CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Emotional Fixations 

***

"My singing voice will never be the same." 

 Embry stared at me, blatant confusion evident on his face as he looked at the expression of despondence on mine. "I'm sorry... what?" 

I looked up to my boyfriend, my hoarse voice repeating what I had previously stated. "My singing career is over." 

 "You never had a singing career." 

 "Well now I'll never be able too." 

 Embry crawled over to press his hand against my forehead, "how much drugs did Cullen give you?" 

 My frown deepened. If I said that my throat wasn't sore, I would be lying. Carlisle said that there was no way to know if my voice was ever going to sound like its usual beautiful self again, or if it would always sound like I just woke up. 

 I didn't even process anything that happened until I woke up. Even then, I automatically realized that I was hurting like hell. Like I was throat-punched by someone wearing an iron glove. It's not a nice feeling, knowing that you were trapped inside of your own mind, while your friends and family grieved in the real world... the world of the living. 

  Apparently I was dead... okay, that means that my heart stopped. That is what dead means, that is the scientific explanation. You are dead, your heart stops... cool. It's really quite simple, I don't know why people over-complicate it so much. If your heart is beating, you're alive. But technically, there is still time after your heart stops, when your brain is still alive. A short time, yes, but a very real time. 

 I think I hallucinated in that time. 

 Here's what happened, I didn't see God. I didn't see any deceased relatives, or woodland creatures, or any of that stuff. No, I just saw darkness. The back of my eyelids is the usual darkness you see in slumber, but this was darker. Like I had fallen into an abyss. And then, it lit up.

 White... flashes of light, like at a concert when everyone raises their hands, and turn on their phone flashlight. Then I saw... me. I saw Anthony Carter... not too far in the past. 

 It was before any of my friends had phased, that day on the cliff. It was like I was watching from a third-person perspective, of me gripping onto Embry for dear life as Jake and Quil tried to get me into the water. I was so small... I didn't really truly realize how short I actually was, and it is laughable now. Well, not necessarily to me, more to my friends in the past.

 I just am now seeing it clearly. 

 Then I saw that one time that I remember from a few summers ago. We were in the city, jay-walking obviously--even though I almost had an anxiety attack before-- when Jacob almost got hit by a tour bus. I am pretty sure that is the first time I said more than five swear words in perfect unison with Quil. 

 "Holy shit!" Jake yelped, managing to jump on the sidewalk just as the bus stopped where he was moments before. His face was bright red, and he turned to the bus right as the doors opened. "Who the fuck trained you? Jesus Christ you hurrying to get to your appointment murder a bunch of babies? What the fuck man, get a real job!" 

 As this rant was being emitted, a large group of elderly's giving him looks of both mortification and confusion as they exited the bus. Embry's grip slowly released his grip on my arm as we watched his exchange, and slowly, very slowly, Quil began to laugh. 

 Then Embry did. 

 And then I.

 Laughing until we were leaning on each other for support, our faces turning almost as red as Jacobs as he began arguing with the bus driver. That wasn't his favorite trip, but it is still one of the funniest things that have ever happened to me. 

 The last thing I heard in my state of unconscious was my father. 

 I didn't see anything. No, I just heard his voice in my head. It was all so real- from his heavy accent, to the way he cleared his throat before staring a new sentence. It was so real that I was sure I was dead... but then I realized I heard him say this before. 

 And it wasn't directed at me. 

He was talking to Alyssa. 

 "Mi amor," he would say gently, and I could picture him brushing her hair from her face. "You aren't like the other kids, but you have something that none of them have." 

 "What?" That was Alyssa, in her innocent, thirteen year old girl voice. 

 "You have courage. You have a voice that you can use to show people just how brilliant you are. You now what my papa told me when I was a child? Tell her, Ant." 

 The only person who ever called me Ant. 

 I heard my voice, my voice that stayed the same until I phased. "Um, lucha con un escudo hecho de independencia" 

 "Exactly. What does that mean, Allie?" 

 "Fight with a shield of independence?" 

"Exactly! And you know what that means? It means that even if the other kids make fun of you, you show them that you don't need them to be fantastic." 

 Alyssa would have sniffled and wiped her face with her sleeve, before giggling. "That's so dorky, papa."

 Dad laughed, his loud, booming laugh that can't help but make you smile to yourself. "See? You already have it down." 

 Another giggle. "I love you."  

 "I love you too, hermosa."

 She would have run back upstairs, and then papa would have sighed and turned to me, clapping my shoulder and inhaling deeply. "Your sister is strong, you need to make sure she stays that way, yeah? Always look after her, even when I can't." 

 "I promise I will."

That was what got to me. I promise I will. A promise to my father, when he knew he wouldn't make it, and wanted to make sure his children had the best life they could. I promised I would make sure Lyssa stays strong, so how the hell was I supposed to do that if I died? Dying is for people who don't have a choice- but I'll be damned if I can't take a shot of vodka to get my heart pumping and keep on going.

 That is actually not smart, please do not do that, children. 

 But now I was concerned. I was concerned that everything would be different now. What if I'm not as smart? What if somehow my genes were effected by the... you know... drugs? And bloodsucker squeezing. 

 "I don't know, I just..." I shifted on my spot so I could face Embry, my eyebrows furrowing together. "It's all gonna stay the same, right? You're still gonna love me even when I sound like Batman had a baby with Dora the Explorer?" 

 Embry's face screwed up in confusion for a brief moment as he took in my analogy, before shaking his head. "Weird... uh, yeah, of course I still love you, why would you even ask something like that?" 

 "It's impossible for vocal chord damage to travel to the brain, right?" 

 "Let's test." Embry sat up, turning so he could stare directly at me. "Tell me a random, nerdy fact about science." 

 "Venus is the only planet to spin clockwise." 

 Embry grinned, leaning forward to press his lips on mine, his hand reaching up to cup my jaw. I reached forward to run my hand through his hair, the hot feeling of relief bubbling up in my chest. 

 So, I could still be smart... that's a start.  

 "I'll tell you a secret before Paul or something comes barging up the stairs..." he wiggled his eyebrows. "I think your voice is kinda sexy." 

 I smacked his arm, resulting in a vivacious round of laughter from my boyfriend as he tried to dodge the hit. I leaned forward to kiss him again, the fizzing sensation in my chest being one thing that definitely did not change. 

 "I love you, nerd, never forget that." 

 I smiled again, "I love you too, weirdo." 

 And that was one thing that I knew would never change.