"Cedar, come over here!" I faintly hear him call over the drizzling sound of the waterfall.

I move my face out of the fall's periphery to look at him. Drops of water get into my eyes, so I rub them with my arms first before looking back. July is standing in the corner of the pond's shore, hands on his waist, examining something along the body of the hill right beside. I'm on the other side of the small pond, standing on one of the several rocks lining it while the cold water sprays on me from above. The last time I took a bath was on 30th July, a day before I left home. Today is 2nd August, and after everything's that happened, I'm glad I finally got the chance to clean off all the dirt from my body using the light waterfall as a shower.

"Coming!" I call back. Turning my body around and holding my breath,  I jump and dive right in with a loud splash! sound. Icy cold envelopes my body as I fall deeper into the arms of the pond, the buoyancy then pushing me back up to the surface. I bring my head out and exhale, closing my eyes to fully savour the feeling. My body feels so calm and clean underwater.

I glance back at the waterfall. The waterfall is a mere thin white curtain cascading down the hill, but it still holds somewhat of an ethereal beauty. Maybe it's just because it's my first time seeing a waterfall, but I can't seem to shake away my fascination from how melodious the sound of the shower hitting the rocks below it is. That's the sound July heard last night, and he immediately figured out a source of water is close by.

I relaxedly swim over to the shore. I thought I might have forgotten how to swim, but my body still remembers it perfectly. After reaching the shore, I hoist myself up to the ground. As I'm brushing my wet hair strands behind my ears, I notice July looking at me, his gaze lingering on my body a second longer than what's normal before he turns away. Feeling mildly self-conscious, I walk over to him.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Look." He points to a hole on the body of the hill, big enough for one person to crawl in. It's almost like a cave. "I think you will fit in there fine. In case it rains tonight, you can take shelter here."

I cross my arms over my chest. So he doesn't have any hopes of getting out of this forest today either. I ask, "What if there are snakes inside?"

He shakes his head. "I checked it. It's fully empty. I don't know, it's like an accidental crack on the hill or something."

"Then what if the rocks like, fall down on me or something? If it rains, especially, what if there's a landslide?"

He hits my shoulder. "I appreciate your wildass imagination, but does this place look like there's ever been a landslide here? Also, all the hills have enough vegetation. In fact, you're not gonna be the first person to go in there. I found some torn clothes inside."

"Do you think someone was murde-"

"Cedar."

"Okay." I look at the pond. Reflecting the sky, the green vegetation, and the brown hills, the surface of the little pond is an alluring mix of all these colours. Seeing so much water at one place, I feel a weird urge to just go and start drinking it.  My throat's been as dry as paper since the morning, but I'm holding myself back from drinking the little bit of water left in the bottle I brought from the train station. I used up a lot of it last night when I had to do something I never imagined I would do before—pee in a hole on the ground.

I ask July if it's possible to boil water in a plastic bottle, and he replies that he got the same idea and he thought about. Apparently, it is possible, except the plastic will release some toxins. But he thinks that the amount of toxins isn't enough to harm me if I drink it a few times, and it's definitely a much better option than getting dehydrated.

Peeing in a hole, sleeping under rocks, drinking toxic water—who would've thought the home-caged Cedar Lockwood would go so far for survival?

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"I know it's an age-old question, but if you could have one superpower, what would it be?" July asks for yesterday's QOTD.

I think of the answer while trying to make the dry leaves catch fire with the lighter. The two of us are sitting side by side, face towards the vibrant waterfall feeding the polychromatic pond. I notice a little bird I recognize as a kingfisher flying over the pond for sustenance. Somewhere nearby, crows call in their hoarse voices.

Finally, I say, "I never thought about that. But I guess something like . . . healing people? Both mentally and physically. I think I would love to have that power, maybe I would be able to save lives."

July nods in understanding. He begins to tie the neck of the bottle to a long stick with the same piece of cloth he bandaged my scratched knee. "So a doctor, basically?"

I shake my head. "Being a doctor is different. There's no guarantee whether I'll be able to heal them. I'm not the kind of person who will be able to handle someone dying in my hands. Yes, I will be able to heal lots of people but . . . it's like, even if I save 10 people, if I can't save just 1, I wouldn't be able to handle it."

"I understand. I've always been afraid of that too. I guess that's one of the many reasons why my medical pursue never came successful."

"Medical pursue, as in?"

"Ah, I didn't tell you about this?" He holds up the stick with the bottle over the fire, keeping enough distance to not melt the plastic. "I was actually aiming for a medical university. My dad is a famous surgeon so it was kind of naturally imposed on me, though I was always uninterested, even afraid, of this profession. I didn't enjoy studying medical terms as much as I thought I would. So of course none of it worked out, though I tried for two years consecutively."

"I see." July really doesn't strike me as someone who can be a medical student. But then again, he also never striked me as someone who would write anime reviews on his personal website. It's all so strangely surprising. The more I discover parts of July from the past, the more this foreign, overwhelming feeling rises within me. I want to know more, I want to know everything. And yet, at the same time, I want to know nothing more than that, for it all to remain a secret for the few remaining days we have together. The more layers are unfolded, the harder it becomes to hide.

He says, "Some things are just not for some people. It's sad how parents, and even our society, don't understand that."

I slowly nod while looking at the fire.

"You know why I asked you this question?" July asks after I take the stick from his hand. We're taking turns holding it, since the water is going to take a while to boil.

"Why?"

He smiles as he looks at the fire. "Someone once told me that if you want to truly understand a person, you just have to ask them what superpower they want. It tells a lot about people."

I nod thoughtfully. I suppose it makes sense, because people want a superpower that will fulfill something they want, and what they want does say a lot about them as a person. "But there are also a lot of people who answer such questions without much thought, you know?"

"That also says a lot about them." He laughs.

For my turn, I go bold and ask him to tell me about his other powers. I had forgotten about this fact, but his question reminded me of it.

He looks like he was expecting it. After a short silence, he asks, "You won't be mad at me, will you?"

"Mad? But why?"

He thinks something, then shakes his head and says, "Okay look, I have two other things I can do. Other than reading your mind, that is."

"Uh, okay."

He takes a while before continuing. "The first one is . . . I can become invisible to you as well."

My brows perk up. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"But- but you never used it, right?"

"Actually, I did. Many times, in fact." He gives me a guilty look. It's obvious that I'm waiting for an explanation, so he starts. "Okay, the first time we met. It was around 3 pm, do you remember? But I came back to Earth only an hour after my- my death. I just opened my eyes and found myself in your room. It was 2 am. So the whole time I was with you, but I was invisible. Why? I simply wasn't ready to turn your whole world upside down. I decided to observe you first, understand what kind of person you are, and then interrupt your regular life—you know what I mean?"

I nod. "Yeah, I guess I understand that."

"Right. So I observed you. I saw Lexi confessing to you, and I also saw Edgar seeing it from a distance. He looked unhappy. So I had a hunch that Edgar was the one bullying you, but I didn't say it because I didn't want to falsely accuse someone. Anyways, I planned to reveal myself later that night, but I just couldn't help it when I saw you at the graveyard, all by yourself, talking to Dawn."

Realization hits me. "Ah! So that's how you disappeared in the graveyard?" I had totally forgotten about that detail.

"Right! So that was the first time. As for the next ones . . ." He hesitates, and asks again, "You won't get mad at me, right?"

"Just say it."

"From the third day, I didn't go to school with you, right?"

"Right . . ."

"Except I did."

I simply blink at him.

"Yeah. I didn't go with you everyday, but most days I did. Now before you get mad at me, listen to my reason. I needed to get an idea of your school life, the people you interact with, so that I could figure out who can help you, and such things. But I didn't want you to get used to my presence at school, nor did I want to distract you from socializing. You tell me, if I was there, would you talk to Edgar, Lexi, Louis, Daisy, Ayesha, and all these people as much as you did without me?"

"I mean, no I won't but- you were really there the whole time?" I shake my head. "That's just . . . I don't know. I don't know what to feel about this."

"I know. That's why I was hesitant." He takes the stick from my hand now, right when my arms were starting to hurt. "Also, not like it made any difference in the end but, I was the one who moved your pen a little so that you mark Dobereineir instead of Newlands."

Once again, my eyes widen. "I just- wow. This is too much information to digest."

"I get it.  That's why I-"

"Wait." I frown.

"Hmm?"

"You made me mark Dobereineir? On the day of the Chemistry exam? But didn't you- the night before- didn't you disappear?"

Realization spreads across his face. He slowly drives his gaze away from mine and mutters swears under his breath.

My jaw drops. "You were there the whole time?!"

"No no no." He vigorously shakes his head. "Not the whole time, but the first day. I was there until the exam ended, and then I left to check up on my parents. I swear."

I blink at him, mouth still hanging open. "But the first day was- w-wa-" I begin to incessantly stutter out of shock, so I compose myself first. "The first day was the hardest one for me! How could you just stand there and- and, I don't know- watch me cry and scream and all that shit? I might have failed the exam if I couldn't sort myself out properly. Did you- I just- why would you do that?"

"Cedar." He gives me an exasperated look, as if I'm not understanding a really simple mathematical problem. "You don't get it, do you? I couldn't let you depend on me entirely during such circumstances. I needed to make you realize that there are other people you can lean on. And you did exactly what I thought you would—you called Edgar, you asked for his help, which he gladly gave you. You even took the decision to go for a walk all by yourself, which is something you probably won't do usually.

"You see it, right? You achieved that by yourself. You grew as a person, you took a step forward. And besides, I was right there, watching you. I thought that if things really get too out of hand for you, I will become visible again and help you. I was prepared for that. But I wanted to see how you handled the situation, and you handled it really well, Cedar. I was proud of you."

Maybe he's right. After all, he's not responsible to look after me all the time. After a few days, I will have to come across many such situations and July won't be there to support me through. But I still can't believe my ears. So I say, "But- but you were still watching from the sidelines like that. I almost hurt myself-"

"But I didn't let you hurt yourself."

"It was . . . you?"

"Yeah."

I sigh. "But why did you choose that moment to leave? Just because my exams were gonna start?"

"Not just because of that. Because things were getting worse and worse for you. It was a time when you needed someone by your side the most. And I had to make you realize that that someone can't be me, it has to be someone else."

"This does not make sense at all." I think it would be better to say it makes sense and doesn't make sense at the same time, depending on whether I think logically or emotionally. Right now I'm thinking with the latter one, which is probably why it's so hard for me to accept it. I further argue, "Yeah, that someone probably wouldn't be you in the future, but it could have been you in that moment. That's what life is, isn't it? People come and go."

"You're right. People come and go. Everyone knows that. But that doesn't make it easier for us to accept it. When we find someone beside us during the hardest times, we expect that person, or want that person to stay beside us during the hard times that will come in the future too. Because humans bond the most during vulnerable hours. That's just how we are. Dawn . . . is gone. But you still want him with you, everywhere, at all times. Even last night when you woke, you kept asking me where he is."

"Really? I asked that?"

He nods.

With that, I lose the argument. Shaking my head, I sigh once again. Neither of us say a word for the next few minutes. Then I say, "But it makes no difference now."

"What doesn't?"

"I'm spending my whole time with you now. A lot more than I ever did before. So I'm getting used to you regardless. So it makes no difference now."

He nods. "You're right. That's why running away was my last resort. I expected better from your mom, actually."

"You're not gonna suddenly leave again, are you?"

"I don't think so." He pauses. "Initially, I wanted us to have enough distance to not connect emotionally, but I realized it's impossible for me to help you out without doing that. And now . . . it's gone too far. It's too late. So there is no point of me trying to run away anymore. Instead, I should just try to enjoy the current moment. Not waste anymore time." He looks at me, a glint of expectation in his eyes. "You get what I mean, don't you?"

I quickly divert my gaze, trying hard to not dig into the meaning of the last question. Somehow, hearing that from him makes a blooming fear surge in my heart. I thought he's just like me, giving more importance to the future than the present. That's what allowed us to have an unspoken mutual agreement about our relationship.

But now, he seems to be changing the way he views me, views us. And that's not a good sign. Because no matter what, I won't be able to do the same. Enjoy the current moment? Impossible. My whole life I have lived in fear of the future, or in regrets of the past. I can't change that now, nor do I want to. If I do, I will get hurt more than what's already fixed for me.

Rewinding back to the past few days, I realize how all the dots connect at this one point. The question he didn't answer that night in the bus stop. The way he suddenly chose to come out to me. The way he looked at me at the top of the bus. The poem he made just a while ago. How he called himself a coward. Maybe even asking me what superpower I want to know me better. All of it was his way of showing how he is starting to not care about the future anymore. That he is slowly building up the courage—the courage I can't even dream of owning.

He is starting to move in a straight line, while I'm still spinning in the circle. How will the two of us survive such a drastic geometric imbalance?

My heart begins to pound. I realize that this must be the reason why he's acting different with me lately. He is bolder, braver, catching me off guard at every step. A cloud of tension is building up, getting thicker and thicker by the minute, as threatening as a time bomb. The unspoken agreement is breaking apart, reaching a point where it can't remain unspoken anymore. Where it shouldn't remain unspoken anymore.

But I don't have the courage nor the energy to have that conversation with him. Not after losing my Dawn forever. Once we do have the conversation, once we do utter the words we're desperately trying to imprison inside our mouths, the space to back away will fully disappear. All we can do is either stay at our spots and suffer, or move forward and suffer.

I can't let that happen.

I don't tell him any of that. I decide that as long as I remain careful, it won't matter. Even if he tries to come closer, I just have to keep my distance. I start feeling less anxious after telling myself this. That's right. Everything will be fine that way. I will be able to-

He snaps his fingers in front of my face, pulling me out of my thoughts. Blinking, I turn back to him.

"Wow, you've been zoned out for a while now, sweetheart."

I really wish he would stop calling me that. Shaking my head, I ask, "What about the other one?"

"Other one?"

"Of your powers."

"Ah . . ." He scratches the back of his neck, which means he is nervous. "I'll tell you that some other day, okay? I'm not in the mood right now anymore."

I nod. I don't think I will be able to handle any more of this either. "Okay, do you think it's done boiling now?"

"Probably, yeah." He takes a closer look at the water. "It's showing the bubbles. Let's keep it for a while longer, just to be safe."

So we wait for ten more minutes in silence, and he pulls the bottle away from the fire. He then unties it and observes the water inside. "I think it's mostly purified now. But it's hot, so drink it later, okay?"

"Okay, then let's not waste anymore time." I stand up and dust off the back of my pants. He looks up at me in question, and I realize he had totally forgotten about our main goal. I ask, "What? You don't wanna find a way out?"

"Ah right!" He jumps up to a standing position. "Right. A way out."

As we start walking, I desperately repeat three sentences in my mind like a mantra.

I need to stay on guard. I need to keep my distance.

I need to protect myself.

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hello lovely readers!

what do you think of this chapter? it's really important that you understand why it's so hard for Cedar to take a step forward, and why he is so afraid of July being the one to do it first. needless to say, it's going to create a lot of complications between the two of them ;-; *siigh* when will my child be happy 😩

anyways, the next chapter is my most favorite one of this arc, and probably one of the most favourite in the whole book! can't wait for y'all to read it :)

hope you liked the chapter. thank you so much for reading. are you guys getting enough sleep these days? hopefully yes. make sure to get 7-8 hours of sleep everyday, even if it is in installments. i haven't been getting proper sleep for months now, which is probably why my writing quality has gone downhill ://

anyways, take care!

— love, Poma