Simply put, the cedar forest of Greenwoods is an absolute disappointment.

It feels almost mockingly so, given how "disappointment" is a word I heard often growing up.

The forest is a lot smaller than we initially imagined. It's not as dense as most of the other parts of the forest, which is to say there aren't that many cedar trees to begin with. It's evident that there used to be a lot of trees here at some point in time, but most of them have been cut down. Now the only sign of their existence is the remnants of their trunks, roughly the size of my lower arm.

"Wow, um . . . " July clears his throat. "Not many members in the family, I see?"

"They've been murdered," I say, as I look all around at the mess. It can't even be called a forest anymore. It just seems like someone randomly planted a bunch of identical trees here and there and called it a day. It almost feels like a sad, tragic wasteland. Okay, maybe that's a slight exaggeration.

I'm more affected by this than I should.

"Well, cedarwood is quite popular, you know?" He looks up. "But hey, they're so tall!"

I do the same and indeed, most of the remaining trees stretch far up towards the sky. Cedar trees look a bit like pine trees. Their branches don't stretch too far from the trunk. And the leaves, which are incredibly green, are arranged in flat bunches, reminding me of those miniature Japanese bonsai trees.

After staring for a while, it doesn't feel that special anymore. I let out a long sigh. "We came all the way for this?"

It took us around three hours to reach here. I called up Tiara and asked her about how to get to the cedar forest from the motel. She laughed for a long time from the other end of the receiver. Apparently the idea of Cedar visiting a cedar forest is funny even outside July's rotten sense of humor. Tiara ended up telling me the exact thing Mr. Aziz had: to find that trail and follow it for twenty minutes. I told her that there I have a traumatizing memory there, so no way. She probably thought I was kidding. But she then told me a different, longer route.

During the call, Tiara also mentioned that aunt Sayra's lost ring has been found. She left it in the bathroom of the house of her friend Sara, the one who got married recently. After she found out, she wanted to badly apologize to me, and tell me to come back. But Tiara didn't give her my number. She thought I would need more time to get over it.

"I'm not mad at her, Tiara," I told her, "but you're right. I guess I need a bit more time." The scar was a bit deeper than I thought. Tiara, too, is wiser than I thought.

Presently, July shrugs. "No need to be so sad, darling. It might not be the best, but family is family, right?"

I let out a laugh. "You're going too far with the family narrative now."

"'Cause it's funny!" He giggles. "Anyways, aren't you gonna choose a tree?"

"Ah, right." I look at the polythene bag in my hand.

July and I decided that we're going to leave a memo of our visit to this forest. We're going to choose a tree and carve our initials on it. Then we will dig a hole right under that tree and bury something memorable for the three of us.

And by three, I of course mean me, July, and Dawn.

"Well lucky there aren't many to choose from," I reply, feigning excitement.

"Wow, you're really salty about this." July grabs the tree near him, presses his feet against the bottom of the trunk, and does a clean half-swing around it. Then he hugs the trunk tightly with both his arms and looks up, his eyes dreamy.

I walk up to him. "What lewd things are you imagining now?"

He bursts into laughter. "Lewd? Never thought I'd heard that word from your mouth." He laughs some more, then shakes his head. "I was thinking . . . imagine if we were born in Greenwoods? Or like, somewhere near a forest. Then we could come here everyday, secretly meet up. Go exploring the various parts of the forest. Bath in the pond. Maybe make a little hideout spot for ourselves in the cave."

"Fall into a snake hole once in a while. Maybe get lost without food and water."

"Uff!" He slaps my arm. "Don't ruin the fantasy."

I also wrap my arms around the tree from the opposite side, a little lower than his. Then I press my cheek against the cold wood. "Well, it's all just fantasy, isn't it? If we start a game of 'Imagine if', we could play forever and not run out of scenarios."

"Imaginations are different than illusions, my sweetheart."

"Okay then, imagine if . . . hmm, imagine if we were born near the sea. You love water, don't you? You would probably love to grow near it. We could meet everyday at the beach. Build sandcastles. Lie on the sand and watch the sky. Play with the waves. Go fishing once in a while. It rains often in those places too, right? So we could get drenched in the rain all we want. And then we could-"

"Okay okay, stop." He throws me a pouty look. "That hits too close to my unfulfilled desires."

"It just ends up making you sad, doesn't it? So I prefer to not imagine too much."

"Hmm. But you know, I used to imagine a lot when I was a kid. Not just when I was a kid, even a few years back. I used to have all these imaginary friends. I even had romantic relationships with some of them. All of them were different, but they were same in the sense that they loved me unconditionally. They were so perfectly how I wanted them to be, that sometimes that extreme perfection would pull me back to reality and make me think, Hah, of course this can't be real."

I nod understandingly. "I had a few imaginary friends too. I would imagine doing all kinds of wild things with them. Vandalizing my school was a very common theme."

He smiles at that. "I consider our ability to imagine a blessing. There are so many things we can't get in life. But at least we can imagine getting them."

"It will still never be as good as the real thing."

"Exactly." He lets the trunk go and leans his back against it instead. I feel it press against my arm. "Thinking back to it, I was such a lonely child. It makes me feel a lot of sympathy for myself."

His gaze is distant as he says this. Perhaps his mind is getting pulled to the past. I put a stop to it, asking, "But you don't feel that way anymore, do you?"

He smiles, giving me a sideway look. "Not even a bit. You're more than what I even dared to imagine."

His words are a pleasant stab to my heart. I relish them with my entire soul, certain I will never hear them again. "Then it all turned out well in the end."

"True." He chuckles. Then he faces upwards, his eyes gradually moving down along the tree. "Hey, let's go with this one."

I pull away from the trunk and look it up and down too. Nothing about it stands out, but that's what we're here for. "Alright. Find me a sharp stone while I dig the hole."

"Okay!"

The ground is soft, maybe because it rained last night. So digging isn't too hard. My nails begin to hurt as I dig, but I keep doing it. After being satisfied with the depth, I grab the bag. Inside, lies a folded piece of paper, and a photograph. I pull out the photograph first.

It is the same photo that I was using as a bookmark in Norwegian Wood. The photo of me and Dawn, taken by Dawn's sister, Destiny, in Dawn's room. That smile of his will always be alive through this piece of paper.

I put the photo back into the plastic bag. Then I take out the folded paper, and unfold it.

It is the first sketch of me drawn by July.

He had given me this sketch as an apology gift, though he was completely faultless, and I was unnecessarily sensitive. But the sketch is beautiful. Through this sketch, through the strokes of the pencil, it's like I can tangibly perceive myself as an object of someone's love, someone's desire.

That's when I suddenly notice something different in the sketch.

A tiny mole under my nose. Back then, July hadn't noticed it. I don't know when exactly he finally did. But he has added this mole now.

I feel like crying.

With a deep breath, I hold it in. That's when July comes running back. "Found it!" He sits down across from me, and holds up a stone a size of his pinky. It has a sharp edge.

"Alright." I take one last look at the sketch before folding the paper again and putting it back into the bag. I make a knot at the upper part of it before gently placing it in the hole. Polythene doesn't biodegrade. So Dawn's photo with me and July's sketch of me will hopefully stay intact under this cedar tree for several years into the future. Perhaps the universe won't even exist at that point. But the earth will keep our memories clutched to her heart.

After filling the hole and patting it closed, both of us stand up. I take the stone from July.

Pressing it's sharp edge against the trunk, I carve, "C & D". Pulling back a little, I smile at the letters with satisfaction.

"Feels a bit empty still, doesn't it?" July asks, eyes observant.

"Should I write something below?"

"Yeah, like what?"

I think about it for a while, but the answer is quite obvious. I begin to carve again. It takes a while, but I finally finish it.

"Ah, now it's perfect." July smiles.

"It truly is."

C & D
Forever and evermore.

"Okay, now for the other side." I move to the opposite part of the trunk, ready to carve again.

"Wait," July touches my wrist, "uh, maybe it's better just the way it is?"

"Hmm? You don't want me to carve your name with mine?"

"I mean," he scratches the back of his head and lets out a laugh, "I can't really compare to Dawn now, can I?"

"Who said you'd have to compare to him?" I begin to carve the C. "Dawn is Dawn, you are you."

From my peripheral vision, I see him open his mouth to say something, but close it again. I finish carving the J, then pull back, brushing away the powdered wood from the C + J. "Now what should I write for this one?"

"Why did you use an ampersand for Dawn and a plus for me?"

"I-" I blush. "Well, just because."

He lets out a gasp. "Oh! I get it! Oh my God." He grabs my arm and swings me back and forth. "This is so romantiiiiiic!"

"Shut up! Tell me what to write below." I touch my burning cheeks to make sure they're not on fire.

"Hmmmm." He crosses his arms on his chest. "How about something like . . . The Nerd and the Angel?"

"In that case, I'd rather write The Nerd and The Pervert."

"No, it doesn't have that ring to it. How about, The Nerd and the . . . um, Sexy-"

"Ugh, I don't want to be the Nerd."

"Then just go with The Ghost and The Tree. The Tree and The Ghost."

"Seriously, July? The only words you can think of to describe me is Tree and Nerd?"

"Trenerd, touché. Now everyone's satisfied."

"Except me."

He clicks his tongue. "Then how about something like, Lovebirds On A Summe-"

"No."

"Oh!" He claps. "How about Jingle Bells On A Christmas Tree? Get it? 'Cause cedar trees look like pine trees?" He giggles.

I press my lips together to not burst out laughing. "Okay, I'll admit that one is good, but no. Come on! It should be something serious."

"Hmmm." This time he does seem to be in thought seriously. "Oh!"

I raise my brows. "If you say one more ridiculous thing-"

"No, not this time. Give it to me." He takes the stone from me. I move aside as he begins to carve. When I try to see what he's writing, he says, "Wait, don't look! It's a surprise."

So I wait for him to finish. The smell of the cedar trees isn't too pleasant. But the call of the birds, a universal music, is always there.

"Okay, done." He moves away to let me see.

I feel my smile become smaller.

"What? You don't like it?" He brushes off the powder. "I think it captures us pretty well."

C + J
Forever and nevermore

"Hmm, I guess you're right." I move my fingers over the words, as if feeling them, coming in terms with them.

July throws away the stone. "Well then, that's done. Shall we leave now?"

I shake my head. "Let's stay for a while longer."

"Alright. Then I'll be lying down, 'cause I'm tired." Saying this, he lies down on open space amidst the trees. There is quite a lot of open space, actually.

I lie down beside him, feeling leaves and twigs against the back of my head. Letting out a groan, I shift my position, and place my head on July's stomach.

"Ouch! Your brain is heavy," he says.

But I have my ear pressed against his belly. "Your stomach really doesn't make any sound." It also doesn't rise and fall.

"Yeah, these little things keep reminding me that I'm not as alive as I feel."

I don't say anything to that, and instead, face the sky. The canopy of the trees don't manage to cover it entirely.

"Well, this is kind of romantic," July comments after a short silence.

"Yeah."

"You're not supposed to say 'yeah'. You're supposed to say something like," he switches to his infamous British accent, "Oh no, sweet heavens! Not that word, my darling! This isn't romance, 'tis only bollocks."

We both burst into laughter, and I feel his stomach vibrating under my head. "Who the hell taught you British, my darling?" I ask.

"Harry Potter, of course," he says, rolling the r in Harry and pronouncing Potter like 'Pot-tah'.

"Then you're a bad learner. 'Cause Harry Potter's got good British."

"Pfft, who cares? I don't want to break my mouth while talking."

I laugh some more, and then we settle into silence. I stare fixatedly on the blue sky spreading above me; birds flying in flocks; clouds moving in their own slow pace. When I close my eyes, I distinctly perceive the song of the gentle wind, the collective chirping of unknown birds, the scent of cedarwood reminiscent to pencil shavings.

I resume sky-watching. But my silent conversation with it gets interrupted when his palm comes up in front of my face. It gently settles over my eyes, darkening my vision. Instinctively, I put my own hand over it.

"Cedar," he says, his voice sounding as if in a faraway land. "That night in the cave, do you remember it?"

My body tenses up. "Of course," I breathe out.

"It was my taste of heaven, Cedar."

I don't say anything. I can almost repaint the image of that moment on the black screen of his palm.

"I . . . I wanted it to last longer," he says.

I swallow, heartbeats in my ears. I remove his hand from my eyes, letting it rest on the side of my neck. Then I prop myself up on my elbow, place a hand on the other side of his body, until my face is hovering over his. His hand moves to my back. His gaze holds mild fascination as he looks at me. Closing my eyes, I lean down.

But then, he moves his hand to my chest, pressing it, stopping me.

I open my eyes, feeling hurt. "You don't want to?"

"I can't." He looks away. There is pain in his voice. "I'm not as strong as you think, Cedar."

I stare at him for a while, then sit straight. I fold my knees, looking straight ahead. He remains lying for a while. A silent tension thickens the air between us.

A few seconds pass, before he sits up beside me, supporting himself on his palms, body facing the opposite side of mine. He says, "Cedar, will you keep a request of mine?"

I crane my neck to look at him, while he stares straight ahead.

I absorb in all the details not for the first time. A sharp jawline begining from below his ear up to his chin. His Adam's apple, a bulged mountain in the smooth surface of his slender neck. Long lashes residing over the dark brown eyes, fluttering like a butterfly wing every time he blinks. A small, round nose. Reddish brown hair, a shade lighter than cinnamons under the sunlight, falling over his forehead, reaching under the collar of his sweatshirt, thin strands moving in the breeze. Baby pink lips, slightly parted, as dry and chapped as the first day.

"Of course," I say again.

When his eyes turn to meet mine, I am momentarily knocked breathless.

He places his head on my shoulder. Now I can no longer see his face. "You plan to visit me after I'm gone, don't you?"

"Hmm." My chest tightens painfully.

"Don't visit too much, okay? I will be able to hear you when you come to me, you know? If you come a lot, I will start feeling lonely."

Being lonely in paradise. I wonder if that is actually possible. I have a feeling that he will forget me faster than I will.

"Come once a year," he adds.

"Every July?"

"Yes." He touches my cheek.

"Every July till I die."

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10-07-2022

Eid Mubarak to all those who celebrate it :)

I don't know if any of you noticed. But in the cover of the first book, there is "Forever and evermore" written at the top. And in this book, there is "Forever and nevermore" written. This is because the first book focused more on Cedar's process of moving on from Dawn. This one focused on his self-development through July.

I enjoyed writing this chapter. Hopefully, you enjoyed reading it too. I think next chapter will be an Edgar side story. Thank you so much for reading. Take care ❤️

— love, Poma