It doesn't matter, none of it. I have books, new books, and I can bear anything as long as there are books.
-Jo Walton

My plan- -to sit quietly in the corner of the room, on the much to small windowsill and read so the two friends could ignore me and talk quietly together without me intruding- -worked.

A little too well, since Link told me at least three times he forgot I was even in the room until he noticed me move. Asher is sad. Anyone can tell that. I think me being around him is making it worse -making him remember.

Reading, instead of filling me up with the life I felt I was missing, seems to drain me, make me numb. Better than the rest of my emotional bullshit, I think.

But it sucks, you know, it sucks that books just aren't enough anymore. I want books to enough. I want to be just fine with just reading, but I'm not. I want more, I crave more.

I crave him.

All my life I've found comfort in books, found comfort knowing that just around the corner of any bookcase I found peace between pieces of paper and a wooden spine.

"Elle -You're awake? Did you even sleep?" Lincoln stammers, having just woke up when I scoff because of what I just read. I want to shout at these characters for being so stupid.

"Yes." Glancing up at him I made a split second decision to lie.

I didn't sleep at all last night, didn't even give myself time to rest.

"That's bullshit. You've been awake all night, like some creepy humanoid bat." Anderson calls me out, surprising me with his overly cheery presence as the asshole walks in. Why does he look so happy? "It's time for...drumroll please...you guessed it! Tests. Yay. Come on, don't look so gloomy. Celebrate good times, come on!"

"Please never open you mouth and choose to sing again." I say, glaring at him from above my book. "I hate tests. So good luck because I refuse to do all the pointless shit."

Giving me a harsh look the doctor continues on, "You could die. Stop being so stubborn Wolf. I don't want to see your face ever again, let alone see you in here, so the faster I can get done with these tests and make sure you're okay, the sooner that could happen."

"Oh hop off your high horse, you aren't so pretty to look at yourself." I insult him back with ease. "And you know what, if I die, it's no longer my problem."

"Eliza," Anderson says, my name a clear warning.

"Untwist your panties and while your back there pull your head from your ass." I tell him, but looking back down to my book was a fatal mistake as it is suddenly pulled from my hands making me growl.

"Stand up and let me run the tests or I'll read the ending, tell you what it is, then burn the book anyway so you have to buy a new one and wait to see how it all happened."

My blood seems to run cold at this. Not my books. "Okay, okay!" I instantly surrender. "I give. I'll do the damn tests, just give me my book back."

"Thank you for complying," Dr. Tate says smugly. "Though you probably will be complaining the whole time."

"You know me so well," I mutter as Anderson gives me instructions to take off my sweatshirt so he can start to put little wires and cold patches to the test different functions of my body. "I feel like we're best friends already."

"How sad is it that I've had to spend that much time with the devil's daughter." Anderson playfully voices this under his breath. Despite that, the second I start to sway the asshole is there to catch me.

"Real fucking sad I tell you." I manage to say while pain laces up and down my body, running through my veins as I flash my sharp teeth in warning for him not to hold me so tight before squeezing my eyes close.

Anderson pauses, features switching from amused to controlled anguish. "Wolf did you-" His voice is lower than normal, in a bad way. "Did you get another tally mark?"

Instantly I seem to go numb, my whole body tensing at the thought. I'm sure the look of pain spreads over my face as I end up staring blankly up at the doctor, lost in my own thoughts.

The tally marks.

Those six small white lines on the inner of my thigh that Travis carved into my skin after each time he sexually assaulted me.

Six tallies, six times.

Him and Grace kept me for almost seven months, at the start of each he would take me into the basement bedroom as a way to celebrate another month of being with me -the 'worthless bitch' in his mind.

Though I must not have been as worthless as he said, if Grace got somehow jealous her boyfriend raped me.

Anderson starts to get visibly mad, I can see it in his eyes. He gently grabbed at my shoulders, forcing me to meet his eyes as the startling depressive emotion snapped back into me.

"Did you get another tally mark?" This time his voice was softer as if he was afraid I'd break.

I shake my head with just a small movement, but it's enough to tell Anderson everything he needs to know to let out a heavy breath. I can practically see the relief flowing through him.

Smirking, albeit weakly, I raise a eyebrow at Anderson. "Why? Did it manage to get a asshole like you worried?"

"Hell no," Dr. Tate says, faking being offended at this. "It would just mean I'd have to do more of those tests you love so much."

My whole mood sours at the mention of tests, I can feel my heart sputter and strain in my chest as it works too hard to make me stay standing. I grumble darkly as my nose wrinkles in sync with my pouting lips.

"Will this take long?" I ask, glaring at the doctor when he continues to prod at me for a good half hour.

I'm still ignoring Asher and Link's eyes -the golden boy having woken up right after I stripped down to my tank top. I know they're both staring at me, mint green eyes wide while dark green eyes narrowed.

Asher is upset and confused, while Lincoln is suspicious of something. Something involving me.

Tsk.

Mysteries.

"You know how long," Anderson replies, not sparing me a glance.

I just sigh, having been through this process so many times that I could probably tell him exactly what the tests would, and perform these tests on another person. All this is purely because- -although half of it is unnecessary- -the asshole Anderson wants to annoy me or my mother worries too much.

"Two things. You still have my book and I'd rather be reading." I say, growling lowly at Anderson's amused expression as he's clearly about to insult me.

"Two things. I'd rather you not be injured and have to see your face."

And there it is.

"Ouch." I say, my voice sounds bored but in reality I'm just trying desperately not to look back at the sets eyes that watch her eyes move.

Still Dr. Tate does my tests for nearly a half an hour, and instead of catching me the next time I sway he laughs while the ground spins around me.

Link's the one that catches me, both of us scowling. Him due to the contact and me because now I'm less than five feet away from Asher.

And of course, now is when Evangelos decides to stroll back into the room, a smirk on his face as he eyes my scars -light green, almost yellow eyes focusing on one spot in particular on the crook of my elbow.

Travis'

Just fucking great.

"How many times did you have to fuck him until he out that one you?" My cousin sneers.

At this Anderson snaps. He punches Evan in the nose before the sharp breath I took in is exhaled, breaking it with a sharp -snap!

I flinch, reeling back into Lincoln more.

Though we're not the touchy kind of friends he's always been the protector in my eyes. My body knows he's safe and though I never thought a situation were make me cowere into the redhead this is one, apparently. Because I know damn well with my heart in the condition it is I can't fight this for myself, and I can't even yell at someone without feeling it pound.

Link puts a arm out in front of me, trapping me between him, Asher, my bed, Anderson and then Evan. I don't think that jack-asses words can reach me all the way over here.

"Thanks Weasley, asshole." I murmur, shame and disgust filling me so much at Evan's words that I'm unable to meet anyone's eyes.

"Since I've already kicked you out and you keep coming back, why don't you stay. Security!" The doctor yells in the hall, the same large man that kicked him out before comes in. "Please escort this man onto the third floor and sign him in for a broken nose."

His expression curious until anger fills his eyes, realizing someone bothered either Anderson or me enough to get hurt.

Which, admittedly, wasn't that hard to piss one of us off.

The entire time he's picked up onto his feet and dragged out the door Evan is swearing up a storm, cussing out Anderson.

I start laughing at this, and I know seeing my cousin with a broken nose shouldn't fill me with as much joy as it does. Either way I end up laughing so damn hard that I crash onto my bed, coughing like I'm ninety year old trying to do crack. "That was great!" I say with a small giggle.

That made my day, I have been waiting for a while for Evan to get what he had coming, and today seemed to be the day.

A grin spreads on my face, the first one in a while.

Then I feel the spasms deep in my chest, thundering against my rib cage.

"My heart-" I barely have time to speak before I start coughing again, the asshole rushes to holds me up in a sitting position as I feel hot liquid fill my mouth and spill through my lips -dripping past the fingers I put up to hold my cough in.

I can see the slight panic on Anderson's face, and the self-doubt as well.

Because right now, at this moment, since all the tests were okay there's no telling what is actually wrong with my heart and something as simple as the wrong medicine in my IV bag could be the end of me.

He need to start thinking straight, he's been through this with me before and I'm still alive so obviously something went right in his thought process.

"You look like you forgot a-all your training." I quip, making the doctor snap out of his thoughts. "Test me again."

"You hate tests," Anderson says blandly, but I could instantly see his mind go to work. "Stand straight, I won't hold you up." I do as he says, but find it incredibly hard to stand still without tipping over.

"I remember times like this. Just let me sit down for a while, I'm pretty sure i-if I keep standing I'll pass out."

"Yeah, and next time you're feeling like this don't be such a idiot and not say something while I'm doing tests." The asshole Anderson reprimands me. "You're a survivor, remember? A Wolf."

"And I'm still not a morning person." I mutter, blinking rapidly as the ground spins under my feet as Anderson lets me sit back on my bed.

More blood comes up.

He brings a crash cart in, just in case, as well as hooking me back up with a IV and the Holter monitor. He hands me back my book, looking stoic. "Just read while I monitor you, you'll be okay. I promise. Got that Wolf?"

Irritation instantly flares in me, because around times like this that's all I hear people say.

You'll be okay. You'll be okay. You'll be okay. You'll be okay. You'll be okay.

When does it stop? When will people admit that I'm not okay, that it probably won't be? Why can't they say that. When will they learn not to give false hope?

"Stop saying I'm okay. I'm not okay. Tell me if I'm going to die. Tell me the sun is going to explode. Remind me my world imploded and nothing's okay." I meet Asher's mint green eyes for a second, long enough for me to regret the action. "Tell me there's nothing I can do about it. Tell me I'm not okay. Tell me because if I hear it's going to be okay one more time I will leave and you won't even get the chance to fix me before I'm dead."

After this miniature rant I'm met with silence, before Link cracks a small smile, shaking his head at me.

In that exact moment he reminds me of Xander, reminds me that at one point I considered him my brother. That at one point, that thought became irreversible.

"Hey Eliza?" He says, I nod slightly. All eyes are on him, but he doesn't seem to notice or care. I know that right now, all that's going through his head is that he wants me to be okay. "The sun's going to explode."