"July, can we take a break?" I ask, finally getting sick of the pain in my leg.

He turns back and glances at my legs and then at me. He nods and says, "Yeah, let's take a break. I'm extremely tired too."

We've been walking aimlessly for a while, with no sign of any trail whatsoever. We have no idea about which direction we're heading in either. Though July is leading the way with the confidence of someone who knows where he is going, I feel like he is just throwing the ball in a dark room.

With a sigh, I sit down in front of a tree and stretch my legs forward. I gently pat my injured knee, which has been slowing us down a little. The more time passes, the more I become sure that we're not gonna be able to make it out today. But July doesn't seem to accept that. He keeps saying that we'll find the trail soon, or at least come across some trustworthy tourists. But then again, it's obvious by now that I'm way better at accepting the reality than him.

July plops down beside me with a groan. He says, "Damn, I can't believe I'm dead and yet my body is no different than how it was before." He moves his neck in all directions and massages his shoulder.

"It's better than not feeling anything at all, I suppose."

"Yeah, that's true. But if I ever get reincarnated, God better give me a healthier body. SMH."

I laugh. But then, an old memory resurfaces back to my mind. Pulling my knees close, I ask, "Do you believe in that?"

"In what?"

"Reincarnation."

"Mmm . . ." His brows crease in thought. Finally, he says, "I don't exactly believe in it, but it could be possible. Regardless of whether I believe it or not, it's a very interesting concept, isn't it?"

"I guess." I realize I've really never thought too much about what happens after death. I've been too focused on how to make my life until death better. "Dawn used to hope that it's true."

"Really?"

"Hmm." I smile at the memory.

------------

4 years ago, Autumn

"Say Ced, do you think reincarnation is real?"

It was a lukewarm autumn afternoon. Dawn and I were on our way back home from school, but we decided to take some detours around the area since we had more time in hand. It was one of those rare days I had no tuition classes to attend, so mom wouldn't be mad if I came home a bit late. At that time, we were standing on the bridge over the Lake Louisa—which was bigger back then—while eating tasty meatballs from  King's Food Truck nearby.

Dawn had asked that question quite abruptly; it was completely irrelevant to what we were talking about before. But then again, Dawn asked a lot of abrupt questions. Whenever he would get a sudden thought, he would immediately share it with me before he forgot.

"I don't know," I simply replied. "More like, I don't care."

"Pfft, boring." He lightly smacked my arm. "Cedar is so boring!"

I pretended to be shocked. "Did you just call me boring? Me? I'll show you what—" I pushed him sideways with my shoulder, and he almost crashed into a girl our age who was standing close by. He saved himself by grabbing the railing before he accidentally harrassed a stranger.

While I laughed hysterically at the look on his face, he stared at me with disbelief overflowing from his eyes. "You—" He hit my arm again, but not too hard. "How could you do this to me? My soul almost left my body! I could literally see it in front of my eyes."

"That's what you get for calling me boring," I replied in between laughs, wiping a tear from the corner of my eyes.

"You're lucky I'm a very nice person. If it was anyone else, you would be drowning in Lake Louisa by now!"

Both of us burst into another fit of laughter. Grabbing my stomach, I said in a mocking tone, "Joke's on you, I know how to swim."

"Pfft." He shook his head and continued to giggle. I won't ever be having these small, precious, happy moments with him anymore. That innocent happiness that existed with Dawn, also left with him.

"So, about what we were talking about earlier," he resumed after the laughter died down. "Suppose reincarnation is real. What would you like to be reincarnated as?"

I reply without much thought again. "A human, of course. But I guess the only thing I want is to be reborn in a nicer family. One that, you know, actually loves me." I also wanted to say that I want to be his friend again, but that felt too cringy to say out loud.

He nodded sympathetically. "Your family is . . . complicated. But it's not like they don't love you."

I ignored his statement. "What about you?"

Excited, he replied, "A human too, but this time, a girl. 'Cause I already know how it feels like to be a boy, so next time I want to experience something different."

I frowned. "But what if you were a girl in your past life, but you just don't remember it?"

He pursed up his lips. "Well, I didn't think of that." Thinking something for a while, he said, "But still! And plus, I want to be reborn as your friend again. No Cedar, no Dawn."

That's what he had said. If 'No Cedar, No Dawn' was true, then how could he have thought 'No Dawn, No Cedar' wouldn't be true as well? And if he did know it is the truth, then how could he just . . . leave me behind like this?

"Yeah right." I chuckled, feeling surprised knowing how he thought the same as me. It also made a smoke of warmth diffuse in my heart, a feeling I only got to experience with him. But I let out a laugh, slightly cringing at the last sentence. "But what if we're born in different places and never even come across each other?"

He shook his head and smiled. Looking at the tall Tower Louisa with his head raised, he said, in a voice filled with great certainty, "Even if we're born in two completely different corners of this universe, I believe we will still bump into each other one day. It's inevitable. Such is our bond."

------------

Over a year into the future, as I was washing my face in front of the mirror after hearing a bunch of painful scoldings from mom, I abruptly remembered this line again, and burst into tears.

They were tears of extreme gratitude; gratitude for someone like Dawn for existing in my life. I thought, as long as Dawn is with me, I can survive in this suffocating family, under this boundless pressure, trapped in this cage. It was one of the very few times I actually appreciated Dawn's presence in my life instead of taking him for granted.

"Dawn . . . really loved you a lot, Cedar," July tells me, a small smile in his face.

I take a deep breath, trying my best to ignore the way my chest is starting to get heavier. "I know."

July pats my shoulder and stands up with a groan. "Now let's get back to walking."

So that's what we do. Once again, we start treading through the rows of trees and bushes, hoping for any sign of an organized pathway that will take us somewhere.

Everything was going well, and I was starting to enjoy myself a little, until one particular sound reaches my ears and shatters it all.

Thunder.

Both July and I stop walking and look up. During our conversations, neither of us had noticed how the atmosphere is darker now. The sky overhead is no longer pale blue, but a light shade of gray. There are no longer any sunrays entering this place. Gentle drums of thunder echo from a faraway world.

"Shit," July says. He lets out a dry laugh. "Of course. I mean, of course this will happen. I'm not even surprised at this point."

An alarm goes off in my head. Quickly, I tell him, "Let's find cover, July."

"This is bad." He turns to me. "Finding cover won't be a problem. We just need to get under a tree with dense leaves. But after that? We don't know how long the rain will last. The sun will be going down soon. Besides, the roads will get muddy. It will slow us down."

My heart begins to pound. Though I knew it already, the confirmed realization hits harder than I thought it would. "We can't make it out."

"Fuck." July rubs his face again. He is no longer bothering to look confident. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck."

I take a few deep breaths, close my eyes and try to calm down to think clearly. Another thunder booms, and the air begins to smell humid. A bulb lights up in my head.

"Fire." I grab his shoulder and shake him. "July, we have to make a fire for the night."

He gives me an incredulous look. "Fire can't do shit! We are stuck in the middle of a damn forest and we have zero wildlife knowledge!"

My hands have started shaking a little, but I try to focus. He has kept me calm this whole time, so now it's my turn to contribute. "We have to try everything we can. July, hurry up and collect wood before it starts raining. We can't make a fire if the wood is wet. Go, go."

I let him go and begin looking around. After standing still for a while, July does the same. I first take out all the clothes from my bag. Then I take out the polythene bag with the snacks Edgar gave me and fill the remaining space in it with one t-shirt and one (clean) underwear. That's how I make more space in the bag. I transfer the two books to a different pocket. The only thing in the biggest pocket is the sketchbook now. Then I begin to stuff it with dry, fallen leaves.

"Do you even know how to make a fire?" July asks me as he looks for broken branches.

"Uhh, just a little?" I did read about making fires in some books, I think. Not academic textbooks though, needless to say. "We need dry leaves, small sticks, branches, and logs. And then . . ." Shit, we don't have a matches.

Just as I'm starting to panic, July offers, "And then we use the lighter?"

"Lighter? What li— oh! Oh yeah." The lighter Mr. Harold gave me before the farewell. Thank God, what a lifesaver.

With as much as speed as we can, we collect everything that can be used to make a fire and somehow squeeze them in the bag. We couldn't fit in much, but I think that's okay. In case we need more, we just have to take some wet pieces of woods and peel off the outer skin.

When the first drop of rain falls on my head, I quickly zip the bag shut.

Meanwhile, July has found a tree for us. He drags me along as the rain gets stronger every second, and by the time we have finally made it under the selected tree, my shoulders are already wet.

The tree is everything we need for maximum safety. It is shorter than most neighouring trees, has a dome-shaped arrangement of leaves instead of a pointy tip to not attract lightning, and also thick branches and dense leaves to block the rain to some extent. It isn't fully safe, but safer than other places. Both of us slump down on the ground.

July leans against the tree trunk and rubs his knee. "Ugh, my legs," he moans and begins to punch his thigh.

I grab his wrist. "Don't do that. It will make it worse."

He nods. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I swat away drops of water from my hair.

He sits straight. "You're wet already– oh wait, that sounds so wrong."

"You— you perv." At this, he bursts into laughter. I only smile.

"Anyways, you should change. Or you'll catch a cold."

"Yeah." I take out the T-shirt I put inside the polythene bag and start to unbutton my shirt. From the corner of my eyes, I find July looking at the opposite direction, which is good.

After putting on the T-shirt, I tie the sleeves of the wet shirt around my chin and let the rest of the shirt cover my head and shoulders like a nun's wimple. I poke July's arm and he turns to me.

"Oh! Little Buddy looks cute!"

"Pfft, I was born cute," I reply with fake arrogance.

He laughs. "That sounds like something I would say."

Laughing as well, I say, "That's why I said it."

Then silence settles between us, the void filled by the drizzling music of the rain. The green of the forest becomes more vibrant from receiving nature's sustenance, while the world gets veiled with smoky mist as the rainfall becomes stronger. Once in a while, drops of water hit my face. I begin to shiver.

"Are you cold?" July asks.

I nod, and hug my knees more tightly. July is sitting with his legs crossed, shoulder pressed against the tree trunk.

"Oh. I should– uh, I should get away, then." He starts to move away from me, but I quickly grab his arm.

"Um, it's- it's fine. Just . . . stay here." My cheeks flush.

"Oh, um, okay."

So the two of us remain sitting side by side under the tree, shoulders undecidedly pressed against each other. We watch the rain slow down to thinner drops, the volume of the music reducing. We watch the drops hitting the puddles and doing a small jump, spreading a ripple afterwards. We watch as the trees dance in the wind with their viridescent dresses glistening with raindrops.

"You know," July says after a long time, "If you forget everything else for a while — forget that we're stuck in a forest, have no knowledge of survival, and all that stuff — then this . . . this is really nice."

Maybe he's right. So I start letting go of everything, just for a moment lasting as long as this rainfall. I don't think about what we will do after this. I don't think about where we will spend the night. I don't think about how we will find a way out of here, or when. I don't think about what will happen once I run out of water. I don't think about anything but the rain, the nature, and the boy sitting beside me.

A mist of calm envelopes my heart, and I feel a strange sense of peace. Serenity. Tranquility. Have I ever felt like this before? It's as if I'm floating. I take a deep breath to inhale the humid smell of rain mixed with the scent of nameless trees.

Then, undecidedly again, I put my head on his shoulder.

I expect him to show some sort of reaction, but he doesn't. Is he captivated by the rain? Or is he only pretending, just like me? I don't know. All I know is that my left side is slowly freezing, but I don't care at all. I am craving this closeness, like I would crave outside world on the other side of the white window. There is an unexplainable feeling of solace in having a shoulder to lean on to; it's a feeling that cannot be replaced with anything else.

"I think we're gonna be okay," he suddenly says, almost in a whisper, "don't you, Cedar?"

"Mhm. We're gonna be okay."

We're gonna be okay. I'm not so sure about that, but at least, I'm not alone. I've been having this realization repeatedly ever since I left home. At least I'm not alone.

When he leans his head against mine, I feel as though my body no longer belongs to me. I'm melting, and maybe soon I will just be another puddle in this forest. I find within me a blooming fear, fear at how each drop of rain hits stronger than the previous. There is no end to it, no way to come out, only the pain of restraining yourself from getting drenched in this drizzle. Once you get drenched, it's all over. You will fall sick to a point of no return, and perhaps, you will never be the same again.

So I close my eyes, hoping that the rain will drown the sound of my pounding heart.

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14.03.2021

hello loves!

hope you're all doing well. what do you think of this chapter? i personally loved the last scene. i really want to experience the forest rain at least once in my life, albeit under better circumstances.

i want to let you all know that im not doing very well these days. hence why it's taking me a while to reply to the comments, and also to reply to the private messages. i'm trying my best to deal with it all in a healthy way, so i hope you will understand. don't worry, i will be fine. it's hard without any support from people in my real life, but im trying my best, so i hope all of you will do the same. it's okay to feel down, it's okay to feel unmotivated, it's okay to feel tired. as long as you have the desire to get better, you will get better, for sure.

anyways, thanks a lot for reading! take care of yourself please! we can do this! (＾∇＾)ﾉ♪

— lots of love and support, Poma