Did I kill you?

*is worried*

SCREEEECH I KILLED YOU CRAP. *turns and points to Zach* YOU ARE FILLING OUT THE PAPERWORK THIS TIME. 

*he shrugs* I did it last time, though. 

SHUT UP. 

Zach: Should I get the blowtorch?

Me: NoT yEt. ShE mIgHt NoT bE dEaD.

Zach: Way to stay optimistic.

Me: SHUT UP, SOVIET RUSSIA.

Zach: MAKE ME, YA SOULLESS GINGER.

*snarling at each other*

Both of us: TO THE AIR-FORCE!!*Gets, like, hundreds of paper airplanes each and start hurling them at each other* 

Me: HAHAH! YOU CANNOT BEAT THE HELLBIRD, CONNWAER, AND VALKYRIE FLEETS!!!

Zach: WATCH ME, YOU TH*T.

*intense battle noises*

Both of us: DIE!!!!!!!!!

When they FINALLY respond:

Imma cry and rethink my existence

I followed you on Wattpad

Even though I already regret it

Still tryng to gt her attention. *clears throat* Example A:

How you be? SCREEEE 

Are you dead?

Yes?

No?

Maybe so?

ZACH, GET THE BLOW-TORCH.

Zach: I'll blow her torch.

Me: WTF, child?

Zach: *shrugs* I'm a boss, you th*t.

Me: Says Soviet Russia.

Zach: Says the soulless ginger.

* coughing* Example B:

Her: WHAT THE HELLD DOES I'LL BLOW HER TORCH MEAN

Me: I DON'T KNOW.

WEIRDO

NO, REALLY.

FIGHT ME

Zach: I will fight her.

Wow your fake Zach is a lot more confident than actual Zach

* hacking* Example C:

Are yo dead?

I will get the paperwork, Zack, but you're filling it out.

Zach: Hell naw, you B*TCH.

Me: Thank you, but I prefer badass.

Zach: Like Hell you do.

Me: Jack off.

Zach: I don't want to.

Me: Too flipping bad.

Me: Zach?

Zach: Yes?

Me: *sigh* Get the blowtorch.

Zach: YES, SIR!*Zach runs off to get blowtorch in that weird-ass run he does and comes back carrying above his head with a creepy-ass smile* I GOT IT.

Me: *takes it out of his hands and wields it lIKE A BOSS* Let's burn this sh*t. *pulls down protective steam-punk-looking goggles* 

Zach: *cackles insanely while I burn the body* BURN, BITCH, BURNNNNNN!!!!!

*nearly dying* Example D:

Her: Wtf And Wtf I'm going to sleep screw this

I swear, I'm getting crazier by the second, y'all.

Zach: Mmmhmmm. 

Me: Shut it.

Make me.

*intense glaring*

Me: *sighs* What am I doing with my life?

Everyone I know: What life?

. . .