Brandon shakes me awake when we arrive back at Derek's house. I gently wake Derek up and we both look like zombies as we slowly walk into his house half asleep. I feel gross from the lake water and exhausted from the sun and the alcohol. My hair is in that weird state where it's half wet, half dry, and clumsily thrown up into a messy bun on top of my head. I smell the remainder of lake water lingering in my damp swimsuit and I can't wait to get showered. I grab Derek's hand and quietly lead him down to his room trying to avoid his parents so they don't realize he's drunk.

Derek's room is on the bottom floor where he has total privacy. As soon as Brandon moved out, Derek claimed the massive space but I'm never allowed down here with him alone. His parents know full privacy with a teenage boy is only going to lead to bad news.

However, since his parents didn't see me sneak in, I managed to take Derek all the way to his bed. After he plops onto it, I flop next to him. His room is immaculate and organized which surprises no one who knows him. He has a large king-sized bed that sits in the center of his room and two French doors that open to the pool. The curtains are drawn so his room is covered in darkness and I'm already tempted to just pass out. I know I need to get off his plush-down comforter or his parents are going to find us passed out, with our skin exposed. I don't need the trouble so I start to pull myself off of his bed to grab him dry clothes, but he grabs my arm and pulls me in for a kiss. I want you.

Since Liam hasn't bothered calling in two days, I let him have me. It's been a long time since Derek has wanted to sit and make out but I assume it's the alcohol more than him making any logical decisions. His mouth tastes like stale beer and I can tell I've gotten sunburned by the way my skin stings when he touches it. I feel awkward in only a bikini and flip-flops since this is the least amount of clothing I have ever worn in front of him. A part of me wishes I would have put my cover-up back on, but it was so hot on the dock. 

His hands remain either on my face or my neck and as we lay back, he swiftly moves on top of me. His elbows support his weight, but I feel every inch of him against my skin. I am now completely pinned under him and I'm surprised he's let it go this far. 

I want this. I want her. I wonder if he can feel my pounding heart against him as I listen to his lustful thoughts. His hand moves from my neck slowly down my torso. The room is spinning and while a part of me is exhilarated, another part of me is terrified. My arms are wrapped behind him and his thumb slowly makes its way under my top. I now know exactly what it is he wants and I have to stop him before he thinks I'll give it to him. Today is not the day for that.

"No Derek, don't do that," I whisper but his hand fully slides under my top and I'm completely uncomfortable. I shift my weight and arch my back but a moan escapes me when I feel my sunburn scrape against the bedding. He mistakes the moan for pleasure. Oh, she likes that. I try and grab his hand to push it away from my chest, but I'm not strong enough to move it. Stop fighting me.

"Derek, stop!" I gasp and he stops kissing me. He snatches his hand away and it comes out from under my top. "I'm not ready, I'm sorry Derek but don't push this," I beg and he nods but he doesn't allow me to sit up. His eyes are glossed over while his eyelids drupe and his face is completely flushed. He's drunk and clearly not thinking with the right head. I am able to roll onto my shoulder but his arm is keeping me pinned under him. I nuzzle my nose against his chest hoping it will relax him enough to get him off of me. He leans back in for a kiss but now I'm over it. The part of me that was terrified takes over and I am completely aware that I am not ready for this.

"Come on, kiss me, Ellie! We can do other stuff," he demands as he grabs the side of my face again. I feel forced to make out with him and now I'm getting pissed. I wasn't trying to start anything but I am not going to be forced into anything either. His hand slides down my back and lingers on the spot where my top is tied. I just need to find the string. He yanks at my top and I feel it come free.

"Derek, what are you doing?" I panic while I feel his hands trying to move the top away and I frantically try to shove him away. 

"We've been together long enough, Ellie. It's not like I haven't grabbed your boob before," he mumbles, but I've never allowed an under-the-bra grope. It's always been a quick grab while making out. He's completely laying on top of me now and I can't bear his weight or the stinging on my skin. My attempts to push him off me continue, but he lays there with his hands moving down to my waist.

"Derek get off me! Please I can't handle your weight, you're crushing me."

We should have done this months ago. I suddenly slap his back hard and I can see his bewildered stare even in the dimly lit room.

"Why don't you want to Ellie? You've pushed this before. I'm ready now. You've wanted this. You've asked me to take things further." 

At one time, I did. I tried to seduce him after our Junior Prom and he flipped out on me. He thought we were too young and he wasn't ready and now I'm not ready.

"I don't want it now, not like this Derek. You're drunk. I'm still a bit buzzed, exhausted, and sunbeat, this isn't right." I take my hands and cover up my chest feeling embarrassed that he has seen me topless.

"That's the best part about it. I won't think too much. You want it this way, Ellie trust me," he says as he leans back down to kiss me. I now feel that he is ready for this and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. We have done other things in the back of his car in the dark, but our clothes have always stayed on. I move my head away so he can't find my lips, but with one hand he yanks it back.

"We are finally alone, in a bed. We should have done this months ago, I love you and you love me so it's fine now. Brandon even left some condoms in the bathroom," he kisses me so hard it hurts my teeth. I try to pull his face back but his hands are quickly sliding down to my waist, then I feel them starting to tug on the strings of my bottoms. I'm not strong enough to lift him off me sober, let alone when I've been drinking. I start kicking my legs and arching my chest. Stop fighting it! Why is she fighting me?

I don't want my first time to be like this and I no longer want my first time to be with him. My bottoms are almost off and he has no intention of stopping even though I am struggling against him. I push at his chest again as I snap, "Derek I swear! Stop! Stop it!" He finally pulls away from me but then shoves my shoulders hard against his bed.

"No, you stop Ellie! I'm tired of these mixed signals. You act like you want to do shit, but I'm like the only guy in school that doesn't get his head and I have a fucking girlfriend. And after months of being a tease, you're acting like you don't want to do this. This is the perfect time to just let loose, stop being such a tightass." He's slurring, and belligerent and I don't think I have ever seen him this drunk. 

I'm scared and on the verge of tears. I cover up my chest again feeling exposed and he's on his knees straddling me. The room is still spinning making me dizzy and flustered. My head is all over the place and he's making me feel small. I don't know what to say because I don't want to antagonize him when he's acting like this but I am certainly not sleeping with him either. 

"Let's just wait, Derek. You don't want our first time to be a drunken mess," I say gently, hoping to dissuade him without pissing him off. My heart is still slamming against my chest while I try and figure out the best way to handle this situation. He's quiet for a moment but then I watch as his eyes move from mine down to my chest, taking in my topless body for the first time. I then hear Everyone is gonna know that I finally fucked her. Liam really won't want her after he finds out she's used goods.

Any vulnerability I was feeling is immediately replaced with hatred. He only wants this now so he can have it before Liam does and so he can parade my stolen virginity around school like a trophy. He's taken my silence as permission, so I remove my hands from my chest and gingerly place them on my side to distract him with my exposed chest. I wiggle an inch forward to position my legs between his knees before taking my knee and shoving it hard so it slams into his crotch. He immediately yelps in shock and rolls off of me.

"Fuck you, Derek!" I snap while pushing away from him to get off the bed. I frantically try to find my top with my hands still covering my chest. I spot one of his shirts on the floor, so I tug it on while trying to keep my balance. Derek is still gasping for air on his bed and holding onto his crotch. He flips me off when our eyes meet and gasps out, "Virgin Bitch!" Enraged, I grab my purse and seeth, "You're lucky that's all I did to you. Stay away from me, fucker!" I flee upstairs and it takes everything in me not to cry as I fly out the garage door. Brandon is still unloading the boat but I run past him and yank open my car door. I fumble with my keys since my hands are shaking and manage to find the ignition. As soon as I am out of the driveway, I know I shouldn't be driving. I think of Brittany's accident and know I need to stop. I'm still shaking and the alcohol is messing with my vision. I swear I'm never drinking again. Only bad things happen when I overindulge.

I pull over at the end of the street and grab my cheer tennis shoes I have in my backseat. I shove my bare feet into them and start running down my street. I pray that no one will see Ellie Adler, crying and frantically running down the street in nothing but an oversized shirt and tennis shoes. I pick a direction, knowing I can't go home like this, and make my way to the place where I will feel the safest while I calm down.