All subjects are cordially commanded to attend the Royal Gala Ball to celebrate the royal reconciliation; and to pay homage to the royal couple on the impending birth of their twins.

The ball is to be held on Saturday the 18th March 2017 in the royal gardens; (You didn't think we'd let you in the house did you?)

No expense has been spent, I mean spared, on food, drink, and entertainment.

Food has been prepared by the world famous chef, Gustav Stomakbug, affectionately known as Gus Salmonella.

Music will be provided by Fiddlers Elbow.

We have arranged this extravaganza on a Saturday so you don't have to take a day of unpaid leave.

Nevertheless this will be highly expensive; I am sure you will all be happy for us to raise a couple of taxes to assist with the expense.

Firstly, and with immediate effect, there will be a tax of 15% of annual income on relatives. Those of you who have no relatives should report to the Queen's Komodo Dragon enclosure; or, the King's ferocious dog kennels. Should you get eaten, no one is going to care.

Secondly, also with immediate effect, there will be a tax of 15% of annual income on knees. Knees are essential in your worthy efforts  at royal worship; so we are sure you will see the sense in this. If any of you have no knees, report to the flop house.

Festivities will commence at seven thirty pm, carriages at eleven; as most of you will not have carriages, that is the time to start walking home. This will give the King and Queen the time for some nightly frolics before the Royal yacht departs on the morning tide.

We are not bothering with the usual R.S.V.P as none of you will know what it means; and anyway it is not an invitation, it is a command.

Dress code: We are fairly relaxed in this area, just come dressed, if you can.

The King and Queen hope you will all have a very merry time. (Just bloody behave yourselves, or else!)

Owain Glyn