I wake up feeling like my body is on fire.

I open my eyes to meet gazes with rays of dazzling sunlight pouring in through the window beside me. Immediately shutting my eyes closed, I roll to my side, back facing the window. Goodness, it's so hot. I feel all wet and sticky. My shirt must be soaked with sweat by now. I bring my hand to my chest to feel the shirt, only to find out I'm not wearing one.

I slowly open my eyes again and look down. A blanket is covering my lower half, underneath which I am obviously fully naked. My heart begins to pace faster. What the hell happened? Why am I naked?

I sit up and look around frantically. I discover myself in a small bedroom, the mahogany brown walls of which seems to be made entirely of wood. The contents in the room apart from the bed don't amount to much; only a bedside table, a full-length mirror with some long black marks on it, a wooden wardrobe, and a shelf on the wall housing some dishevelled books. And a door, the color of it a tad bit darker shade of brown, as if to distinguish it from the rest of the room. And then there is the window, the strong heated sunlight entering through it burning my body and bathing me in sweat. I move closer to it, and find a forest stretching outside for as far as my eyes allow to see.

Heart hammering against my chest, I again close my eyes, drawing my eyebrows together in a desperate attempt to clear up my foggy mind and rewind back in time. What happened? Why am I here? Where are my clothes? What have I done? How did I—

It all comes back to me in a flash. The cliff. July's face growing closer and closer to mine. Me pushing him away and spewing a bunch of cruel words. The ineffable hurt in his eyes. Me falling backwards. July's mortified face and shrill scream. The weightlessness. The impact of water as hard as concrete against my back. Limbs paralyzing as I sunk in deeper and deeper into the pond. Running out of breath.

Dawn.

Scattered thoughts.

And then, nothing else.

Surprised, I touch myself all over. My face, my ears, my neck, my chest, my arms. It's all fine. I place my palm against my chest, and feel the pulsing of my heart, a bit fast due to my shock. Then I place it on my stomach, and feel it rise up and down.

I'm breathing.

I'm alive.

What the hell? I'm actually alive.

I feel my jaw dropping as I stare down at my palms. I'm alive? But how? I'm pretty sure I drifted off completely back there. I'm pretty sure I ran out of breath. I was completely ready for it to end. How in the world did I make it out alive?

As soon as the shock washes away, a sense of relief pools all over me.

Holy shit, thank God I'm alive.

If I died back there, Dawn's wish wouldn't be fulfilled. Which would mean July failed the mission, and he would, in the literal sense, go to hell. After going through so much, he doesn't deserve it. How could I even give up so fast? I should've tried more, for him at least. But then again, as far as I remember, my body felt completely numb and quite heavy as well. Either way, the fact that I'm alive is enough. If I'm alive, I can fix this. I have to fix this.

But then I come back to my senses. I'm in a stranger's house, a completely foreign place. Worst of all, I'm fully naked. My hands move to my temples. How did I end up here? Someone saved me? Who else, but July? But he said he can't touch me underwater. Did he save me some other way? After all, there was no one else around. It was definitely July. But . . .

I look around again.

But where is he?

A wave of sudden fear crashes over me, weakening my limbs to the point I can't sit straight anymore. I suddenly realize how terribly thirsty I am. My throat feels like dry, rottening wood, and every breath I take makes it worse and worse. Water. I need water. It takes me all my energy to merely turn my head to the side to look at the vicinity table, but the only thing I find there is a lamp, and a bunch of medicines. Water. God, I need some water.

I try to call someone, whoever this house belongs to, but the strain it puts on my throat makes me stop halfway. I've never felt this thirsty before. My head begins to spin a little, my vision darkening on the edges. Before I collapse for good, I make one final attempt.

"He-hello...?"

A croaky and exhausted voice belonging to what seems like a very old man comes out of my mouth, and for a moment a crazy thought occurs to me : what if he got so terribly hurt by whatever I told him, and left by himself? What if he's so mad at me, that he doesn't even want to see me anymore?

My eyesockets begin to ache as a bullet pierces my chest.

Or worse, what if I've been in a coma for years?

What if I've been unconscious for days and weeks and months?

Does that mean July is gone?

Does that mean—

The door swings open with a noise resembling someone having an asthma attack. With great effort, I turn my head once again, finding a girl standing there with a glass of water in her hand.

It takes me a few seconds, but I recognize her.

"You're awake, High Blood Pressure."

----------------------

"So aye, you're alive 'cause of my little sister," she completes.

Periods girl, or the girl who gave me her compass the day of the Maths exam, or Origami as Edgar remembers, doesn't seem to be the best when it comes to storytelling. Not only does she zone out in the middle of a sentence, but her sentences don't always come out in a chronological order. Like when you have too many things to say and you don't know which to say first, so you just blurt out whatever comes in front of your mind.

It's a good thing I have an admirable attention span and an even more admirable limit of patience, because I could keep listening to what she said and then take my sweet time arranging it in my head to figure out why I am naked in a stranger's house.

Basically, her newborn little sister began to cry like there was no tomorrow rather abruptly, and was not stopping at any cost. Which is why Origami took her out for a walk in the forest to calm her down using nature's music. It took a long time for the baby to shut up, but when she did, Origami heard my scream, followed by a loud sound of something hard crashing against the water.

And so Origami ran to the pond, and from the ripples of the water, she figured out that someone fell down from the cliff. She had the audacity to put the child down on the ground and jump in to save me. And she did. She dragged me out and made me come back to life. I urgently confirmed whether she did CPR on me, and she said she only had to pump my chest, because apparently I didn't drink that much water. Strange, I remember feeling as if I'm expanding like a balloon.

Origami not only found my body but also dragged me to the surface and then the shore, and then to her house. When I asked her how she carried me all by herself while having a baby with her, she told me that I don't weigh much, so it was like carrying two babies on both arms, except one was a bit bigger.

A bit bigger, she says?

After she brought me to the house, which is in fact a log cabin, I was still unconscious. Apparently, it's only been a bit over five hours since I came here. That gives me a small amount of relief, but not entirely, as the possibility of July leaving on his own choice still remains.

About the reason why I'm naked, apparently she had her father take off my wet clothes to dry off. After Origami came in, she pointed at the dry clothes left on the corner of the bed, and I quickly put on the shirt. I made sure that my lower half is properly covered by the blanket. However, I'm suddenly reminded of the fact that along with July, my bag is also missing.

Norwegian Wood is in that bag.

Oh God.

I feel panic beginning to flood my mind, but try to keep it under control. The bag will be there where it was. But what I need to be worried about is July. How come he is not here with me? Maybe he is in the forest with the bag waiting for me to come, because he can't bring it here, and he can't let go of it either. Yes, that's the only theory that makes sense.

That's the only theory where both July and the book are safe.

I try to keep myself as calm as possible and say, "Th-thank you so much. For saving my life. I can never repay you for this." Hearing no reply, I glance at her, finding her eyes staring into a wall, completely unfocused.

I clear my throat loudly, and she snaps out.

"Huh? Rat poison?" she asks, pulling a strand of auburn hair behind her ear.

Oh my God. "Um, no. I said thank you for saving my life. I will always be grateful to you."

"Nay, it's all cool, mate."

I nod and say, "And I, uh, I need to get dressed. I left something in the forest. Can you tell me where the waterfall is?"

"Aye, I'll take you there."

"No, just– just tell me where it is."

"Umm." She frowns in thought and scratches her head. The patches of pale skin that were appearing on the back of her hand have now spread up to her neck. There is a strange beauty in it. "I'll make a map for ya then." I notice how she constantly switches from the city dialect to the Greenwoods dialect seemingly without notice.

"Great. And I need to change."

"Cool. The clothes are there." She points at it but doesn't move from her place.

"Um, will you . . ." I hesitate to tell her to get out of the room, because it's her house. In fact, why do I even have to tell her? It's common sense.

"Hmm?"

"I need to change," I repeat.

"Oh." She gives me a weird look, as I am the weird one. But then a look of realization falls on her face. "Ah, right! Sorry." She scurries out, closing the door behind her.

I sigh. She is a bit slow in everything. There are all kinds of people in this world. But that's not important right now. I grab the pants and put it on as quickly as possible, keeping an eye out the window in fear someone might walk past to find me naked. Then I quickly get off the bed, drink the remaining water from the glass, and though my whole body is aching, I walk over to the door and open it.

I would love to take in the details of the beautiful wooden cabin's interior, but my mind is in a turmoil, unwilling to think about anything but July and the book. I hope they're alright. Oh God. Maybe I shouldn't have brought the book here at all. What if it gets lost? And July? What about him? He could have at least followed me here and leave a note. Why would he make me worry sick like this? He must be really mad at me. I need to apologise to him. As soon as possible.

But he has to be there for me to be able to apologise.

"There you go, HBP." Origami snaps me out of my daze and hands me a piece of paper. I don't think there is anyone else in this world with a more diverse set of nicknames than me.

"Thank you so much. I'll be back soon."

"You sure you wanna go alone?" she asks, worry painted on her honey eyes. 

"Yeah, don't worry."

I get out of the cabin and follow the map. It's almost a straight line to the pond. I wonder if this is where the kite was flying from? Doesn't matter. Once again, I pass tall standing trees and various bushes and fallen logs, except this time I cannot enjoy the beauty and calmness of the ambience. If the birds are calling, I don't hear them. If the leaves are rustling, I don't hear them. I can only hear July's scream as his hand uselessly thrust out towards me, and I failed to take it.

The more I recollect all the things I told him back at the cliff, the more my hands begin to grow cold. Each of my words carried so much weight, so much damage, so many blatant lies. If anyone said them to me, I would never be able to stand up again, and probably never be able to forget it. If July never talks to me again, it will be shameful of me to complain. It's my fault, it's all my fault.

A part of me still hopes that a sincere apology might be able to fix this to an extent. Maybe not entirely, because at the end of the day, an apology is just a two-words phrase. Now that I've felt death touch the tip of my tongue, I have developed a deeper understanding of just how important it is to never keep an apology and a thanks pending.

And even after the apology, I know I have to prove to him with my actions how everything I said back there was out of pure dread stemming from my constant denials. I need to prove to him that I do love him, that I do care about him. And until he fully forgives me, I will keep apologising. Unlike many others, I can sincerely apologise as many times as I need to, without making the phrase lose its meaning.

But something tells me, that the relationship between me and July will never be the same again.

That my words have wound him so deeply, that the remaining time we have simply isn't enough to mend it all. That July will never smile, laugh, make silly jokes, and do everything that makes him July, ever again with me. He will withdraw himself back to his tortoise shell, rethinking his decision of even thinking of letting me in. He will still help me fulfill the wish, but that's all there's gonna be between us. Nothing more.

Because I have destroyed everything.

My throat is becoming dry again, and I feel drops of sweat roll down my temple. It's okay, I'll fix this. I definitely will, before it gets too late. So I keep a watch all around, mindful of the way I came through, and watchful of July who might be standing somewhere nearby.

No sign of him.

Anxiety grips my veins as I walk further. I can faintly hear the song of the waterfall now. He will be there. He will be there for sure.

And he is.

I see him, sitting on the bank, hugging his knees as he stares at the still water of the lake. Then I see the bag, sitting right beside him. Relief floods my entire body, and I grab the nearest tree to stable myself and take a peaceful breath. Thank God.

Determined to apologise as soon as possible, I call, "July!"

I receive no acknowledgement from him.

Frowning, I run over to him. "July? Hey–" I put a hand on his shoulder.

But my hand moves right through his body.

An icy shiver runs up my arm, and I draw it back. "J-July?"

He turns his head, and I find his eyes swollen and cheeks glistening with tears. Just like how it was the last time I saw him, but somehow worse. His lips quiver as he looks at me. I have never seen him look so distraught before.

He slowly stands up, but he keeps his eyes to the ground.

"July . . ." I raise my hand to touch his face, but he takes a few steps back, out of my reach. Then he shakes his head, but still doesn't look at me. I realize, it's because of the rule I set. He's determined to follow it, because I threatened him that I would never talk to him again if he doesn't.

Intense fear and guilt wraps my heart, and my hands begin to lightly shake. I take a step towards him, and he takes one back. A drop of tear falls from his face down to the ground.

"July . . . don't move away. I'm . . ." I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say all those things. Say it, Cedar, just say it. But as I'm standing there looking at him look so broken, I realize just how horrifyingly inadequate the words "I'm sorry" is. It can't fix shit.

I can't fix shit.

For God's sake, Cedar, you called him a worm.

I still decide to try. In the softest voice I can manage, I tell him, "Ju-July, listen to me-", but when I take another step towards, he again steps back. I stare at him, suddenly at a complete loss of words. I imagined the apology to go in several directions, but I never even considered the possibility of things being so bad that I won't even be able to get the apology out.

I decide that it's best to first tell him that rule number three was utter bullshit and I said it in the heat of the moment, but before I can, he speaks up.

"Try touching me," he says, in a low voice.

"Huh?" I doubt my ears. Did I hear him right?

When he doesn't reply, I slowly take another step closer, and this time, he doesn't move away. I again raise my hand to touch his shoulder, but my fingers move right through him, as if he is made of gas.

I suddenly realize what's going on.

The world comes crashing all around me, shattering something inside me once again with an audible noise. Colors of nature fade into gray as if washed away with his tears, and we are no longer standing in a forest. We are now in a pitch black room where nothing makes sense anymore, where the only things to exist is me, a weak and powerless human and him, just an untangible projection of the image of a dead boy.

The sudden lack of air in my lungs is nothing compared to what I felt as I was drowning to my death.

"Why . . . ?" I breathe out in question, disbelief ringing through my voice.

He doesn't reply, but simply stares at the ground. I then understand the reason. He doesn't need to reply, because the answer is obvious.

What I wanted, came true.

He finally raises his head to look at me. On his face, I see a mix of terror and regret so painfully deep that my knees almost give up from the mere sight of it.

"I can no longer touch you, Cedar."

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11.05.2021

well...😃

from personal experiences, i have a hateful relationship with the proverb "Be careful what you wish for". i think i tend to unconsciously project that into my writing. in my other book as well, December Drizzle, this proverb came true in the most painful way possible.

anyways, this is the start of a new arc. i'll tell you the name of it after Origami's real name is revealed. all i can say is that it's the longest and most important arc of this book. moreover, my most favorite chapter of the entire series is in this arc (a part of it was in the sneak-peeks announcement). so yeah, you can look forward to many things.

anyways², please go to my bio and click on the link at the beginning to educate yourself about the BDS movement. remember that the media is feeding lies to us saying it's a "clash" even though there's clearly a huge power imbalance here. it's NOT a clash, it's oppression. it's ETHNIC CLEANSING. so i request you to support this movement in every way you can, and spread awareness.

anyways³, thanks a lot for reading :) the weather is quite hot these days, so don't forget to take a bath often, or you'll stink :)) don't skip meals and don't sleep late, or July and Cedar will never become canon :( and finally, be careful what you wish for.

— love, Poma