Chapter 21

Freedom

The music was so loud I could not hear my own thoughts. The strobe lights in the club blinded me. I drowned the last bottle of alcohol and swayed my hips. Pumikit ako nang mariin. Gusto kong makalimot. I wanted to escape.

I felt a hand on my waist. Someone with a hard on was obscenely grinding against my ass. It brought me back to my senses.

Without thinking twice, I left the dance floor. It was hard for me to breathe. I felt like I was suffocating. Dere-deretso ang paglalakad ako. Not minding the bodies who tried to trap me, wanting my attention.

Lumabas ako sa ekslusibong club. I gasped fighting for the air. The night was cold but I was too dumb to feel it.

"Mrs. Cua."

Napalingon ako. Nakita ko ang driver na nakatayo sa malapit. A phone was on his hand.

"Nakauwi na raw po ng bahay si Sir."

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi at tumango. Sumunod ako sa kung nasaan nakaparada ang sasakyan. Tahimik akong pumasok sa loob nito.

Tulala ako habang nakatitig sa labas ng bintana. I stared at the quiet street we passed by. Hindi ko na namalayan kung anong oras na.

I knew that my husband would arrive tonight. He was abroad for a week for business. Napapadalas ang paglabas niya ng bansa para sa negosyo.

It was probably for the best. I didn't wannna see him. I didn't wanna breathe the same air he's breathing.

It's been months since we've.. . since we've lost the baby. Tanda ko pa ang sakit na para bang kahapon lang. The betrayal was still so fresh. He swore that he wouldn't cheat, but his cheating led to my miscarriage.

Sinubukan niyang magpaliwanag. He said he didn't want to kiss her. He said Sofia Uy came unto him. But every time I would close my eyes, I would see how he'd held her. And he already lost my trust.

Tumigil ang sasakyan. My driver went out and opened the door for me. Lumabas ako at tiningala ang gusali ng penthouse.

Would he be angry with me this me?

Would he lose his temper and finally snap?

Would he finally let go of me?

During the first month after my miscarriage, Alec was so patient with me. Hindi ko siya kinakausap. Lagi lang akong nakakulong sa kuwarto. I closed up. I was depressed. After not speaking to him, I got angry. Even with the small things, I would always find a way to get angry. I got so angry that I destroyed the nursery room.

Hinayaan nila akong lahat sa galit ko. Pati mga kasambahay ay hindi ako nagawang lapitan. Alec would only stand in the far corner with his jaw clenched and his eyes closed.

And in a snap, I would turn numb. I would not care at all. Walang nakakaintindi sa pinagdadaanan ko. They would only tell me that Alec and I could try again. Na puwede pa naman akong mabuntis dahil bata pa.

I laughed bitterly. Paano ako makikipag-sex sa lalaking niloloko naman ako? I could never get passed the scene I saw in his office. I could never forgive him.

Then one night I just found myself in a club. I discovered that alcohol mixed with dancing made me forget my pain temporarily.

Tinatagan ko ang sarili. Ibinalik ko ang pader na lagi kong pinapagitan sa aming dalawa. I went up.

I found him in our living area, sitting on the sofa. His expansive legs were stretched out. He was leaning on the backrest with his eyes closed. He looked deflated and exhausted.

His dark hair was longer and unkept. His long eyelashes fluttered. His hard mouth closed. Lumipat ang tingin ko sa coat niya na nakasampay sa armchair sa gilid. His tie was lose on his neck. The first two buttons of his white dress shirt were undone revealing his chest.

Dumilat siya, probably noticing my presence.

His eyes were dark and intense as he surveyed me from my disheveled long hair down to my heels. I was in my short black dress.

"You went to the club again," was his cold remark.

My entire system grew defensive."Nag-usap na tayo na walang pakialamanan."

"You're married to me," he reminded me bitterly.

"You know that we can change that. I offered you an annulment before–"

"No," mabilisang pag-angal niya. Napasentido siya. His thighs were now apart. "You should go to bed."

Galit ko siyang tinalikuran at naglakad na papasok ng kuwarto. Padabog kong isinara ang pinto.

Naupo ako sa dulo ng kama. I hugged myself because I felt miserable. Ilang beses na akong nag-offer sa kanya ng annulment. He would always refuse and get angry.

Alam ko ang usap-usapan dahil sa madalas kong pagpunta sa club. People had branded me as Alec Von Cua's unhinged wife. Some people even said that I was insatiable. Babaeng pakawala.

Hindi na ako nagtaka dahil iyon naman talaga ang gusto kong ipinta nila sa'kin!

I wanted Alec to care but he didn't. He ignored my antics. I wanted him to be so bothered that he would be done with me. Sometimes, I would think that he even indulged me. Hinahayaan niya lang ako sa kung anuman ang gusto ko kahit mabahiran ng kahihiyan ang pangalan niya. Nagtataka nga ako kung bakit hindi pa ako pinapatawag ng pamilya niya.

Maybe he was protecting me? Maybe he did not want them to interfere?

And how I hated him more for it. I hated him so much for still keeping me.

It was seldom that we had a meal together. Kaya naman kinaumagahan pagkababa ko para sa breakfast ay nagulat ako dahil nasa hapag na siya.

He's wearing a navy suit for work. From the looks of it, mukhang tapos na siyang kumain.

Sinundan niya ako ng tingin habang naglalakad na ako palapit sa hapag. Hayan na naman siya sa titig niyang masidhi. It made me feel self-conscious. I was only wearing a silk spaghetti blouse paired with a short shorts. But under his gaze, I felt naked. I shivered.

Naupo na ako sa tapat niya. Kaagad akong dinaluhan ng serbidora.

"It's okay," agarang tanggi ko nang sasalinan sana nito ng juice ang baso ko. Kaagad itong umatras at nanatili sa gilid katabi ng isa pang kasambahay.Sa likod naman ni Alec ay may dalawang kasambahay din na nakaantabay.

"I thought you're gonna sleep in," si Alec sabay kuha sa kanyang baso ng tubig. Sumimsim muna siya rito bago inilapag pabalik sa mesa. "You went home pretty late last night."

"It's already 8 in the morning. It's late for me.Akala ko nga nasa office ka na." I slowly started eating.

Hindi siya nagbigay ng komento at tahimik lang akong pinagmasdan. He was absentmindedly playing with the Rolex on his wrist.

"Your birthday is coming up. What are your plans for it?" he asked casually.

"Hindi ko pa napag-isipan." I pretended to focus on eating. I didn't want us to have a conversation. He could not take the hint.

"Hmm. I'm thinking about a trip abroad.Tayong dalawa."

Napahigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa kutsara.

"Hindi ba abala ka naman." I tried not to sound bitter.

"Not for you. No."

I chewed a bit and looked at him. He took it as an encouragement and leaned forward.

"Anong bansa ang gusto mong puntahan?"

"I don't wanna go anywhere."

His eyes almost turned sharp."What do you want for your birthday then?"

Now he got my full attention. Malamig ko siyang tiningnan.

"I want an annulment."

Dinig ko ang pagsinghap ng mga kasambahay sa gilid namin.

Umigting ang panga ni Alec. His mouth turned in a hard line.

"You already know my answer to that."

"You asked what I want for my birthday. Iyan ang sagot ko."

"Thread carefully," babala niya. "My patience is wearing thin."

Umingay ang hapag dahil sa pabagsak na pagbitaw ko sa hawak na kubiyertos. I glanced at the househelps and saw fear in their eyes.

Mariin kong tiningnan si Alec. Nagbabadya na ang pagsabog ko.

"Bakit ba ayaw mo? If you agree to the annulment I'm offering then we will both be at peace. Pareho tayong miserable sa marriage na'to kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ayaw mong pumayag!"

"Because I love you!" he almost screamed.His shoulders shook in anger. Nag-aapoy na sa galit ang mga mata niya."I love you that's why I'm holding on to this marriage."

"That's bullshit!" I softly said. "You cheated on me. We... We lost our baby because you... cheated on me."

Mariin siyang napapikit. When he finally opened his eyes I saw sadness and longing in them.

"Siguro ayaw mo lang pumayag kasi ayaw mong masira ang pangalan mo," pagpapatuloy ko sa marahang boses. "You are on the top and unbeatable in the field of business. Perhaps you don't want people to see that our marriage failed. You don't want people to know that you are not always in control!"

"Hindi ko na dedepensahan ang sarili ko. Hindi mo rin naman ako paniniwalaan."

"Yes! Because you're a liar!" galit na sigaw ko. I was done with his bullshits.

I saw him flinched.

"You're probably fucking other women behind my back. Or maybe it's still Sofia Uy. Baka loyal ka sa kanya hanggang ngayon. Well, news flash, I don't care. You can fuck her all you want..." I saw him reached for his glass and he finally snapped.

Loud gasps from me and the househelps filled the room when Alec harshly hit the table with the glass he was holding.

The force was so strong that the glass broke on his hand.

Umawang ang lami ko at mabilis na nagpanic ang mga kasambahay dahil sa dami ng dugo na dumaloy sa kamay ni Alec.

He looked at me angrily. His anger was so hot and potent that I felt my throat burned.

One of the maids fearfully went near him to offer a napkin. Nagsipatakan na sa mesa ang dugo mula sa palad niya.

Inignora niya ang kasambahay at tahimik na tumayo. He quietly left the dining area.

My unfinished food went cold but I remained on my seat.The pieces of the broken glass with Alec's blood on them were gone on the table. Nilinis na ng mga kasambahay.

His anger had shaken my core. Saka pa lang ako nagkaroon ng lakas na tumayo nang marinig ang malakas na tunog ng pinaharurot na sasakyan.

Nagkulong ako sa kuwarto. Naisip ko si Alec. He went out. Pupunta na ba siya sa opisina? Paano ang sugat niya? There was so much blood on his hand that I was sure the cuts were deep.

My thoughts suddenly stopped. Bakit ba ako nag-aalala sa kanya gayong ako naman 'yong dahilan ng galit niya?

I groaned frustratingly. My cellphone suddenly rang for a call. Tumayo ako at pinulot ito mula sa ibabaw ng kama.

It was my brother.

Tinanggap ko ang tawag at inilagay sa bandang tainga ang cellphone.

"Kuya."

"Pinapapunta ka ni Papa sa mansiyon."

"I'm not really feeling well," sagot ko sa pagod na boses. "Puwede bang sabihin mo sa kanya na saka na kami mag-usap–"

"You go there and you tell him that." He cut the call.

I massaged the bridge of my nose. Yes, in the end I did not turn my back on them, but now it made me question my decision.

Nagbihis ako ng simpleng damit. Just a high waisted jeans and a white bodycon shirt. I took the keys to my car. Napagdesisyonan ko na ako na mismo ang magmamaneho ng sasakyan. Driving made me feel like I was in control of my own life.

Nakababa na ako nang napansin ang nagkukumpulang mga kasambahay. They stood behind the large Kentia palm. They were so engrossed in their chismisan that they did not even notice me.

"Grabe. Nakakatakot kung magalit si sir!"

"Oo nga! Parang... mananakit."

"Nagamot na kaya 'yong sugat niya?"

"Ewan. Si ma'am din kasi. Bakit niya naman sinabi 'yon..."

Napaangat ng tingin ang isa sa kanila. Her eyes widened when she saw me behind them listening. Pailalim niyang tinampal ang braso ng mga katabi niya.

Sabay-sabay silang napatuwid at napaharap sa'kin. They all looked guilty. Ni hindi nila ako magawang tingnan sa mata.

"You should all go back to work," malamig na utos ko at nagpatuloy na sa paglalakad para makaalis.

Mabilis ang ginawa kong pagpapatakbo ng sasakyan kaya mabilis din akong nakarating ng mansiyon.

The mansion was quiet when I arrived. When I left to live with Alec I thought I would miss it, hindi pala. It was not a home for me.

The help informed me that my father was in the study. Umakyat agad ako para matapos na kung ano man ang kailangan niya. Ayaw kong manatili pa nang magtagal sa mansiyon.

I silently knocked on the door. Pinihit ko ang door knob at binuksan na ang pinto.

Nakaupo si papa sa harap ng mesa niya. They were papers in front of him. The operation made his body weak.It lessened my fear of him. His condition forced him to an early retirement.

"You wanted to see me," patiuna ko.

"Take a seat."

I shook my head and remained standing. "Kung mabilis lang na pag-uusap 'to hindi na rin ako magtatagal."

Kung may disapproval man sa hitsura niya, hindi niya na 'to isinatinig pa.

"You are frequently seen in clubs," panimula niya. "Is your husband aware of it?"

"He knows. He doesn't care what I do."

"The Cuas have called. Kahihiyan ang ginagawa mo." His tone was laced with displeasure.

Halos matawa ako. "Marami ng kahihiyan sa kanila ang dinulot ng pamilya natin."

"We are trying to make amends with them!" he snapped. "It was good that your husband had returned the shares and gave your brother full control of our company. Kung hindi niya ginawa iyon tuluyang lulubog ang kompanya. And now your brother is the chairman replacing me."

"My husband did that because he was guilty," I said sarcastically. "He cheated on me."

"Para 'yon lang!" he wave his hand as if it was no big deal.

Bakit pa ba ako nagtataka? Pareho lang naman sila.

"Nakunan ako dahil do'n, Papa!"

"Then you can try again. Do your job as a wife. Give him an heir!"

I winced. "I'm done here." Tatalikuran ko na sana siya nang muli siyang nagsalita.

"We still need your husband, Jia. Do you really think that your fool of a brother can lead? He will mess up sooner or later. And Alec will fix it."

"When will I be free from all of you?" tanong ko sa mahinang boses

Lito akong tiningnan ni Papa. Umiling na lang ako at iniwan na siya.

I drove home. Ni ayaw kong umuwi sa penthouse. I didn't know where home was anymore. I continued driving without a destination in mind.

Nilagpasan ko ang matatayog na mga gusali.

It was all about power. Money. Influence. Power changes people like my family. It changed Alec o talagang noon pa lang ay ganoon na siya. Akala ko lubusan ko na siyang kilala. I was wrong.

I imagined mysellf living simply. Paano kaya kung ipinanganak ako sa isang simpleng pamilya? For sure I would be happy. I would live simply but I would be happy.

It was already dark when I finally went home. My stomach was empty when I went to bed. I did not feel like eating. Late na nang tuluyan akong hilahin ng antok.

I woke up in the middle of the night because of a noise coming from the knob on my door. Someone was trying to open it.

Nabuksan ito at inatake ako kaagad ng matapang na amoy ng alak at ng mamahaling perfume. It was Alec being drunk again.

It's been months that we slept in separate rooms. Noong nakunan ako ay hindi ko maatim na makatabi si Alec sa iisang kama. Reason why he slept in the guest room ever since.

But tonight was different. He was clearly drunk because he was bold enough to enter the room.

Tumagilid ako. The room was completely dark so it took a while for Alec to land on the bed.

Umuga ang kama sa gilid na bahagi ko nang tuluyan na siyang bumagsak dito.

There was no movement for a while. I heard the loud beating of my own heart.

And then I suddenly felt his arm around me in the dark. Ramdam ko ang marahang paghaplos ng malapad na palad niya sa braso ko. It was probably his other hand because I did not feel the cuts on it. Lumipad naman ang isipan ko sa kabilang kamay niya.

Did he put a bandage on it?

I felt him scoot closer to me. He nuzzled my neck like how he used to when we were still okay. It was different now. I felt trapped instead of being embraced.

Bumaba ang mga kamay niya sa bandang tiyan ko. My entire body froze. My mind screamed to get away but my body wouldn't follow. I prayed that he would just stop.

I heard him groan. I felt him on my ass. Hard. He was turned on. It disgusted me.

Ang mapangahas na kamay niya ay mas bumaba pa. It went under the silk night dress I was wearing. In the end, he finally reached what he was aiming for. He held me.

His breathing was hot against my neck.

He groaned as his palm moved to touch me down there. A tear escaped my eye.

Do your job as a wife. Give him an heir! I heard my father say.

I bit my lip so hard to stifle my cries.

His finger moved against the cotton of the panties I was wearing. I stiffened. Naramdaman niya ang paninigas ng buong katawan ko dahil napahinto siya. He froze as well. Time stopped.

"Fuck!" he cursed. His hand on me was gone in an instant. Mabilis siyang lumayo sa'kin.

I heard his labored breathing. "Goddamnit!" paulit-ulit na pagmumura niya.

The bed moved as he left. Something banged on the wall like someone had punch on it. And then I heard the door closed.

Alec would never be my freedom. He would never keep me safe. He was not my protector. Alec was dangerous.

Bumangon ako at hindi na hinintay pa ang pagsikat ng araw. Sa nanginginig na mga kamay ay mabilis akong nagsimulang mag-impake.

I didn't know where to go. But I knew what to do. I had to escape. I would start over with my life.

They would never give me my freedom. I would seek it on my own. And I would never look back.