of our embrace.

With a small grunt, he rolled me on top of him, broke the kiss just long enough to give me a smug smile and then resumed. I believe he was enjoying my aggressive side. I spread my thighs enough to straddle him, which elicited a groan from my own throat upon discovering his aroused state. I ground down against him and rocked a few times, unmistakably causing pleasure for both of us.

His mouth opened, breaking from the kiss as he panted my name. "Harper," he said with a strain in his voice. "We shouldn't." His words hit me strangely as his fingers wound into my hair, pulling me away enough that I could see pain in his eyes. I was sure that stopping at this point would cause pain elsewhere, too, but I knew that he didn't want to go back on what he shared with the other women on the plane to Hawaii.

I nodded, trying to reign in my raging breath. I slowly climbed off of him and I was going to stand up to leave, but he caught me. "I don't want you to leave. I just think we need to..." He took a deep breath and it sounded like it was a challenge for him to continue. "...wait." He opened the covers on the bed and beckoned me to get in next to him. "But I want to hold you. Please." 

I crept in, forcing my brain to switch from sexual to chaste. I faced him and he pulled me close. 

"I'll set my alarm for 4 AM," he suggested. "That way, if we fall asleep, you can still make it back inside before anyone knows you've been gone."

I nuzzled into his chest, kissing one of the swallows on his shoulder, my breath cooling the sweat that was beaded on his skin there. I could hear him sigh deeply. "It's not that I don't want to," he whispered. "I really do. I mean, I really do!" He emphasized and I giggled. "But not yet."

"I know," I whispered, hoping not yet meant it would eventually be with me, but I knew better than to ask. I never wanted to demand an answer from him, although I desperately wanted to know. I simply finished by saying, "No pressure, right?" 

He laughed. "You said that the first time we spoke, over the computer. Remember?"

"Did I?" I said, not recalling the exact content of our conversation.

"Yeah, and you've said it a few times since then. Maybe it's just one of those things you say without thinking about it," he said. "But I've always found it helpful, like you sincerely didn't want to put any pressure on me, which is huge because this whole process if full of pressure by nature."

"I might say it lightly, but I mean it. It's not going to help you or anyone else if you are pressured to do things or make decisions you're not ready for." 

"Thank you, Harper. For everything you've said and done. I think that, out of anyone here, you're the one who really gets me, you know? Somehow, you understand what I'm going through, and you're considerate of my feelings, not just your own. You'd actually be surprised at the number of women who started our relationship by talking only about themselves. Of course, that's an important piece of the process, but it just made me feel like they already made judgments about who I was, so it didn't matter if they took the time to get to know me." 

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"You've never made me feel like that," he said, kissing my temple. 

"Still, I'm sorry that people are like that. Obviously, relationships are a two-way street. And I have a confession to make," I told him.

"What's that?" 

"Before I met you, I kind of thought I had you figured out, too, but in a different way. I lumped all celebrities into one category - filthy rich, spoiled, self-centered, eccentric. I'm sorry now for thinking that way because you turned out to be someone completely different."

"Well, not entirely different," he said smugly, hiding a smile. "I am filthy rich." And then he started laughing his adorable laugh and I couldn't help but want to keep it going. 

I sat up and tickled his sides, while he defensively tugged his arms in to protect himself. "You think you're so funny, huh?" I laughed while still trying to find his weaknesses.

He finally grabbed my wrists to halt the attack. "As a matter of fact, I do think I'm funny." He stuck his tongue out at me, which made me laugh harder and collapse across his torso. 

I readjusted myself so that my face was pressed against his butterfly. His hands sifted through my hair. "Remember that first night when I asked you what you would do if you won the lottery?" He said softly. I hummed a quiet yes. "You said you would take care of your dad and maybe put away money for your kids' college savings. You didn't say anything outrageous like buy a boat or a Maserati. That's how I feel about money, honestly. Sure, I have nice things because I have the money to buy them, but that's not my motivation for any of my success. I love what I do, and I'm happy about the money because it means I can take care of my family. But I also know there's a lot more to providing for a family than just money." 

"Like actually being there for your kids and not running away," I whispered as my voice got choked off.

"Yeah, exactly like that," he said, holding me tighter. Neither of us slept, but we laid there happily in each other's arms, occasionally talking, but most of all, just enjoying being close until his alarm rang.

Eliminations this week:

Brittany
Jamie
Jordin

Remaining Contestants: 

Harper
Lucy
Ariana
Victoria

_____

Just one update for today :D xoxo

** Did anyone catch my Jordin Sparks pun? It was totally an accident until I read the chapter over one last time, lol! **