"What— what do you . . . mean?"

Of course I know what he means. But I want to confirm if what my ears just heard, or what my eyes just saw, or what my hands just did not feel are all miraculously just a joke, or a sick prank, or a dream, or a figment of my imagination. This can't be it. I must still be unconscious. I must have fainted on the way out of dehydration, or heat stroke. Something definitely happened. Anything, anything at all, that can prove what I am facing right now to not be true. Anything at all.

He slowly sits down again, hugging his knees. It seems like he wants to cry, but his tears are all dried up. I watch him with a heart sinking faster than I was five hours ago. I couldn't control my mouth up there on the hilltop, but now, no matter how much I try, I can't get a single syllable out of my mouth. How ironic.

I sit down on the ground across from him, and wait for the words to magically materialize in my mouth. My hands unconsciously move to his wrists, only to pass through like smoke. Still in disbelief, I try to touch his head, his back, his knees, anything — but my fingers feel nothing solid on him. As if suddenly realizing how close I am, he quickly moves back, away from me, like I told him to.

I bite my lips. "July . . ." Oh God, I'm so exhausted to speak.

July is staring at the ground with his eyes widened a little more than normal; it's hard to pinpoint the exact emotion that is being reflected on his face, probably because there are tons of emotions jumbled up together.

I need to get myself together. So I clear my throat and say, "July, listen to me. It's okay." Wow, that was really helpful. That really fixed everything, Cedar. But what am I supposed to say in such a situation? I have no idea at all. Nothing is coming to mind. I still try again, "Look, it, um, it doesn't matter if you can't touch me anymore-"

"A-are you okay?" he suddenly asks.

"Huh?"

His eyes drive to me, then scans my whole body. "Are you hurt somewhere?" His voice holds both fear and desperation. "I-it must've hurt so much, f-f-falling from so high. And I- I couldn't even do anything. I'm sorry, Cedar. I'm so worthless. Does it still hurt?"

I am so shocked that it takes me a while to process everything he is saying, so I just stare at him while his gaze moves all over me, seemingly scanning for wounds. Then it hits me. He isn't like this simply because of becoming intangible to me. He is like this because he blames himself for what happened.

Wait.

Why in the world is he apologizing to me, when it should be the other way round?!

Surprised, I begin, "July, you-"

"Trust me, I tried to save you," he says urgently, his eyes still widened to their limits. He begins to talk in a high speed. "I really did. Please, trust me. I didn't just stand there. I- I did everything I could. I came down the cliff and started looking for a log that I could use to pull you out. 'Cause- 'cause I can't directly t-t-touch you underwater, you remember? So I-" He coughs a few times, definitely from talking too fast at a stretch, and then continues again. "So I looked for a log and I found it but- but it was too heavy- I couldn't-" He pauses. His eyes are everywhere but on me, and his hand is repeatedly hitting his thigh.

Quickly, I tell him, "July, July. Stop. Stop, please— listen to me. July!" I try to grab his hands but I can't. Oh God, I can't. "July, please stop. Please. Listen to me." I can't believe this. I'm supposed to be the one repenting, I'm supposed to be the one apologising. This is so messed up.

It seems like he doesn't even hear what I'm saying. Still punching his thigh, he continues, "I couldn't, so I looked for a smaller stick but I couldn't find it. It was getting too late, I was- I was- I was panicking so hard and my- my head just completely blanked out. You could've died. You could've died if that girl didn't come in time. You could've died just because of me-"

"No no, July, it's not like you pushed me!" I quickly explain. I think I have to be a bit loud for him to process me. "I fell by myself! It's not your fault, July. It's not your fault at all-"

"I'm supposed to protect you!!" he screams, more at himself than at me. "But I couldn't. Of course I couldn't. Yes, I didn't push you, but you fell becuase of me. Becuase of the way I acted. I really do only think of myself. I'm the absolute worst. E-everyone I love, I just- I just kill them. Y-y-you know why my mom killed Snow? Because Snow broke an expensive vase in the living room while playing. I was supposed to make sure Snow doesn't leave my room. I was supposed to protect her. But I couldn't! She died because of me. And th-th-then Moon, the snake, and now- now you. You don't get it, Cedar. I destroy everything. Always."

I destroy everything. In this kind of mindset, July and I are completely similar. Except July blames himself for things he never did, contrary to my case. This is unbelievable; a completely different standard of self-hatred. How should I tell him none of it is his fault? He doesn't seem like he plans to listen. My heart rate is pacing up, sweat rolling down my temples. I have a feeling my blood pressure is rising.

I try to keep myself as calm as possible. This is completely messed up. I should be the one apologising for so many things, and yet he keeps saying sorry to me and blaming himself. Why? Why does everything have to be so complicated every single time?

I need to say something. I just can't sit here and watch him be like this. Swallowing, I keep my voice as gentle as I can as I say, "July, calm down first, okay? Just calm down. Take a bre- ugh, just calm down. Stop hitting yourself. You're gonna get hurt. And listen to me, okay?" My voice is coming out so soft, I feel like I'm talking to a child. But that's the only thing I can do right now.

He shakes his head. "I'm sorry, Cedar. I'm so sorry . . . "

"No!" I plead, my frustration level rising dangerously fast. But I can't let another disaster occur, so I take a deep breath first. "July, you have done nothing wrong. Not once have you done anything wrong. Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't be-"

"You don't know anything!" He grabs his throat, as if something is stuck inside. "I can never protect the ones I love. Instead, I just end up destroying them. Always. Every single time. I should've never been born. You don't know anything. You don't know- what I did-"

This isn't going anywhere. Having enough of it, I raise my voice and say, "I would've killed myself long ago if it wasn't for you!"

Finally, he looks at me, the shock evident in his eyes.

Now that he is finally listening, the words I have been holding in for a long time comes back to me, spilling out rapidly. "You don't know how I was living before you came. No, I wasn't suicidal, but I was slowly moving that way. I was holding on to a thread that was already tearing apart. The only reason why I held on was because the last words Dawn ever told me were 'Please stay alive'. And I was living by carrying such a burden on my shoulders, the weight of those words, and it was killing me by itself.

"Dawn's- my Dawn's words were killing me instead of motivating me to live. Because it was just another pressure I had to take. Do you know? Just days before you came I was thinking how what Dawn said doesn't matter anymore anyway. I was thinking how I'm sick of this pressure, this burden, living like there's no other reason why I'm alive but to get good grades. I was sick of it." I take some deep breaths. July doesn't interrupt this time, he listens to me properly.

"I thought how every year so many students of this country commit suicide, so just one more won't make a difference at all. No one will care about it. I will just be another dead 17-year old in the news. And eventually, just like all those students, people will forget about me. Isn't that for the best? July, I lived for Dawn. And without him, the only thing I lived for were a few letters and numbers on a piece of paper. What was the point of living like this? It was pathetic. It hurt my pride. But I also couldn't find another reason. So I was ready to end it. Ready to end it all.

"The world isn't for weak puppets like me. I couldn't live with the burden of so many expectations. I just couldn't live every day worrying about how I have to finish reading this chapter and how I might not get full marks in that test. I could live like that before, because Dawn was there to support me. But after he died . . . I don't know how I lived those nine months. But I know they were bad enough for my brain to erase every single memory of what happened during then. And then . . . then you came, July."

I earnestly meet his gaze, hoping my eyes would make for the physical contact I can't give him right now. After all, I can't hold his hand, but I can hold his gaze. I hope it will convey how every word that is leaving my mouth right now is true, simultaneously proving how the same from back in the cliff were not.

"That's when you came, and you showed me, how there's so many more things to live for. You taught me to dream, to dream for myself. To live for myself. You gave me people to lean on to. You brought me here, to experience all these beautiful moments. You gave me the courage to stand up for myself. July, without you, I would've ended long ago."

I see a drop of tears roll down his eye. I realize my own face feels wet.  But I continue, "I've told you this before, but you never destroyed anything. You put it all back for me, and for many other people. I don't know what you wrote in your letter, but I am sure it helped so many people like me, like us, all across the world. July, there's nothing you have to apologise for. But there are many things you should be thanked for. And one of that, is for saving me."

He stares at me for a while, but I still can't recognize the expression on his face.

He breaks my gaze and looks at his lap. Then he says in a small voice, "I didn't save you, Cedar. You saved yourself. Those are your achievements. You shouldn't pass the credit to me."

I don't give up. "But you stood by my side. You helped me through it all. You guided me, gave me the push I need. Yes, that's what the wish asked for, but I know within me, that you didn't do all these for me just to fulfill the wish for yourself. If you were only thinking about yourself, I would've never come this far with your help. There would always be that lack of sincerity somewhere that would've made things go wrong. You did it all for me."

I take another deep breath. My throat is aching terribly, but at least it's not producing hurtful words. I say, "You are a gift to this world, July. You are a gift to me. So please, love yourself. Because you deserve all the love you can get, from both others, and from yourself."

I've finally let out every single thing I've been wanting to tell him ever since the day we had that conversation in the bathtub. It feels like half of the weight in my chest has been removed. I suppose being so close to death made me not only know, but also fully realize how true Dawn's words were. "Even if actions speak more than words, words are the only means of affirmation". You never know when it will end. You never know when you will end. So it's important to just say whatever is in your heart before it's too late. Especially if those words are important. Especially if there's someone out there who needs to hear those words.

He looks a little lost, perhaps overwhelmed. Then he tries, "B-but I don't deserve all this-"

"No, you deserve every good thing out there," I confidently declare.

He turns his head to his lap. For a long time, he quietly remains facing downward, and I give him the time he needs. Suddenly, his shoulders begin to tremble as teardrops land on the ground. His sobs grow louder and louder, the sound of it shredding my heart into pieces with a chainsaw, and I worry if I just somehow made it worse for him.

But then he says, his voice holding a tone of gratitude no one has ever spoken to me with, "Thank you so much, my Cedar."

--------------------

My Cedar.

The two words repeat in my hand again and again as we quietly make our way back to the cabin. Perhaps, there was a time when I would have been plesantly thrilled to hear those two words being spoken together from someone's mouth. There was a time when the sound of those two words would fill my heart with warmth, and bring a smile to my face. Perhaps even embarrassment and a bit of shyness. However, for me now . . .

"Go to sleep, my Cedar."

For me now, those words are almost poisonous.

I'm hyper-aware of how I haven't apologized properly yet, but I think it's best for both of us to get some rest first before having that serious conversation. As July and I approach the cabin, I finally take in all the details.

As Origami said, it is a log cabin. I have only seen those in movies, but up front, it's even more beautiful.

The one-storied house made entirely out of logs blends into the surrounding forest like a part of it, as though it is the home of some fairy tale Forest King. There is a flat roofed veranda along the frontal part of the house, though I don't remember walking through it to come out earlier. Ivys are swirled around the wooden railings enclosing the veranda while flower tubs and windchimes hang from the ceiling and lightly sway in the wind. There is a yard in front of it too, which is basically a part of land clear of trees, grass, and bushes. I see Origami standing in the veranda, leaning against the railing, completely spaced out.

Origami doesn't notice me even when I go and stand beside her. I see her making mild facial expressions while swimming in her daydreams. Her mind seems to be very disconnected with reality, always lost in a world that doesn't exist, or exists only in her head.

I tap her shoulder. She blinks and looks at me. Then she asks, "Huh? You want hot dogs?"

"Um, no. I just came back."

"Oh. Oh yeah. You did." She blinks some more. Her mind is still not fully back on earth. "Aye. So my dad's gonna be back in a few hours. You're gonna have to explain everything to him. You're gonna stay, right? So that he lets you stay. Like, that's what you have to explain to him. Or is your family stuck somewhere deep in the forest, kidnapped by the gypsies, to be eaten alive tonight?"

"Uh . . ."

"We can go and save them."

"No, I came alone. Is it– is it alright if I, uh, stay here for a few days?" She seems to be very generous, but I don't think it's okay to impose like this in someone's house.

"Aye, of course." She nods. "I told dad you're my classmate and he was more than ready to get the two of us married."

"What?"

"So I told him that you're gay. And my dad loves the gays. If you explain, you can stay here forever if you want. By explain, I mean like, why you're twenty miles away from home in the middle of a forest drowning in a lake."

I let out a nervous laugh. "Ah, well, it's a long story. But thank you. Thanks a lot for everything." It's certainly not enough to express my gratitude.

She dismissively waves. "It's cool. You were the first one who–"

The sound of a baby wailing cuts her off. A boy around the age of 13 runs out to the veranda, a baby wrapped in a towel in his arms. With a distressed look on his face, he says, "She  ain't sleepin'! She keeps cryin' and I dunno what to do!"

"Ugh, just give her to me." Origami takes the baby from him and starts to cradle her, but she doesn't stop crying. I glance at the boy, who has the same auburn hair as Origami, who is staring at me.

I give him an awkward smile. "Hi."

He shyly scratches the back of his head and says, "Hi. Are ya really gay?"

The smile fades. "I'm– I'm– I–" In a panic, I blurt out, "I'm, uh, I'm Cedar?"

July lets out a laugh beside me, and I frown embarrassedly. The boy gives me a weird look and says, "Oh okay. I'm Aris. Nice to meet ya. Umm," he switches the accent and says, "Nice to meet you." He looks proud of himself.

I nod. "Nice to–" The baby wails her lungs out again, and I control the urge to cover my ears as it will be rude. Origami tries to calm her down by rocking her from side to side, and even doing that thing with the lips elders do to calm their babies. But none of it works.

"Is she hungry?" I ask.

"No, she had milk. Like a few minutes ago. Breastmilk. But she hasn't slept in a long time. She was born two weeks early so she isn't in the best of health. Maybe that's why . . .hey, Cedar, can you wipe her eyes, please?"

"Ah, sure." I put my thumb over her small eyes and wipe the tears away. I realize how her whole face is smaller than my palm, but instead of feeling affection sprouting within me, I feel something along the lines of pity. So small, so vulnerable, so weak. But most of all, so naïve. This exact baby would grow up one day and head into the cruel world, learn and see things that will slowly crumble her innocent apart. Just like what happened to Dawn.

Just as I am about to remove my hand, the baby grabs my pointing finger.

And then, she stops crying.

I stare in awe, at the tiny hand using all five fingers to grab just one with all her strength, as if letting it go would mean exposing herself to dangers she is still too weak to fight off. She blinks at me the same way I blink at her, and at that moment, a strange feeling crawls up my spine.

A gentle breeze ruffles my hair. The faint clinking melody of a windchime reaches me from a distance. Or perhaps, it's right there where my body is, but I have transported myself to a universe miles away, where confusions and uncertainties linger like incomplete thoughts in the back of our minds. In that universe, it's not five tiny fingers clutching one long one, but two hands almost of the same size holding each other with the fingers tightly interwined, in a bond that surpasses all boundaries of time, all senses of reality, all lengths of impossibility. It's the universe, where the words My Cedar are not poisonous and fearsome, but assuring, and melodious, and so utterly warm. It's where I belong to someone, and that someone belongs to me, forever, in an undying love, and an unending song.

"Cedar?"

I snap out, my head still hazy and my eyes still unfocused. What just happened? I can't figure it out. Nothing makes sense.

"Hey, Cedar?" Origami's voice finally hits me properly, and I blink at her.

"Yeah?"

"It's my job to zone out, not yours." She chuckles. "Look, she stopped crying. Do you wanna hold her?"

I look at the baby, who is still looking at me, eyes filled with a fierce wonder and curiosity that you so rarely see. I don't particularly like babies, but I still say, "Okay."

Origami comes closer to me, and I carefully take the baby in my arms. I know how to do it, because I have taken Destiny in my lap some times. Back then, I remember feeling like I'm carrying a heavy rock, because I was so small myself, but now the weight feels like nothing.

Her thin lips curl up in a smile, and so do mine. Okay, this is a cute baby.

"Wow, I feel hurt," Origami says jokingly, "I'm her blood sister and she's never been so happy in my lap."

Smiling, I look at Origami and ask, "What's her name?."

"Ah, well, my older sister's name is Flora, and mine's Tiara, so to match it, we were thinking– oh, look, she's asleep."

I look down, and find the little thing asleep already, her cheek pressed against my chest, her hand still clutching my finger. A wave of brotherly affection towards the child washes over me, something I never quite felt before for anyone except Destiny.

I ask, "And you were thinking?"

"Oh, so we were thinking of naming her Aurora."

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14.05.2021

Eid Mubarak everyone!❤️

Sorry for this long-ass chapter. As you can see, Cedar talks too much when he's consoling someone, just like me. I'm sure you have noticed it before too, when he consoled Edgar and July.

I started crying a little when writing Cedar's monologue in the first scene. though I've never been suicidal, i've wished to die several times in my life just to get free of the pressure. if only parents understood.

If you don't get the Aurora thingy, you can either go read "chapter 20: dawn's room" of the previous book or wait for the next chapter where it's explained. but honestly, if you didn't get it, then the ending of this chapter isn't really impactful eh? :( i guess i should review the info somewhere in this book.

Anyways, thanks a lot for reading! I'm going to try updating quickly from now on, in case they suddenly announce that schools are gonna open. honestly there are so many scenes of this arc that im dying to write, it's quite hard to have patience 😐 so im writing as much as i can. yay!

Take care of yourselves and those around you. I heard that the Indian variant got spread to 100+ countries already, so please stay very careful. Eat healthy, and get enough sleep too!

— love, Poma