Chapter 30

Scars

I did not want to paint today. Gumising na lang ako na walang ganang magpinta. The day was gloomy just like my mood. Maski ilang beses akong kinumbinsi ng mga nurse na magpinta, sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ay tumanggi ako.

"Gusto mo bang lumabas na lang ng kuwarto?" suhestiyon ng nurse sa akin. "Halika ka. Lumanghap tayo ng sariwang hangin."

Umiling ako at pagod na sinulyapan ang nakabukas na pintuan. Naupo ako sa dulo ng kama at isinandal ang ulo sa pader. Tulala kong pinagmasdan ang kawalan.

Pumasok ang isa pang nurse na may bitbit na malinis na kumot. Ipinatong niya ito sa gilid ng kama. Lumapit siya sa isa kong nurse na abalang nag-aasikaso ng vitamins at gamot.

"Anyare do'n?" aniya sabay nguso sa direksiyon ko.

"Walang gana magpinta."

"Ah." Umismid siya. "Maglilinis pa naman ngayon 'yong utility sa kuwarto."

"Ayaw din lumabas eh." Nagkibit siya ng balikat.

"Dadalaw na naman ba husband niya?" The talkative nurse hovered around her.

"Malamang. Araw-araw naman 'yon pumupunta rito. Kung puwede nga lang dito na tumira, dito na 'yon kasama asawa niya."

"Hindi ko ma-imagine," humina ang boses niya pero dinig ko pa rin, "pa'no kaya natitiis no'ng husband niya lahat ng 'to? Kung ibang lalaki siguro, maghahanap na ng pamalit."

"Maganda naman si Miss Jia."

"Oo nga. Given na 'yon pero... alam mo na. Sobrang guwapo at yaman niya. Ang mga gano'n kalaunan maghahanap 'yon ng... normal."

"Siguro sa bigat na rin ng napagdaanan nilang dalawa. Grabeng pagmamahal din 'yon."

"Malay natin."

Nagnakaw ako ng tingin sa kanilang dalawa. The nurse I liked had this dreamy look on her face as she gazed at the ceiling.

"Sana, one day, makahanap din ako ng ganyang klaseng pagmamahal."

Natapos din ang usapan nila dahil hindi tumugon pa sa komento niya ang kasamang nurse.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagtitig sa kawalan pero tumatak na sa akin ang naging pahayag ng nurse. Pakiramdam ko tuloy pabigat lang ako.

Nakapananghalian na ako nang dumating si Alec. Nadatnan niya ako sa loob ng kuwarto na walang ginagawa at tahimik lang na nakatitig sa painting na bagong gawa. I used the canvas given to me by Jean Caitlyn.

Lumipad ang tingin ni Alec sa paintbrushes na nakalatag lang sa sahig.

"I brought you something," aniya pagkaraan ng mahabang katahimikan.

I looked at him. He was holding another photo of a sunset. Inayos niya ang pagkakahawak dito para matingnan ko nang mabuti. Tumitig ako rito.

"Kahapon ko 'to kinuhanan no'ng pauwi na ako." He quietly handed it to me. Tinanggap ko at hindi na tinanggal ang pagtitig dito.

Walang pasubali akong tumayo at naglakad sa kung saan ko inilalagay ang mga kuha niyang litrato ng sunsets. Sinilip ko ang bandang likuran nito. He wrote something in it just like the others.

I did not read the writings. I put the photo inside the box.

He followed me. Tahimik lang siyang nanood sa ginawa ko.

"Gusto mo bang lumabas?

I nodded without looking at him.

"Really?" There was a hint of surprise in his voice.

Tiningnan ko siya. I saw pure delight in his eyes. Tumango ulit ako para kumpirmahin ang sa wakas ay pagpayag ko.

"Okay, sige. Lumabas tayo." He happily smiled. Unti-unting nawala ang ngiti niya nang bumaba ang tingin niya sa mga paa ko.

"Do you want to wear your shoes?"

Mariin akong umiling. He knew how much I hated wearing something for my feet.

"But baby, you might hurt your feet."

I pressed my lips together and shook my head again.

He looked problematic. I looked at him in panic. Natatakot ako na baka pilitin niya. He saw my reaction. Mabilis na nagbago ang ekspresyon sa mukha niya. Napalitan ito ng pag-intindi.

"It's fine then. Iwas na lang tayo sa mabatong daan. Do you want that?"

I quickly nodded in agreement. Lumapit kaagad ako sa kanya bago pa magbago ang isip niya at pilitin ako.

Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. His body suddenly grew stiff. Inangat ko ang tingin sa mukha niya. I saw how his eyes turned soft while staring at me.

"Thank you," bulong niya.

I giggled. I did not understand why he thanked me when all I did was simply held his hand. I stared at our hands clasped together. My palm looked so fragile compared to his rough one.

Naglakad na kami papunta sa pintuan. Nakasalubong namin ang nurse ko. She looked shock to see us.

"Lalabas muna kami ng asawa ko," Alec informed her politely.

Awtomatikong bumaba ang tingin ng nurse sa mga paa ko. She gave me a disapproving look. Bahagya akong umusog palapit kay Alec para sana magtago at humanap ng kakampi.

"I'll take care of her." Inunahan na siya ni Alec.

Walang ibang nagawa ang nurse kundi ang itikom ang bibig at tumango na lang.

I felt a surge of pride and giddy. Ngumiti ako at nagpatuloy na kami sa paglalakad hanggang sa tuluyan na kaming makalabas ng kuwarto. Kuryoso kaming tinitingnan ng mga staff na nadadaan namin sa hallway. Alec looked satisfied as he held my hand.

The artificial lights were gone when we finally stepped foot outside. Namangha ako sa nakikita ko. Ito pa lang ang kauna-unahang beses na lumabas ako. There were tall trees. The branches would sway as the wind passed by them.

Some of the leaves have gone dead too. Unti-unting nahuhulog ang mga ito sa tuwing nahihipan ng hangin. It was a sight to behold.

Nauna ako kay Alec sa paghakbang. My bare feet hit the green grasses. The orange sun is trying to take a peek from behind one of the tall trees. I craned my neck for the beautiful sight.

"There's our sunset, Jia," murmurred Alec beside me.

Its beauty in the naked eyes was nothing compared to all the sunsets I've painted inside the room. Ni walang kapares ang gandang ipinapakita nito kumpara sa lahat ng pictures na natanggap ko.

Dahan-dahan kong tinahak ang damuhan para malapitan ang unti-unting papalubog ng araw. I heard Alec called out to me but I did not listen. I felt like if I did, the sunset would be over.

Nakatingala lang ako rito at hindi na ininda pa ang natatapakan ng mga paa. Not even when I felt the sharp objects hit the soles of my feet.

I felt a hand held my arm making me halt. Lumingon ako at nakita si Alec. May pag-aalala sa mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa bandang paa ko. I looked down and saw that I was already stepping on piles of rocks.

Bumalik ang tingin ko sa papalubog na araw. Nag-panic ako kasi pakiramdam ko gusto na nitong magpaalam.

Hinaklit ko ang braso para tanggalin ang kamay ni Alec na nakahawak rito. I pointed at the sunset just to prove a point.

Mabilis niyang tinanggal ang suot na sapatos. My lips parted as I looked at him in awe.

"You can wear my shoes, okay?" sabi niya.

Naningkit ang mga mata ko habang pinagmamasdan siya sa ginagawa. Something in me moved as I watched him knelt in front of me, offering me his own shoes. My toes curled in anticipation.

He looked pained as he stared at the blisters on my feet. Hindi ko man maipaliwanag, gusto ko siyang paluguran sa pagiging mabuti niya sa akin. Dahan-dahan kong inangat ang isang paa at sinuot na ang sapatos niya. Isinunod ko ang pangalawang paa.

His shoes obviously were too big for my feet. But in that moment, it felt like everything fit. Despite the differences, despite the distance.

Si Alec na rin ang nag-ayos ng sintas para sa akin. Nang matapos siya sa ginagawa ay unti-unti na siyang tumayo. He smiled at me and offered a hand.

"Let's go and chase your sunset," saad niya.

I took his hand willingly. I glanced at his bare feet before looking away. We then started to walk towards the sunset.

Huminto rin kami nang naging kontento na ako sa distansiya. I slowly raised my hand as if I was touching it. As if it was not unreachable.

The sunset was glowing. It was golden while giving off soft light. It hovered just above the horizon. Tila ba umaarko. It casted long, slender shadows across the mountains. Or maybe the shadows wanted to devour them?

My fingers tingled. Gusto kong magpinta nito. I've never seen something so beautiful in my life. Glorious would be the perfect word to describe it.

I wanted to see Alec's reaction. I wanted to find out if he was also witnessing the beauty of it. It would be very unfair kung ako lang. Pansamantala kong tinanggal ang tingin dito at sinulyapan siya. I was wrong.

He was not paying attention to any of it. Sa akin siya nakatitig. He was looking at me the way I would imagine myself looking at the sunset. He was looking at me in awe with his lips parted.

I wanted to say something. I wanted to finally tell him everything. I wanted him to finally hear my voice again, but nothing came out. I was trapped in my own self.

As the sky suddenly darkened, fear wanted to cover me. Hindi ito dahil sa takot ko sa dilim. Dahil ito sa takot na bumalot para sa sarili. The dark clouds covered my beautiful sunset.

Unti-unting naramdaman ng balat ko ang marahang pagpatak ng ulan. Alec's lips were moving like he was saying something. Hindi ko siya marinig dahil sa paglakas ng buhos ng ulan.

Two nurses went to us. They offered us an umbrella. Nagpaubaya ako nang hawakan ng isang nurse ang kamay ko. She was urging me to walk.

We walked back and went inside the facility. Hindi naman ako masyadong nabasa dahil naagapan naman kahit papaano ng payong. I felt cold though.

Napahinto ako sa paglalakad nang nasa bukana na kami ng pintuan ng kuwarto ko. I felt the goosebumps all over. Something warmed my legs. Uminit ang pisngi ko nang mapagtanto kung ano ang nangyayari.

Napansin kaagad iyon ng dalawang nurses dahil na rin sa suot kong hanggang tuhod lang na kulay gray na dress.

I was embarrassed remembering the previous conversation I overheard from them.

"Naku... naihi si ma'am," she said stating the obvious which only made it more embarassing than it already was. "Kami na ang bahala kay ma'am, sir."

Mabilis akong umiling sabay tingin kay Alec. Nakababa na rin ang tingin niya sa bandang binti ko. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at mariin itong pinisil. I wanted to tell him that  I didn't like what the nurse had suggested.

"Ako na ang bahala," sabi niya sa dalawang nurses.

The two of them stared at him openmouthedly. Isa sa kanila ang unang nakabawi.

"Pero kailangan din paliguan si ma'am at baka magkasakit."

Instead of listening to them, Alec looked at me.

"Ayos lang  ba sa'yo kung ako na ang gumawa no'n? Or do you want to go with the nurses?"

Umiling ulit ako at mas inilapit ang sarili sa kanya.

Alec sighed and turned to the nurses. "Ako na ang bahala sa kanya."

"P-Pero, sir—"

"She's my wife," Alec reminded them. "I want to take care of her."

"Oo nga po, pero wala po siya sa tamang pag-iisip..."

Mabilis siyang hinaklit sa braso ng kasamahang nurse para pigilan. She gasped and covered her mouth when she realized what she had said.

Kitang-kita ko ang galit na sumiklab sa mga mata ni Alec habang mariing tinititigan ang kabadong nurse. Alec gritted his teeth and press his lips together. Halatang nagtitimpi para hindi magpakawala ng galit. Ibang-iba sa paraan kung papaano niya ako pagmasdan.

"You should leave us," he coldly told her.

Marahas siyang hinila ng kasama niya papalayo. Alec and I looked at them as they retreated.

"Are you ready to go inside?" He turned to me.

I nodded while still staring at the retreating backs of the nurses. I felt him took my hand. Tiningnan ko na siya. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but then decided not to.

Ipinilig ko ang ulo. Nauna na akong humakbang papasok ng kuwarto.

The bathroom was located at the farthest corner of the room. When we finally reached it, Alec turned the knob and opened the door for me. Since it was familiar to me, ako na ang pumindot ng switch ng ilaw.

I let go of Alec's hand. Humakbang ako palapit sa maliit na bathtub at dahan-dahang pumasok rito. The tub was dry. I sat on the edge part of it and I hugged my knees. Pinagmasdan ko ang malaking sapatos na suot.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Alec dahil sa pagiging tahimik niya. He gazed at me. He looked so out of place as he stood in his wet black shirt, long pants, and bare feet.

Iginala niya ang tingin. It seemed like he was trying to look for something. I reached over to get the showerhead on the side. Ito ang madalas na ginagamit ng nurses sa tuwing pinapaliguan nila ako.

Tahimik kong iniabot sa kanya ang mahabang showerhead. He sat on the opposite edge of the tub and accepted it.

I started unbuttoning my dress. My hands trembled as I did the first two buttons.

"You don't have to take your clothes off in front of me, Jia."

I stopped. Naningkit ang mga mata ko habang tinitingnan siya.

His gaze remained in my eyes. There was no lust in his eyes but pure and passioned affection.

"You can shower with your clothes on."

I adamantly shook my head. Magagalit ang nurses kapag ginawa ko 'yon! They would take my paintbrushes away!

I was rattling as I resumed unbuttoning my dress. Because of fear I could not even do it properly. Marahas kong hinila ang butones ng damit.

Alec probably noticed how agitated I was. Naramdaman ko ang paglapit niya sa akin. Hinawakan niya ang kamay kong nagkakalas ng butones.

I stopped. Inangat ko ang tingin sa kanya. His eyes were gentle. It touched my soul. I let him as he slowly unbuttoned it for me.

My dress became loose on the chest area when he was finally done with its buttons. The next thing would be to pull up my dress to be able to take it off of me.

Hinawakan ni Alec ang laylayan ng dress ko. Unti-unti niya itong inangat. I raised my arms so that he could pull it out of me.

Nagtagumpay siya sa ginawa. My dress was completely off of me. I was finally only in my wet white underwear.

My thin bones were not protruding. Nakatulong nang malaki ang pag-aalaga ng facility sa akin. They nursed me to health again.

Alec did not move for a while. His eyes were glued to a certain part of my exposed skin. He was looking at the long line of scars on my hip. These were the scars which were part of the nightmares that hunt me every night.

His breathing quickened. I tried to cover it with my hands. Hindi naman ako nahihiya kapag nakikita itong ng mga nurses. But with him, it was different. I was suddenly ashamed that he'd seen the ugliest part of me.

Marahan niyang hinawi ang mga kamay ko. It was like he wanted to see my scars for the first time.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. I stared at the wall. Hinayaan ko siya sa gusto niyang gawin. It was as if he was trying to memorize the details of it. Sobrang tagal ng ginawa niyang paninitig dito.

Hindi siya nakontento na tingnan lang. He slowly touched it. He traced the ugly lines with his thumb. He inhaled sharply as he did. Wala lang lahat sa akin iyon. For me, the painful story behind the scars seemed so faraway.

I felt his body slowly shook. Naramdaman ko ang pagpatak ng butil ng tila ba isang tubig sa balat ko.

I heard him moan like a wounded animal. And I felt something hit my skin again. I looked down at the skin near my scars and saw droplets of what seemed to be his tears.

He was crying silently. He was mourning at something which could be too painful for me to comprehend. Yes, I have lost my mind but I didn't lose my feelings. It didn't mean that I could not feel his pain. And at that moment, I just knew that he was in so much pain.

I wished I could console him, but I was too broken. Pa'no namin maaalu ang isa't-isa kung pareho kaming nagdurusa?