nothing to lose but sanity
Winter was rolling over like a cold blanket and the first shower of snow was due any day now but the shiver that rolled down her spine wasn't one of the chills that the coming winter brought. It was of excitement and maybe a bit of nervousness.
She tried her best not to make her stare obvious. From the corner of her eye, she glanced at the beautiful woman with blonde hair.
It wasn't the first time she was mesmerized by someone really. While growing up, she was accustomed to always being surrounded by people so much more beautiful than her. And though most people would feel jealous and grow bitter of beautiful people but she admired that. She was an artist of a different sort. Thought of herself as a old camera. Memories of a lifetime stored in the form of a film in her mind. And she never forgot a face.
Yes, occasionally, it was hard for Clarabel to match names to faces, but she never could ever forgot a face even if she wanted to. Even if she tried to.
And the woman sitting a few seats far from her was beautiful in every single way.
With hair so blonde that it shone in golden in the glow of the early evening sun. Eyes so blue and true and a smile that made her look like a teenager even though she was so much older than her looks. She was wearing an off-shoulder pearl white frock that had a light sheen and adored her so well and on her feet were delicate pearl white shoes that matched her apparel.
The woman hadn't noticed Clarabel's fixated stare on her yet; her focus was at the woman and the child that sat on her lap next to her. And her laughter sounded like musical bells that rang synchronously along with the laughter from the three-year-boy in the older woman's lap.
The bus lurched to another stop and off climbed the woman and the kid without a glance at the younger woman beside them and Clarabel frowned at that. It was really an odd and disturbing sight that people never seemed to notice the lady. And a shame indeed. But then again, it was their loss if they never made time to talk with her.
She took a shaky breathe in and tried focusing on the words on the screen in front of her. A blank document.
She frowned a bit in frustration. She wasn't going to get any thing done at this pace. The new article had to be up in two days and she had to submit it to the editor before that. She trifled through her mind for ways to word the latest bit of news but instead, found her mind drifting off.
Would she like to have dinners outdoors in a park or the rooftop or a small mini-makeshift one in the bedroom or the living room?
'Focus' she reminded herself but to no avail because in a few seconds later, she found herself staring at her again from the corner of her eyes.
She couldn't really explain what drew her to the woman. Maybe it was the way she dressed, or the ever-present smile on her face regardless of the day, or the weather or any other factor in fact, or maybe it was how she never seemed to age, Clarabel couldn't really be sure what it was. But whatever it was, it was really good because it was as though she could never look away again.
At the same time, infatuation was not a new thing to Meadows, she was well accustomed to what it was. She did have many crushes growing up, from celebrities on TVs to fangirling about the perfect 'guy' in her life, she was well-versed about the stages of infatuation and at that juncture of her life, she was a bit surprised that she could still form a crush.
Well, maybe more than just a crush. She looked over the woman once and blushed a bit when she noticed the blush on her cheeks from smiling so wide. God, she was whipped. Obsessed. She couldn't stop thinking about her.
It had been that way since weeks now. She noticed the woman every day in the bus and she always wondered which stop she got off at but never had she once gotten off, which might have seemed a bit sus for the logical Clarabel but when infatuated Clarabel came in, logic was tossed out the window.
A tiny question entered her mind.
What if you just fucking go and ask her all the questions you think of all the time instead of wondering about everything?
Oh God, no. Daydreaming about her and talking to her were two completely different things altogether. Clarabel could make up every single scenario in her mind, think about all the things they could talk about, fantasize about cute couple-y things but talking to her? No, absolutely not!
She had always been the shy type. Bold yet shy. An oxymoron, that's what Clarabel thought of herself as. A mix of opposites that didn't really make sense and yet made perfect sense. She got cold feet and blushed really bright when she had to talk to a person she liked, but when it came to standing up for other things of the society or her friends? It would never be a bother, a pleasure in all honesty. She didn't really understand herself on most days.
Odd was the question she asked herself - why didn't she? What was she scared of that she wouldn't talk to her?
She pondered for a moment. Maybe it would be the question of whether she had ever noticed Clara and the answer would be nope. Or maybe, it would be the fear of getting her heart broken by yet another and having to carry that heartbreak for the rest of her life. Either ways, she was scared. And not doing that.
Her phone buzzed in the pocket of her odd-creamed colored cardigan. It wasn't a color everyone could pull off but Clarabel made it look gorgeous. Her screen lit up with a text notification from the 'Old School Quote Joint' community she was a part of on Reddit.
Her eyes skimmed over the printed words on the flat screen and her jaw went slack as she re-read the words.
It's a risk to love,
What if it doesn't work out?
ah, but what if it does?
Thinking about the same words over and over in her head and she was curious about how it felt to be in love. Oh no, that wasn't the word she was really looking for. Clara wondered how it would feel to have her love reciprocated for once in life. And not the puppy love she had fostered years back for a boy that she called her bestfriend now.
She shut down the app and shoved the phone back into her back pocket where she had taken it out from and faced her the bigger screen once more.
And just like before, she was focusing on the wrong thing instead.
She looked out the window to her left, there was still some time left before she had to get off.
Fuck it, what's there to lose?
She stood up and got out of her seat. She smiled at the other people who smiled at her when she passed by their seat, usual faces she had come to memorize by then but her focus wasn't them, it was someone else.
She came to the seat where the woman sat. Her eyes downcast as she looked at something in her own hands and Clara asked in a tone that was very much unlike her usual tone, "Uh, can I sit here?"
She looked up at once and had astonishment written all across her face as if she couldn't believe that it was really happening but said nothing to her. Clarabel took the lady's silence to be a 'yes' and sat next to her on the empty cushioned seat.
Clara sent a silent prayer to the Gods above, murmured a 'here, goes nothing' and shot a charming smile, "You're really cute, you know? Not really one for noticing beauty but yours is kind of hard to miss-"
"This isn't right," Clarabel heard her say, and her voice was just as beautiful as her looks and there was a grave yet astonished expression on her face, "You're not supposed to be able to see me."
Clarabel blinked as the crease between her furrows deepened, "What do you mean?"
"I said what I meant," she repeated with her frankness in those deep blue eyes of hers, "You shouldn't be able to see me."
And just like that, Clarabel wondered if it really was a good idea; deciding to take a chance. She had nothing to lose, except maybe her sanity.
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