Chapter 29

Crazy

The walls are my canvas. I remembered when I first arrived in this room, the walls were white and now I added some colors to it. I made them alive. A dead person made them all alive.

The stroke of my brush stopped mid-air.  I stared at the sunset I was trying to make. Just like all the sunsets I've made since I came in this place, there was something wrong with it. It lacked something.

My eyes narrowed as I tried to figure it out. And of course, I couldn't! I giggled because it doesn't make any sense. I laughed when things don't make any sense.

I decided to draw the huge trunk of a tree instead. It ws easier that way than spent my time wondering about the sun. I left it out for a while.

I was halfway through when I heard a soft knock coming from the door. I ignored it and proceeded with what I was doing. Whoever it was, he or she would enter the room eventually. It usually happens.

Bumukas ang pinto at kasunod nito ay ang tunog ng footsteps ng kung sinuman ang pumasok. I felt the ray of the sunlight hit my face as the person who entered opened the white curtains.

"It's time for your medicine, Jia," magiliw na bungad ng isang pamilyar na boses.

I ignored the nurse. Naiirita ako sa kanya dahil masyado siyang madaldal. Laging nagtatanong sa akin ng mga bagay bagay. Mabuti pa iyong isang nurse!

I heard a sound of a chair being dragged. I scooted my chair closer to the wall.

"May kasama 'tong isa na namang photo ng magandang sunset!" dugtong niya.

I let go of my brush reason why it fell on the floor. Mabilis akong tumayo at iniwan na ang pader. I went over to her.

Binuksan ko ang bibig gaya ng madalas kong ginagawa sa tuwing may gamot. The nurse stood and put three tablets in my mouth. She gave me a bottle of water and I quickly drank from it.

She checked my mouth making sure that I swallowed the tablets diligently. My eyes were glued to the tray on the chair. I was staring at the photo.

"Very good!" She gently patted my chin.

Kinuha niya ang photo na kanina ko pang tinititigan at inabot sa akin.

I accepted it right away and stared at it eagerly. This time, the picture of the sunset was much warmer in color. I liked it better than the last time. I smiled.

"Hindi mo ba babasahin ang nakasulat sa likod?" asked the nurse.

I shook my head.

I heard her sigh. "Maganda 'yong nakasulat sa likod gaya kahapon. Masisiyahan 'yong nagbigay sa'yo niyan kapag nalaman niyang binasa mo."

I giggled because of what she said. It didn't make any sense. I left her and went back to my canvas. Tinititigan ko nang maigi ang kulay ng sunset. I wanted to copy it as identical as possible. When I finally felt satisfied, I kept the photo inside my box together with the rest of the others.

Kumuha ako ng panibagong brush at ipinagpatuloy na ang pagpipinta sa naiwang sunset kanina. I added some color to make it warmer like the sunset in the photo.

"Enjoy your painting. Babalik ako rito para maghatid ng lunch mo!" paalam ng nurse sa wakas.

Buong umaga akong nagpinta. Malapit ko nang matapos ang buong pader. I don't really remember when I started doing it. It was like remembering as well as to when I first came here.

All I knew was that there was something wrong with me. I have heard some whispers from the other visitors calling the place a mental institution. It's for the crazy people. I must be crazy too to be here.

Strangers would visit me. They acted as if they knew me when I don't even know their names.

Bumalik nga ulit ang nurse para sa lunch ko. I ate dliligently kasi kapag hindi ko ginawa babawiin nila ang brush at paint ko.

I heard the door opening once again. And then footsteps followed.

"Hindi ka pa rin natanggal diyan sa kahaharap mo sa pader," came the nurse's voice. "I brought you your lunch and look who's here again!"

I sighed. I really hated visitors. Naiistorbo nila ang pagpipinta ko. My stroke on the brush became forceful as I tried to finish painting the slopes of the mountains.

"That's enough for now," ulit ng nurse nang nakalapit na sa akin. Hinawakan niya ang braso ko para matigil na ako. Napilitan akong tumayo.

I saw him again. The same familiar man who comes everyday. Kung bumisita siya ay walang mintis. He smiled at me but his eyes looked really sad. I giggled because it didn't make any sense! How could someone smile and look sad at the same time?

Iginiya ako ng nurse sa mesa kung saan nakalapag na ang tray ng pagkain. I was walking barefoot. Mas gusto ko ang walang sapin sa paa dahil hinahanap ng paa ko ang lamig ng sahig.

May dalawang upuan na magkaharap sa mesa. I took a seat and the man sat on the other one.

Tinitigan ko ang pagkain. I smiled. Hindi na ulit lugaw ang nakikita ko. There's rice, some soup, meat, and veggies na. There's also a banana!

"You can leave us," sabi ng lalaki sa mahinahong boses.

"Uh... sige po, sir," it was the nurse who answered.

Mula sa pagkain ay nag-angat ako ng tingin. Nakita ko ang hitsura ng lalaki. He was looking at me intently.

"Are you hungry? Do you want to start eating now?" aniya sa banayad na boses.

I nodded eagerly. He gave me his sad smile again.

Pinulot na niya ang kutsara at nagsimula na siya sa paglalagay ng kanin dito. He put a little bit of meat on top of it.

I opened my mouth and he slowly put it in. Marahan kong nginuya ang pagkain. Sumunod ay sabaw naman ang kinuha niya. The soup tasted bland but it was fine.

This has become our routine. I couldn't remember when I started allowing him to do this. I just felt comfortable with it.

It wasn't easy at first. As I said, I didn't know him but he was friendly to me. He never forced me and just let me be. At unti-unti, sa haba ng pasensiya niya, naging komportable na ako.

"Can I help you paint?" he asked.

Mabilisan akong umiling. He chuckled.

"Okay then."

Nagpatuloy siya sa pagsubo sa akin ng pagkain. I slowly chew the food. We were both quiet.

"The sunset will be beautiful this afternoon. Do you wanna go out and watch it with me later?"

I shook my head. I took one monggo bean and flick it with my fingers.

"Maybe next time, huh? What do you think?"

I took another monggo bean and flicked it towards his direction. I was having fun with it so I continued doing it. Tumawa ako at ipinagpatuloy ang ginagawa hanggang sa maubos na ang monggo. Nagkalat ang mga ito sa sahig.

"That's enough, Jia," marahang utos niya.

I ignored him and started taking the banana. Binalatan ko ito. I squeezed the fruit with my hands. I stared at it. It was so yellow and sticky. I pressed my palms together. It made a smacking sound.

Tinitigan ko ulit ang mga palad na puno ng durog ng saging. I wondered how it would look on a white sheet. I looked down on my white sweater. Ipinalandas ko ang mga kamay dito.

I looked up to watch for his reaction. The nurses get angry when I do it. I wonder if he would get angry as well. I got curious on how his face would look. The nurses would giggle everytime he's around. They said he's handsome.

Pumapangit kaya siya kapag galit?

I was only disappointed to see him just looking at me with indulgence. The nurses were right. This man wanted to spoil me with everything! He's just like everyone else who treats me like a child. He thinks I'm crazy as well!

My anger boils.

Kinuha ko ang natitirang kanin at inihagis sa mesa. Tumalsik ang iba sa suot na polo shirt niya. Pinagmasdan ko ulit ang hitsura niya. He was just staring at me without any hint of annoyance or anger on his face.

I screamed out of frustration. The voices were starting to whisper in my ears again. They were telling me that this man's evil. Ibinubulong nila sa akin na hindi ko naman talaga kaibigan ang lalaking ito! Baliw ang tingin nilang lahat sa akin!

I threw the tray at him. It hit him on the face before it fell on the floor producing a clanking sound. Napapikit siya nang mariin. Marahan niyang sinapo ang mukha.

Biglang bumukas ang pinto. Nakita ko ang gulantang na mukha ng dalawang nurses.

"Naku! Ano ba naman 'yan!" sabi ng isa sa kanila sabay aligagang lapit sa amin ni Alec.

Ang isang nurse ang pumulot ng tray mula sa sahig at sa iba pang mga pagkain na nahulog na rin.

Dinaluhan ng naunang nurse si Alec at sinuri ang mukha nito. I saw a cut on the bridge of his nose. It was bleeding.

"Oh no! Dalhin ko po kayo sa clinic, sir," sugyot ng nurse.

"No, I'm fine. Just check on my wife, she might hurt herself. I want to check on her myself but I know she won't allow me everytime she's like this."

I pulled my hair out suddenly getting angrier. Lumipat sa akin sa pagdalo ang nurse. She touched my arms trying to calm me down.

"Magpipinta na lang tayo, okay? Gusto mo 'yon?" aniya sa malumanay na boses.

I inhaled and exhaled sharply. My head hurts all of a sudden. There was a ringing sound coming from somewhere. I tried to hit my head with my hand for the annoying sound to stop.

Pinigilan ako ng nurse. Mahigpit niyang hinawakan ang palapulsuhan ko para matigil ako sa ginagawa.

I flinched when I felt a sting on my wrist because of her sharp nails. Kabado siyang napasulyap sa gawi ni Alec. Her hold on my wrist loosened.

"H-Halika na," kalmadong untag niya.

Walang imik akong tumayo at nagpatianod na nang marahan niyang hilahin sa kung nasaan ang paint brushes ko.

Alec eventually left the room. Hindi na siya bumalik sa buong hapon na iyon. He knew what would happen if he tried to see me. I would scream and cry nonstop.

I continued painting like nothing happened. Madalas sumasakit na ang mga kamay at daliri ko sa ginagawa pero hindi pa rin ako tumitigil.

I colored the dead grasses. My thoughts suddenly flew to that man named Alec. The nurses said he's my husband. They always insinuated that I should show him kindness because he's been good to me. But he makes me confused with a lot of things.

Everytime he shows kindness I would suddenly snap. I remember the very first time I saw him. Those days were the hardest. I would threw things at him. He would always stay calm and patient.

Why do I hate him? It was weird because I didn't even know him. That's why people call me crazy. That's why I call myself crazy.

Nagulat ako sa reaksiyon ko kinabukasan nang bumalik siya. Para akong nabunutan ng tinik nang napagtantong hindi pa rin siya sumusuko maski na kahit anong gawin ko.

He brought someone else with him. Another familiar looking face but a stranger to me. The woman smiled at me. It was a bit confusing because she was teary eyed as she looked at me.

"Hi, Jia," she greeted me. "I'm Jean Caitlyn Mendez."

I stared at her curiously. May maamo naman siyang mukha. Naalala ko sabi ni mama na dapat kaibiganin ang isang taong may maamong hitsura. She's pretty too.

Hindi kaya siya ang totoong asawa ni Alec? Napagkamalan pa yata akong asawa ni Alec ng mga nurses!

I looked down at something she was holding. It was a square shaped being covered with a paper. I had a good feeling of what it was.

Napansin niya siguro ang paninitig ko rito. Inangat niya ito nang bahagya para ipakita sa akin.

"I brought you a new canvas," sabi niya. Mabilisan niyang iginala ang tingin sa buong kuwarto ko. Partikular niyang sinuyod ng tingin ang mga pinta ko sa pader.

Ipinilig ko ang ulo. Nagdadalawang isip ako kung tatanggapin ko ba ito o hindi.

"Give it to me," si Alec ang nagsalita. "I will unwrap it for her."

Bumaling sa kanya ang babae at ngumiti. Inabot niya ang bagay na hawak sa naghihintay na palad ni Alec.

I stepped closer. Pinagmasdan ko ang pagtatanggal ni Alec sa papel na nakatakip sa canvas.

"May binili rin akong bagong painting set," pagpapatuloy ng totoong asawa ni Alec. "Pinapakuha ko lang sa sasakayan kasi medyo mabigat."

"It's done. Here," si Alec. Iniabot niya ito sa akin at tinanggap ko naman.

Pinalandas ko ang mga daliri sa canvas. I liked its texture. It's not too smooth. Ngumiti ako sa tuwa.

Iniwan ko si Alec at ang asawa niya. I went to my painting area. Excited kong inilagay ang canvas sa easel wooden stand. I would paint. If I ignore them, I knew they would eventually go away.

"How do you do it, Alec?" Dinig kong pagsasalita ng babae niya. Sa mahinang boses iyon pero dahil sobrang sarado ng kuwarto, naririnig ko pa rin. Main reason why I hated visitors in my room. They disturb my peace.

"How do you come here everyday and see her like this? Saan ka kumukuha ng lakas?"

"She's my strength, Angel. Reason why I come here everyday."

Nagtagpo ang kilay ko hindi dahil sa pagko-concentrate sa ginagawa kundi dahil sa itinawag niya sa asawa.

Angel? I thought her name is Jean Caitlyn?

"Has she spoken to you?"

"No. Doctor Alfredo said that due to her traumatic experience, it'd be... it would be difficult for her to speak again."

"Nahuli na ba... si Lee?"

"No. He's still at large." I heard something else in Alec's voice. Anger perhaps?

"Dear God." She inhaled sharply. "What they did to her, they deserve to go to hell, Alec."

"Kaya ako napapayag na ipasok si Jia rito kasi alam kong mas ligtas din siya rito. Habang hindi pa nahuhuli ang kuya niya."

"Well at least nakakulong na ang... nang-rape sa kanya."

"I've wanted to kill him," pag-amin ni Alec sa mababang boses. "God knows how much I've been dreaming about killing that motherfucker."

"He's your half-brother."

I giggled as I paint. The conversation was confusing.

"At nasusuka ako 'pag naiisip ko 'yon. I don't think of him as one. I didn't even know that my mother remarried when she left me."

Narinig ko ang malalim na paghinga ni Jean Caitlyn.

"I never ask Lake about the case. But I just don't understand how Jia's brother contacted that criminal."

"Lee's been digging dirt on me. He wanted revenge. He found out about my mom's other son."

I colored the pond I made. I should add some fish in it.

"And it was just so convenient to fool Jia that it was you who did those things to her. Magkamukha kayo ng half-brother mo..."

The woman left later on. Bumalik naman si Alec. The nurse went back and next thing I know, we were inside the doctor's office.

I stared at the mini aquarium inside the office. There were two weird looking fish swimming on the clean water.

"Puwede mo silang lapitan," saad ng doktor na nakatingin sa akin.

Tumayo ako at iniwan na si Alec. Nilapitan ko ang maliit na fish tank at maiging tinitigan ang dalawang isda.

The two men started talking with each other.

"How is she?"

"She still sleeps on the floor, Alec. You know what that means."

"I can stay with her at night—"

"I know that you have given so much to this institution ever since your wife was referred here by her doctors a month ago," mahinahong pahayag ng doktor. "And with that, our institution is grateful. But we have to keep our rules and integrity intact. The institution cannot allow that."

One of the fish stared back at me. I glanced back at the two men to show them what the fish did. They were not looking my way. Instead, I saw Alec closed his eyes in frustration.

"Because her mind could not handle the trauma that she had experience, it had closen up."

"Is there something else that we can do?"

Sabay silang napatingin sa akin dahil sa paglalakad ko pabalik sa upuan na iniwan kanina. Naupo ako sa tabi ni Alec. I resumed staring at the fish tank.

"We have done everything, Alec. I hope that you know that. Now it is up to her."

"I feel so helpless not being able to do something for her."

"Alec..." The doctor sighed. "You are doing everything for your wife. Kung alam niya lang ang bawat sakripisyo mo."

"Kasalanan ko naman ang lahat kung bakit siya nagkaganito."

"I see. Hanggang ngayon ay sinisisi mo pa rin ang sarili mo sa lahat ng nangyari."

The fish hit its head on the glass. It seemed like it wanted to get closer to me. I glanced at Alec to tell him about it. I saw him bowed his head in defeat.

"Do you want to know what Cecil, your great-grandmother had told me before she passed away?"

Alec finally looked at him. There was anguish in his eyes.

"She said that she hoped one day," dugtong ng doktor, "you'd finally stop blaming yourself for the things which are beyond your control."

A flash of regret washed over his face.

"She likes her, you know," si Alec sa malungkot na boses. "My great grandmother likes my wife. Siya lang sa pamilya ko ang umintindi noong mga panahon na ako 'yong inakusahan ni Jia. Siya lang ang hindi nagalit kay Jia."

"It's because she knows how much you love your wife, Alec." The doctor turned serious. "I will be honest with you and ask you questions to prepare you for what might happen in the future."

Alec's eyes narrowed. "What is it?"

My eyes narrowed as well, mimicking him.

"It may take years for your wife to recover from this, Alec. In the worst way possible, she might not be able to recover even. We have patients who don't. Have you prepared yourself for that? Where will you be in her life when that happens?"

I saw Alec gritted his jaw. He swallowed hard and turned to look at me.

"I will never leave her side."

"That's wonderful to hear." There was pure sincerity in the doctor's voice. He glanced at his phone as it suddenly rang. He excused himself to answer the call.

Naiwan kami ni Alec sa loob. I looked at the fish tank because for me it was the only interesting thing at the moment. I felt Alec's heavy gaze on me though. Kaya naman ay napatingin ako sa kanya.

I was dead inside but I still looked at him in return. He was looking at me like I was the only one he was seeing in the world.

"I miss you so much," he whispered breathily. He gently put his chin on top of my head. Sa sobrang lapit niya sa'kin ay dinig ko ang malakas na pintig ng puso niya.

"I want you to come back to me." It was like a prayer. "Baby, please come back to me."