Chapter 32

Choice

Pinabalik na ako ng doktor sa kuwarto ko dahil maayos na naman ang pakiramdam ko. Inalalayan ako ni Alec. I did not look at him. I couldn't yet. Kapag ginawa ko iyon at nagpadala ako, baka mahirapan na akong palayain siya.

I took a bath by myself. I wanted to get cleaned up. When I was done, I started to paint again. I painted on the only remaining blank wall. I painted until my hands hurt.

Alec left me alone but he stayed inside the room. Tahimik niya lang akong pinagmamasdan. Hindi niya ako inabala kahit saglit. He noticed that I was too engrossed with what I was doing.

Buong araw ko itong ginawa. I wanted to paint the most perfect sunset before I finally leave the place.

Alec went out a bit to answer an urgent call. Hindi siya nagtagal sa labas at agad din na bumalik. Napansin ko na pagbalik niya ay may bitbit na siyang Polaroid. He put it on the top shelf.

His gaze was on me again. I finally raised my head and looked at him.

"Nasa kulungan na si Lee," he softly said. "His case is non-bailable. Do'n na siya sa kulungan mabubulok."

I nodded and looked away.

"I need to go and talk with the lawyers," he informed me. "Pupunta si Feng dito para samahan ka. Babalik din ako agad."

I gave a small nod without looking at him.

"Do you need anything?"

I shook my head.

"Jia..."

There's something about the way he called my name reason why I had to look at him. His eyes looked sad and hopeful at the same time about something.

"I love you."

Bahagyang umawang ang labi ko. I didn't know how to respond. Those three words could ruin my entire plan if I let myself believe that maybe there is still a chance for the two of us. So I did what I had been good at the past months, I stared at him blankly, void with obvious emotions.

He smiled but I could see it in his eyes that he's hurting by the lack of my response. Before I start to regret any of it, I turned away and finished my painting.

Alec left when Feng arrived. Naging maingay ulit ang kuwarto ko dahil kay Feng. Naiintindihan ko na ang ginagawa niya. Gusto niyang umakto na normal lang ang lahat para sa akin.

When the final stroke of my brush hit the canvas, I heard the loud gasp coming from Feng.

"Ang ganda!" anas niya habang nakatayo sa likuran ko. She's looking at my painting.

Ngumiti ako at inilapag na sa mesa ang hawak na paintbrush. I turned to look at her. She is staring at my sunset in awe.

"Talaga ba?" banayad na tanong ko.

Lalo lang na bumagsak ang panga niya at mabilis akong tiningnan. Her eyes looked so surprised.

"A-Anong sabi mo?"

Mas lumapad pa ang ngiti ko. "Ang sabi ko, talaga bang maganda ang ipininta ko?"

She shrieked with happiness and wonder. Tumayo na ako at hinarap siya. Halos sabay naming niyakap ang isa't-isa. She is so genuinely happy for me. Hindi naman matanggal ang ngisi sa labi ko.

"Dapat tawagan ko na si Alec!" excited na sambit niya. "Sobrang matutuwa 'yon kapag nalaman niya!"

My face fell. Nawala rin ang ngiti sa mga labi ko. She noticed it right away.

"Bakit? May problema ba?" she urgently asked.

Napalunok ako. "I want to tell him in person."

Maagap siyang tumango. "Oo naman! Pasensiya na at sobrang na-excite ako!"

I gave her a reassuring nod.

Naupo na kami sa sofa nang parehas ng umahon ang emosyon naming dalawa. Pinag-usapan namin si Kuya Lee at in-update rin ako ni Feng sa takbo ng kaso. And then we went to lighter topics.

"Feng, may... bago ka bang dini-date?" patiuna ko. " 'Di ba may kinuwento ka sa'kin dati na may date ka?"

Napakunot-noo siya habang tinitignan ako na may pagtataka sa mga mata.

"W-Wala na. At kailan ka pa naging interesado ro'n?" She giggled.

Tipid akong ngumiti. "Interesado naman ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay mo."

Mabilis na binahiran ng kahihiyan ang ekspresyon sa mukha niya.

"Ang ibig kong sabihin, huwag mo nang pansinin ang dating life ko at hindi naman importante. Mas mahalagang pag-usapan 'tong mga nangyayari sa buhay mo."

I put a warm hand on my best friend's arm. "I want you to stop worrying about me anymore," marahan na pakiusap ko. "May sariling buhay ka rin, Feng. I want you to focus on your own life."

"Aysus, 'wag kang mag-alala," aniya sabay tapik sa kamay ko na nasa braso niya, "ngayon na alam kong ayos ka na, magfo-focus na ako sa dating life ko. Ayos ba?" She smirked at me proudly.

I paused. I was hesitant with my next words.

"What do you think about..." I licked my lips. "about Alec?"

"Ha?" She looked so confused.

"Alec is very kind. You're my best friend. Magkalapit na rin kayo sa isa't-isa," sunod-sunod na lumabas sa bibig ko. "He deserves someone who's thoughtful and as kind as you—"

"Teka! Sandali nga lang!" awat niya. Halos natawa na siya. "Ano ba'ng pinagsasasabi mo, Jia? Ayos ka na ba talaga?"

I swallowed hard. Seryoso ko siyang tiningnan sa mga mata sa kabila ng halatang kalituhan sa mukha niya.

"Hindi na kami puwede ni Alec. Papalayain ko na siya."

Feng gaped at me. "Anong kahibangan 'yan?"

"I will ask for an annulment. Hiwalay na rin naman kami. Sasabihin ko lang kay Alec na hindi na dapat kami magkita pa."

Napatayo si Feng at hinarap ako. Hindi niya ako makapaniwalang tiningnan.

"Jia, bakit? Hindi ko maintindihan!"

"There is no hope for the two of us," mariing paliwanag ko. "Magiging pabigat lang ako sa kan'ya. I am not fully healed. Oo ngayon, ayos ang mentalidad ko pero paano kung dumating na naman ang araw na... maging baliw ulit ako. Na may magtrigger ulit sa takot at trauma ko?"

"Hindi ka susukuan ni Alec, Jia! Mahal na mahal ka niya..." giit niya na para bang ito ang solusyon sa lahat.

"I don't love him anymore." I coldly stated.

"Hindi ako naniniwala. Mahal mo siya kaya mo 'to ginagawa."

I looked down as I felt hopeless. Hindi sapat kay Feng ang mga sinabi kong dahilan.

"Best friend kita, Jia, kaya palalampasin ko ang mga sinabi mo kanina na para bang gusto mo akong ireto kay Alec."

"I'm sorry," I said desperately.

"Alec is just like a brother to me, gaya ng kapatid ang turing ko sa'yo. I don't imagine him like that kaya hindi ko gets kung bakit umabot pa diyan ang imagination mo."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin. Nahihiya ko siyang pinagmasdan.

"Mahal na mahal ka ni Alec," she continued while looking at me in the eyes. "Hindi iyon maghahanap ng iba kaya sana naman pag-isipan mo pa nang maigi ang plano mo."

"I've already thought about it. I've made up my mind."

"Jia, naman..."

"Please support me with this decision. Mabigat din naman ito para sa akin. I need to do this for myself and for him."

Natahimik si Feng. Batid ko na hindi siya sang-ayon sa plano ko maski na hindi niya pa sabihin sa akin. We were both quiet. Hindi na bumalik sa pagiging magaan ang usapan namin.

She left when Alec arrived. She gave me one hopeful look, still urging me to change my mind when she said her goodbyes. I silently shook my head at her. Buo na ang pasya ko.

"Ayos ka lang ba?" tanong ni Alec na nahalata ang lalo pang pagsasawalang kibo ko.

"Can we look at the sunset this time?" I asked him softly.

He gasped sharply because of shock. Matagal niya pa akong tinitigan.

"You're... You're..."

"Yes. I can speak now," I finally told him. "My mind is a bit... clear as well."

His mouth broke into a delighted smile. "Oh God..." he groaned and then he wrapped his arms around me. I smiled when he embraced me. Naramdaman ko ang sobrang kasiyahan niya.

"I want to watch the sunset with you." For one last time.

"Of course, baby..." anas niya. Paulit-ulit niyang hinagkan ang ulo ko, ang noo ko.

We were like that for a long time. Hinayaan ko ang sarili na yakapan siya nang mahigpit pabalik. It earned me an even tighter hug from him. Batid ko na hindi pa rin siya makapaniwala sa nangyayari.

He took the Polaroid. We stepped outside the building with our joined hands. Our fingers entertwined. It was the perfect moment. The sun was about to set beautifully. This time hindi na ako nakapaa.

This time there are no dried leaves falling. Napalitan na ng bagong mga dahon ang matatayog na puno. It has marked the new beginnings for things. The wind is gentle, not harsh. It is forgiving.

We continued walking passed the groomed grasses. Nalagpasan din namin ang mabatong daan.

I could not help but gave a small gasp upon seeing the new wooden bleacher in between the tall trees. Bago pa makarating dito ay nilingon ko na si Alec. Nakatingin na agad siya sa akin.

"Pinagawa ko para kapag naisipan mo na lumabas ulit, may mauupuan tayo," he told me. "Do you like it?"

I bit my lower lip and slowly nodded. His thoughtfulness warmed my heart so much.

Nagpatuloy na ako sa paghakbang hanggang sa narating na ang bleacher. Nauna akong naupo rito at sumunod naman si Alec. He put the Polaroid camera in between us.

Sa mga naunang minuto ay tahimik lang naming pinagmamasdan ang papalubog ng araw. Mapayapa at masaya ang mukha ni Alec habang pinagmamasdan 'to samantalang ako naman ay humuhugot ng panibagong lakas ng loob.

"Do you want to finally go home?" banayad na tanong niya.

"Oo." Nilingon ko na siya.

"We'll talk with Dr. Arellano. He'll probably do some tests. Hintayin natin ang go signal niya."

I nodded at him. Nanatili ang malamyos na tingin niya sa akin.

"There are a lot of things that I want to say to you," aniya na tila ba nahihiya pa. "Pero baka mabigatan ka." He chuckled. "Maybe some other time, huh? We have the lifetime together anyway."

My chest felt suddenly heavy. He's thinking about our future together. And I am going to end it for us.

"Puwede ba na ako muna ang may sabihin?" I threated my words carefully.

"Of course." He leaned forward giving me all of his attention. Napagtanto ko na lagi niya itong ginagawa sa tuwing magsasalita ako. Like I am the only one who matters.

"Thank you so much, Alec," sabi ko sa pilit na ipinatatag na boses. " Thank you for taking care of me. Sa lahat ng sakripisyo mo sa'kin." I breathed in as the next words would be so hard for me to utter. "I'm sorry... kasi inakusahan kita. Akala ko ikaw 'yong dumukot sa'kin..."

"Let's not talk about that. Tapos na 'yon, Jia."

"Muntik na kitang mapakulong," I added painfully. "Muntik ko nang masira pati ang buhay mo."

"I didn't care."

"And it shouldn't be the case," I gritted. "You shouldn't have been reckless like that."

"Magagaling naman ang abogado ko," he ammended. "At alam ko rin na lalabas ang katotohanan."

"Paano kung hindi 'yon lumabas? I saw you argued with your attorneys. Para saan 'yon, Alec? Para paluguran lang ako?"

He looked away shamefully. Aminado siya na tama ang hinala ko.

"You were so willing to jeopardize your defense just so the trial wouldn't be hard for me," paratang ko. "Hindi ako abogado pero alam ko ang ginawa mo. I could have destroyed your life..."

"You didn't," alu niya. His eyes were soft as he gazed at me. His love unconditional.

"I don't want you to risk everything for me again."

His response was only a stubborn clenched jaw.

"Please, be selfish this time..." marahang pakiusap ko.

His eyes darkened. "The last time I did that, I lost you... I can't lose you again."

"Nothing bad will ever happen to me again," I assured him. "Napakulong mo na sila. You don't have to worry about me anymore."

He grew quiet. I continued, "Alam ko na dapat wala na akong hilingin pa sa'yo, but maybe that's the only role I have in your life. To ask for things..."

Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa akin. There's adamant protest in his eyes.

I looked at him with pleading eyes. "I want you to let me go."

"No." It's a quick response, like a reflex. Hindi na pinag-isipan pa.

"I want you to stop seeing me," mariing pahayag ko.

"No."

"I want an annulment."

Umawang ang labi niya. His mouth slacked and his neck corded. I know that it's very unfair. Especially that it was an annulment I asked before I got kidnapped. Before I was tortured and raped.

"Just please set me free, Alec," I begged him. "You can't fix me. I'm dirty, used... so broken."

"I'm not trying to fix you," he gritted. "I'm loving you."

"Hindi magiging sapat ang pagmamahal mo," marahas na sambit ko. "Hindi mapupunan nito ang nawala sa pagkatao ko."

"Hindi man lang ba ako naging parte ng nawala sa pagkatao mo?" he asked weakly. "Is  that how less my love is for you? Na maski kahit konti lang, maramdaman mo man lang?"

"Hindi ako ang babae para sa'yo—"

"You are the only one for me," matigas na putol niya. "How can you say that when all I've ever loved is you? When the only sure thing in my life is my love for you."

"Makakahanap ka pa ng iba." I told him gently.

"I won't."

"Magmamahal ka pa. Maybe not now... but one day you will..."

"Hindi mangyayari 'yon," giit niya. Sobrang tigas ng paninindigan niya na para bang siguradong-sigurado na siya.

"Hindi kita kayang mahalin... gaya ng pagmamahal na ipinaparamdam mo sa'kin."

"Hindi ko hinihingi 'yan sa'yo." He desperately took my hands. Gustong hulihin ng nagsusumamong tingin niya ang mga mata ko. "I just want you to be with me. I can't... I can't breathe without you," nahihirapang sambit niya. His eyes were red with tears. "Jia, I c-can't live without you."

We were both crying so hard. Here is the man who loves me so much. Here is the man begging for me to love him back. Here is the man who deserves so much more.

"Please... just let me go, Alec."

He stared at our hands. It was like a double meaning. Him letting go of my hands means he's letting me go from his life as well.

Humigpit ang hawak niya sa mga kamay ko. As if he's afraid that I would slip away. Binalot ako ng ibang klase ng takot. He was shaking but he was very determined. Kung magpapadala ako, baka ako na mismo ang kumapit sa kan'ya.

I pretended to laugh with bitterness. "Are you gonna force me? Just like how that... rapist forced me?"

He quickly let go of my hands as if they burned him. My words burned him. Napapikit siya nang mariin. Umigting ang panga niya. I just kept on hurting him and I hated myself for it.

We both grew quiet. So quiet that we can even hear our quick breathing.

"I have nightmares too," he said as he stared at the fading sunset.

My lips parted. I didn't know about it.

"It's hard for me to sleep at night," pagpapatuloy niya sa mahinang boses. "Kapag bumibisita ako sa'yo, kahit papaano, nakakatulog ako. Isang oras... minsan dalawa."

"You've never mentioned it to me," sambit ko.

"Why would I?" He sadly smiled. "I couldn't burden you with it."

"I was out of my mind as well, right?" sabi ko. "Naging baliw din ako kaya pa'no ko maiintindihan ang sitwasyon mo?"

He turned his head to look at me. There's longing in his eyes.

"I've never thought of you any less. I would tell you things, Jia. About the case, how my day went. The weather outside. Even if I knew that you were not paying attention. Kahit hindi ako kilala ng alaala mo. But the nightmares, I kept them to myself."

"Tell me about them..." Iniisip ko na siguro kapag sinabi niya sa akin, hindi na masyadong mahirap ang desisyong ginawa ko.

Malayo ang tingin niya. And I've realized how beautiful and strong he is as a man.

"It's always different every night," he started. "And it always end up the same... the pain is the same... about me losing you. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night, breaking with tears and sweat... screaming your name..."

My tears broke. I wiped them away with my shaky hands.

"Other times, it would be hard to breathe," dugtong niya. His face contorted in pain. "I keep reminding myself that you're already safe. That they could never hurt you anymore... it's a temporary consolation for me."

I bit my lip to stifle my cries.

"Every word that you said during the trial kept on haunting me," he hissed in pain. "Every detail of what you went through, they kept playing on my mind with so much clarity that every time I'd close my eyes to sleep, I see your pain. As if I was there. And it makes me feel fucking helpless."

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Hindi ko 'to sinasabi sa'yo para kaawaan mo," dugtong niya. "I'm saying all of these to tell you that I am suffering with you. That I am willing to suffer with you. Sa halagang sa huli, 'di ka rin bibitaw gaya ng 'di ko pagbitaw sa'yo."

It heavily punched my gut. I choked a series of sobs.

"I'm so s-sorry, Alec..."

"Don't be." He looked at me with tears streaming down his cheeks. His lips reddened as he bit on them. "It's my choice. Loving you is my choice. But letting you go is not even an option for me. Pero ngayon, gusto mo na 'yan ang piliin ko."

"I can't give you the love that you deserve. I don't have it in me anymore."

He nodded defeatedly. He tried to smile but couldn't. He could not pretend anymore. It hurts too much.

"I don't want to force my love on you. I want you to heal." Masyadong marahan at puno ng pang-unawa ang pagkakasabi niya nito. "Kahit sobrang masakit para sa'kin, tutuparin ko pa rin ang kahilingan mo."

"Thank you for understanding my pain." I said with so much emotions.

His eyes turned soft. His mouth gentle.
"You take care of yourself," paalala niya. "Promise me that you won't sleep on the cold floor anymore..."

I nodded.

"Promise me that you'll stay warm. That you'll laugh again," dagdag pa niya. "Ipangako mo sa'kin na hindi ka na magmumukmok sa isang kuwarto."

"I promise," I said hoarsely.

"You want an annulment, right?" aniya sa nahihirapang boses. "I'll take care of the papers, you won't even have to see me."

Tumango lang ako dahil hindi ko na kayang magsalita pa.

"Focus on your healing. Talk to Feng. You don't have to be alone again."

Namuo ulit ang mga luha sa mga mata ko.

"I will. You don't have to worry about me anymore, Alec."

"Please, don't make me regret letting you go," he rasped. "I want you to be happy."

"I will," I said with determination.

Tumango siya at pareho kaming natahimik ulit. He took the Polaroid camera he had brought with him. He took one shot of the sunset. He waited for the photo to be printed out.

Nang lumabas na ang litrato ay marahan niyang inilapag ang Polaroid kasama ng nakunan niyang litrato sa espasyo na nakapagitan sa aming dalawa.

I couldn't look at it. I know that the shot is too perfect. It's perfection will only remind me about this painful moment.

Tumingala si Alec. Ganoon din ang ginawa ko. Sabay naming tahimik na pinanood ang unti-unting pamamaalam ng araw.

In that moment, Alec has become my sunset. And I had to say goodbye to him as he said goodbye to me. This time, without a promise of tomorrow.