Books don't offer real escape, but they can stop a mind scratching itself raw. 
-David Mitchell

I quickly learned that much like my escape is books, Asher's is sleep.

When we got upstairs, after answering a good few questions and calming his worries, the nice guy fell asleep with his head on my thighs, arms bundled underneath my body as his chest covered my lower half.

Thank god I have a big bed, otherwise his large frame would be hanging off uncomfortably.

Almost instantly I hid in a book, one hand flipping my pages while the other ran through Asher's insanely soft hair. 

The tension that was hidden behind his mint green eyes almost instantly vanished when he fell asleep, his already light hands felt like whispers against my skin.

This was comfortable.

This was easy.

I'd never have thought I'd have this with another person, be able to do anything remotely as calm with someone that I love quite like this because I'm an adrenaline junkie.

I crave adventure and chaos and danger, I risk it all for a good time and I laugh when it doesn't end well.

Yet with him it's calm, it's quiet, seeing him settles me down and the only time my heart pounds is when I'm doing something new, or exciting, or if he kisses me when I don't expect it.

And I like that.

He's safe, calm, quiet -and I don't seek those things, I never craved those things until I met him.

I put myself in danger all the time, being careful was taboo, it didn't occur to me how good safe felt until I was in his arms.

God, I've turned soft.

But it's all true.

And sometimes, sometimes I'm not so sure that's a good thing.

A light touch on my lips wake me up, it takes me a second to fully understand that the quick cold brush was Asher pecking me and then trying to walk away.

Which, of course, is something I don't like him doing -the walking away part.

My arms hook over his shoulders while my legs lock around his waist, forcibly keeping his body down on mine.

The nice guy accepts his fate and simply rolls over, letting him be lazy and not have to keep his full weight off of me. His large hands cup my cheeks, lifting my head from the crook of his neck. "I know you're awake Munchkin. Stop hiding."

"I'm not hiding, I'm tired." I rebut, slowly opening my eyes to look at him. "So fucking handsome and you're all mine."

A giant blush spreads across his cheeks, making a smirk spread on my lips. 

Asher pulls me down into a kiss, probably to stop the smart ass comment I was about to make about how red he is.

Our lips move together slowly, it's clear that this is a good morning kiss just by how languid it is, it's sweet and simple and I love it.

Asher pulls away first, making me want to pout. "I've been awake for awhile, I was just checking on you. It's around noon, your cousins want to do karaoke and were waiting for you to wake up. There's coffee in the pot."

"Oh. I'm not going." I reply bluntly, placing a kiss on the side of his neck. "They'd get us kicked out of whatever bar they took us to. Plus they'd probably bring us to the one I go to, and I don't want you in that environment."

"But you go there." I can hear the pout in his voice, which makes a chuckle escape me.

"I know that, but we're different people." Lightly scraping his neck with my teeth makes him tense. "You should know that." 

"I-I do...it's just-" Asher gasps as I begin to give him light hickies again, my tongue dancing over his pulse.

"It's just what?" I ask teasingly, knowing very well how I'm affecting him. I kiss his skin again, loving how the cold chases away my burning heat.

"You look so, so fragile but you're just...not."

I quirk a eyebrow up, moving my button nose and lips over his skin under I can peck his cheekbone and look him in his eyes with a question. "Do you want me to be fragile?"

"No!" Asher seems to blurt this, hands skimming up and down my sides. "I want you to be as strong as you are, I like that...I like that you're so capable of defending yourself and, and I wouldn't change that. It's just, I wish I wasn't so fragile. I hate that compared to you, or anyone in general, I'm as weak as I am."

"You're not weak." I scoff. "You just don't use the strength that you have because you're too nice. You're probably on of the strongest guys I know, the different between strength and brutality is unnecessary force and hurting when something doesn't need to be hurt. You haven't crossed that line. Now maybe, you should stick up for yourself more than you do but no one can blame you for that. You're not weak, your strength is just shy -I guess. It's just a thought, don't take it to heart."

Adding this after I see his little frown, so very different from his smile that it seems to send a pang down my throat and into my heart.

"Seriously Gold, ignore me. I really don't know what I'm talkin- Mph!" A squeal leaves my mouth at a alarming rate when cold lips are suddenly on mine.

"Every time I think I'm hopeless...you say something, usually the exact thing...that I needed to hear...and then boom." The golden boy grins down at me, not in my feral way but as a genuine look or tweaked any way. "I have hope again."

"What can I say, I'm here to brighten everyone's day. Now I might brighten it with hell fire, but it's lighter all the same."

My smirk falls off when Asher laughs, the sound vibrating in my own chest. He looks so pure in that moment, I can't help my smile.

"Nu-uh," He shakes his head, hands sliding up my thighs before giving me a squeeze. "You're too cute to be from hell."

"I don't know...us devils have to trick you somehow. If we'd be ugly, we'd never fool anyone into loving us. My parents are prime examples, if Dad was any uglier than they'd never have gotten together."

Asher shakes his head, disagreeing. "I think they would have. It's personality that matters, and for people who've been together so long that must be what they love about each other."

"They met because they had to strip down at a drunken party and play 7 Minutes in Heaven. So obviously, as sweet as it is, your theory is far from the truth. My parents are apparently just really attracted to one another, as gross as that sounds." Even my nose crinkles at the thoughts, a slight pout on my lips.

I don't even realize I'm doing it until the Asher's eyes darken and he looks at me in unintentionally flirty, I-really-wanna-kiss-you kind of way.

"If you're not careful in how you stare at me, this whole 'taking it slow' thing is going to go a hell of a lot faster then intended." I inform him, making red spread on his cheeks as the nice guy flushes. Just to mess with him I love my hands from his shoulders to skim down his chest until my fingers hook into his sweatpant hem. The fact I'm sitting in his lap helps. "And we wouldn't want that. Right?"

Trust me, I absolutely would not have a problem with that.

In fact -I crave it.

But with nice guy, waiting comes strained but naturally. With his past I know even a little pressure on the subject and he could easily become emotionally detached. Of course, I'd never want to do anything without full consent.

That was one of the first real-life lessons Dad taught me, because in this society rape is prominent and as much as guys are pressured by other to lose their V Card and play girls, some just aren't ready.

Girls, well, just about everyone knows the kind of bullshit girls have to go through when it comes to consent and sex.

People say consent is sexy- -bitch please- -lingerie is sexy, consent is a basic human right.

I have no idea if Asher was ever abused in some of the ways I was, and even still, touching other people can be a struggle when you've been abused any way.

I'd hate myself if I made him feel bad, or violated just because I'm a little hot and bothered...even if he's the one 'bothering' me.

Scars become a big player when it comes to things like sex for me and him.

We're both vulnerable in the same way, and we know that and understand it, but I also he's not the type of person that would speak up if he feels uncomfortable.

Because my senses- -thanks Dad- -are on point, normally I can tell when someone's mood has changed, or what they're feeling by simply observing them.

...my problem is, in a situation like that when my body is focused on other senses and my mind on other things it becomes all to easy for me to miss something.

"You look really sad at that thought...I really am okay with not waiting, it doesn't have to be that big of a deal. I'm okay with it rea-"

"Shut up." I snap with a roll of my eyes. "We're gonna wait until waiting wouldn't even have to be said is a issue. That's not what that look was about, I just really don't want to hurt you in any way and my thoughts got carried away. And sure sex isn't that big of a deal, but in a actual relationship rather than a one nightstand it's a big connection. That connection has to be good, and consensual and right. If something like that isn't right, I don't want it."

Speaking from past experiments, of course.

One night things can be good sometimes, for casual sex.

But doing it to try to mix myself only made me worse, I was able to enjoy it one out of five times.

It was never truly right though, and I always regretted it after.

My parents have always been supportive, and thankfully we're close enough that I could come to them after and talk about it. They are awesome and didn't judge, but rather gave advice and tried to help me. If they thought something I was doing was wrong, then believe me they told me, but they never punished me for it and always made sure I had what I needed.

Once I got super drunk and didn't remember much of anything, my dad was the one who got me a morning after pill and took me to Planned Parenthood and got me tested no questions asked. Though he made sure to scold me enough after it was all over, so now if I ever that drunk or high, I have to call him or Mom.

Something I don't mind as much as other kids would.

"Well um it -it actually is, sorta a big..." His words fade out, so soft I can't even hear them.

Focusing back in on my surroundings I look at Asher in confusion, "You'll have to repeat that a little louder."

"Listen Liza. It um, it is a big deal...because, uh, it um...you're my first girlfriend, obviously uh, you already knew that...and um, shit...why is this so hard?" The nice guy looks like he wants to smack himself.

"Actually it's not hard and I think that's the point." The look he sends me is a pained form of exasperation, so I raise my hands in mock surrender.

I guess that kind of jokes aren't appreciated right now.

Despite this, a small smirk tugs at my lips but I manage to simply flash my sharp teeth once before I hide them behind a blank mask.

Mint green eyes dance around the room, portraying the obvious nervousness that's flowing through Asher along with the grip he has on my thighs. It's not painful, just a big harder than what I'm used to from the shy golden boy.

"I've never done, um, done 'it' before." He forces out, the redness on his cheeks showing me just how embarrassed he is.

His muscular arms come up to hide my view of ridiculously handsome face as he let's out a strangled groan.

My jaw practically dropped at this, my mind reeling. "You're a virgin?" I sputter, my mouth taking over where my thoughts couldn't. "How the fuck is that even possible? Maybe fuck isn't the right question..."

"Oh my god...just can you not say anything until I'm done dying. Please Blue, just at least be quiet." Asher begs, voice muffler through his sleeves.

Asher's a virgin...

And I've been over here talking about sex as if it's been a everyday thing for me before he showed up.

Oh God, he must think of me as some sort of slut, even the nice guy has standards.

How has he acted so normal, well as normal as he can get, about these conversations and the waiting.

Why hasn't he just told me, it's not like that's a bad thing.

It explains why he's so uncomfortable and awkward about so many other things.

"Wait, wait, wait." I forcibly pin his arms down, which makes me lean over him more. "Was I your first kiss?"

"You couldn't tell?" His voice, although still deep, is squeaky compared to normal.

My eyes widen as that gives me all the answers I need.

"What? But you -How the fuck was that your first kiss? Is that why you freaked out so much?" The barely noticible nod along with his gulp and dilated eyes only add onto this information. "Why, why, why Asher? Why didn't you tell me? I wouldn't let you waste your first kiss on me! I'm not the right person for you to even think about giving that part of yourself up to, God what have I been thinking? I'm not good enough for you! I'm staining you and you just went along with it. The hell is with you? That's not really something you can take back, I mean, you can't undue sex. You'd regret doing that with me so much, especially for your first time. What have I been thinking?"

I begin to roll off Asher's lap, uncalled for tears pooling behind my eyes as his large hands stop me in place.

"Liza, look at me." I refuse to, and keep my gaze locked on his chest. "Please Liza." I just can't.

I never let anyone know how worthless or used I really feel, let alone how stained and I just told him, a completely unfair load to put on my boyfriend when we should be talking about him right now.

"Eliza please, there's not a better person that I could think of to spend my first time with. You won't stain me, you're not dirt you're human. And for the record, I really did think you could tell that was my first kiss. It was good on my end, but that's probably because you know what you're doing. This whole thing is new to me, and we can take it as slow as you want but I'm ready. I won't regret us, or anything we do. Ever. I love you, and if that's not enough I don't know what is."

"I love you too...but I still don't think you should waste something this important on a person like me." I say, hoping gw understands.

"It's not a waste if it's you. It's a gain, a amazing, beautiful gain. I want you, it's a little too obvious you want me." I have enough ego left in me to wink at this. "And we love each other. Personally I think that's the perfect combination."

Giggling slightly at this I feel the tension in the room wash away, and we're back to the normal safe vibes I always get when we're together.  "If you say so."

"And I do."

"Okay, so it's not a waste. Or wrong. But it still needs to be talked about."

"Deal?"

"Deal."

"A deal it is then." He says, I nod in agreement.

God damn I need some coffee after that.