2nd August; Sunday

"Wow, this is . . . higher than I thought," July says, looking over the edge.

I barely hear him over the sound of my deep breaths. I feel like I've climbed the Mount Everest twice instead of a small hill. My thighs are throbbing with pain, and my palms are all red from grabbing the rocks while climbing.

I say in between breaths, "Rock climbing . . . is not . . . for me. I'm more of a . . . chair guy."

With a laugh, he replies, "I know!" He walks over to me and sits down beside. "But this was a new experience, wasn't it? Thrilling too."

"Would be more thrilling if I fell down." I roll my eyes.

He lightly slaps my arm. "Don't say that. And even if it did happen, I would just catch you in my arms like a princess."

I only shake my head. Now that he's back to making jokes like this, I can tell that he is back to his normal mood. He has been pretty cheerful and active since morning. I ask, "So, did you look around?"

"Ah, right, no. Wait." He stands up. Hands on his waist, he looks ahead with his eyes squinted. He looks to his left, and to his right. Then he looks down at me and gives a sheepish smile. "I totally forgot this but . . . I don't have the best vision."

I let out a sigh and hold out my hand. He takes it and pulls me up to a standing position. With my almost perfect eyesight that I inherited from dad, I examine the forest that stretches ahead. All I can see for as far as my eyes allow are trees and trees. I turn left, right, and even back, which is the direction we came from. But no luck. We really are in the middle of a huge forest.

My heart drops, the little hope accompanied by the idea of climbing a hill to see if there's any direction we can find ahead disappearing. With another sigh, I say, "No luck."

"Shit."

"We're high, but not high enough. There are still a lot of trees obstructing my view. Never realized before how tall palm trees are."

"Yeah, they're hella tall. We're only like, 20 to 25 feet off the ground. Palm trees are way taller."

"Hmm . . . what are we gonna do th-" I detect something through my peripheral vision. When I turn that way, my eyes widen as I see something flying above the mass of trees. "Oh my God, July, is that-?"

"A bird?" he guesses, eyes squinted like an old man.

"No, a kite!" My mouth breaks into a wide smile. Indeed, the small blue-and-red object flying as high as the palm trees in a distance is a kite. It reminds me of Khaled Hosseni's The Kite Runner, one of my most favorite books. Now is not the time, though. If there is a kite, then that means there is someone flying it.

"Woah, really? Then that means-"

"That's right. It's not too far either. We just need to keep walking that way and we'll find them. Come on, July, let's go!" I begin to walk towards the way we climbed up, but July grabs my hand to stop me.

"Wait. We're leaving right now?"

"Of course?"

He gives me a look as he lets go of my hand. "We just climbed a long ass hill while screaming for 30 minutes, and we're not even gonna spend some time to chill here?"

I scratch the back of my head, then glance at the kite. "But what if the person leaves?"

"I mean, I don't think so. I hardly think anyone would choose a random place of a huge forest to fly a kite. Either they live there, or they're camping there. Besides, the kite is still flying high. It's gonna take a while to bring it down and all that. So I think we can relax at least five minutes."

I give him a wary look. "Okay, now show me the PowerPoint presentation of this topic."

He bursts into laughter and tugs at the sleeve of my shirt. "Come on, I want to sit there, on the edge."

"Hell no."

But he's already moving towards the edge, pulling me along. "Why not? It's thrilling."

"A lot of things are thrilling, doesn't mean I have to do them."

I watch him slowly sit down, his legs dangling off the edge, a huge smile on his face. "Wrong. You have to do everything that is thrilling in your life. Only then would you have truly lived."

"Drugs?" I inquire.

"Umm . . ."

"One night stands?"

"There's nothing wrong with one night stands," he replies rather defensively.

"There's nothing wrong with it, yeah, but . . . I don't know. I find it weird."

"Oh come on, just sit down. I'm here, I won't let you fall."

He had said something similar in the bustop as well. It's assuring to hear, and yet, I'm fully aware that he won't be able to save me from all types of falls.

Taking a deep breath, I glance at the kite once again and sit down a little away from the edge. Then I spread my legs forward and slowly move towards the edge until they're both dangling off just like July's. My heart begins to pound immediately.

"Woah, this is—" I shift closer to him. I extend my neck forward to look at the pond below, and my heartbeat paces up at what I see. "Th-that really is higher than I thought." Dawn would've been terrified of this, since he is scared of heights. I turn to July. "What if this breaks and we fall? The pond isn't all that deep."

He shakes his head. "Nothing will happen. Even if you do fall, the worst that will happen is probably a small injury. You can swim, so what's the problem?"

"What if it hurts and I can't swim?"

He lets out a gruff. "You think too negatively! Okay, if you fall, then I'll save you– oh wait." He rethinks what he just said. Then he mutters to himself, "But then again, I can't touch you underwater."

I raise my brows. "What do you mean you can't touch me underwater?"

He scratches the back of his head. "Yeah, it's a bit weird. I didn't realize it before either. When you were in the water yesterday, I tried to grab you once but my hand kind of just . . . went right through your body."

"Eh?"

"Yeah, I know. It's like I only exist as a physical entity to you when we're in the air medium." He looks at his lap, evidently feeling down at the thought. Before I can say anything, the smile returns and he says, "But that doesn't matter, 'cause nothing will happen. So just relax and enjoy the view!"

So that's what I try to do. Instead of looking down directly, I absorb the scenery in front of my vision. The grayish brown walls of the hills thickly carpeted by green vegetation at places. The thin white line of the waterfall, but from a higher point of view. The cotton clouds overhead closer than ever before. Flocks of birds roaming all around their territories. The soft, steady gusts of wind. Warmth fills my heart as soon as I let go, just like how it did at the top of the bus. Everything is a little more pretty when you're brave.

"It really is nice," I say.

"It is, isn't it?" He smiles. "I'm getting to experience so many new and beautiful things in life just because of you. Everything that we did until now. That bicycle date. Sneaking into school at night. Going to Tower Louisa. Running away from home. Getting on a train. Moving over Jeremiah bridge. Staying the night at a bus stop. Riding the roof of a bus. Meeting a snake. Staying the night at the forest. This waterfall. And now here, on the top of a hill. All of these memories I made with you, are so, so precious to me. I'm really happy, Cedar."

I don't say anything, only give him a smile. Hearing him list it all down is slightly nostalgic. I feel the exact same way, July.

He says, "I think that . . . if only I got to experience such things before. If only. Then maybe I would've tried to hold on a little longer. Maybe just like my brother, I could've found a way to escape as well."

I slowly nod while looking ahead. "But it's okay. What matters is that you got to experience it. There really are lots of things to do in life. As long as you have the time to. So we should do them, instead of regretting later about the hours we wasted."

While being fully aware about how hypocritical my last sentence sounds, I am replied by silence. I wait for a response to come, even in the form of a low 'hmm', but it doesn't. So I slowly turn my head to him. When I do, I find his muddy eyes fixed on me. Usually he would immediately divert his gaze, but today, even under the broad daylight, he doesn't. So I do it instead, finding my chest pound again, but for a different reason.

Everything is a little more pretty when you're brave. But everything is also a little more dangerous. Except unlike the beauty, we often fail to acknowledge that danger.

So when he calls my name in a tone I've never heard him call before, I don't even feel surprised. All I feel is exposed, being watched by the yellow sunrays, being heard by the streaming waterfall, being reflected by the multicolored pond. And when his shoulder bumps into mine, I think about how the night was blind, but the day isn't. My heart trembles like a volcano before eruption, but my face turns to him again on its own will. His image in my shaky eyes is bathed in an ethereal glow; it fills my whole vision, capturing every piece of the world that I see.

He closes his eyes. The truths and lies all dissolve behind them. He tilts his head. I am spellbound by him. His icy fingers crawl over mine. Our ring fingers hold each other. The wind messes up my hair. This feeling of being on the top of the world, along with the constant fear of falling down too hard; the mere contradiction of those two emotions, and they way they fight within me—it makes it impossible for me to be able to move.

Only when I feel his nose brushing mine do I suddenly come to my senses.

Something explodes within me, and I push him away with all the force I could muster. I quickly stand up and start to move away from him, eyes widened to their limits. He blinks continuously while rubbing his chest.

"What the fuck do you think you were doing?!" I scream at him, my vocal cords almost tearing apart. "Are you-" I let out a loud scoff of disbelief. "Are you fucking out of your mind?!"

He stands up, his gentle gaze now filled with shock. "Cedar, I–"

"No no no no." I vigorously shake my head. "This is crazy. This is just absolute bonkers." I let out a dry laugh. "You think this is a fucking typical Wattpad romance book? You think you can do whatever you want and just get away with it? That everything will magically work out in the end? What the hell were you thinking?"

He seems to have lost his words, so he keeps blinking at me. When he finds then again, he quietly asks, "Cedar . . . how long are you gonna keep being like this? Will you keep constantly pushing me away, and hurt both of us? There is only a limit to pretense- it's not something both of us can put up for the rest of our time together-"

"Excuse me?" I cut him off.  "You're the one who pushed me away first. You're the one who didn't even let me- let me accept it. Or think about it. Consider it. Nothing. You're the one who encouraged me to bring an innocent girl into this and lead her on. You started it all before I even- ugh. You can do whatever the fuck you want whenever you want, but now that I'm doing it, you're blaming me? You just want to do whatever is most convenient for you!"

His face contracts in a mix of shock and disbelief. "I- I was just not ready at that time! I was- I was scared. And you're bringing Autumn up again? Those were your decisions. You're the one in control of whether you accept it or not. How the hell is that my fault? You didn't have to listen to whatever I say, now did you?"

"That doesn't change the fact that you said it. You're supposed to want the best for me, and yet you-"

"I want what's the best for you!" He yells, then pauses, and says in a softer, calmer tone, "Not once did I think of myself in any of this. I want you to not get hurt, not me. Why don't you understand that? I can't take all the right decisions. I'm not a fucking perfect know-it-all. I'm not a fortune teller who knows what outcome my decisions will have. I'm a human too! And I'm trying my best too, but I can only handle so much."

"If you want what's the best for me, then why are you turning away from your previous decision? Even if it was a bad one, it's the only option where I won't get hurt in the long run. Then why are you not trying to push me away anymore and instead- instead pulling me closer? You're just contradicting yourself at this point, can't you see? You know why? Because you have started to think of yourself. You want what will make you happy, even if it makes me sad-"

"But you will get hurt! Both of us will- no, both of us are getting hurt from this." He puts a hand on his chest. "Can't you feel it, Cedar? This is suffocating. There is no good and bad decision here. I'm not doing this for my happiness, I'm doing this for our happiness."

"Our happiness? You mean, our temporary happiness? You're dead, July."

He flinches, as if from the sudden reality check. But this is perhaps the most necessary reality check between us. I cannot let him forget this.

So I continue. "You're gonna leave, July. I'm the one who's gonna stay behind and suffer. Whether you admit it or not, you are only thinking about yourself. But so am I, you know? I have to protect myself. And this is the only way I can do that. I don't want to be lonely. I want someone to be there beside me in the future, and since it's not gonna be you, it has to be someone else. So I'm not gonna let you occupy that space if you're not gonna be present there. I don't want to be alone. So stop this shit."

"Nonsense. Just listen to yourself. You think you're protecting yourself, but you're not! You're only-"

"Shut up, just shut the fuck up." His mouth closes, but his eyes remain wide, so overflowing with hurt. It's painful to look at. And yet, I keep saying, "Enough of this shit. Just never think of doing whatever you were planning to do a while back, and don't even think of the possibility of anything happening between us. To quote the mighty you, between us, nothing can ever happen."

Something visibly shatters within him after hearing that, and I know, I'm the one who is responsible for it. Thick drops of tears begin to flow down his cheek, but this time, he doesn't look down while crying. He looks straight at me, with shock and disbelief at how cruel my words are. With a shaky voice, he then says, in between the sobs he tries to muffle fruitlessly, "But I- but i-i-t's hard, Cedar. It's so hard. I can't do that. I thought I could, but I can't. Not when you're in front of me. Now when you feel the same-"

"I don't feel the same," I retort quickly. "You didn't let me feel it. You pushed me away first. So I put a stop to it before that happened, you see? I don't feel the same at all. In fact, you don't either. You think you do, because I'm the only one you ever got love from. This whole thing is fucked up. It could've been anyone in place of me, and you would still feel this way. Don't you have the brains to realize something so simple?"

At this, he becomes stunned speechless. He simply stares at me with his glistening eyes, wet cheeks sparkling like glitter in the bright sunlight. I did this. I'm the cause behind this. There is a bulldozer driving over my chest, tearing me apart and destroying me as I stare back at him, my eyes fully dry. Where did all my emotions suddenly flee? I keep throwing one hurtful word after the other, without hearing any voice in my head saying I should stop. My conscience is silent; all that thrives within me is the devil of pure selfishness.

So I give one last final blow. I say, "And if you can't do it becuase I'm in front of you, then just stay the fuck away."

He blinks, more tears oozing out. I'm surprised they're not red in colour. "What? What do you-"

"That's right." I nod with certainty. "That will be the rule number three. The three ground rules, remember? I didn't decide on the third one last time. This is gonna be it. Don't you dare come any closer to me than what's necessary. Don't you dare even touch me. And if you break any of the rules from now on, I swear to God I'll never talk to you again."

He lets out a surprised scoff and takes a step towards me, his eyes widened again. "Are you fu- that's not gonna make a fucking difference!"

"I don't care."

He takes another step, and I step back. "What do you mean stay away from you? Are you telling me to leave? And then go to hell?"

My ears throb painfully, vision going red at the edges, and I find myself scream in a cracking voice, "Well you don't need to stick to my body like a goddamn annoying worm to fulfill the wish!"

Once again, I send him to a stunned silence. Except this time, I actually feel something.

Shit.

Shit shit shit. That was so bad. That was the worst thing I could say. What the hell? Did I just call him a worm? He starts to move away from me, taking small, hurt steps, the pain so distinctly evident in his gaze. What's wrong with me? Fuck fuck fuck. Why did I say that? How could I say something so disgusting to him?

Blurriness clouds my vision, my legs starting to shake. I ruined everything. Those words that carelessly and emotionlessly spilled out of my mouth destroyed everything. Oh my God. What the hell was I saying? What is wrong with me? I'm no better than all those people who bullied him when he was alive.

In fact, I'm worse than them. July didn't care about them. But he cares about me.

I am the worst person ever.

"C-Cedar, wait-" his voice says, in a tone of warning. But all I can think of is how I ruined everything. I ruined him. I hurt him. I love him so much, but I hurt him. Just like all those times I hurt Dawn.

July's voice reaches me again, this time in a shout, "Cedar, you—!!"

Before I can register anything, the ground disappears from under my foot, and I fall backwards into weightlessness.

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03.05.2021 (why tf is it May already 😐)

well...this was a painful chapter to write 💀

i know some of you probably hate Cedar now for the way he acted, and that's okay. I don't want you to love Cedar, I want you to understand him. as you can see, Cedar is still selfish to a great extent, even though he tried his best to become more selfless.

With this, I want to break the common misconception many writers seem to have about the concept of character development. Realistically speaking, character development is NOT a linear uphill graph. It's more of a zigzag one, going up and falling down repeatedly. No human being gradually develops into a better person and becomes a perfect human being at some point. We try to become a better person, then we fail, then we try again. This goes on for the rest of our lives. There is no peak of character development, and there's no bottom to it either.

I want to show how both good and evil exists within us, and both will be expressed at some point. There will even come a point where you might hate July. And the lesson you have to take from here is that, try to understand the people in your life you hate. Try to understand why they're a dick instead of jumping into the hate bandwagon. Cuz all of you know, neither Cedar nor July are bad people. But they have their ups and downs, just like all of us. Few people in this world are inherently bad, I believe.

Did you notice a similarity between Daniel and Cedar? Both of them try their best to be as patient as possible in fear they will hurt the other person. But that's why all of their emotions build up and explode at a point (referring to chapter 23 of TWFH). 

Anyways, thanks a lot for reading. Next chapter will be a bit different, so I'm curious to know your opinions about it. Once again, be more understanding towards the people in your life. Try to love them, even if it's hard. Sometimes love can truly make a person better.

— lots of love, Poma