I quickly open the door and get in, stunned in my tracks by what I see.

Right there, in front of the dining room, Aris is sitting on the floor, bawling his eyes out. Aunt Sayra is standing in front of him, supporting herself against a chair, her face smeared with tears as well. Behind Aris, Tiara is kneeling, her hands on Aris' shoulders, anger in her face.

For a moment, I think that something happened to grandpa.

The moment Aris notices me coming in, he jumps up to his feet and runs over and hugs me, burying his face into my stomach and sobbing, his whole body shaking. Voice muffled, he says, "I didn't do it, I didn't do it! Brother Cedar, please tell her I didn't do it!!"

I put my arms around him, caressing the back of his head. "Do what? Huh? What's going on?" I look at Tiara for the answer, because aunt Sayra doesn't seem to be in the condition to.

Tiara has already stood back up. She glares at her mother and says, "She lost grandma's ring and now she is blaming it on him."

"I did not lose it!" Aunt Sayra snaps, her voice aufully sharp, making me flinch, though Tiara seems to be completely fine. Her voice is always so gentle, so filled with tenderness. It almost feels like she is a completely different person.

"Yes you did!" Tiara shouts back with a pointed finger. "You did and you're frustrated and you're just fucking dumping it all on your child."

"Shut your mouth, Tiara! You know he has done things like this before!"

"I didn't do it this time, I swear I didn't do it this time," Aris cries in between his sobs, still hugging me tight. "Brother Cedar explained to me why that ring matters to ya so much. I didn't steal it, I promise!"

"You promised last time too!" Aunt Sayra's thunder voice echoes all across the cabin. "You keep disappointing me again and again, Aris."

You keep disappointing me again and again. Hearing that sentence makes me feel like my whole body is being pricked my needles.

"Don't disappoint me ever again."

"Dale is naturally smart, but Cedar isn't!"

"I don't want to raise a failure."

Disappointment. My breathing becomes heavy. What a disgusting word to tell a child.

Aris begins to cry louder, repeating again and again that he didn't do it. My ears feel like they have caught fire. Aunt Sayra grabs her hair and squeezes her eyes closed, before opening them again and screaming, "At least tell me where you sold it!"

"I DIDN'T!"

"Aris, for God's sake-"

"You should at least trust your child!!!" I snap at her, finally having enough. My voice comes out much louder than I thought it would, my blood boiling under my skin.

She looks at me with wide, dumbfounded eyes.

"You are supposed to trust his words before anything else," I emphasize, my heart feeling like it's going to break into pieces. "If he's begging you and crying to you again and again, you're supposed to believe him and you're supposed to comfort him and you're supposed to listen to him! He's a little kid, you are an adult. Even if he did something wrong, you can't treat him like a criminal. You are his mother, for God's sake!!"

I can't believe I'm saying all this, despite not having the qualifications to, despite not being a parent myself. I don't know anything about being a parent. All I know is that if my parents did just this much for me I would have never asked for anything more, not even in a million years. This much would have been enough. Being heard . . . that much would've been enough.

Her lips tremble. For a moment, I think that she will say straight to my face, Don't teach me how to behave with my own child. But she doesn't. Instead, she looks miserable, almost shocked—whether at me or herself, I don't know. My heart tugs at the sight. It reminds me of how my mother looked the day my father almost physically abused her. The image of that day send shivers through my whole body, and I hug Aris tighter. Tiara is looking at me with a look of great sympathy.

Aris is still sobbing, but quieter. I look down at him and say, "Hey, let's go to my room, hmm?" I take one last look at Aunt Sayra, then lead Aris away to my room. Only then do I notice July, who has been there all along, silently watching.

I close the door behind me, then hop on to the bed with Aris. July follows next, settling down on the other side of the kid. I take my handkerchief from the nightstand and use it to wipe his tears and snot, but more keeps coming out. I think this must have been the most traumatizing experience in his life.

I put an arm around his shoulder. "Hey, Aris. Don't cry anymore, okay? Or you'll get dehydrated and your head will start hurting. And your nose will be all runny for the rest of the day. Do you want that?"

He shakes his head and wipes his own face. Some small sobs still continue to escape. He keeps staring at his lap, not moving an inch. Oh God, this is reminding me too much of myself. July and I exchange a look. He gestures me to talk to him.

I turn back to Aris. Ruffling his hair, I say in a soft tone, "Hey, don't be too mad at your mom, okay? She is . . . going through a hard time. Grandpa is her father after all. I'm sure she didn't mean most of the things she said."

"I'm goin' through a hard time too," he protests in a shaky voice, and more tears drop from his eyes. "He is my grandpa. I love him too."

"Of course." I pull him to my chest and rest my chin on his head. "Of course. This is not your fault at all, Aris. This is all your mom's fault. But, think about it like this. Just like sometimes you make a mistake, your mom can make a mistake too, right? And sometimes, mistakes hurt others. But that doesn't mean that was her intention. Your mom, she loves you so much, doesn't she? You know it right? She tucks you to bed every night, she irons your uniform, she prepares a tasty lunchbox for you every day, she watches your favourite shows with you. She might seem perfect, but no one is. I'm sure she will come and apologize to you and then she will give you loads of love."

"And if she doesn't . . .?"

If she doesn't? I feel a knot inside my chest. But I shake my head and say, "She will. I promise."

"Okay. If she says sorry, then it's fine. When I make mistakes I always say sorry. She told me that a mistake I have already said sorry for once should never be repeated again."

"That's true. That's very true."

"Then she will never doubt me again, right?"

"Right. And you will also never do bad things again, right?"

His head drops lower. "I won't," he says in a low voice.

"Good boy." I ruffle his hair. Hmm, maybe I am ready to be a parent.

Aris doesn't say anything else for a long time, so we just sit there silence. I hope what I assumed about Aunt Sayra doesn't come wrong. I hope she really does come and apologize to her son. Because otherwise, I can certainly imagine the kind of effect it would have on the impressionable mind of a 12-year old kid.

Suddenly, Aris says, "I wish ya were my older sister. I mean- brother."

"Older sister," July repeats and giggles. I shoot him a glare.

To Aris, I reply, "Well, I'm kinda like your older brother now." I smile to myself after making an Edgar reference. I really miss that guy. "So I guess you have both now."

"No but ya don't live here with me. Can't you always stay here?"

"Well then, why don't you come and live with me at my house?"

"I can't leave mom and dad. And my friends. They're all here."

Funny how he doesn't mention Tiara. I say, "And my mom and dad and older brother and friends are all there."

"Oh . . ." His face says he clearly didn't think this through. "But then, why did ya run away?"

I purse my lips up and take a deep breath. "My mom made mistakes too. So I got mad at her and left."

"Won't she say sorry?"

I can't find the same confidence this time. But I reply, "I don't know. Maybe if I talk to her, she will."

"Hmm." After a moment's silence, he asks, "Can't ya just marry Tiara then?"

"Uh . . ."

"Oh right, you're gay. Sorry."

I can't help but laugh. "Anyways, I'm always just a phone call away. If you have anything you want to tell me or share with me, like you know- boy stuff, you can always just call me."

"Will ya pick up?"

"Why not?"

"Because my sister Flora almost never picks up anymore. She says she is too busy."

"Aww." I suppose that's a common scenario. "But I will always pick up, don't worry. I don't have a lot of people who call me."

"Okay." He smiles wide, all his tears forgotten. Am I the one who made that happen? I guess so. I look at July, who smiles at me and gives me a thumbs up.

Aris soon falls asleep on my pillow. It reminds me of all the times I would fall asleep after crying whenever mom would scold me. Sometimes Dawn would come and wake me up. Other times, he would just let me sleep, but would be beside me the whole time.

Around 8 o'clock, I hear a knock on the door. I get off the bed and open it, finding aunt Sayra.

Relief clouds my heart. I didn't realize I was anxious this whole time that she would just leave Aris here and he would wake up feeling disappointed that his mother didn't come to get him. That would be such a terrible feeling.

The woman in front of me looks like she has aged by several years now. Her eyes are swollen, her hair a bit messy. She keeps her gaze down and caresses my cheek with her cold hands, a gesture of affection she has shown me many times now. Without meeting my eyes, she says in a low voice, "Thank you, my dear."

I don't say anything and move aside from the door. She goes over to my bed and gently picks Aris up in her lap. Then she carries him out of the room. I close the door and come back to the bed with a sigh. My heart feels heavy.

July is lying down, head propped up on his elbow. He puts his other hand over mine. "You've done well, sweetheart."

"Maybe that's why I feel so tired." With a groan, I lie down as well. I put my hand under my head and look at the ceiling. "A lot of things happened today. I'm completely beat."

"Mhm. Well at least now we know you'd make a wonderful father."

I laugh. "Yeah, I was thinking exactly that."

"Maybe you should adopt one in the future."

"Not a bad idea. But then again, it would probably be hard to be a single father. It might negatively impact the kid."

He doesn't reply at first. After a while, he says, "No one said you have to be a single father."

Frowning, I turn my face to him. "July, not this again. I'm feeling so tired right now."

"Okay, okay."

"Thank you." I turn sideways, facing him. "I'm also afraid of becoming a parent, you know."

He nods. "You're afraid of passing the trauma."

"I wouldn't call it trauma . . . I don't know. I'm just scared of making the same bad decisions. I mean, my grandmother apparently used to be very similar towards my mother as she is to me. It's not completely impossible. It's not like my mother decided to have me just to torture me or something."

"Mhm. Like you said, everyone makes mistakes. And some mistakes can cause irreparable damage."

I think back to Aris' questions. Would she apologize for her mistakes? I don't know her that well to guess, despite living my whole life with her. "I wonder if I'll be able to fix anything, July."

"You can always try."

I nod. I can always try. What happens later, is all up to her. But it won't be my fault. Because I will have tried. I will have given all the chances left to give.

Dinner was noodles made by Tiara. No one gathers at the dining table to have it as usual; we all stay in our rooms. I really got tangled up in this senstitive time for a family, and I'm starting to see the effect of it. But it's also difficult to find an opening to slip out all of a sudden.

After having such a long day, I don't have the energy to stay awake anymore. So I fall asleep unusually quick, July sitting right beside me, absorbed in a sketch. 

12th August, 2019

I was probably deep in the world of slumber when I am shaken awake.

I snap my eyes open, but the shaking doesn't stop. Only when I fully sit up and return to consciousness and blink repeatedly at Tiara does she take her hands off me.

"Huh?" I ask, dumbfounded.

A look of great urgency is clouding her face. "Cedar, listen, I-" She shakes her head. "I'm so sorry. But mom is . . ."

I become alert, scared that the vulnerable woman did something to herself. "What about her? Is she okay?"

The summary of everything Tiara says in an extremely haphazard way is-

Aunt Sayra had calmed down after a while and sat beside the sleeping Aris for a long time before she went out to the veranda and called her only sister, Tiara's aunt Nayra. She informed the lady about the missing ring in the hopes of finding a solution. Instead of a solution, her aunt passed the accusation to the "the runaway boy who has been living in the house for God knows how long". She thinks that it's crazy aunt Sayra doubted her own son over a complete stranger who had the audacity to run away from home and is sure to be so penniless that he has to stay in other people's house. At first, aunt Sayra defended me wholeheartedly, but after a certain point, her emotions took over and she too got convinced that it's absolutely me. In fact, she even thinks that the reason I convinced Aris that the ring shouldn't be sold is so that I could steal it myself. Uncle Ray can't put any sense into her either. And she plans to confront me about it when I wake up tomorrow morning.

As I listen to Tiara talk, my face grows increasingly hot, heart sinking to a bottomless pit. I can feel my eyes widen and my throat going dry.

I don't think I have ever felt humiliation this deep.

After Tiara finishes, she says, "Look Cedar, I know how you must be feeling right now. But mom isn't- trust me, mom isn't like this. Compeltely- completely- her mind isn't working at all. She loves you a lot. Probably like, more than she loves me. She's just . . . completely out of her mind right now. Okay? But, I honestly don't want you to go through that kind of, like, if she confronts you about it- I don't want you to go through that kind of humiliation. I don't want to- I really- you-" She shakes her head more in desperation, letting out a long sigh. "You will probably stop talking to me. But I don't want to lose my only friend."

I rub my forehead, then glance at July. He has an extremely troubled look on his face. He makes a gesture with his chin to get out. I turn back to Tiara. "Okay, uh, thanks for letting me know, Tiara. We'll just . . . I'll just leave, okay? You're right, I won't be able to deal with that humiliation. It's going to be too much for me. I was planning to leave tomorrow or the day after anyway. So it's better if I just leave now."

"Leave?" She scratches the back of her head, looking troubled. "You don't have to leave. I- maybe you can just stay elsewhere for tonight only. She'll be back to normal by tomorrow. Then you can come back and-"

"Tiara." I purse my lips and shake my head.

Her shoulders droop. "You're not gonna talk to me ever again, are you?"

"Hey, I never said that." I put my hands on her arms. "This has nothing to do with you. You don't think I'm the one who did it, and that's enough for me. And you cared about my self-esteem, which is even better. So of course I won't stop talking to you. You're my friend too, Tiara. And I'll forever be grateful to you for letting me stay here for so long and making me feel nothing but welcomed."

"My mom loves you a lot too, she's just-" A drop of tear rolls down her cheek, and she hastily wipes it.

"I know," I say, but something inside my chest is getting destroyed. I reach for my bag which is lying beside the bed. "And it's okay. As I said, I was gonna leave soon anyways."

"Are you going back home? Did you get a ticket?"

"No, I'm gonna stay for a few more days here. At a motel, maybe."

"Do you have enough money for that?"

I look at her, and her face immediately shrinks in guilt.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"No problem. Yes, I did bring a lot of money from home. Since I got to stay here instead of outside, I still have a lot left. Don't worry. I just need to find a good, cheap motel now."

"I know one! Wait, let me draw a map for you." She quickly exits the room.

I take out my own clothes from the bag. I've been mostly wearing the ones uncle Rick lent me. I take off his peach colored shirt and put on my own gray checkered one. Tiara comes back with the map drawn on a piece of paper and hands it to me. When she sees me folding all the clothes her father lent me, she tells me to take them along. I only shake my head without saying anything else.

Once I put July's sketchbook into the bag, I'm all done with the packing. I didn't bring much anyway. I take the candle jar in my arms.

I can't leave with the front door without making noise, so I turn to the window on the other side of the bed instead. Just as I'm about to get up the bed, Tiara hugs me.

She begins to apologize again, but I stop her and hug her back. Then I get on the bed and hop out the window, followed by July. I take one last look at this room, that originally belonged to Tiara's older sister Flora. I wave goodbye to my friend and turn around.

Taking one look at the map to figure out the direction, I start walking towards the forest.

After entering the forest, I turn back once. Tiara's cabin has become smaller. Amidst the trees, in the distance, under the midnight darkness, it looks like an old, abandoned cabin carrying no warmth nor happiness.

But I know, how many precious memories I have made in this place with the people living here. Listening to Vashti Bunyan with grandpa and grandma sitting at the living room. Collecting honey from beehives with uncle Ray. Making beeswax candles with Tiara and aunt Sayra. Gifting July a candle I made by myself. Holding his cold hand and falling asleep. Watching Shaolin Soccer with the whole family. Sitting on the veranda and eating watermelons with Aurora in my lap. Reading books at grandpa's beautiful garden shed library.

The sadness that clutches my heart is overwhelming. It's like I am suddenly hit on the face with the most common phrase used to describe reality——all good things come to an end.

And with that, I once again become hyperaware of the fact that July, too, is one of those good things.

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23-05-2022

The longest arc of the book is finally over. Before starting the final arc, I will work on the remaining side stories. There aren't a lot. Probably four, in two chapters. They're not particularly important to the plot, but they will tie up the loose ends of some threads. Thank you so much for reading.

— love, Poma